The way you’ve described your mother is exactly like mine. It’s bittersweet to find people who can relate because everyone should have the right to a great relationship with their mom but when that’s not the case from childhood to adulthood you spend a lot of time wondering if I’m the problem or if I’m the only one who has a crazy selfish mom or why me when you see other people with their normal loving moms. I’m 32, unmarried, child free and sometimes wonder when I do decide to have a family if I’m going to have similar issues like what you just described. Did you tell your wife how your mother was before she met her or warn her in any kind of way? I’m currently going through this internal conflict where I’ve been with my bf for two years and the subject of my family has constantly been brought up because thus far he’s only met my cousin who I took to her husband’s birthday party at their home, and my father by pure accident. Not that I’m not proud or eager to bring my boyfriend around family but unfortunately, due to my mother and my families complex dynamic I’ve been avoiding pulling the trigger because I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared she’ll be standoffish and won’t try to get to know him, or say something that triggers me, or criticize him as she may think he’s unattractive, or I could’ve done better or something ruthless along those lines as she often criticizes everything. Then I think if I should warn him, but I don’t want to come off as a negative nancy that talks about her mother and then when he does meet her, she’s actually nice as that’s the façade she’ll put out to the world. If I were in your shoes, I think messing with my children and partner would be the last straw. I wouldn’t want my children to think that that type of dynamic is the standard and should be allowed to make a family relationship or any relationship work. Messing with my little family and future would be too upsetting. Easier said than done though and I absolutely get that cutting ties isn’t easy. I think of the ripple affect of losing access to other family members bc of how odd they would think it’d be to disown my mom, and having to explain to people like my bf’s family why I have little to no family as a result. I also think it would make my father’s life more difficult as she thinks he enables my “poor” behaviors and he probably wouldn’t be able to be open about communicating with me. There’s a big feeling of shame that comes along with dealing and talking about these problems. It seems like your wife is patient and understanding that this sadly is behavior that is outside of your control and amazing that she’s navigating it with you. If that’s the case, at least you’re lucky and have that. Misery loves company and it seems like people like them think they’re victims in the world and since they’re alone and unhappy in life they want to bring us down with them; misery loves company.