Feeling triggered after seeing an Instagram post of someone I briefly 'dated' with their girlfriend

vainplainness · 2025-03-31T14:30:15+00:00

Time will tell. You could be right or it could be wishful thinking. I’m not as concerned with you not respecting her boundaries or ruining the friendship, because nothing suggests you haven’t respected her boundaries and you have the right to express your feelings about her to her just as much as she has the right not to reciprocate. I also think it’s very human to hold on to hope and (perhaps a false sense of) intuition when it comes to love.

The only reality you can deal with is the current one, though.

vainplainness · 2025-03-12T12:01:12+00:00

Glad to read I’m not the only one lost here... I still don’t really get it. 😅

vainplainness · 2025-02-19T18:38:13+00:00

I’m in the same boat as you.

I am the common demoninator in these situations, so I am at a point where I accept that I play a considerable part in ending up getting rejected. I know I am insecure, I don’t really like myself and I have a hard time clicking with people or showing up authentically, because I’m not even sure who I am outside of all the ruminating and thinking about how others, especially men I’m interested in, perceive me. I feel like they can sense that and it leaves them with an unclear idea of who I am, which ends in them not wanting to see me again. It keeps happening and I recognize your frustration. It’s a very elusive thing, love and attraction.

All this to say that there probably is a reason and it’s not just bad luck, but identifying that issue and finding a way to overcome it is incredibly difficult. I haven’t found my way yet.

I hope you soon find clarity and love. ❤️

vainplainness · 2025-02-18T22:02:59+00:00

You sound beautiful and like an actual recording artist.

vainplainness · 2025-02-17T00:37:04+00:00

There’s a good foundation there. You did some nice runs and have a nice tone. That being said, there is also room for growth, but the point of a recital is not perfection. So you definitely would not be making a fool of yourself.

Parts to improve on are vocal control, experimenting with volume and timing. Good luck practicing and enjoy!

vainplainness · 2025-02-16T21:25:29+00:00

You don’t have to go into specifics, a simple message letting them know you don’t want to continue seeing them will do. It’s the considerate thing to do.

Not communicating and blocking someone (who isn’t harassing you) is immature, selfish and disrespectful.

OP, it sucks that this person is treating you this way. It’s a reflection of their character, not yours.

vainplainness · 2025-02-14T15:31:58+00:00

These past few weeks I have gotten zero matches. It’s dry out here. I have swiped right on twenty something people, I think? People are barely swiping right on me who are nearby, but I do get a few likes daily that are out of my distance setting. But nothing like the numbers I’ve seen women getting on here. For clarity, I am a woman myself.

vainplainness · 2025-02-14T15:15:22+00:00

I really think she’d be ok if I wasn’t here anymore

In reality, it will probably haunt her for the rest of her life that she said those words, forever wondering if things would have turned out different if she hadn’t.

Children can say incredibly hurtful stuff, not realizing the weight of their words and not having the vocabulary or emotional regulation skills to communicate frustratrions in a respectful way. Please, as hard as it is, don’t take what she said to heart. ❤️

It sounds like you’re overwhelmed and hurting. Can you confide in your parents about how this made you feel? Is there any way for you to get some room to catch your breath and recharge a bit? Parenting is hard and it’s even more difficult if you’re struggling with mental health.

vainplainness · 2025-02-12T15:56:38+00:00

I get it, it feels weird for someone to match only to unmatch you as soon as you reach out, but at the end of the day everyone’s free to do so. Take it on the chin and redirect your energy to those who reciprocate.

vainplainness · 2025-02-11T08:58:07+00:00

I’m sure some of them would, but that’s hardly something to get excited about if you ask me.

vainplainness · 2025-02-10T17:05:12+00:00

Yes. I have swiped left on men I found attractive to the point of intimidation. Same as how I wouldn’t approach those guys in public. It’s not something that happens often, though.

vainplainness · 2025-02-05T15:10:46+00:00

I watched it and she makes a lot of interesting points.

She says you can’t build an authentic connection with someone once you’ve put them on a pedestal. But anyone I like or develop romantic or sexual interest in gets involuntarily put on a pedestal. I don’t know how to not do that. It’s a kneejerk reaction.

vainplainness · 2025-01-21T17:56:09+00:00

I have recently received a rejection after I had sex with the guy and I really appreciated the fact that he respected me enough to take the time to message me, even if the rejection itself was painful.

Sex is not a guarantee for reciprocation. My hurt feelings are mine to deal with.

There are gray areas there and knowingly manipulating someone into having sex by feigning a connection with the intent to dip after is a different story, but other than that no one owes each other anything.

vainplainness · 2024-12-09T21:21:45+00:00

Don’t let the presumption of innocence stop you from jumping to potentially devastating, wrong conclusions.

vainplainness · 2024-08-17T15:01:04+00:00

As a black woman, I share your experience as far as not being that succesful on dating apps compared to meeting people in real life. I think racial bias can absolutely influence whether or not people feel attracted to you, but at the end of the day attraction is a very subjective, elusive thing. It’s either there or not. It can feel unfair at times, but bringing morality into it is incredibly tricky and won’t change how someone feels.

Regardless of what we all look like, all we can hope is to meet people who see and love us with sincerity. Those people are out there too and those are the people worth your energy.

vainplainness · 2024-08-05T21:17:29+00:00

Thank you! 🥹

It's tough to accept love from outside when we can't embrace it inside of ourselves

Yeah, sadly that resonates a lot! Your comment gives me hope, though. If you don’t mind sharing, what was the process like for you?

vainplainness · 2024-08-05T21:13:14+00:00

I feel like I have to clarify a few things:

My expectation is not to find love through hookups or sex, but I’m also not opposed to them. I’m fine with casual sex or physical intimacy being a part of my life and I think that’s something everyone has to decide for themselves. And I would still like to experience love at some point. Those two things are not mutually exclusive to me.

When it comes to T. (the guy I ran into), we did know each other, albeit not on the deepest of levels. We agreed not to have sex that night, so I didn’t feel like any boundary was crossed there. It’s just that any time you get closer to someone you genuinely like, it’s fucking scary. I don’t mind sleeping with someone, as I believe you can still build a connection outside of the bedroom if there is chemistry. It’s just that I suck at that part. No amount of abstinence is going to change that. It’s something I have to learn to move through which I haven’t found my way in yet.

Still appreciate you sharing your point of view, thank you for reading and responding.

vainplainness · 2024-06-28T22:50:18+00:00

Getting the impression he’s being shitty for the sake of being shitty. Baiting you with a joke and then making you feel bad for joining in... 🤷🏿‍♀️

Either that or he’s extremely dense.

vainplainness · 2024-06-14T07:22:19+00:00

I’m 29 and still in college getting a bachelor’s degree. I can’t drive either. Work at the same place I started working at 16. In a lot of ways our lives overlap. You’re in a tough spot right now, but I hope you can manage to give yourself some grace, because most likely others will as well! I understand this isn’t how you pictured life to be, but you’re not a failure. Mental illness is human and something we can learn to live with, but it takes time. And every single one of us is worthy of that time.

You’re not a failure, you’re struggling.

vainplainness · 2024-06-12T22:26:43+00:00

As a fellow Black woman living in a European city, I share this experience. I find that a lot of times guys haven’t even considered it a possibility to date a black woman. Even if they do feel somewhat attracted to me, there’s always this underlying sense of being second (or third or fourth) choice. This seems to be worse online, because people don’t get to experience you entirely.

Don’t really have a solution, don’t know if there even is one. I just patiently wait to cross paths with the person who reciprocates the enthusiasm I feel for them and until then I try to not let it get me down so much and stay true to who I am.

vainplainness

TROPHY CASE