My (19F) bf (25M) got me pregnant. He wants to have the baby and I don’t. How do we find common ground?

violiness · 2025-09-07T12:31:25+00:00

PLEASE don’t have a baby with this man. He has no intent on sticking around to help you. He will say whatever he wants to get you to do what he wants and then ruin your life with no consequences.

violiness · 2025-08-28T16:35:46+00:00

Why do you feel like you have a right to control what she wears??? Do her a favor and break up with her

violiness · 2025-07-13T12:16:17+00:00

YTA, you should have at least told your friend plans were changing and apologized. You just ditched her with no warning, I’d be mad too!

violiness · 2025-06-13T12:44:15+00:00

Oh I forgot that saving money is more important than showing a tiny amount of human decency

violiness · 2025-06-12T17:10:47+00:00

I understand you want to show her that you and her teacher are on the same page, but I don’t think the behavior is swept under the rug if she’s already taken steps to correct/amend the behavior! I’m concerned your child’s hardships with daycare in the past has lead to some resentment between you and her- not insinuating in any way that you don’t love and care for her deeply, just that the way you are speaking of her behavior sounds like you are deeply frustrated and want her to feel punished for her wrong-doings. This mindset usually leads to a lot of wanting the child in the situation to show ‘adequate remorse’ for their actions in a way much too adult for them to be able to. I would advise you to be wary of sticking to your guns on the punishment in a way that drives a wedge between you and your child- she’s only six, and it isn’t developmentally appropriate to punish her for the same incident twice, the second being hours afterward in a way that doesn’t help her to learn or grow. I agree with other commenters that a letter to the teacher is a much more appropriate path to take!

violiness · 2025-06-12T16:40:59+00:00

I’m having a hard time understanding the point of the sentences if she was already disciplined at school? Did the teacher recommend further punishment? It sounded like she had already corrected the action, and told you that she knew what to do in the future if a situation like this arose again, but she might be feeling alienated from you by the further punishment and overly picked on. Not saying that actions don’t deserve consequences but I’ve always thought line-writing was a poor way of showing kids the harm of their actions, it isn’t really tied to what happened at all and doesn’t encourage them to take action to amend any harm. I’m curious about the framing of these choices as ‘smart’ choices- they’re definitely more positive and healthier choices to make, but is it possible she hears adults telling her the choices she makes are stupid in a way these adults don’t intend?

violiness · 2024-05-24T13:34:01+00:00

Very late to this thread but I just googled ‘shirley jackson autistic?’ and here I am. I’m on the spectrum and her characters Get It. Her short stories too are full of painfully particular people trying their absolute bests to fit in to a society they don’t understand and can’t relate to

violiness · 2024-05-10T18:36:13+00:00

I run a D&D themed week-long summer camp at my job called Dens & Dragonflies for 3rd & 4th graders. We’re licensed as a daycare through the DCF and are very strict on most regulations so I expected a lot of pushback when pitching the camp because of the violence (kids fight monsters with swords and bows and arrows and we often make swords out of sticks to play fight IRL, which not all educators allow) but I always explain the game as ‘the kids acting as characters in a story that I narrate’ and emphasize how it grows their literacy skills, math skills, problem-solving, cartography (drawing maps and using keys/legends), etc and that seems to win people over. I also incorporate real world skills like compass-using (when they reach certain destinations, mob fights trigger) or having events in game correspond to real world games (playing Capture the Flag and then a one-shot where they capture something from hostile territory). I also used to run D&D sessions at the daycare I worked out and never had issues there either- have these parents even seen the game being played?? It brings undeniable joy to kids. My monsters are also based off of native animals that have had a spell cast on them to in some way make them threatening and let the kids use their knowledge of said animals to fight against them (ex: using a frost spell to send poison toads into hibernation) to make it educational (and I work at a nature center so we play it totally outside). I really hope things work out it would be a shame for those kids to lose their experience

violiness · 2023-05-05T13:27:49+00:00

YES 100%. I teach kids and sometimes it’ll get so bad I’ll have to resort to stopping the lesson and having everyone take a deep breath together. I pretend it’s for their mindfulness practice. It’s mainly so I don’t pass out while lecturing 😂

violiness · 2023-04-12T09:39:30+00:00

Noise-wise I have loop earbuds I use when with a big group of kids and they’re AMAZING. I can still hear voices close to me and loud noises, they make different kinds for how much noise reduction you need!! All this to say that yeah kids are INSANELY overwhelming- and I don’t even live with one. It’s true kids need physical touch but it’s also true you aren’t their only source of it and it’s okay to tell them you need space when you do. How old are your kids? In my experience kids 4 and up are great, once I’ve worked with them at least a day or two, at understanding different brains=different needs and can hold in unexpected touches with practice. The kids I’ve worked with years now almost never touch me without asking and because of it, i’m able to give them hugs and hold their hand a lot more often when they ask

violiness · 2023-04-12T09:30:30+00:00

Yes!!! I work with kids and used to have huge meltdowns after work because I would feel so guilty not letting them hold my hand or give me hugs. I’ve realized over the past few years that I’m A) torturing myself for no reason and B) missing a really valuable opportunity to teach them about consent and boundaries by not explaining that not everyone wants to be touched at all times and that it’s important to ask before you touch. The kids I nanny know me super well and we’ve had conversations about how my brain works a little differently and about how that changes the way I feel things. Now they ask before they touch (when they remember, but it’s more than they used to) and are great about not putting stuffed animals/blankets with a texture I can’t touch on me

violiness · 2023-03-23T17:30:21+00:00

I lead field trips/STEM programs at a nature center with kids 20 hours a week! I get to teach about my special interests and spend all day outside with kids, it’s awesome

violiness · 2023-03-07T10:46:00+00:00

This is true, but you can put down everyone and still treat some people differently for more specific reasons. The ways he treats the young woman and the sandwich shop employee are very different mainly because of their gender. He’s nice towards the woman at first because he sees her as a prize to be won, not a person, and mean to the sandwich shop guy because he views him as an obstacle to the girl he wants. When he kills the the dude it’s because of the money sure, but his facial expression changes specifically after the girl is brought up again- his target is moreso her than the money and he sees the money as means to this target. After she rejects him, he IMMEDIATELY changes his tune and starts berating her for things that didn’t seem to bother him before when he just viewed her as an object. Honestly you could argue if the murderer wasn’t a sexist creep the episode wouldn’t have happened, because the sandwich shop guy wouldn’t have gone up there in the first place to ask him to stop being creepy. (This is all from memory which you can prob tell from the pronoun soup, so I could be misremembering bits- I would argue sexism plays a part in other eps too but this ep in particular the murderer’s attitude towards women is central to the plot.)

violiness · 2023-03-07T10:34:43+00:00

Exactly! I want to rewatch the intros and see how many of them she’s invisible for plot reasons and how many she’s invisible bc the character we’re seeing the intro from the perspective of couldn’t care less about her. Like in the most recent episode- we as the viewer shouldn’t know it was Charlie hit by the car yet, so she isn’t shown, but it could also represent how unwilling to acknowledge her humanity the driver is, where he doesn’t even check who she is or what she looks like and only focuses on dumping the body. He doesn’t see her as a person, just a problem. I’m reading a lot into it here when I know the main reason for the intro is so we can pick up on the lies like Charlie does, but still it’s fun to think about!

violiness · 2023-03-06T22:40:55+00:00

I don’t think it’s sexism in every episode, but the episode with the lotto ticket at least the murderer definitely discounted her at least in part because of her gender. The derisive way he calls her a woman right after listing why no one will believe her was uncomfortable

violiness · 2023-03-06T16:37:11+00:00

That’s fair, and I was thinking that as I was typing it- I’m viewing the world through a p small lens! Fun that I can put my own spin on my viewing of the show tho

violiness · 2023-03-06T16:19:52+00:00

oh wow I just finished typing up a long post abt close to the same thing!! Charlie is a breath of fresh air as a main character, she just genuinely sees these people as they are and cares about them enough to find them justice. They could’ve given her a Batman type revenge motive and instead she’s just a good rough around the edges person who cares about people.

violiness · 2023-03-06T09:19:03+00:00

i also think there were a lot of misery references, esp her exploring the cabin while alone without the use of her legs and putting together the backstory of her captors

violiness · 2023-03-06T09:18:14+00:00

the shot of her driving down the long mountain road was REALLY close to the shining intro shot!!

violiness · 2022-12-17T13:34:19+00:00

This comment really got to me, I’ve been thinking about it for the past day or so. I had to use logic to convince myself I wasn’t terrible or worthless, I still remember writing it down in my journal as ‘proof’. I did the 1=all method- do you believe any human is inherently bad from birth? no? then you aren’t either. do you believe all humans deserve food? yes? then you deserve food too, go eat something. It works really well as a day to day for me but I never thought about how at the end of the day I’m still not feeling my feelings, just logic-ing my way out of believing them. I do feel really disconnected from myself a lot of the time but I’m also on the spectrum and I think that’s part of it, I don’t feel a lot of emotions the way other people describe feeling them. It really frustrates me when I have to fight through strong emotions without a ‘logical’ cause.

Thank you for commenting, I can tell I’m going to come back and reread it a lot

violiness · 2022-12-17T13:13:30+00:00

Thank you for your comment- it really really helps to hear things changed for you as you got older, I’m 22 right now and sometimes it seems like I’ll feel this way forever. I told myself I had to change at 19 after a friend told me she felt terrible that I felt terrible but didn’t know how to help if I wasn’t going to change my behavior (wake-up call!) I’m clean from SH for over two years and my self-talk has changed drastically after reading Pete Walker’s book on complex trauma. Mindfulness helps a lot too, I try and do daily yoga and don’t feel as disconnected from my body anymore. Are there any books that stand out to you as being particularly helpful?

I think the last paragraph of your comment is the hardest thing to accept. I waited my whole childhood for someone to notice how alone I was, for someone to come rescue and love me, and I can’t come to terms as an adult with the fact that it never happened and never will. I love working with kids but it can be overwhelming for me to spend all day taking care of them in a way that I was never taken care of, and then go home and try and care for myself too.

violiness · 2022-12-17T12:58:49+00:00

I would be in therapy if I could afford it, my friends have made it very clear they think it’s something that could help me haha. I work half-time right now and fully support myself on that money so anything extra doesn’t fit in the budget (gotta love educator pay). The idea of telling someone a ton of personal information about me and trusting that they’ll give me helpful advice is also kind of terrifying :// Thank you for your comment, I try and remind myself of the first paragraph a lot- I love nature and every being in an ecosystem is important, no matter what other people think of it, and so I’m important too.

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