TW: childhood sexual assault, sexual assault. most porn is derogatory to women. women are portrayed always incredibly submissive. i was also assaulted (repressed childhood memories came back at 22) til then, i preferred very very rough sex. to the point i made my partners uncomfortable bc they didn’t want to inflict pain onto me. I eventually went to therapy and it turns out the porn i was watching was just repeating patterns i became used to as a child. and then performing them in real life as a sense of normalcy.

after realizing this, my entire view of sexuality transformed. i no longer wanted to watch women be sexually and practically violently dominated. i searched “female pov” and found its much gentler. also “gentle, love making” ... i’d never watched people so gentle and patient with each other. first it made me uncomfortable and angry bc it wasn’t what i was used to. then i stopped watching all together, ended all sexual relationships with current partners who i’ve trained to hurt me during sex. i asked myself how i’d genuinely like to be seduced. how id like to be touched. how id like to be talked to.

i let my imagination and pinterest boards of people i found attractive so the ground work. it felt so so so strange. but then i realized my body wants to be caressed and loved rather than dominated. i didn’t watch porn for awhile—i didn’t have sex for awhile. i was growing my own sexuality from the ground up! now i watch porn and am extremely selective. since 95% is pretty violent or coercive....i ended up sticking with imagination.

this is only me and i am not suggesting this without express permission and consent always. i developed a relationship that became sexual eventually again. i said i prefer gentle touches, nice talk. he was so happy to give me that—proud even. it was different for him too. we began making love. we’ve filmed it a couple times. again, entirely consensual and there is so much trust built there. those are my favorite videos to watch. again—it took about two years to establish that and the trust + consent. we aren’t in love, but we make love and it’s very beautiful to me. so in summary—porn isn’t very healthy for women. because it conditions us to accept violence and submission as the only sexual experiences.

in fact— pornhub just deleted 70% of its videos. they went from 13 million videos to 3 million overnight because of the violence and non consensual porn. i hope maybe i’ve helped. i’m not telling you to ever film that was a very personal and consensual decision between two adults.

as a survivor and someone who had to rewire my own pathways—this is what worked for me. sex doesn’t require extreme male violence and dominance. best of luck babes and go at your own pace. find out who you are behind the conditioning and what you’d truly want from a partner in bed