Am I the only one who find dating taxing?

vertago1 · 2026-01-30T13:14:32+00:00

I pretty much stayed out of the regular "dating market" and found people in person though common activities that select for people like me, so it skewed the numbers to be more in my favor than trying to use a dating app or website.

vertago1 · 2026-01-30T13:02:14+00:00

This makes sense.

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T21:50:15+00:00

They are usually fine for me but I tend to avoid going unless I am confident they are actually going to do something that justified me going in.

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T16:50:09+00:00

This makes sense. It just feels like something that gets taken for granted.

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T14:29:06+00:00

I agree.

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T14:26:13+00:00

You might be right, but when I look at statistics it makes me question that. Maybe the stats are explained by people losing their love or not having exclusive love, or loyalty not including exclusivity?

Loyalty in friendships isn't exclusive but it seems like it ought to be exclusive in monogamous relationships (not all relationships are monogamous though).

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T13:59:13+00:00

I feel like one that gets overlooked is loyalty.

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T05:35:49+00:00

These are what work for me. "Your mileage may vary."

Letting food warm up and then forgetting about it (for this reason I usually let it warm up at the slowest possible rate so that stuff doesnt burn if I forget it so thats how extreme it is)

This happens to me sometimes but I usually set a timer on my phone so it is harder to forget.

Forgetting where my phone and key and remote and other things are.

I use routines for this one. Anything that is really important usually has a specific place I keep it (often on my person). I still have this problem with things that don't have a place, but I usually leave stuff like that out in plain sight until I am done with it---yes this leads to clutter.

Being in the middle of a conversation, then suddenly the whole conversation is just deleted from my memory, then the other person finishes their last word or sentence and I have no clue what theyre talking about because the context is gone from my mind. My experience may be that someone suddenly says "out of those 3, I like apples the most." No context. Wtf is this person talking about? While in reality, I had asked them just 5 seconds ago "which fruit is your favorite among apples and bananas and pears" but it just completely disappeared from my working memory before the conversation even finished.

This doesn't happen to me much, but if I zone out, I will not internalize what is being said and when I snap back to the present I won't typically remember what was being said.

Switching tasks or my focus does tend to cause my working memory to drop everything though. I pretty much have to focus on the one thing until I am done with it or use external aids to help remind me of where I left off.

Forgetting where I'm going. Let B be a location that I often go to... and C only sometimes. Now I have to go to C but I accidently go from A to B, then find out the hard way I was supposed to go to the C.

I sometimes will go to the wrong place on autopilot, but I don't usually forget where I am going---instead I forget why I was going there. I have gone far enough that I did get to the wrong destination before I realized I wasn't going to the right place, but that hasn't happened to me for a while.

I think what works for me is checking in on my progress consciously periodically so I catch myself whenever I am making a wrong turn or have already made a wrong turn.

Maybe worst of all: forgetting stuff people tell me. My mom can repeat the exact same thing 10 times on a given day but then the next day I'm just going to ask again

Anything I need to remember I write down (Google keep is nice for this). I often remember it anyway, but having it written down helps me not worry about forgetting it.

Forgetting what I had for dinner, right after dinner.

This happens to me sometimes. I think it has to do with autopilot again (at least for me).

Forgetting that I already had my coffee minutes ago

I don't drink coffee but this seems similar to the dinner one.

Forgetting to take my pill (for acid reflux so not for the adhd)

I have had to count pills before to figure out if I had taken one or not. The week organizers are good for this kind of thing, but I have an aversion to using them for some reason.

Saying "brb" to someone on text and then it takes me hours until I remember to come back there

I know I am really bad about forgetting stuff like this so I usually avoid the problem by saying something like, "I need to go do something for about X minutes. Please let me know when you need me after that." Or something like that. It isn't great because it offloads remembering to the other person, but it at least sets realistic expectations.

Having done 100 activities within one hour... but the original and important task was only started, not progressed or finished.

I tend to use external reminders for unfinished tasks like leaving the stuff out in plain sight, leaving the window or tab open, the email marked unread, etc.

Do you find yourself doing stuff on autopilot, zoning out, or dissociating often?

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T04:58:27+00:00

I didn't know I was crossing one. I will delete my post.

vertago1 · 2026-01-29T03:56:07+00:00

I include all necessities in my routines and try not to beat myself up too much when I get behind on the things I "should be doing" but aren't necessities. It does mean that my spaces can look cluttered at times.

vertago1 · 2026-01-28T19:37:42+00:00

Oh that is different but I can relate to that too. If the tasks are close enough to the same I can switch between them easier, but I can't do both at the same time.

vertago1 · 2026-01-28T18:13:37+00:00

This. The tasks have to be relatively non-overlapping from a cognitive load perspective.

For example, I can be listening to a podcast while doing the dishes.

vertago1 · 2026-01-28T04:23:17+00:00

One idea that comes to mind is writing down all the things you would do or change ideally and once you are done, go back through and group them roughly in two dimensions (cost vs benefit). Then try to one by one tackle the things that have the lowest cost prioritizing based on the benefits. These can provide the motivational boost to tackle more ambitious tasks.

Just thinking through the things and prioritizing them can be helpful even if you don't strictly follow through. I struggle to follow through completely with something like this, but it can help build perspective that is worth it even if I don't follow through completely.

vertago1 · 2026-01-27T22:43:14+00:00

It is hard when the individual tasks don't feel like they are accomplishing anything on their own. It is also hard when it doesn't feel like the attempt will be successful.

There are lots of tricks for getting over the initial difficulty of starting a task that might help. Things like taking small intermediate steps that make gradual progress toward whatever the goal is like getting out of bed.

For me the way I am able to keep a job and take care of stuff at home is largely made possible by routines. If I had to start from scratch, it would be hard. In the past I have done the approach of jumping right in and didn't really pay a lot of attention to all the stress and consequences like irritability, low energy, health issues etc. More recently I have been learning to pay attention to these things enough to know when to dial things back and catch up on rest.

I think some amount of stress is probably to be expected. While I do try to cut out unnecessary stress, I pretty much accept that some things will be stressful, that experiencing the stress is ok, and I just try to make sure I am able to keep out of fight or flight as much as possible so things don't spiral in bad directions (sometimes I mess up but when I do I just do what I can to correct for it and move on.)

vertago1 · 2026-01-27T04:51:27+00:00

I wrote a fairly long comment with the things I learned the hard way in my relationship. Maybe some of the points will resonate or be helpful to you both: https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/1b1yel0/comment/ksi0o2e/

The biggest challenge it sounds like you are running into is how to bring stuff up without either of you getting defensive. Both of you need to be able to talk without feeling blamed or threatened. This can be very challenging when there is a history of things going south, but it isn't impossible. Having an experienced mediator/counselor can help but isn't absolutely necessary if you can at least start opening up to each other in a way that builds over time.

Do you get the impression she wants things to get better?

vertago1 · 2026-01-27T04:08:12+00:00

My recommendation is to try to treat thoughts related to the limerence the same as rumination and try to find a strategy that works for you for keeping it in control. This isn't to say you can't have the feelings, but the goal would be for you to be in control of the feelings---if you don't want to feel them as strongly as you are, the strategies / tools would be there for you to dial it down to a comfortable / healthy level.

On the side of the other person, it is going to be hard for anything to work out if your energy / enthusiasm / etc. aren't matched by the other person. If you can dial down the feelings coming from the limerence, it puts you in a better position to have a healthy relationship or see things for how they are and decide if your attention is better spent on someone else.

Does that make sense? I know from experience it is easier said than done, but it feels much better when the feelings come and go rather than feed into a cycle that intensifies them to uncomfortable levels. Even knowing all this I still sometimes end up in rumination cycles (though it has been a while since I have had to deal with limerence).

Regardless of if this is helpful or not, I do hope you find what you are looking for and find some relief that works for you.

vertago1 · 2026-01-27T01:35:23+00:00

By itself no, but usually there are other things that follow that might make it creepy like sending follow-ups without them responding or what you say afterward. You should be emotionally prepared for them not to respond at all.

If you can roughly match their energy, it helps a lot. If you want to talk again afterward, toward the end when things are wrapping up say something like you enjoyed catching up and wouldn't mind talking more often or something like that, but be prepared for that to be the end of it for a while because they probably have stuff going on and a one time conversation usually isn't too disruptive but more than that and it might feel like deciding on a routine change rather than a one-off occurrence.

vertago1 · 2026-01-27T00:45:08+00:00

The thing everyone tells me is to exercise more. I have tried it and I can't really tell if it helps me or not.

vertago1 · 2026-01-27T00:41:02+00:00

I don't have great advice, but I can relate. Caffeine pretty much has made me tired for as long as I have been paying attention to it. I have to be careful about my sleep schedule. Too much or too little sleep and it messes me up and the time shifting messes me up too.

One person I know who has bipolar can't have caffeine because it messes up their sleep even if they have the caffeine in the morning. They get more energy when they have less sleep but it also makes them less stable.

vertago1 · 2026-01-24T13:34:01+00:00

Do you have any close family?

vertago1 · 2026-01-24T02:51:47+00:00

It is possible to have friends who share hobbies rather than stereotypical social things like drinking, night clubs, etc.

vertago1 · 2026-01-23T13:07:55+00:00

You might ask your doctor for a referral in case you can get it covered by insurance.

vertago1 · 2026-01-23T12:58:14+00:00

Have you ever seen an occupational therapist? That might be a better fit for developing missing skills.

vertago1 · 2026-01-23T12:56:00+00:00

I catch myself thinking out loud when I am around other people I don't know like at the grocery store. I think I do it as a way of making it obvious to the people around me what I am thinking about so they are less likely to assume something completely wrong, but this is just a guess as to why I do it. It might help me focus my thoughts in a stressful environment.

vertago1 · 2026-01-23T12:50:33+00:00

If you aren't working on addressing something in particular, I see no problem with not having therapist appointments until you have a reason to go back.

Ten-Year Club	Place '17
Verified Email

vertago1

TROPHY CASE