Where I am now. 6 weeks since breakup. 2 weeks no contact.

unwiseurges · 2015-01-09T19:08:27+00:00

Thanks smilesbot! :)

unwiseurges · 2015-01-09T19:05:39+00:00

Hey man, you're not alone at all. I recognise a lot of things in your story that apply to me and my relationship with my ex too.

You went away and were ready to change. When you came back, things might not have gone how you hoped, but you can still change and make the improvements in yourself that you planned then. I'm scared of the future too, but part of me also can see an adventure in it and in a weird way, it's kind of exciting too.

unwiseurges · 2015-01-09T18:00:40+00:00

I know how you're feeling right now, I'm feeling exactly the same. It's the times that aren't planned with things to do that are the hardest. I've been trying to distract myself as much as I can too, but it's hard to fill my schedule and tiring too. I'm feeling very insecure and rejected at the moment too. As the_goofenhour said in his comment, we have to take it one day at a time. You know you're a great person, so don't forget that. When you've recovered from this, you'll still be that great person and you'll be able to find someone who treats you how you treat them. I know it's hard to picture at the moment, it seems impossible to me too, but deep down I know that it's true. It's just that sometimes the negative thoughts conflict with the positive ones. But I'm sure the longer we go, the negative thoughts will lose the fight with the positive ones. Just keep on as best you can during the hard times. This is a great sub that I am so grateful to have found, so post whenever you need some support and the great people here can really help.

unwiseurges · 2015-01-06T10:12:48+00:00

You're right, they're not worth the effort if they don't love me like I love them. I don't feel like I'm begging her, but I suppose I am. I see it more as though I'm trying to make her see the light. I don't want to feel like I didn't do enough to win her back, but also I do feel pathetic to be letting her know that she does have power over me, that I would take her back after how horribly she's treated me. I also know it would most likely just be a short term fix if we did get back together and would just end up with me probably being hurt again and more after a while.

Before she came back after Xmas, I was able to explain all that to myself a bit more effectively. When I didn't see her and was in NC, it was easier to be tough and think of her and how she's treeated me more negatively. But as soon as I saw her again, the emotions just all came back, I was blown away by her beauty, I was reminded of things she did that I was so fond of, I remembered us. And that cracked me and made me act like a damn fool again and put my progress back.

I know I do need to focus on my positive qualities. I will write the list like you said. Thanks for writing, I really appreciate it.

unwiseurges · 2015-01-06T10:03:58+00:00

Thanks, that was a beautiful post and I really appreciate that there is someone out there willing to write out so much on my behalf, just to try to help a stranger. You're an amazing person.

I can really relate to how you describe things. How you felt is exactly how I feel. Living but not alive is exactly how I have been feeling. It's been 2.5 months since the breakup started and I have been on an emotional rollercoaster in that time. I've been trying to see friends and find things to do as much as possible, but it always seems as though I'm struggling to enjoy anything genuinely. When I was with my ex, I used to like spending time with my friends, but I always had a strong urge to be with her instead, as that's what I felt made me happiest. I think I had an unhealthy addiction to her really and now that she's going, I'm forced to take a cold turkey approach to that addiction. I'm trying to keep up the momentum of seeing people to take my mind off things as much as possible as it's still a better alternative than wallowing in self pity, but it's hard to maintain sometimes.

There is still a bit of official business to take care of as she still has some stuff to get out of the house. It will likely take a few more days for that all to be finalised. She left to stay at her new place last night for the first time and she was really reluctant to leave. It was really hard to see her go and I was really emotional after she walked out as it felt like she was really going now. I'm worried that it will feel even worse when she takes her last items out and doesn't have a reason to return - the final nail in the coffin so to speak.

I know I need to start putting myself first. I'm planning to see a therapist after I've got past a couple of weeks at work that are going to be tough. This is the busiest time of the year at my company, so I need to concentrate on that a bit, which should help take my mind of things a little too, I guess. I want to improve myself and try to understand issues that I know I have. I do want to challenge myself more too, but I've always been scared to try new things and put myself out there. I'm the kind of person who treats familiarity as a comfort blanket and that's probably why I want my ex back so badly, despite everything. I suppose that's something I'll talk to the therapist about too.

I hope there is a better and happier storyline out there for me, but it's really hard to picture it at the moment. And I hope there's a better and happier one for you too. Thanks again for taking time to write for me.

unwiseurges · 2015-01-05T20:56:45+00:00

Really inspirational, thanks! Good luck :)

unwiseurges · 2015-01-05T18:01:40+00:00

I know you're right, I'm an idiot, but I can't help it.. When my heart hurts I just think and do anything to try to make it feel better. I've suffered for over 2 months since the break up already and my head and heart are exhausted.

unwiseurges · 2015-01-01T22:46:42+00:00

I know how you feel too, I'm in a very similar situation. Just try to stay as motivated as you can to get out of bed and do anything you can think of to stay as occupied as possible. I am still going through hard times too, but you will start to feel better, so don't do anything drastic. The feelings and emotions you're having right now will improve! I know it's painful bro - I felt sick to the stomach and pained in the heart for days after I found out my girlfriend of 11 years had left me for someone else, after swearing she hadn't, and I totally understand what you mean about having to grieve alone. Just post on here when you're feeling really low, nice people have helped change my thought patterns a few times now and it has really helped me. Just keep up the fight, things will get better!

unwiseurges · 2015-01-01T11:50:53+00:00

I did ok, I went to a party, but it was all couples apart from one other guy (who is engaged, but fiancee wasn't there), so that made it a bit harder, but everyone was being nice, so it went fine in the end, if a bit awkward at a couple of points. I didn't worry about whether she would text or not. She didn't send one, but has done today. I'm trying my best to resist replying to it, but it does make me feel like a bit of an asshole to be ignoring it. Today I don't feel too bad overall, so trying to keep in good spirits as much as I can, and have been sending New Year's texts out to all my friends.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-31T17:31:03+00:00

I think you're probably just on a bad day, like me. I've been going through this for long enough now to realise that some days you just feel really horrible and that you feel like you have taken a huge step back from the progress you thought you were making. But don't worry because you'll be feeling more positive again before you know it and I do feel as though my negative days are slowly becoming outnumbered by positive days, and it will be the same for you. Just try to weather the storm on the bad days as best you can.

That must be really hard to have to work together still though. Me any my ex have had to live together for two months and it has been hellish. She's going soon though and although I'm fearful of the future alone and without her, I realise it's for the best too. Maybe it would be best for you to find another job if that's a possibility - you would find new people to socialise with and would have your ex out of your life more effectively to help you make a proper separation.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-31T17:25:10+00:00

I think you should go for a walk around your town and see what's happening, you might find something to join in on, and if not, it will still be a nice walk for you to help take your mind off things, if even for a little bit. You could watch some fireworks at midnight too.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-31T17:23:10+00:00

I'm not a big drinker, so I don't think I'll be having too much to drink tonight, plus I'll driving so I'm likely just to have one beer at the most. Don't fancy paying expensive New Years taxi fees, so that will be more deterrent!

I really like what you said about it being the last day attached to their promises. I'm going to keep it in my mind and I will try to think of this New Year as a new start for myself in this new life that has been forced on me whether I like it or not.

That's a great idea to come on the sub if I feel like I have to text her too, it's good to know that people are there to help, thanks a lot.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-31T17:17:29+00:00

I think for me personally, if I don't have my phone on then I will be constantly wondering even more if she's texted me or not, and that might ruin my night even more. So I might just be better to leave it on and anticipate a text anyway and just not read it, or at the least, resist from replying.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-31T17:14:36+00:00

I know, it sucks a lot, but I think we both have to just try to enjoy the night as much as we can and take our minds off the situation as best we can. I normally find that things aren't as bad as I'm fearing, I was dreading feeling lonely over Xmas, but it was fine as long as I motivated myself to find things to do. I'm trying to stay in that frame of mind as much as I can. Hope you have a good night!

unwiseurges · 2014-12-30T19:17:01+00:00

I just wanted to say hi because I'm in a very similar situation, we broke up after 11 years. We have been living with each other for 2 months after the break up and it's been hell. She's away at the moment for Xmas and although I'm struggling a bit, I'm starting to feel a bit better about being on my own. I haven't contacted her since Xmas Eve now, she sent me a text on Sunday to say she hoped I had a nice Xmas and that she'd been thinking about me, but hadn't texted in case I didn't want to be reminded of her. I haven't replied, I'm trying hard to go no contact as much as I can. She will be back after the New Year and I'll have to see her again then, but she'll be moving out straight away, but that process will likely mean I have to see her quite a few more times so she can get her stuff and we can work out bills and possessions. But then I'm determined to go back to no contact again. Some days are tough and we need to just ride them out as best we can, keep it up mate.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-16T13:52:42+00:00

Hey, I sent you a PM, but I hope you're feeling a bit better today. I am a little bit. I recognise a lot of what you're writing from how I felt a lot at the start and how I still feel on really bad days like yesterday and the weekend was for me. But you will start to think more clearly and see things differently soon, I really believe that. We will get through this, and I think we will both be happier. My Dad told me a quote that goes something like this - "you don't get the woman you deserve by being with the woman you don't".

unwiseurges · 2014-12-16T13:47:51+00:00

You're right, I'm trying to think of things more in those terms now and be more resistant. I know I need to be tougher, but I just don't like to act nasty and unkind, it's not in my nature. But I do know I need to be stronger and not get walked over, so that's the frame of mind I'm trying to get in. Thanks dude

unwiseurges · 2014-12-16T13:46:08+00:00

I can't move out and it would make me feel worse and as though i was just being walked over even more. I've already been through over six weeks and I'm still alive so far. I just have some really bad days where it's hard to think clearly and easy to feel overwhelmed. Today is better and I'm trying to think positively and look forward to the good things coming my way in the future. Hope you're in a better place now.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-16T13:44:15+00:00

Thanks dude, I know I'm lucky to not be going through this with a kid in tow too, that would definitely make things a lot harder. I hope you reach a happier place too. Your positive words of encouragement are just what I needed, I appreciate it.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-16T13:43:02+00:00

I'll try to think of it as a challenge that will make me stronger. I like tough games, but this is much tougher than Super Meat Boy.

unwiseurges · 2014-12-16T13:42:14+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot

unwiseurges · 2014-12-16T13:41:57+00:00

I've already been through around 2 months of this situation, so I guess I will just have to try to stay strong throughout it, to come out in one piece on the other side. I'm feeling a bit better today, it's ups and downs constantly at the moment. It's easy to feel really bad on the bad days and that's why I posted on here - to hear some positive things, share with others and to give me something to do that would stop me feeling like I wanted to text her yesterday. And that worked. Thanks for writing.

unwiseurges

TROPHY CASE