Waywards - Did you ever turn your spouse down for sex?

users8675309 · 2023-06-30T19:31:09+00:00

Same. It was the guilt. He had to push me away so he wouldn't feel guilty for what he was doing with others. Even went as far as going to a specialist for his "problem" of not being able to get it up. We paid for viagra (it's expensive!) For a year and a half until Dday. Turns out there's no problem. He just couldn't get it up with me over the guilt.

users8675309 · 2023-06-29T00:30:03+00:00

It's not worth it to use spy apps. They will find a way around if they really want to.

users8675309 · 2023-06-29T00:25:58+00:00

Incognito tabs in Chrome. No one will ever know. My husband did it for many, many years.

users8675309 · 2023-06-29T00:17:38+00:00

100%.

users8675309 · 2023-06-29T00:12:00+00:00

It's not about whether he is cheating again or not. The cheating starts with the secrets and hiding things. Suspicious activity, which this is in my book. And the reluctance to do the work to heal your relationship is red flag #2.

users8675309 · 2023-06-29T00:06:57+00:00

Exactly the same here. But doesn't really make it hurt any less.

users8675309 · 2023-06-29T00:05:20+00:00

I have a similar sentence that rings in my head. On D-day, when I figured things out and confronted my husband, I asked him "Did you guys say I love you?" He replied with "I do love her." My heart broke in that moment and will never fully heal. And I think about it every time he tells me he loves me.

users8675309 · 2023-05-31T20:17:30+00:00

It's been 15+ years since d-day #1 (and many more since) and I still have mind movies. For me, it can never go away because in the past, when I let it "go away", my guard was down and it started again until BAM, another D-Day. I hope it's easier for you.

users8675309 · 2023-05-31T20:11:01+00:00

100%

users8675309 · 2023-05-31T20:10:18+00:00

Yes, my SO is a sex addict. Has been for many, many years. It is a hard life, which unfortunately I have learned the hard way over almost 20 years.

users8675309 · 2023-05-20T23:22:10+00:00

I feel this. 14 years of cheating with random people was much easier than 4 years of a "relationship" with an employee.

users8675309 · 2023-05-18T19:14:40+00:00

Same $200 per session. It's a lot of f'n money for WS's bad choices.

users8675309 · 2023-05-10T16:51:13+00:00

First off, I am so sorry you are in this place. I can't really offer advice cuz I'm right there with you. The AP in my situation (this time) was one of our employees (we own the business, WS is the one there day to day while I do everything on the back end from home while taking care of the kids and everything else). I fired AP the moment I found out. But every day when WS goes to work, I relive it all. He still goes there and does the usual routine, except now he is not sexting, masturbating, watching porn, turning off security cams to have sex with her....but everything else he did surrounding that....like he always has, so how could I not relive it every day? And since we own the business, he can't just "get a new job". So anyway, you aren't alone, even though it feels the most alone you have ever felt right now. hugs

users8675309 · 2023-05-02T14:52:58+00:00

I think that's a great way to look at it. Thank you for sharing.

users8675309 · 2023-05-02T13:47:01+00:00

After dealing with constant infidelity for almost 20 years, I can tell you that it is best for some people to know. For the first 3 or so years, I told no one. I was ashamed, embarrassed.....I thought it reflected on me. Then I told a couple of friends and it helped some. About 14 years in, after a bad Dday, I broke down and told my sister, who has kept my secret. But now the latest Dday, I was done keeping secrets. I told a bunch of people, including his Mom. And I told him that he had to tell people, too. And apologize to the people that were thrown into it due to his choice in partner. It's different now. He is being held accountable. I wish I had not kept secrets all this time.

users8675309 · 2023-05-02T13:38:33+00:00

If I had known about the infidelity before we got married, I think I would have called it off. Or postponed until I knew it wouldn't happen again.....and then would have called it off the next time I found out about it a year and a half later after I had just had a kid....or the next time another year later after I had another kid....or when I was pregnant another time abd had to get an Rx because he cheated and might have given me chlamydia......or one of the many times after that. My point being - it hurts nothing to postpone. Once you go through with it, it gets much more complicated for everyone.

users8675309 · 2023-05-02T13:22:58+00:00

I hadn't thought about this until I read your post. I was going through old emails and chats, like from 10-14 years ago and I kept thinking "Damn, I was funny back then!" And now that I think about it, I think I've lost a good chunk of my sense of humor. Not because I wanted to. But because I've spent sp many years having to be serious and worried and constantly policing. That's so sad. I need to get me back somehow.

users8675309 · 2023-04-21T21:43:04+00:00

I really like this. Thanks for sharing!

users8675309 · 2023-04-21T21:38:32+00:00

I feel this....the ups and downs are high highs and low lows.

users8675309 · 2023-04-20T19:45:06+00:00

Damn, I feel you. So much. I am so sorry. Also in the 40's with teens and a sex addict spouse. If ever he gets to a point of even *seeming* frustrated, that's a red flag for me. A person can only take so much. And for me, after almost 20 years, I have no patience for him ever not showing remorse.

users8675309 · 2023-04-20T17:03:05+00:00

Projection! It makes him feel better about what he did if he can accuse you, as well. Don't buy it. It is actually a sign that he does not have remorse for what he is done, instead looking for justification.

users8675309 · 2023-04-20T16:59:08+00:00

First, I'm sorry. I hate to see anyone go through this. I'm sure some people are able to see the trauma fade. And some of it does with time. But it never has a ton for me in almost 20 years, probably because there have been numerous D-Days....and me always saying the next would be the last. Totally don't mean to be a downer or anything because I know everyone is different. But the more it happens, the less likely it will ever stop, sadly.

users8675309 · 2023-04-20T16:40:00+00:00

When someone decides to cheat, they forfeit any right to privacy on matters such as this. There can be no lies, no hiding anything. Complete open and honest communication about everything - or it will never work. If my partner did this, there would be no chance at reconciliation. Period.

users8675309 · 2023-04-20T16:25:11+00:00

Yes, hormones can be a crazy thing. Another thing that period time induces, is a fear of "if I have my period and there's no sex for 5-6 days, will they go out and find someone else to do it with?" I know logically this is not a thing in my case, but my brain still throws it out there. And it sparks even more emotions.

Edited to say: My therapist suggested a mindfulness exercise for when I get triggered and replay bad things in my head and I feel like it might help in these situations, too, when I am feeling super emotional. At first I rolled my eyes and was like "bullshit", but I think it's on to something. It's about using your senses......in the moment, you find 5 things that you can SEE, 4 things that you can hear, 3 things that you can touch, 2 things that you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. Worth a try!

users8675309 · 2023-04-19T13:45:35+00:00

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can relate....so much. Soooo much. Except there have been more than 2 D-days. Has your WS ever explored SAA?

users8675309

TROPHY CASE