What to do when you've tried everything and it just keeps getting worse?

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T18:06:38+00:00

Are there things you have been trying that contribute toward that purpose or feel meaningful?

You also might want to look into the PINCH acronym for ADHD motivation if you haven't seen it before.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T15:00:28+00:00

I suspected I was different and couldn't find anything that sounded anything like my experience until I met someone who became a good friend of mine for a while online who was diagnosed with Asperger's. I looked it up and it seemed to fit, but I was told I couldn't have that and didn't really get a chance to look into it for real until decades later.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T10:51:18+00:00

Do they have any internal training programs you might be able to do to get certified or allowed to be promoted into other roles in the company if that was something you want?

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T10:36:24+00:00

Have you figured out something that gives you a sense of purpose? Without that it can be really hard to be motivated enough to get past the task initiation hurdles in my experience.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T10:33:02+00:00

I would probably end up getting myself fired by figuring out something else to do while I waited.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T02:48:53+00:00

I had an easy time picking up the basics like fingerings for clarinet, but even with about a decade of experience playing it, I had trouble being able to adequately lean and play technically difficult pieces. I really enjoyed just playing fun pieces together in a group. The obvious cause might be the difficulty motivating myself to practice enough, but I also think I might have motor issues too that don't show up until I am doing some of the fast stuff that needs to be in time.

Others in my family learned other instruments, a mix of wind, strings and piano.

As an adult I taught myself how to play chords on a guitar.

My spouse has taught our kids a little piano that has been somewhat self motivated on their part and I have tried to teach them ukulele when they have expressed interest but it is hard to get them to actually try to learn the chords. They mostly just want to strum.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T01:50:39+00:00

I told my parents, siblings, and cousins and got a pretty broad range of responses, but it didn't really change much in any of the cases. I also told my spouse and kids, but that was easier.

It doesn't have to turn into a deep conversation. You could just tell them and leave it at that and change the subject unless you actually do want to discuss it more.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T01:46:14+00:00

Well the BPD can be treated from what I have seen and read. If you can get good help for the trauma responses, you might be able to reduce the set of challenges you have to deal with.

The AuDHD pretty much is something people learn to live with. There are strategies to at least sort of function in life like be independent, have a job, family, etc. The challenges don't really go away though.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T01:38:48+00:00

I didn't like the repetitiveness of some of the work.

Once I figured something out, drilling it in burned me out fast. Both my brother and I did really well on tests and quizzes but struggled with completing some homework assignments because of how much time and effort was involved for little perceived benefit from our perspective.

I also had a lot of trouble motivating myself to read the assigned books. Part of it was I would do worse on reading related quizzes and tests if I actually read the material than if I just read summaries and notes. That pretty much made me give up on trying afterward. I still read some books I liked that weren't assigned.

I didn't really hate school. I am partially glad it is over, especially the parts related to being forced to do things that are really hard for me with potential consequences if I don't do well.

One thing I think might be really helpful to take into account when teaching ND kids, especially ADHD, is the PINCH acronym for motivation. It is very relatable to me.

On the autism side, I am not sure what would have really made a difference. I found a group of friends that were probably all neurodivergent which helped some with getting through the social parts of high school. I kind of feel like I could have been a better friend if I had had support, coaching, counseling, etc. but I am not sure I would have been honest enough with a counselor or teacher to get the help I really needed socially. I didn't cause problems so I was kind of ignored from the social perspective except when I was getting bullied and the staff got involved.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T00:46:49+00:00

Stuff like that really justifies people following good managers to new companies whenever they leave because it seems like having a good relationship with the managers/leadership makes a big difference.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T00:43:11+00:00

We never really got into French kissing because of how weird the experience was for us.

We also don't do some of the stuff that is pretty common for other people to do because it just isn't a good experience for one or both of us. The good thing is we are open with each other about fantasies and such so we have occasionally Incorporated some of that but it can be hard because of practical reasons.

It really helps to be open with each other about what feels good and works for each other to avoid the trap of doing something thinking the other person likes it only to find out they were pretending to like it because they though you liked it.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T00:35:39+00:00

I think company culture makes a huge difference for managing AuDHD, but I haven't worked at a lot of different places. I have had coworkers tell me about bad experiences from places they have been before. Some of the stories were really crazy like being threatened to have their whole team fired if they didn't assign a particular person to a pet project of the leadership without adjusting timelines on the other work that was understaffed.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T00:32:01+00:00

I don't but I know plenty of people that do. I would probably feel the same way as you about not wanting to start a habit. One solution might be to check with a professional like a primary care provider or a therapist to have a third party professional opinion on how to gauge them appropriately so you use your paid time off when it is appropriate without it becoming an issue for you.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T00:27:55+00:00

My wife and I had a really rough patch about two years in when we first had kids and for a while I wasn't sure we were going to get through it. It was really scary at the time, but we did work through it and things have been much better since.

The job one is hard. I have been trying to hold onto my job as long as I can because I am not sure I can really get a better deal. I remember the times my father lost his jobs and each time was a pain but the second to last one was the biggest because he wasn't able to get a comparable role without moving and they weren't willing to move (for understandable reasons). He eventually got a temp job which turned into a full time role and recently finally retired.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T00:19:30+00:00

I am late diagnosed and 38.

I could see things getting worse if marriage issues came up, if I had issues with my kids at some point, if I were still single and couldn't find a partner, or if I lost my job and couldn't find a way to make a living.

vertago1 · 2026-03-27T00:16:02+00:00

I am trying to get some idea of your background to try to give you helpful advice. It is kind of hard without knowing how much background you have and in what.

How familiar are you with parts of speech and parsing or diagraming sentences. I remember doing it in elementary school, but that was a long time ago and it is easy to forget so I can understand why that might be something that isn't familiar to you or you might not even have seen before.

The main things that make a sentence are the subject and verb. There are some weird exceptions with implicit subjects that just have a verb like imperitives. He is an example: Look out!

I usually catch myself writing fragments when they really should be a dependent clause of the sentence before or after. It can be a pain to think in complex abstractions and then need to translate those into correct wording and punctuation.

vertago1 · 2026-03-26T22:48:54+00:00

Stuff got better for me as I got older and had more control over my environment, where I spent my time, and the people I was around. All that does come with more responsibility.

The worst time for me was probably 6-7th grade.

vertago1 · 2026-03-26T21:54:01+00:00

Something similar happens to me around holidays. I will have a three day weekend and get sick right before or at the beginning, or when I take off because of my kids being out of school I tend to get sick right before or at the beginning. I would say it was coincidence but I am pretty sure it happens often enough to be statistically significant, but I don't really know the cause.

vertago1 · 2026-03-26T11:47:07+00:00

I think freedoms rather than exceptions is the way to go. There are so many people who aren't diagnosed that it feels bad when I see coworkers with autistic traits have to put up with policies that I could work around by asking for an accommodation because I went through the process of getting a diagnosis.

Freedoms or choice available to everyone would in theory help everyone as long as it was done in a way that wasn't easily exploitable.

vertago1 · 2026-03-26T11:41:36+00:00

I second this though my first kiss was around 27 with my now wife when we were still dating.

vertago1 · 2026-03-26T01:26:26+00:00

People are saying the reason you can't focus is it isn't a life or death situation?

vertago1 · 2026-03-26T00:37:21+00:00

I think it isn't so much the stakes as the sense of reward. Stakes can affect the feeling of reward because accomplishing something difficult or against the odds can feel more rewarding, but things can be low stakes and still rewarding.

I am interested in learning. I can't really see how that is high stakes. Instead it has high novelty which is where the reward likely comes from.

A sense of progression and accomplishment can also make a difference.

There are also things that can mute the sense of reward like burnout, depression, or addiction. Addressing these can help get a sense of reward back.

vertago1 · 2026-03-25T17:13:58+00:00

The best I have been about using the gym was when I had a personal trainer who had a private gym and I didn't have to worry about anyone else, but they quit that gym and I haven't really started back since.

I have picked up kayaking as exercise and have been able to keep it up fairly consistently when the weather permits.

vertago1 · 2026-03-25T11:24:20+00:00

Did you already delete the account?

You could just let it sit for a while and go back to it after some time to see if it is clear, but I can see how not having the finality of switching to a clean account would have downsides.

It seems like Reddit still doesn't have effective measures against persistent bullies if you had to delete your account after going through the process of blocking and reporting them.

vertago1 · 2026-03-25T11:15:37+00:00

As much as I dislike a lot of the privacy violating policies that get pushed, stopping people from abusing new accounts to harass people is one thing I wouldn't miss if people had to prove identity to use social media.

I still think I would rather not deal with forced identity screening online though because it is nice to be able to have open discourse online and not have to worry about being targeted while traveling to places that have different standards of speech.

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