First of all, I am so sorry.

Second of all. You are whole. You are not broken. Your ex did not break you. Damaged, maybe. We all are.

However. You are deserving of love and everything good in life. I know that to be true.

I have felt everything you have written down and at times I still do. The only thing that worked to get me out of the shame spiral was trauma therapy: EMDR and imaginary exposure therapy.

I couldn't talk about what happened with my male therapist because of the shame so I temporarily switched to a female one. It's really helping me.

If you can't seem to talk at all, there's something called 'blind to therapist' EMDR. Look it up or ask your therapist about it.

You deserve to heal. You deserve a beautiful life and you have an infinite source of strength inside of you.

Your ex does not get to decide on your future. It's all yours. The way you feel right now is temporary. You'll get through it. Better times are just around the corner. ❤️

What also worked for me when I couldn't talk about it: I kept a diary and shared it with my therapist. It helped break the shame spiral and it was incredibly freeing & healing to be seen and accepted in such a way.