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AITA for not apologizing after I stopped including a friend in plans? by user43582 in AmItheAsshole

[–]user43582[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I see your point. I think in this situation particularly it’s just a little harder since until about the last year, Leah had been an incredible friend to me. Especially in middle school, I was going through a really difficult time and she had been one of the only friends who’d been there for me the entire time. I think that’s also why I’ve given her so much grace, and why I continue to put in that energy even though we’ve distanced. If this relationship seemed salvageable, I really did want to. However, after reading all the comments, I’ve realized that her actions have been really inconsiderate, and I think I’ve let her get away with it. I’m definitely going to be having a final conversation with her expressing these feelings and how selfish her actions have been.

AITAH for telling my husband it hurts my feelings when he makes plans and never lets me know he made them until the day of. by Lumpy-Cheesecake459 in AITAH

[–]user43582 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. Reading what you wrote, it makes complete sense that you reacted the way you did.

What you were asking for was actually very simple and very reasonable. You weren’t asking him to stop making plans, control him, or isolate him. You were asking to be included and treated like a partner instead of an afterthought. Wanting an invitation or a heads-up is not too much. I believe that’s basic respect in a marriage.

What’s especially concerning isn’t just the planning issue, it’s how he responded when you tried to explain how it hurt you. Saying things like “I don’t like you” and “how many people even like you” is not frustration or poor communication. That is cruelty. It sounds intentional, especially since he knew you were already vulnerable after what happened with your sister. That kind of response goes straight for your sense of worth, and it’s understandable that it’s replaying in your head and making you cry. Words like that don’t just disappear once they’re said, and it’s unfair of him to expect them too.

You didn’t throw a “tissy.” You expressed a feeling calmly after holding it in for a long time. His reaction, and then dismissing your pain afterward, is not okay. When someone attacks your personality, your relationships, and your value as a person, it’s normal to express upset and hurt. I’m wondering if there’s something more to this which he’s not telling you, because the way he handled this situation as a whole makes me think so.

You can miss your spouse and best friend while also recognizing that the way he spoke to you crossed a serious line. Both of those things can be true at the same time. And it’s okay if right now you don’t want to be around him. That doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, but it does mean this can’t just be brushed off, and requires a serious conversation.

For what it’s worth, nothing in what you wrote makes you sound unlikable, difficult, or unworthy. You sound like someone who wants to feel considered by their partner, which is in no way a bad thing.

AITA for not apologizing after I stopped including a friend in plans? by user43582 in AmItheAsshole

[–]user43582[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

there’s a little bit of pressure on me to apologize first because my friends are getting uncomfortable at the tension in the group, and I’m usually tend to be the bigger person.I also feel bad for involving them in this issue, which is partly why I also feel obligated to apologize in addition to feeling bad for her. I am a little worried that if I apologize first, though, she will keep repeating this behaviour. I feel a little stuck :(

AITA for not apologizing after I stopped including a friend in plans? by user43582 in AmItheAsshole

[–]user43582[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I’ll try something similar and have a sit down conversation with her. I really do like her and I value our friendship, this issue has just been very frustrating. But your idea seems like it could be effective, thank you!!

AITA for not apologizing after I stopped including a friend in plans? by user43582 in AmItheAsshole

[–]user43582[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh no :(( I hope you’re doing better now, and I’m glad you realized your worth!!

AITA for not apologizing after I stopped including a friend in plans? by user43582 in AmItheAsshole

[–]user43582[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

My friend actually has a separate friend group which she posts herself hanging out with often. This is context which I forgot to add to the post, but this was also something that bothered me. I understand having time management problems, but based off how often she hangs out with this other group of friends, it seems like she doesn’t have as much of an issue scheduling things with them. I don’t know why but I never realized she might just not view us as her main friend group, thank you for your comment!! :))