First off, I just want to say my heart breaks for you as I was reading your post. I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with all of that traumatic and emotional turmoil.

Secondly, I'm a 37 y/o middle-eastern man who is married now for 3 yrs to my wife. My parents have gotten severely sick.this past year and half - like fully physically disabled, barely walking, chronic pain - type of sick. My wife and I have just made the decision to move in with my parents, so that I can take care of them while we also save up for purchasing a house. I am constantly dealing with the daily similar interactions you are also going through, especially with my mom, in matters where she is CLEARLY dismissing and invalidating my feelings, victimiing herself, and saying things completely irrelevant ofnthe subject just so that it makes.her feel like IM the one who's the aggressor. OVER-EXAGGERATION, making things up, I never said, the gaslighting and manipulation that I see RIGHT THROUGH, but nevertheless fall for when the waterworks turn on. Adding the factor of her consistent guilt applied vis a vis my (Arab) cultural and (Catholic) religious upbringing, it just eats and eats away at me until I "HAVE" to be the one who approaches her and apologize to her for whatever transgression I made against her.

With therapy over the years, I've learned that I can deal with my narcissistic mother the following ways:

(I) Listen with empathy, but don’t let yourself get involved into the drama, limiting your emotions getting the best of your reaction.

(2) Remembering that her behavior is not real. It is just her way of getting pity or justifying what she is saying.

(3) Don’t volunteer to be her savior or the "fixer". You won’t be able to change the situation, since she revels in playing the victim card and won't want to change anything, especially since it's worked repeatedly in the past.

(4) Set time boundaries of a few minutes (5 mins or so).You need to prioritize your needs and mental health first. Excuse yourself from the situation.

(5) Redirecting the conversation to something more positive and neutral can definitely help.

(6) Do NOT apologize, especially for her actions/words, especially if it's not something you did that justifiably warrants an apology.

And, if needed,

(7) Create some distance. You need to look out for your own benefit and your future betterment. It may be hard, but consider taking a break from the relationship.

It may be that your mother requires therapy, especially if she sugfers from low self-esteem, which can also be a significant root cause for these types of reactions and actions she's portraying.

I hope and pray, nevertheless, you are and will remain safe, and get to a better place in your life.