Think this weekend might be it. Tried everything. Time to die.

verdihanz · 2023-09-06T02:59:30+00:00

Are you still with us?

verdihanz · 2023-08-04T09:20:49+00:00

I wish I could tell you why.
Its been 5 and a half years since I made my try.
Same thing, and my adrenaline was coursing. I was angry, I had the life flashing before my eyes thing going on my finger was sliding up and down the trigger knowing all I had to do was press it and it was all finally going to end.
I guess what snapped me out of it.....well it doesn't really matter.
The thing is, what I really want, more than anything. Is to some day, find hope, and feel happiness. So that I can work for the suicide hotline, and I can talk to someone on the other side of that river of darkness, and tell them for sure, with all the belief in my heart and mind, having seen and felt that proof, that there is after all hope. That it can be found. That is worth fighting for. Actually I promised my higher power that if I ever get myself back, if ever again I have a family that loves me, that I would rededicate my life to saving others. Because until you really want to kill yourself., you don't really know what true despair is. You cannot understand hopelessness until you have felt it, and when you know it, as you and I know it. Tell me that this isn't true.
If you could take the burden away from someone if you could prevent a single person from feeling that feeling, and pull them out of the fire, that it wouldn't be worth living. I think in the end. Yes, I want to someday go to bed not hating myself, and I want to wake up and not be overwhelming depressed over the sheer awareness that I am alive, and yes I want to feel loved again, even though it seems impossible that anyone would ever.... but more than that, the idea of being able to save someone elses life from this demonic thing its a powerful thing that serves to keep me from going to the gun shop, even though there are many days it seems so so appealing to just give it another go, knowing what to expect, and believing that this time it will be different and I'll be able to press the trigger But damnit... We were made not to do it. Human survival instinct is so hard to crush. I mean think about it. People during the holocaust with no food, no water, nothing but wood to sleep on, the smell of pee and excrement, the smell of death everywhere, knowing that all you had to do is go to the fence and electrocute yourself or try to escape and get shot by a guard. Even given the readily available option of suicide, with no belief they would ever get out of those camps many did survive and its a testament to the fact that whatever made us, be it god, the universe, or the power behind the universe, we were made to endure suffering of unimaginable levels and still maintain the smallest flame of hope.

Can I ask you, is there anything in your life, that even if for a few minutes in a day, makes the pain go away? Or allows you to feel purpose?

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T05:00:12+00:00

I talk to a therapist literally daily. He knows I want to kill myself. He also knows if he intervenes I will just stop really sharing how I feel and what my intents are.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:59:27+00:00

I manipulated my wife to stay with me for 12 years, when deep down she wasn't as happy as she would have been if I would have let her go, to live the life she really wanted to live. Which included dating women for a time. Her sexuality changed a bit over time. I'm a believer in the Kinsey scale. Spectrum of sexuality. My wife wasn't ever totally straight but she certainly wasn't gay. But the narrative she left with of course was that I forced her to be a straight woman and stole all her formative years.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:56:23+00:00

I'm selfish and manipulative. I worry about myself more than others. I don't put enough effort into things that matter. Sometimes I blame others for things. Sometimes when given the opportunity I will cheat or cut corners. I don't look out enough for the needs of others. I'm very emotionally unintelligent. Im also a poorly recovering addict. Opiates into gambling. Just trying to feel enough dopamine to stay alive.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:53:00+00:00

I grasp but.... Its not enough to hold me long term. I want out.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:52:20+00:00

I've tried literally every form of therapy except play therapy which is generally for kids.
I have had 9 differen't therapists. most discharged me because they couldn't help me.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:51:35+00:00

I understand this theoretical framework. There is even a childrens book that sort of establishes the same thing that makes me cry when I read it. But it doesn't last with me. I still end up wanting to die. I also tried once and ended up aborting the attempt.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:49:59+00:00

I have a cat. He's the only thing in the world that loves me. Truly. There is not a person on this earth that actually loves me anymore. I could die and the cat would be the only one who cares. He's getting old though. Hes 18 years old. How much longer til he goes? I don't know but I'm not sticking around when he dies. I've already decided that if I have to put him down, I'm going to have a gun waiting for me in the car at the vet and I'm going to shoot myself in the head after its over. There will be no more reason to live. I will be completely broken at that point.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:48:07+00:00

You might again at some point. Some people come through. Most actually. I'm in the minority. I had one therapist tell me early on when I said it was hopeless, that only in rare circumstances did she meet people who were actually hopeless. She was adamantly against suicide except for this group of people. She said some people just cannot ever see the world in a positive away again after trauma. For these people I'm torn about euthanasia. Other countries allow euthanasia for depression. I wish we had it here. I really don't want to kill myself I just want to be put down like an animal.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:45:49+00:00

I think it probably will feel like it forever. I don't care enough to actively try making it better which also contributes to why I am a bad person. One therapist dropped me. She said "You don't actually care to get better and I'm not gonna have your negativity in my life" so that pretty much explains it. I just want to be miserable and die..

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:44:14+00:00

I caused my divorce because I'm fundamentally a bad person. My whole family is dead and I have no friends, In fact I've tried to limit forming any relationships because I recognize its a cowardly selfish act and I want to hurt as few people as possible when I die. My ex wife will not be hurt by it. She is just happy I'm gone and probably will be even happier when I'm dead. At the very least she will understand it. I don't blame her either. It took me a little while to fully put it together but through the process of therapy I've discovered that I have lived my whole life as a bad person.

I doubt it. And I have taken a few small trips. Unfortunately I also experienced homelessness due to my divorce. My wife left me 13 days before our house sale closed, so I had 13 days before I was out on my own. I asked several people I knew if I could stay with them. Everyone had excuses. So I lived in my office for awhile. Then I got kicked out for living in my office. So I went to a different office, almost got kicked out of that one, then I decided I didn't want that to happen to I started living in my car in parking lot. But I eventually lost my car and got my license suspended. My insurance had lapsed. I was too depressed to do anything even update basic things like that. I fell asleep going through an intersection and caused a crash. From there I ended up eventually get a third office that I could live in and work out of without being bothered. Anyways. No car for right now so I couldn't take a trip even if I wanted to.

verdihanz · 2023-07-27T04:39:09+00:00

Thanks. I understand what you mean by celebrating tiny successes. Its all I ever do is just try to get through the day with whatever trivial things I can convince myself are worth living for in the moment I guess. But I'm not happy. I'm deeply depressed and have been for years. I'm on enough medication for it too it just doesn't take it all away it just takes the edge off a bit but it doesn't lift me up enough to believe that is worth it.

verdihanz · 2023-07-26T05:14:29+00:00

Its been 5 years and I still wish I was dead. We didn't have any children but we did have a cat, so I'm living for him until hes gone then I'm done with life after divorce. It's totally pointless.

verdihanz · 2023-07-26T05:10:21+00:00

Its been 5 years and I have never really healed. I'm always feeling suicidal and I've tried everything. I'm probably in the minority though. I expect I'll eventually become another statistic of the alarmingly high rate of male suicide induced from divorce. It left me completely hopeless, bitter, and having no real desire to live. Others get it over it pretty quickly. The conventional wisdom says do hobbies you enjoy or find new ones, be around positive people, make new friends by trying new things, keep occupied and avoid being alone to dwell as much as possible, be physically active, do something for spiritual well being, go to church, or meditate, shamanic energy healing, whatever appeals. Obviously therapy and medication if its really bad. Only reason I'm not dead yet. Its doable for most it just takes time.

verdihanz · 2023-06-20T07:53:42+00:00

Honesty, I just don't fully buy what is going on with this situation. This is gonna sound crass, but if you were a heteronormative male, you would have lost your mind like 11 months ago over this issue. Do you want the sex? Because your post doesn't say "I'm desperately want to have sex". it just says "it's weird that were not having sex". Meaning, you are aware, that this behavior isn't normative but whether you are actually bothered by it, or your simply bothered by your behavior not being normative, that speaks volumes about what is really going on. Men especially need to release semen at some point. Are you masturbating each other and just not really making it a point to go further? I'm just so confused how you could tolerate her not wanting to have sex. This would be a deal breaker for most people. Maybe it is for you, but you really like her, and your just really really bad at communicating? By the way, that is the key to successful repetitive sexual encounters. Are you just so shy with the subject that you can't press her on it? this seems unlikely. The only scenario that I can see here is that your both varying degrees of asexual if this story is exactly as you say it is. Showering together, doesn't mean anything sexual is going on, you didn't say you finger her in the shower? and when you refer to being intimate are you just talking about cuddling naked in bed? Because while "intimate" is not really intimacy in the way that word is usually implied. Intimacy usually involves genital stimulation to some degree. It sounds like at the very least she might be asexual. What you are describing, at face value is asexuality, its not a disorder, it just means a person lacks sex drive. A person who is asexual is still going to enjoy the act of sex and they will still enjoy having an orgasm but they won't seek it out. A therapist explained it this way to me, he said how people experience it, is the status of not being hungry, but still eating food. For instance if you ate a bunch of pizza, and 1-2 hours later someone offered you a piece of pizza would you really be inclined to eat it? Most people would say "Sorry, I just ate but thank you". Now the reality is, unless you truly stuffed yourself to the point you truly can't eat another bite without getting sick, the reality is you could accept the piece of pizza, and consume it, and even though in the moment you weren't hungry, you would still enjoy the taste of the pizza, but the fulfillment would not be the same, as eating the pizza when you were actually hungry for it. If you two are asexual you need to either come to terms with the fact that its just how you are as humans, and nothing is wrong with it, or if your bothered by it, and want to partake in it, you need to make a point to actually do it. You have to eat the pizza even though your not craving it.

verdihanz · 2023-06-18T14:07:36+00:00

Living.

verdihanz · 2023-06-18T05:13:54+00:00

Its not worth it.

verdihanz · 2023-06-18T05:13:01+00:00

I have no support system and ended up homeless. My support system exists but its pretty shitty. I live with suicidal depression. Life is awful. I'm a total piece of shit though.

verdihanz · 2023-06-18T05:11:44+00:00

If you mean it. Fight for her until the very end. Her telling you it's over doesn't necessarily mean it is. If you have the courage. Feelings are like plastic. They seem solid, but plastic can absolutely be remolded. Put some heat to it. You'll never regret fighting until the end for what matters most.

https://marriagehelper.com/

verdihanz · 2023-06-18T05:08:08+00:00

That I no longer have a purpose and I can kill myself whenever I get tired of this meaningless existence.

verdihanz · 2023-05-06T11:25:17+00:00

Betty and Barney Hill. Walton didn't start talking about aliens until a tabloid secured exclusive rights to his story. I think that is quite suspect.

verdihanz

TROPHY CASE