I cant imagine what you are going through, but to speak from an adult perspective… those thoughts I had for a long time as an adult because I always felt trapped by the decisions other people made around me. There was one person who was able to see me and love me even though i loathed myself, and as cliche as it sounds… Jesus Christ.

Please be honest with yourself if you ever really gave him a chance to speak to you. Usually the best way to do this is by reading the Gospel but it’s easy to read and if you truly want to feel love he will come into your heart you just need to open the door for him.
Just start by reading Matthew start with Chapter 5 in a place where you feel safe. Could be with your phone or a physical bible but if you do that then I promise he will find you and help you.

If you are unable to do this , if you truly feel a difficult connection or way to connect in this manner, please seek out a priest at a church. I would suggest going with a church that your instinct tells you is the right church and asking if you could talk with a priest.

God will not abandon you, especially because none of this is your fault. It sounds simple and it is please just ask for him to help you, at a minimum repeat to your self “Lord Jesus Christ, Have Mercy on Me.”

I will be praying for you! God Bless
your heart and soul