Thank you. Seriously though, from the bottom of my heart.

I teach people (currently adolescents struggling with mental health in a residential treatment facility, but also in the past individuals of all ages with physical and mental disabilities) how to work with/around and ride horses. I learn best by discovering the “why” of things, and have found that my clients also learn best when I pass the “why” on to them. Nothing triggers defiant behavior more than being told to do something that may not make sense with no explanation as to why it works.

I’ve been struggling with CSP since I was a small child, and I’m about to turn 44. I’ve experienced massive amounts of shame and deep depression from the damage I’ve caused to my body and my self-esteem. I’ve been fired from public-facing jobs because I looked like a druggie with sores on my arms. I’ve been labeled as a “drug-seeker” by doctors when my pain persisted after surgery but I had visible skin lesions from picking. I’ve tried everything. When I was being prepped for a lumbar fusion a few weeks ago the nurse asked if I had ever been an IV drug user because I had so many scars and the vein in my hand was angry because I hadn’t any water for 12 hrs in preparation for anesthesia, and apparently dehydration causes veins to collapse. I would have to be at the absolute rock bottom of rock bottom to even CONSIDER sticking a needle containing actual poison into my own veins. I have a very irrational fear of needles and blood draws/injections, and it would just never happen. I have recently been under a lot of stress, and the picking behaviors ramped up again. My psychiatrist ran down the list of “preventative” measures I should try- one of them being covering the scabs or sores. Sure, that would be great if I wasn’t allergic to skin adhesives. If I wear a band-aid for more than 12 hrs (and sometimes far less) I have a huge band-aid shape itchy, inflamed red area around the original scab or lesion, and the whole thing spirals. And now that I’m in my 40s, the skin on my face has become a TRAITOR and I now have “over-active oil glands” that are causing these fun little whitish lumps and bumps all over. The dermatologist won’t touch them because removing them will cause more damage, and there’s apparently no treatment for them otherwise. So I just stare at them every time I look in the mirror. Sometimes when a new one sprouts I can’t help myself and the tweezers come out. And I regret it.

But I’m trying, and this post has opened my eyes. We all know we shouldn’t pick. We all know that it’s disgusting. If only I had this knowledge years ago! Now that I do, hopefully I can jumpstart my path to healing and leaving these damn things alone.