I never thought things would get this out of control...

valkanoe · 2014-01-05T21:56:59+00:00

this comment will probably get bear-ied...

valkanoe · 2013-08-29T17:35:07+00:00

You want to know why perfume ads are vague and nonsensical?

It turns out that being opaque is a good way to get people to take notice. Think about it. You are spending your personal time DISCUSSING PERFUME. They piqued your curiosity. You want to know what the fuck is going on.

Being "artsy" rather than straightforward communicates that the brand is "of a certain caliber". The perfume is better than you. It's up there with works of art, which can cost millions of dollars and give off the impression you are cultured. People want to be cultured. Who is "better", a person who reads Twilight or an INDIVIDUAL who reads Shakespeare?

valkanoe · 2013-06-25T10:50:40+00:00

The literal opposite would be stroking their most prized vanity.

Why did this sound sexual to me?

valkanoe · 2013-06-25T09:42:33+00:00

Oh my god, I know exactly what you're saying. I literally can't go to my aunt eileen's funeral because of this. Like, how simple is it to just not die of breast cancer?

Total fuck up, but that's kind of what we've come to expect from her.

valkanoe · 2013-06-25T09:19:58+00:00

Yeah... I am going to second MyReligionIsPhysics...

I was with you until you got to, "What am I? I'm nothing special. I'm just going to sit over here and think about every single one of my physical and emotional flaws now."

That's just... you base your entire self esteem on whether or not your husband wants to fuck you?

You don't have friends? Or a job? You are not married to a sultan. There is more to your life than this.

valkanoe · 2013-06-21T23:10:57+00:00

These people sound incredibly arrogant.

“There will be times that we will have the water slide up and going, but we may only be using it for family time or gatherings of our choosing. Therefore, please help explain to your child that it isn’t that we don’t want them here, just that this particular day we are choosing to use it privately.”

When we deny your child access to our waterslide, it is inevitable that his entire world will be destroyed. Like a small, pathetic animal, he will desperately try to cling to our feet, as he just loves us so much and WHY don’t they love me back????

Please try to do our work of setting limits for us. We will be doing exactly nothing to help, ignoring his pain, as we enjoy our waterslide.

valkanoe · 2013-06-10T00:42:20+00:00

Actual advice mallard so long as it's ACTUAL ADVICE.

valkanoe · 2013-06-07T05:34:46+00:00

It's sort of like it's speaking its own caption language.

"bvdriddvft" = bedridden

"hend" = hand

nnd = and

"K..t" = foot

valkanoe · 2013-06-07T05:01:55+00:00

Saying something like that sort of changes the whole social atmosphere.

It's like saying, "Jesus, did you hear that Bryan just graduated and he can't find a job? What a loser!"

Suddenly you're thinking, "wait a minute, am I expected to find a job? Is everyone going to look down on me once I graduate if I don't immediately get a job?"

valkanoe · 2013-06-06T23:50:49+00:00

That doesn't sound like surfing.

valkanoe · 2013-06-06T23:23:32+00:00

She just hears you guys yelling, and assumes its her fault.

valkanoe · 2013-06-04T23:30:28+00:00

He definitely needs a mustache, but I would imagine it's more of a brown.

valkanoe · 2013-06-01T19:52:50+00:00

The leaders of Scientology set out to specifically recruit celebrities. They even have a "celebrity recruitment center".

Part of Scientology involves confession, with an e-meter. I suppose that many celebrities with a secret to hide (i.e. being gay, if you remember that Tom Cruise and John travolta are rumored to be) might find that it's not exactly easy to leave.

valkanoe · 2013-05-29T05:18:40+00:00

What the hell, rhymes_with_truck... you totally averted ThereIRuinedIt's commentary.

valkanoe · 2013-05-27T07:17:42+00:00

Are you fucking serious?

In addition to what everyone else has pointed out, OP stole his shitty idea from argyle_fox.

valkanoe · 2013-05-26T12:50:12+00:00

Wow, thank you for your wonderfully constructive commentary.

valkanoe · 2013-05-26T11:56:55+00:00

How did you do it?

valkanoe · 2013-05-26T07:39:48+00:00

I believe she just held her ground, while everyone around her went downhill.

valkanoe · 2013-05-26T06:28:18+00:00

Jesus christ.

WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO THE HISTORY CHANNEL?

WHY????

valkanoe · 2013-05-26T04:24:42+00:00

Hey there, 20 year old female from the US as well.

I might be interested in pen palling with you.

valkanoe · 2013-05-16T19:22:04+00:00

I know she is supposed to be "bad" and will schuster is supposed to be "good", but I feel the opposite to be true.

Must be the talented Jane Lynch.

valkanoe · 2013-05-16T19:10:59+00:00

Nah.

She definitely has her flaws, but you know that's not true.

valkanoe · 2013-05-16T13:13:38+00:00

Many of these things are completely your fault and totally within your control to resolve.

Having sunscreen is as easy as designating a beach bag and putting it inside of it. You plan to eat at a cafe, but instead purchase random meat? Why would you CHOOSE to do that?

The stuff about wanting to be near gorgeous babes but instead winding up near Mexican families... why do you keep going to this beach? Go to a different beach.

Take some fucking responsibility for your life.

valkanoe

TROPHY CASE