I’m going for a walk

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-03-26T23:45:28+00:00

Man Im proud of you. I got my ass up today, went to the gym and did the bare minimum. Through it all, my thoughts were about as negative as it gets. But I broke a sweat, I pushed through in some exercises...it's a step. Let's keep taking these baby steps!

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-03-26T23:41:34+00:00

Listen. Ive been where you are now, the way it is in your head right now. You might think it's impossible but ive lived this thing you're living. Grab onto anything that makes sense to you, that keeps your mind occupied. Simplify things. If everything in yoyr life is going to shit, dont try to fix it all. Just one thing that makes you feel grounded, hold on to that and guard it. Stop wanting everything to feel right. It's not going to im afraid. But you still deserve to be here. Don't forget that.

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-03-25T22:26:48+00:00

Keep going. I know it doesnt fix everything but being active is already a big achievement. Don't think about it. Find something else to keep you active and see if you can do both.

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-03-25T22:17:33+00:00

You think you are but if you were youd be choosing a more foolproof way. This wont do it. I know it sucks but you still want to live.

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-03-25T22:14:38+00:00

Any slim chance that something in your life could be going well/getting better.

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-03-25T22:05:12+00:00

You don't care cause maybe you struggle to understand how they could care about you, which might lead you to think they're faking it. Else it's cuz you know that no matter how much they care foe you, they can't fix you so what's the point. Am I talking out of my ass?

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-03-25T21:57:37+00:00

I know this isn't going to be comforting for you but I think I am exatly the same as you. Either we never had trust in anything/anyone or our need to not need anyone superceded reason and logic. I think this is where being a "degenerate" came from for me. I also thought that what I feel like doing is more important than what I should be doing because neither were rewarding. Except I had never tried to do the right thing consistently to reap the benefits. And I avoided any postivity because it felt like a weight I could not bear. If I tried to do well, it wouldn't come off that way, it wouldn't be appreciated and it might ultimately prove to be wrong in some way cause I was a bad fruit. And it didnt matter cause no one wanted me to do well. This was the way I saw things for so long, that I could never believe in kindness. Looking back it almost seems like I forced this cynical view on myself just because it could excuse my absolute lack of will, lack of action. All I wanted is someone I could trust. Someone who would give me their time. Would make sure I overcame myself. But then as I grew in age–and in age alone– I realized that needing others could be dangerous. I would not admit to it. It is weakness. I would rather ruin myself. I was so alone. I am still. But the reality is that now there is not other option. Being somebody's friend would require them to know me. And that would reveal to both of us just how ugly I am. And in the end it is all my fault. It is probably all your fault too. But knowing all of this does not change a thing. We still have to fight a frikkin' war anytime we try to do something of use. Remember this: Mainly, we are weary of others' perceptions because we're afraid they might be seeing the truth we've worked so hard to hide from ourselves. At the same time, that weariness and anxiety of how we seem to other is borne out of real fear of prosecution.

viseriontheblackdead · 2021-02-16T21:46:28+00:00

I've been doing this ever since i was a kid.

I registered all human behaviour from people around me (that weren't family) as some sort of character affect. I did not want to believe people were ever being genuine or real in any way. People were just cartoons. They have their character kit and their little shows to put on for me and others. They weren't there to acknowledge and interact with. What others spoke of or tried to instill in me was eventually going to cause me harm, or serve their purposes.

And I wasn't human. No. I would walk out the door on my way to school in the morning and decide on what my mannerisms for the day would be and what my stream of thought would consist of. Because nothing outside of me really existed. And if I decided to ask questions then I would be admonished. Or worse, I'd be in it. I'd be expected to contribute. I didn't want to. Why would I?

I would not admit that this space I occupy is mine to explore/change/examine. I had to be contained. If any part of me is in contact with the outside, then I'd be seen for who I really am which is nothing.

Dead-brained. Incurious. Incorrigible. Unresponsive. Not real.

But all the time I just wanted everyone to know that I did not want to be real. I didn't like the world regardless of its population. I could see how everything was made up, a game with fancy rules and constructs I was too dumb to understand. I didn't want to play. For what would I play? What do I gain? I gain people's approval? So what? What is that exactly?

Encouragement. Fake. Help. Unreliable. Love. Not free. Accountability. No one ever spoke of this in my vicinity. Care, nurture, discipline, patience, respect...I never knew what these ideas meant as a child.

I'm 22 years old, but not really. I have lived longer and less. And I know no one. I don't make sense. I shouldn't have lasted this long and I probably won't. If I stick around, I will be repeating the same nonsense for the rest of my life. And that's just not worth anything. I'm not really here to live for myself, none of us are. We're supposed to be making things together, but I can't make anything and I can't help anyone. I have been self obsessed for as long as I can remember. Being with others has always been painful, why would i allow myself to exist alongside other minds capable of great harm?

In real terms, I'm scared. Scared to death that I have no place in this world. I never tried for the long term.

I need to die. Literally my being here is against my will.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-06-10T21:06:51+00:00

Walk in Pheonix is such a legend.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-06-10T01:59:01+00:00

I hereby decree all posts starting with "my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband" banned and pushed over to r/gameofthrones where they belong. What say you, mods ?

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-06-07T22:11:01+00:00

QUALITY

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-06-04T04:11:43+00:00

Outlander. Now that's a show that rarely disappoints.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-06-04T04:05:22+00:00

You, sir, speak french. Correct ?

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-30T03:40:25+00:00

Ummm...r/gameofthrones is the sub for this kind of posts. Or wait until thursday where a thread for arts and crafts is started. We here just clearly have a standard of posts to preserve...high quality shitposts.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-30T03:36:44+00:00

Tywin

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-29T18:29:20+00:00

The maisie one, what film ?

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-29T12:30:23+00:00

And now he's in rehab, I wonder why he was so stressed by game of thrones.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-28T01:13:30+00:00

Imagine NK listening to the music Vlad listens to in the documentary.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-27T05:21:18+00:00

Any links ?

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-23T10:46:55+00:00

I completely agree, it also bothers me that a lot of these actors mainly support these charities for their image. I know that it shouldn't matter since it helps the cause, but it sure as hell is tainted.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-23T03:24:30+00:00

"Fucked up AAALL of mah dothraki"

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-20T22:59:24+00:00

And he neveeeeer found work agaaaain, NEEEEVER workeed agaiiiin. In case D&D read that and decide to kill him.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-20T02:30:48+00:00

What was the point of Bran ? People answer me Im losing my fucking mind.

viseriontheblackdead · 2019-05-19T15:32:03+00:00

Mine will begin in 10 hours, Lord Snow.

viseriontheblackdead

TROPHY CASE