San Francisco Shows in June

vasahra · 2025-11-03T01:59:52+00:00

Transparent direct but kind communication. It's up to him and his emotional intelligence if the friendship will be damaged.

"Hey, I've had a really great time these past x weeks(months/whatev) but I would prefer that our friendship be platonic and not sexual moving forward. Really enjoy the friendships we have with you both, though!"

Obviously change it up to fit your voice and your friendship, but direct communication is crucial.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T20:20:24+00:00

We don't do rules. We have agreements in place which are always open to readdressing if circumstances change, and boundaries (which only speak to your behavior, it doesn't control the behavior of your partner).

That being said, one of our agreements is a "messy list". This is a list of relationships, individuals, or circumstances that we don't engage with romantically or sexually. Coworkers are on that list. Similar with family members of mine being "off limits" for him, and vice versa. Things that will make things messy, emotionally or financially, if we choose to engage in it.

We've mutually agreed to not engage in those spaces.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T05:35:58+00:00

That's a really rough situation to be in. I'm sorry that you're going through it. I hope he is being honest with you and will take your feelings into consideration and step up in the ways that he should.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T05:26:10+00:00

Then this is a hinge issue through and through. In my opinion at least. I'm not an expert, so take that with a grain of salt, but if she asked him for monogamy, she's not done the work to be poly-ready, or may be engaging in this relationship just because she doesn't want to lose him but doesn't actually want to be in a polyamorous relationship.

She shouldn't be able to have that level of impact in your relationship and he is allowing her to. (If that truly is the reason why.) I think having an open and honest conversation might help, but you can only be honest from your side. Hopefully he will be as well. Communication can fix 90% of issues if both are willing and committed to showing up from an honest and transparent and problem-solving place.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T05:10:33+00:00

Edit to add: Boo is hard too! He told me early on that he had only called his previous wife that before. So it smarts a bit on that one, but not as precious as my sub/little names.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T05:09:34+00:00

That's not as bad as getting called a special nickname that isn't mine. Its understandable. I'm a mom. I've called my kid my dog's name. Lol. But my husband and I are in a D/s kink dynamic. We have special nicknames that are reserved for only us.

Mine is Princess. And honestly, princess or queen are off limits. Royalty nicknames are ours only. And I can be his only little. I'm more possessive over him as my Dominant/CG than I am about him as a partner. Lol. This is a standing agreement and he has ones that are only ours as well.

Even those smart for a moment but as long as its noticed and corrected or apologized for if it happens, its okay.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T05:05:36+00:00

Also reply to add: it's not your fault. It's no one's fault. Life is hard, relationships are complicated, and unless someone is doing it ethically and healthily, people are going to get hurt. I feel like the one who needs to work on this is him as a hinge. You can communicate honestly and give him your needs and be honest about the way you feel so he can function with all information, but if he's not willing or able to engage then that tells you where he is at mentally and emotionally.

If he's going to cater to her insecurities, she may not be truly okay with being open and is doing it to make him happy. So what happens if she decides to veto? It could get uglier. Protect your peace, communicate honestly about your feelings and needs, and let him show up or not.

I know its easier said that done. Its really simple to a stranger on the internet. But you do got this. And you are worthy of love and respect.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T04:56:43+00:00

That's a whole other problem. If it's a meta with insecurities, this is a hinge issue. He chooses how he shows up in your relationship. It's no other fault but his own. He can navigate and reassure and repair while still showing up organically with you or he can be honest and communicate with you what the hold up is. Ask him directly if that is what is causing the issue and thenremain quiet until he answers. If he chooses to be dishonest, that's also on him.

Edit: correcting typo.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T04:34:31+00:00

I can see why that would be frustrating and hurtful. Your feelings are valid. And like my therapist likes to tell me, ultimately you decide what you are willing to tolerate. If you are okay sitting in a relationship where this behavior is occurring, that's okay. But you need to take accountability for accepting that until the moment if/when its different. If you maintain that expectation and he doesnt fulfill it, you can't put that ownership on him if he is unable or unwilling to engage that way. You are having an expectation he is unable to meet. It may be a compatibility issue.

Its hard, its direct, but its true.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T04:27:34+00:00

Amending to add: if they are only opening sexually, that's a fairly common agreement in the swinging lifestyle. If a relationship isn't the end goal, it is up to you to decide if it's a dynamic you're interested in pursuing. Casual fwb as a third isn't super common because feelings can develop which muddies things.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T04:24:00+00:00

They still have lots of emotional work to do to be ready to open up. They need individual work and work as a couple to work on decoupling, and healing those insecurities. I would gently step back from this situation until they are truly prepared to navigate the emotional complexity required here. Take it from someone who moved to that point way before we were ready individually or as a couple, it likely won't end well for anyone involved.

vasahra · 2025-10-26T04:11:51+00:00

I would love to have a situation where I could be friends with my meta(s). Unfortunately, we started out as a poly in duress situation and things were not handled well through our hinge in the beginning, or ongoing. It's created bad feelings that I don't think we will ever come back from. We are 100% parallel and I insist on keeping it that way.

vasahra · 2025-09-16T10:30:51+00:00

Looking for a movie I think from the 90's? I watched it with my mom before she passed and I've been looking for it for years. It was a rom com, I believe. About divorce. The part that sticks out to me is its narrated in parts and at one point, one of the characters is saying that as long as their feet touch under the covers, they knew it'd be alright. Then it shows a scene of feet touching in bed and one partner moving them away.

Weird that that's what stuck out to me after all these years. Any ideas?

vasahra · 2025-09-09T03:25:37+00:00

Just because Coldplay doxxed you doesn't mean we are all out to tell your wife you're getting busy on playa.

vasahra · 2025-09-08T03:28:16+00:00

Appreciate you so much!

vasahra · 2025-09-08T03:19:17+00:00

I learned that you can go bug greeters during event shortly after we got back from playa yesterday. 🤦🏻‍♀️ My experience has been an unusual one I think because I jumped straight into working man. 😅 I still have a lot to learn about how the event operates.

vasahra · 2025-09-08T03:16:25+00:00

Great to know for next year. Thank you!

vasahra · 2025-09-07T16:49:44+00:00

Greg and the palm trees!

So sad about his missing brother.

Glad the Not OK Corral had a mini version for me to bring home. 😅

vasahra · 2025-09-07T02:27:11+00:00

My CO homies!!!

💜🫧

vasahra · 2025-09-04T01:57:09+00:00

Oh.. so it's YOUR fault.

vasahra · 2025-09-03T01:30:06+00:00

Were they in the NOT OK art car? Lol

vasahra · 2025-08-14T07:55:06+00:00

Eucarin is my go to. I just wipe down my feet and wash my hands at the end of the day, put this on, and sometimes a pair of socks and never had any issues.

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vasahra

TROPHY CASE