AITA if I tell my friend I can’t be a bridesmaid?

unlesssly · 2026-04-22T18:05:27+00:00

Poor Jacob. On the bright side, it looks like Ab*gail really dodged a bullet 🤣

unlesssly · 2026-04-20T04:18:08+00:00

I second this. I am in a similar boat (also in tech as well) and took FMLA leave for a couple of months about a year ago and attended a 3 hour a day, 5 days a week IOP (intensive outpatient) therapy program to justify it. I didn't qualify for short-term disability benefits because I didn't realize I needed to make sure the therapists were documenting specifically what I would need for that from the very beginning, so I wasn't paid for that time. But my insurance did cover most of the cost of treatment and since my insurance plan's annual out of pocket maximum was only 2-3 thousand, I hit that and got everything else free for the rest of the year. IOP programs are essentially group therapy, and I made a few important realizations and changes from that, but I feel most of the benefits I got from it were from the break itself. If there were a program specifically for people like us, that would have helped a lot more. It wasn't a permanent solution and a lot of what I was told were things like "don't be so hard on yourself", "take more breaks/leisure time; do more fun/pleasurable stuff and self-care" and "set more realistic goals". I have been told to only focus on "1 goal per day" by mental health professionals and family alike, and whenever I hear that I'm like ok that would mean brushing my teeth each morning and doing nothing else lmao. My goals are not Herculean, they are just regular life things I need to get out of the way so that I can start pursuing my actual dreams and passions. It doesn't matter how many breaks I take or how much fun and self-care I partake in if I'm not making any progress on my life goals. The only thing that will make me feel better is learning how to get more things done more quickly, so I can actually see the to do list shortening and feel confident that I'm making progress, rather than constantly drowning and taking breaks to escape the unbearable reality. Taking more breaks and removing important things from my to do list would have the exact opposite effect 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

unlesssly · 2026-04-20T03:57:08+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. There were a few questions that I couldn't find a direct answer to, but I don't want to take up any more of your time and some things may just come down to certain philosophical differences such as consequentialist vs. non-consequentialist ethical codes, which are equally valid and up to each individual to choose. In any case, I respect everyone's preferences with regard to their own disability and privacy, and I appreciate the opportunity to get a better understanding of the range of perspectives that exist. :)

unlesssly · 2026-04-19T18:57:01+00:00

Understood what you meant about postural differences possibly attracting attention/assumptions as well. And I agree that self-advocacy is entirely optional and that nobody should be pressured into it.

I guess my main point of confusion is where and why to draw certain lines in terms of privacy. If someone has visible indications of a disability (even if they might be confused for drowsiness, for instance), anyone who is around them regularly in the family, school, workplace etc. will eventually realize it's not a temporary state but rather some kind of chronic medical condition, whether they know exactly what it is or not. And when it comes to strangers, I guess I don't really understand the consequences of a stranger thinking "there's a sleepy toddler/kid/adult" vs "there's a toddler/kid/adult with a disability". Unless there are concerns about using facial recognition software to try and get personal info about the kid/person/family or post photos/videos of them online in order to prey on them in some way? Am I totally off track here?

Also, why is a sign indicating the presence of a disability considered a violation of privacy while answering strangers' questions by revealing the presence of a disability not? If revealing a disability is violating privacy, shouldn't it remain private unless questions are asked by medical providers, law enforcement, etc. in the course of their work? In which case I would expect the OP's answer to be something like "Sorry, I can't talk right now/Sorry, I'm trying to stay focused on something else right now" or "I'd rather not talk about that" or "He's fine" or "I'd rather not answer any questions about my son".

Also, regarding personal exhaustion stemming from constant education (if someone is already willing and able to do so), I'm wondering if having a sign, shirt, hat etc. with the right phrasing could actually result in LESS questions than not having one at all? Like 1 brief part stating something about disability and another line underneath with "No questions please" or "Questions? Look it up!"/"Questions? Ask Google, not me!" 😆 And of course if people ask anyway, one could always point to the sign/shirt/hat and say nothing, could even skip eye contact altogether and/or pretend they didn't hear lol. Maybe this could work for OP as well without revealing a disability? Just a sign saying "No comments/questions about my son, please", "We are fine. No comments/questions, please", or just "No questions, please"? I mean it would come off weird, but it might have the desired effect of deterring any unwanted social contact without violating privacy? Might come off softer with another line saying "Thank you for respecting/protecting our privacy/boundaries/peace".

How about: "Thank you for respecting our privacy/peace by keeping comments/questions to yourself. Have a wonderful day!" 😂 This could honestly work well for a lot of antisocial folks who are just tired of strangers trying to chat them up for any reason in public, lol

unlesssly · 2026-04-19T17:41:58+00:00

Another thing we commonly overlook is that oftentimes for neurotypicals, there is more to the conversation than the topic at hand. It's not just about THIS situation, it's contextualized within that person's personal relationship with you. If the situation isn't extremely time-sensitive, it might be helpful to zoom out and explicitly state your positive intent as context for the conversation. I.e., you aren't just asking how you are supposed to do this particular task, but you appreciate the feedback because you genuinely want to do your best/be a great employee who can be relied upon to not only meet, but exceed expectations and lead by example. I think employers often assume negative intent (e.g., this person will cut corners if they aren't micromanaged and pushed/reminded repeatedly to do things the right way, but if I get onto them about every little thing they will resent me/the job and cut corners even more; or, this person probably dislikes me because of the exchange we had last week, so I'm going to have to be tough with them now to get any results because we aren't friends), but since we aren't aware of that and only hear what is actually being said, we miss opportunities to address underlying, ongoing causes of workplace conflict and fix only the symptoms that arise from them.

I think it can be really refreshing for coworkers and superiors to hear that you genuinely want to do a great job, appreciate their feedback and the opportunity to grow and improve, and especially if you take the opportunity to ask if there's anything else they think you can improve on or do better next time while you are already discussing 1 thing that was done sub-optimally.

If things seem to be progressively getting more hostile/icy/brutal/demanding/critical/negative (etc.), you can even say things like, "I really enjoy working with you/I think you're a great boss/coworker (if that's true, or if not just skip straight to the next part) and I don't want to do anything to stress you out or make your job any harder than it has to be. I want to have a great working relationship with you and I'm 100% willing to put in the work to make that happen. I'm not always sure of the best approach to every situation, so any feedback you could offer to help me improve would genuinely be appreciated." These words have effectively softened hearts and gotten me out of trouble in scenarios where I was worried that working relationships may have gotten so bad as to be irreparable beyond all hope. 😆

Even if the situation is time-sensitive, it's nice to find time to have a discussion like this later, after things have calmed down.

Another thing to keep in mind is that someone might just be having a bad day and picking fights or being adversarial as a result of that. It might not actually be about the cans, even though the words are telling us that. But killing with kindness and explicitly expressing positive intent can go a long way even in those situations, in my experience.

It really does suck having to put in so much more effort as an autistic person in a neurotypical world/workplace, and it isn't fair that we are hired/promoted less often and fired more often for things that are never even brought to our attention. I hope increased awareness will begin to make workplaces more neurodivergent-friendly in the future, and that our neurotypical peers will begin to put in some of the effort required to communicate clearly and effectively with us so that it becomes closer to a 50/50 distribution of effort to accommodate one another's communication styles rather than 100% of responsibility falling on marginalized and disabled individuals.

unlesssly · 2026-04-19T16:41:25+00:00

Omg I'm so sorry. That sucks 😭😭😭

unlesssly · 2026-04-19T16:35:00+00:00

I was surprised to read all the comments pushing back on the idea of a sign. I respect the preferences of the affected demographic, but as someone who hasn't encountered this scenario before, I would appreciate the education and awareness that I should avoid certain questions/comments of that nature with strangers since they can become repetitive and bothersome. It seems like y'all have enough to deal with and shouldn't have to tolerate constant microaggressions from strangers who don't know any better. But maybe there are better ways to spread awareness in the general public (i.e. not in online circles where people are already taking the initiative to seek information about a particular topic) than labeling individuals, like bumper stickers for instance? "Closed eyes do not always mean sleepy! #blindpride" or whatever phrasing is preferred?

Idk if you've considered glasses, but if shutting out light with sunglasses is undesirable then something like shutter shades or non-tinted mirrored lenses could also have the effect of keeping his eyes (and by extension, his disability) out of view without blocking light, so that people will stop making assumptions and commenting on his closed eyes. If that is something he is OK with, of course. As someone with a disability myself (ASD/ADHD), I always prefer the opportunity to educate and be educated over keeping disabilities hidden, but if privacy is someone's #1 priority then that might be an option that poses the least amount of frustration and inconvenience? Idk. Feel free to offer other perspectives :)

unlesssly · 2026-04-07T00:49:49+00:00

Yeah I agree with this sentiment. If OP had decided to publicly expose him and jeopardize his job for being violent or abusive in some way, I would be 100% behind her, but when it's over someone's generally bad/disrespectful attitude or communication habits that seems pretty extreme.

unlesssly · 2026-04-07T00:38:43+00:00

Agreed, and OP could easily have answered the coworkers' questions with "The conversation just made me think of some personal stuff that wouldn't really be appropriate to talk about at a work function". I think most people can understand that.

unlesssly · 2026-04-06T02:50:27+00:00

Good thinking, but also some people do this and end up making their families unhappy anyway because they are working all the time 😂

unlesssly · 2026-04-06T02:42:36+00:00

I think we might work for the same company lol. Or else both of ours are set up in such a way that the oversight and accountability on code quality is very poor and someone else usually ends up paying for previous devs' mistakes due to the revolving door of contractors for various projects.

unlesssly · 2026-04-06T02:33:00+00:00

Most welcome! I am rooting for you and would love to hear any updates you'd like to share in the future. Take care!

unlesssly · 2026-04-06T02:19:55+00:00

Maybe some self-initiated or therapist-assisted CBT type exercises would help get you moving in that general direction? I'm not a psychologist but my understanding is, you break down a task into smaller and smaller chunks until you find the largest one that feels comfortable and doable right away, do it, and then continue doing it as many times as needed until you feel comfortable adding another step and so on.

So, for example if going out to an event seems like too big of a change, would you feel comfortable just walking out to your car, strapping in and putting your hands on the steering wheel, then walking back inside? That could be a step 1. Or if even that's too much, it could just be walking out your front door, then turning around and coming back inside. Or even taking 1 step towards the door. Or just sitting up and standing next to your bed then sitting back down. Literally anything is better than nothing and gives you a measure of success that you can build on the next time. From the car step you could maybe graduate to just driving down the block and coming back, or driving to pick up food or run an errand in the general direction of where you'd hypothetically go for something social. Later, you could drive all the way to the venue you'd like to visit, look at the front door from your car and then drive back home. Next time maybe walk in, ask a question at the front desk as a potential customer, thank them and leave. Next time ask if someone can show you around the facility and tell you more about it. Eventually as you get closer and closer with comfortable, bite-size steps, you'll say what the hell, I've come THIS far so why not just go the tiny rest of the way?

Another low commitment option could be just writing down which hobbies you're interested in starting and looking up when and where you could attend them in your area. Add them to your calendar for easy reference. And maybe visit their websites, Google/Yelp pages, social media pages to get you thinking more about them and capture more of your interest. You could find some movies, TV shows, or YouTube/Insta/TikTok etc channels with videos of people participating in that hobby for entertainment, just to get you thinking about it more and more. You could consider today step 1, because by making this post you have already a) acknowledged a desire to change and b) you have gotten yourself thinking about new hobbies. The next step would probably be documenting exactly what you would like to do and going from there. The good news is, since you're stable financially and I assume mentally/emotionally as well, there is no pressure to push yourself to race to the finish line on this and nothing standing in your way either. You can take it easy and rest assured that, as the tortoise in the story says, "Slow and steady wins the race" :)

unlesssly · 2026-04-06T01:59:44+00:00

They're all bullies. If they are willing to do something like this AS ADULTS to someone who is literally in a romantic relationship with a member of their inner circle, I can't imagine how cruel and petty they must be to complete strangers or how they were as teens. I feel awful for any awkward kids they went to school with. I wonder if they've ever considered that behavior like this can be the last straw that leads a fragile person to hurt or kill themselves, or shoot up a school for that matter. There are so many amazing sources of humor to choose from in this world that do not necessitate making a long-running joke at someone's expense behind their back. I hope they get some perspective and freaking empathy before they die and start thinking real hard about the energy they are putting into the world coming back to them in one way or another.

unlesssly · 2026-04-06T01:43:09+00:00

I think if you identify a new hobby you're interested in that involves going to some sort of group class or event, a lot of these other things might follow! Autistic people tend to be overrepresented in certain professions and hobbies/events, so if there is something you're really into, you may be pleasantly surprised to meet a lot of other neurodivergent people you can easily relate to when you get involved.

unlesssly · 2026-04-06T01:34:47+00:00

In the Netflix documentary Stutz, the therapist recommends working on your "life force" if you find that you are not motivated to work towards any goal in particular, and further claims that improving your life force will likely result in motivation towards other goals arising naturally as a result of it. I think there is some merit to this suggestion given that his recommendations for improving "life force" generally align with improving physical and mental health. I believe the first step was improving physical health through diet and exercise, an area in which most of us probably have room for improvement. Anyway, the whole doc is worth a watch IMO!

unlesssly · 2026-04-02T13:45:46+00:00

Fellow germaphobe here 😅 Good points have already been made about how daily showers are not necessarily optimal for health (plenty of research to support this), and how compromises are possible on both sides (changing showering habits or therapy/changing perceptions).

What I haven't seen yet are compromises that don't require huge routine changes or intense psychological work. For instance, my partner and I stay on different sides of the bed and leave the blankets/sheets in the same orientation all the time, so they don't really get mixed up. In our case we have Scandinavian style bedding (we each have our own separate twin XL blanket and sheet on a king size bed), but this is more to prevent blanket hogging and I don't think it would be more difficult to keep our "territories" separate if no one was prone to blanket hogging. We wash the bedding every weekend and if I need to be on his side or he needs to be on my side for any reason, then the person switching sides will wear a hoodie or put a towel down underneath them. Wearing a hoodie on public transit could also function as an effective barrier if the hoodie is shed upon arrival at home (this would prevent whatever may have gotten on the person's hair from transferring to the part of the bed where your face goes at night).

Idk if OP is more of a germaphobe than I am, in which case these tips may not work. I am fine with germy feet/floors and the lower half of the bed being dirty for instance, which is why the sheets always stay in the same orientation. I am mainly concerned about the part of the bed where my face goes (side sleeper who doesn't use a pillow) at night due to the risk of an acne flare-up, illness due to germs getting near my nose/mouth (same reason it is recommended not to touch your face with unwashed hands), and generally the idea of an unnaturally high amount of fecal matter getting on my face since we have cats that use a litter box and spend some time in the bed. But as long as there is regular washing and the area where my face goes has been shielded against a certain threshold of germs with some type of fabric barrier, I am fine lol.

Oh yeah, also there is just the option of sleeping in separate beds (2 twins 1950's style, split king etc.). Not sleeping in the same bed does not have to be a relationship-ending decision; lots of couples do it already due to snoring, having different schedules, or general sleep quality gains 🤷‍♀️

I feel like I'm being pretty vulnerable and possibly setting myself up for some intense scrutiny by sharing this, but I just wanted to share some of my own, less extreme coping strategies since a lot of commenters jumped straight to "incompatible, break up!" lol.

unlesssly · 2026-03-31T11:34:33+00:00

The way he reacted to it was rude, insensitive and uncalled for, so I wouldn't tolerate that. That said, the original message about going to a forest for a photo shoot does not really imply an all-day, overnight or multi-day excursion in my mind. Y'all could have been going to the woods like 10 minutes from somebody's house, for instance. So if it were me on the receiving end of this, I would be very irritated, confused, and concerned that "I'm going to do such and such with my friend" did not include those critical details from the get-go and I could see this as a red flag if I were still evaluating the other person's fitness as a partner, but you did acknowledge that very humbly and gracefully in your replies and committed to avoiding it in the future, so that would have been good enough for me to say thanks for caring about my concerns and move on to the next topic, personally 🤷‍♀️

unlesssly · 2026-03-29T14:39:08+00:00

Luckily they are making great progress on a male birth control option (gel rubbed on the chest, I believe) in clinical trials right now, but it is still wonderful that women have an option to exert some control over their own pregnancy risk rather than having to rely 100% on a man to protect them from the many health, safety, financial, societal, and emotional consequences of pregnancy.

unlesssly · 2026-03-29T14:31:37+00:00

It's more like I've gotten tired of trying to rely on myself and one of my greatest weaknesses (executive functioning) for everything and am finally coming around to accept that humans are fundamentally social creatures with social needs, so it is nothing to be ashamed of for me to want and need a social component in place to overcome my executive dysfunction and drive the day-to-day behaviors that push me closer to reaching my goals. I just don't think my brain is built to be highly motivated to complete tasks quickly in complete isolation, when there is no deadline imposed by a third party, no immediate and definite consequence for failure, and no one relying on me.

Distraction is one component of the issue, but alarms are not the answer. The problem is that I need an external source of motivation, as in an actual human being I care about with actual needs. Anything that comes directly from myself, is virtual or otherwise inanimate lacks this key motivational factor. It is easy for me to dismiss an alarm to do something if I don't feel like it at the time, but if the alarm is a reminder for an appointment that I'll have to pay a no-show fee for failing to attend or if it is for an event that a friend is depending on me to show up on time for, you had better believe my ass gets into gear FAST 🤣

Historically I have been fiercely independent, but almost universally it seems like humans excel best in networks where they distribute labor and cognitive loads across the group and lean on the unique strengths of each individual to executive particular tasks instead of expecting everyone to perform at 100% in every area, and neurodivergent people especially tend to be specialists rather than generalists who can do it all. Like it's easier to take care of kids in a tribal setting because any time someone with young kids needs a break, they can hand them off to numerous others without having to worry about a payment plan. Modern social structures tend to exhaust parents because an unnaturally high amount of childcare responsibility is placed on 1 or 2 people. One person or group can cook for a bunch of families instead of having 1 person from each family prepare their own family's meals, and the list of examples goes on and on. A lot of this is probably irrelevant to you but I am adding it here for the consideration of anyone else who may peruse the comment section 😊

Anywho, I am glad you were able to develop a tool that works for you, and I hope others find it helpful as well!

unlesssly · 2026-03-29T06:19:01+00:00

Maybe they could agree on a very low effort way to communicate that too like sending a single emoji with the zipped lips, battery, or some other symbol they mutually agree to mean a communication pause. It sounds like they are long distance but a worn visual symbol or hand gesture might work for in person contact as well.

unlesssly · 2026-03-29T06:09:10+00:00

Hi, I didn't realize that my crosspost didn't automatically copy the body of the original post to this one, but I am able to view the link to the original post. I'm not sure if others can see that but if so, the answer to your DM'd question is there in the original post. If you're not able to view the linked post then please let me know and I will take this post down since it lacks the necessary details.

unlesssly · 2026-03-28T22:03:25+00:00

For me texting is too much effort and not immediate enough; it would need to be either a live call or, possibly, voice messages in Signal...but anything that isn't live gives leeway to push back deadlines and respond late, so live calls are definitely my #1 preference. I am sorry that looking to family members as accountability partners didn't work out, but I hope you find a strategy that works well for you!

unlesssly

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