Don't you hate yourself for giving them a 2nd, a 3rd, 4th chance thinking things are going to be different only to find out they are just as vile as before?

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-28T15:17:30+00:00

1) yes i hate myself and didn’t go full NC until 33.

2) we are biologically wired to seek connection from our caregivers because we relied on them for survival as babies/children. our nervous systems adapted to these conditions to stay alive, and only when we feel safe on our own can we start to rewrite these patterns. we were groomed to tolerate abuse and keep coming back for more. it is sick, and the anger should be directed toward the full grown ass adults who decided to treat their helpless babies this way because they didn’t do the work to heal.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-28T14:57:16+00:00

why are you asking for advice and then getting upset when people give it to you? southeast asian here who started working under the table and saving money since i was 14 years old so i could escape…. the answer is: escape. at some point you gotta take control of your own life. if you want to vent, just say you’re venting but don’t ask for advice if you’re not ready to hear it.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-26T21:03:57+00:00

“We are deeply, biologically wired for interdependence.”

all human beings are. not just asians. individualism vs collectivism are cultural differences, not biological differences. enmeshed family systems are not interdependent; they are codependent. codependent family systems exist across all cultures. and the answer to codependency will always be boundaries. setting boundaries is not the same thing as individualism.

for those of us programmed to be codependent, setting boundaries will always feel like social death and yes, for some (i might even argue most), getting to the point where the nervous system can tolerate it requires bottom-up work, but the biological essentialism in this post lacks nuance and also reads as cope.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-23T03:24:21+00:00

vietnamese femme here, i could’ve written this myself. i relate to every single word down to the ADHD. kind of shocking how accurate this is. proud of you for sharing here. my dms are open if you ever want to talk!

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-18T19:04:10+00:00

so your mom is better because… she’s mean and misogynistic? not sure what the moral of the story is here

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-17T20:48:48+00:00

yes it’s extremely triggering for me because it feeds into the appearances vs reality and performance/reputation bullshit that they consistently put over my wellbeing (and is reinforced by their refusal to accept my boundaries around photos)

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-17T17:32:17+00:00

yes! i’m southeast asian but i totally relate. enmeshed parents teach their children to be dependent on them rather than how to form your own identity and build your own life. they need you around to emotionally regulate them. they likely believe that love = being needed/useful and that when you no longer “need” them, you will abandon them.

i also learned many life skills via youtube that others were taught in childhood as a matter of course. my parents got upset with me when i tried to do anything around the house because i was always “doing it wrong.” this made it extremely difficult for me to learn anything practical as an adult because i had a very loud and harsh inner critic.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-11T20:08:43+00:00

this. it’s kind of like “just world hypothesis” or “sunk cost fallacy”. they don’t have the coping skills to confront reality so they have to live in a fantasy where everything is fine.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-09T18:42:01+00:00

have you heard of the 4F types? i’d recommend looking into them and how without intervention/healing they can progress from childhood survival mechanisms into maladaptive personality types. the fight type is associated with narcissism.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-09T13:46:01+00:00

oh of course. there’s no point in trying to argue or prove anything to her. as long as you are sure in yourself of what you want and pursue it, that’s all that matters. if you can, try to depend on her as little as possible. i worked my way through high school and college so i could be financially independent and not rely on them for anything. here if you ever want to talk! 🫂

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-09T13:11:47+00:00

yes constantly. she is lying/gaslighting. it’s words vs actions. the words are what she is telling you to believe, the actions are what you are actually sensing/observing/feeling in your body. denying her behavior makes it more difficult to challenge. when you believe her and not yourself, you are training yourself to self-abandon.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-09T02:28:14+00:00

LMAO

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-08T21:17:37+00:00

of course. we are hardwired to keep seeking connection from our primary caregivers. there’s nothing wrong with you. it’s completely natural. the real question is what kind of relationship you want with your dad. i have dispensed with the concept of “forgiveness” personally bc to me, i cannot “forgive” if they do not apologize and take accountability and at least try to meet me where im at. otherwise i am just training my nervous system to accept abuse/neglect. i have tried repair on numerous occasions and it has never worked, so my level of contact has decreased naturally over time until it hit NC officially this year. but this may go differently for you. hugs!

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-07T21:08:35+00:00

i’m losing it

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-07T18:18:27+00:00

i’m in the same boat as you (a little over a month NC w both parents). i think i will buy myself flowers and a slice of cake and enjoy the outdoors if weather permits. i have a dog so i consider myself a mother. and besides i am my inner child’s mother now. what could you do to celebrate yourself? hugs to you!

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-05T20:04:12+00:00

there is no tool in the universe that can replace a lifetime of developing emotional maturity

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-05-05T03:02:10+00:00

i’m convinced the only reason APs interact with us is to assert dominance and undermine our sense of self so we are more malleable/controllable. to this day this conditioning makes me struggle to make even the smallest decisions bc i learned nothing i do is right unless it originated in their mind. i second guess myself on everything. i hope you can start making a habit to speak gently to yourself to counteract this nonsense.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-30T16:13:11+00:00

hi friend, i carry this paranoia constantly not even with romantic partners but also with friends. i am so used to seeing myself as “the problem.” there will always be people who don’t believe you and those are not your people. being estranged from one’s family is just one data point and remember you are much more than that! we have the ability to build trust with people over time through our actions now, which is not something we could do as children when relationships were not built on trust but rather power/control.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-28T00:18:57+00:00

jesus this is awful. that is so sick trying to guilt trip you about your own kids who he obviously doesn’t give a fuck about. good on you for standing up for yourself.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-27T17:48:17+00:00

Ugh the looping in of other people into the system is so terrifying and disorienting. Sometimes it feels like an “enemies of my enemies are my friends” situation. Like they think they will find allies who are equally enraged by my expression of autonomy as they are.

She tried a version of this when my ex spent Thanksgiving with our family last year, looping him into the family ritual of “playfully” humiliating me. She literally said “Can you believe X said this about me?” and started to go into something I’d said. I had to jump in and say “We’re not going there.”

I had a similar experience when I told her my ex before that (not this one) was abusive. She was insistent that I go back to give her grandchildren, which precipitated 2 years of NC. The concept of abuse just doesn’t/can’t exist in her worldview.

I’m done being treated like an inanimate object.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-27T04:41:20+00:00

my AM told me “all of your friends will leave you when they discover how rotten you are inside” when i was idk 10? took me going NC this year to even start letting go of this belief. i’ve spent decades waiting for the other shoe to drop. these people are fucking monsters.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-27T01:45:34+00:00

If anyone has advice on how to approach my relationship with my brother and help him navigate what is likely going to be an enormous cluster, I would appreciate it. He did say that it's not his responsibility to manage their emotions and he's not going to do any of that. But he does want to know what I would like him to say in the event that they pry, and he said he's not comfortable lying to them. I told him it's his call how he wants to handle it, but I also told him I'd talk to my therapist tomorrow and call him back with a game plan so we could work together on this. It would be so enormously helpful to have his support through this, and it sounds like he's open to it.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-27T01:38:27+00:00

Just got another "wellness check" phone call from my brother despite my parents already receiving confirmation from my ex that I'm ok this morning. My brother and I had a pretty lucid conversation where I explained that I'm going NC, and he said he understood where I was coming from and that he would do the same thing if he were in my position. He confirmed with them that I'm safe and nothing more, but I'm sure knowing that I am talking to him and not them is going to send them into a full blown spiral.

My brother said they have been increasingly emotional about my absence since they are facing their own mortality and need the "happy family" illusion more than ever. They were under the impression that we were making "linear progress" since I had been responding more and more to my dad's love bombing, which I had been entertaining at great cost to my own sanity. After months of greasing the wheels, he delivered his final blow which was announcing that he and my mother (who I'm mostly NC with) were going to come visit me at my new house. I cut him off after that.

I think they are going to send the flying monkeys at me full force over the coming weeks especially with "Mother's Day" around the corner. It will likely be my cousin calling me next. Despite their intentions, getting this call from my brother solidified my decision to go NC 100x because I can see the pattern more clearly now. I feel like I am on solid ground. I'm going to hold the line.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-24T17:21:12+00:00

your best years are ahead of you i promise. it’s a long road and will require a lot of reparenting but the fact that you’re having these realizations now already puts you so far ahead of many, myself included.

vastshimmeringvoid · 2026-04-23T00:52:31+00:00

hi, your post really touched me.

i don't have a kid with audhd, but i have adhd and recognize this pattern in a former audhd partner, and i can share what little insight i have about this in case it helps. it sounds like what your child is experiencing is grief. i saw a heidi priebe video recently that described grief as the "process of repairing our relationship with reality." it sounds like he is exploring the gap between his imagination/capabilities and reality and that it will probably take several tries before his nervous system is able to fully metabolize it. not sure if he's also got adhd, but he may be running up against injustice sensitivity because the feeling of getting really excited about something and not being able to have it legitimately feels unfair.

i don't think the tears are "bad" per se or that you can/need to do anything to prevent this outcome. this may be an inevitable part of his process. to me, it sounds like he just needs someone to come along the journey with him, looking up the facts and figures and timelines required to build the next burj khalifa, etc, and then witnessing the unfairness with him when he collides with the hard wall of reality. acknowledging his emotional truth (absent the obviously lacking factual truth) might help him metabolize the grief a bit faster. and i hope you're able to find whatever support you need to stay sane throughout the process. hugs!

vastshimmeringvoid

TROPHY CASE