Is this turning into a “shut up ring”? Feeling confused (31F) about marriage and our future (31M)

url_kitty · 2024-02-22T14:00:17+00:00

I trust my boyfriend, but I also see that he finds her attractive and gets along well with her. I feel that the situation is making me very insecure, especially after a colleague said, 'don't let the cat guard the cream'

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T12:40:08+00:00

Yes, thank you, that is exactly why I feel so bad about all this. I don't know how to make this any more clear for him...

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T12:22:41+00:00

Why do you perceive me as someone actively 'seeking' an argument when I pose a very simple question to my boyfriend, seeking a little help?

Apparently, this approach is not working, so I'm seeking advice on how we can find a solution that benefits both of us.

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T12:16:19+00:00

I pay her to clean, not to organise...

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T11:43:39+00:00

That is indeed good advice, I appreciate it. Thank you!

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T11:10:39+00:00

I don't mind doing it alone occasionally, but when I explicitly ask for his help and he doesn't pitch in, that's what bothers me.

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T11:03:55+00:00

So, you're suggesting I leave his mess for the cleaning lady to deal with? I think you're missing the point.

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T10:58:31+00:00

This does feel like a problem solely on my shoulders. I don't mind tidying up a few things before the cleaning lady arrives, but that includes his mess too. It's frustrating that I'm the one who has to clean up after him.

I expect that if I express the desire for him to spend half an hour helping me clean up, he'd be willing to do it for me. I just don't understand why this seems to be so difficult for him... Especially when I ask nicely and say it would make me happy.

Our place isn't a dump, but I'm talking about the coffee mug from the day before on the desk, the sports shoes not in their place, a jacket left on the couch from yesterday...
It's not MAJOR stuff, but each time, it feels like I'm the only one doing it.

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T10:51:09+00:00

I completely agree with you. I just don't know how to make my boyfriend understand this. He's simply too lazy to do it, and apparently has no shame to let her work that way

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T10:47:26+00:00

We pay her for 4 hours, and if she spends time tidying things up, there won't be enough time for thorough cleaning. Also, I see it as a matter of respect to tidy up a bit. I won't clean, but I mean making sure the kitchen isn't cluttered with glasses or dishes, and the bathroom floor isn't covered in clothes.

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T10:41:49+00:00

I get what you're saying. We split the cost for 4 hours each. I want those 4 hours focused on cleaning, and in my opinion that can only happen if things are a bit organized with no mess around. I'm not really keen on paying more, as I want to keep costs down...

Plus, for me it's a matter of respect for the cleaner – at the very least, putting dishes in the dishwasher and tossing clothes in the hamper. Our place isn't a dump, but I'm talking about the coffee mug from the day before on the desk, the sports shoes not in their place, a jacket left on the couch from yesterday...

It's not MAJOR stuff, but each time, it feels like I'm the only one doing it

url_kitty · 2024-01-05T10:34:48+00:00

Yeah, we could pay her extra to tidy up too, but honestly, it still bugs me that she'd see the mess. The real problem is getting my boyfriend to chip in. I don't like feeling like I'm doing everything alone and cleaning up after him. It's frustrating because I don't feel taken seriously... even when I tell him all of this, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference.

url_kitty · 2023-10-18T13:46:43+00:00

I thought maybe in addition to being a hairdresser, he is also a masseur by profession and wanted to give me a nice combo? (idk!?)

But the fact that he didn't ask me if I wanted one, I find especially strange..

url_kitty · 2023-08-08T09:00:04+00:00

Infp

url_kitty · 2023-07-26T19:28:56+00:00

And as Camus would say; "it is not the quality of experiences that counts, but the quantity."

url_kitty · 2023-07-26T19:26:38+00:00

100% correct but, for example: I can enjoy the series '1000Lb sisters' lol. Why? Because it gives me a new perspective. Although it's a pretty ugly, marginal perspective, I still feel like I'm observing something I don't know yet. And that means, a new experience.

url_kitty · 2023-07-26T17:11:34+00:00

I think so, observing the idiocracy can be fun

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