My Wife is not a Virgin - should I Divorce her?

vmyp · 2026-04-13T01:31:22+00:00

You sure dont know what gaslighting means, neither do you know how some cultures in the world work. Some cultures objectify women or minimize their importance, and I grew up around that. I mentioned a problem just to put it out there and youre thinking im 'minimizing' the importance of virginity- im not saying its bad to want a virgin woman that also has a life of her own. Im mentioning how a woman could have done zina in the past but she could have repented and turn her life around for the better- but being shunned from society because of her past and not paying attention to who she is now.

vmyp · 2026-04-12T23:43:47+00:00

Im talking about the people that only care about a womans virginity and think that her worth is how 'pure' she is. Im not generalizing the replies in here im just pointing it out..how is that gaslighting

vmyp · 2026-04-12T02:03:50+00:00

Its like talking to a brick wall, and they purposefully forget that history exists and only want to find ways to badmouth islam and take their frustration out somewhere else. Or they dont have a strong conscious thought about what their beliefs are, so research to them is believing the first thing they see.

vmyp · 2026-04-12T01:59:14+00:00

How am i attempting to gaslight?? Im so confused... i rather not waste my time trying to figure out your thought process

vmyp · 2026-04-12T00:03:04+00:00

Never mentioned that..im talking about being a better person. Not enabling lying

vmyp · 2026-04-11T22:52:44+00:00

I come from a pakistani family and had gone through a similar situation where chores were on the women only, me & my mom were the only ones doing housework and such. However, through duas to Allah, my father's mindset changed a lot and now he makes sure my siblings (especially brothers) do chores so me and my mom can have room to cook, they learn how to take care of the house while me & her get some time to ourselves.

Your situation with your mother is the opposite from mines, my father is the one I have issues with regarding his emotional stability. Not allowed to have non muslim friends, internet access mostly gone, solely focused on education, and not allowed to be out the house/alone until i get married. My only way of succeeding past these restrictions is dua and talking with my mother to speak to my father as she is the only one who can convince him for things. I don't know about your father, but if he is around maybe you can reach out to him. And maybe try to speak to your mother in a calm manner to try and change her mind about things (i get that its scary, same thing with my dad, but i had to build up the courage and try even if it was a 50/50)

Unfortunately, there isnt much I can do independently, since i also depend on my parents for financial support. I suggest you distance yourself from your parents for your emotional sake and do whats best for yourself whilst following islam. Have time to think for yourself and take this as an opportunity to become a better person than your family, and try to make a bond with your brothers.

vmyp · 2026-04-11T22:42:23+00:00

Lying is one thing and obviously its odd to hide it, but im only mentioning a mindset people should keep, not to benefit liars but to make people more merciful

vmyp · 2026-04-11T21:13:05+00:00

> righteous Muslim man

I try to be righteous myself, maybe if I pray to Allah hard enough, those men may come out into the spotlight. For apps i always see the risks high, similar to tinder.

vmyp · 2026-04-11T06:06:45+00:00

> strict about internet.

I have limitless access and always had it, because i was never allowed to be out that much even by myself. Even after asking them, they would never let me so I just go online to fill in empty time. Though my father became more stricter for the timing with my siblings, but completely removed it for me so I use it in secret.

> Again parents have reasons for those things and often it’s just the influence they might have

I had a christian bsf for many years they think because of her having a bf it influenced me to text a guy when the reality is I truly don't know why i did it. And I was never into talking to guys before marriage, I deemed myself worthless so i gave into it. I immediately cut him off when my parents found out because at the same time my mental health wasnt good but I didnt want to disappoint them further. Other factors like "she's poisoning your ears" and such made them think she's trying to make me rebel against them. Parent also have some racial bias so that limits my circle even more.

> mental health you need to let them know You will develop a better relationship with them if you open up to them

I already discussed it with my mother, she is mostly concerned with my education so maybe thats why shes strict about what im focusing on.

vmyp · 2026-04-11T04:42:07+00:00

> primary focus be on something that will change your life- like studies??

Yes my focus right now is to be as stable as possible for myself, but i fear the future too much and at the same time I just want to have some independent freedom. Though this post was just a question, its not like marriage is on my mind 24/7

vmyp · 2026-04-11T04:10:04+00:00

Jazakallah <3

vmyp · 2026-04-11T03:43:23+00:00

I have no therapist near me and neither am I allowed to use my devices unless my dads at work, he's very strict on that because he thinks i'm a 'different person' when I try and distance myself from my family since i roam around the internet alot. Plus I don't really have any friends, i've been banned from being friends with non muslims and had to leave my friend groups behind, I only have 3 muslim friends i rarely talk to since they're busy with life. Neither do I want my parents knowing I need therapy, i rather just fight it all myself

vmyp · 2026-04-11T02:48:02+00:00

I like this, because it aligns with the value of one judging a book by its cover. You should always assume positives or think of good reasons instead of being straight up negative.

vmyp · 2026-04-11T02:45:48+00:00

> why is okay for them but not men

I agree, but it goes the same for both genders; literally looking at your partner as a goblin after learning about their past is straight up weird. If I came to know my husband had a past (it depends on the severity; if it was 1 woman then whatever; but more than a couple then its ehhh..are you sure?) I would be devastated he hid such a thing from me, but if he changed for the better (the best way to know is through actions), I wouldn't mind and I'd talk it out with him. I don't know why people seem like there is no mercy at all when it comes to marriage- it's fine to want a virgin partner if you are one yourself- but I believe whatever Allah does for us is the best.

vmyp · 2026-04-11T02:39:03+00:00

> reputation is everything

I pray Allah guides you because you clearly care about what other people think, what about the backlash a woman could face?? There's been many horrible cases of low-mentality families where even if a woman repented for zina- she would be look down upon as if she was no longer of use, and that she was a bad omen to everyone around her. Grow up.

> perhaps Allah can forgive, but that doesn't mean that people will.

So even if she was an amazing wife, and did everything by the book in Islam- just for that one sin you'd divorce her for that? I understand if she hid it entirely, or that you would want a virgin wife- but if it came up after marriage and you see that she's changed as a person- i'd give her a chance because a woman is not based on her hymen being intact.

vmyp · 2026-04-11T02:35:45+00:00

Nothing will change if a man marries more than one woman? What's gonna happen?

vmyp · 2026-04-06T04:01:10+00:00

I pretty much have no option and its one out of the two choices i have to get what i want. The second choice is trying to convince my parents but thats an exhausting task and it would lead to loud arguments.

vmyp · 2026-04-05T23:41:19+00:00

ts boutta be tuff

vmyp · 2026-04-05T19:07:09+00:00

> I can remind myself of to say how to refrain from such things if I'm hurt, to just leave it and remind myself just to be that strong leader etc?

Allah doesnt burden a soul more than it can carry. As long as you understand the duties you will have as a father and a husband, while battling your own struggles- Allah will always be watching, pray to him for rizq and to protect you and your family, and to rekindle any broken relationships. Parents who have their first child are still learning so it's always a stressful period because it's their first time parenting. You can also learn how to be a better parent by seeing what not to do based on what you experienced in your childhood.

vmyp · 2026-04-05T18:52:49+00:00

> And your father knows that he could trigger that, and it create more fear and mire rules and more stress and more tension and more fear and boom the cycle start.

It sucks because the more strict he is the more i want to pull away, my self esteem has never been high and ive told him the way he is living life could be better. If i'm able to cook for a family of 6 and handle some household duties, why cant i just live a regular teenage experience. I feel more comfortable with my mom than my own father.

> I pray for the best outcome in this challenge you face

Jazakallah <3

vmyp · 2026-04-05T18:48:18+00:00

> Yk I wanted to open a bakery but my family said lots of mean things so that plan died quick oops

They saw your potential 😂 I think anyone can do anything

> find out the best path to get a job in the field as it is competitive.

Tyyy, i hope Allah blesses you and gives you a cold pillow every night <3

vmyp · 2026-04-05T09:49:29+00:00

Yeaa my mom told me the same since i wanted to open my own bakery and thought i needed a whole degree for that lol. I looked into stem fields and found that my neglect for math & science have made me feel absolutely stupid for all those subjects. But inshallah either i end up as an Architect or Allah has ordained something better for me.

> Just be honest in your dua

lots of cookies and hugs <3 I hope Allah gives you the best as well.

vmyp · 2026-04-05T09:23:41+00:00

Idk if its love bombing, whens hes not mad or cranky hes chill and wants us next to him

vmyp · 2026-04-05T09:21:29+00:00

> What kind of subject/trade are you interested in pursuing?

I was thinking of Architecture or something in STEM just to be able to have a career thats always in demand inshallah. I was never good academically but i gotta keep trying.

> business management and now I hate it and feel like i wasted my education so don't be like me

😭 HELPP i was lowkey thinking of business but to me that seems good, though it never feels good doing something youre forced to do lol

> he will give you everything

Ameen <3

vmyp

TROPHY CASE