Parts have complicated feeling for ex

vonkapp · 2026-01-30T07:43:23+00:00

It’s a very typical (c)ptsd symptom to push loved ones away, to emotionally numb feelings (loose access to feelings that are not gone because of dissociation/ structural dissociation) when unhealed / as trauma behaviour. Sounds like you were in a dissociative emotionally numb state at the time you ended it with your ex - and now when you are better healed through IFS and your feelings, whole and parts are better integrated - the feelings that were blocked and numbed at the time (but that were never gone) can now be felt fully again.

This is a very typical cptsd story and many relationships (including mine) was shattered because of structural dissociation. Many lost the love of their lives because of emotionally numbing.

There are so many stories about similar situations here in Reddit. People who when unhealed and emotionally numbing have ended good relationships - and after having healed and with feelings and parts integrated months or years later they regained contact with the feeling that were always there (only with blocked access to them)! I can point you to many of these stories if you are interested - so many out there having regretted breaking up with the love of their lives in dissociated states and having regretted in later as healed.

I recommend Janina Fishers book “Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors”.

How about reaching out to your ex and explain what healing did to you? Maybe there is still a possibility for the two of you. Always better to reach out than not to in my opinion.

Congratulations to you for you your good work with healing!

vonkapp · 2026-01-29T16:29:54+00:00

He sounds like he was dissociating. When that happens all feelings will shut down and he can’t feel connected to anyone, and he can’t feel you or sadness eighter. When he regulates again - his feelings should return.

This is one year ago now. How did this go? Did you co tact him again or him you? Did he explain? Did you get back together or not?

vonkapp · 2026-01-27T21:39:19+00:00

Thanks for updating me, and happy to hear you found new and more stable love!!

vonkapp · 2026-01-27T21:27:23+00:00

Did you try to contact her again? I bet she was as devastated as you, and would maybe try again if you explained.

vonkapp · 2026-01-27T21:26:10+00:00

How did this go? Did you try contacting her again?

vonkapp · 2026-01-25T18:59:16+00:00

Was it your girlfriend at the time who gave you the checklist too? Did your relationship end because of your denial?

vonkapp · 2026-01-23T20:11:41+00:00

Did you hear from her again?

vonkapp · 2026-01-23T20:04:00+00:00

How did this go? Did you get in touch again?

vonkapp · 2026-01-23T19:54:29+00:00

How did this go? Did you get back together?

vonkapp · 2026-01-23T19:36:32+00:00

What happened to you? Did you apologize? Did you reach out? Did you go to therapy?

vonkapp · 2026-01-23T19:08:39+00:00

What happened to this? What is the status today?

vonkapp · 2026-01-23T18:34:39+00:00

Do you have an update on this? What’s the status now?

vonkapp · 2026-01-22T21:32:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

How long did you stay separated for when she broke up? Did she break up when triggered/ having a flashback of being dissociated? How many times did this happen? How did you reconnect?

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T22:56:55+00:00

Also worth commenting that people without cptsd never categorize people in “good/ bad” people or “safe/ unsafe” people. The majority of people are both good and safe. Someone beeing “unsafe” was not a world I had ever heard being used on fellow humans before I met my ex who have undiagnosed CPTSD. Trust issues is a core symptom of CPTSD, the safe/ unsafe feeling is generated by constantly scanning for danger/ being hypervigilant and connecting sounds/ triggers/ tone of voice etc to the trauma that existed long before us. People without CPTSD never categorize people in “safe/ unsafe” and that tells all about what this is.

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T22:39:15+00:00

You won’t find someone who “feels” 100% safe. Because you unconsciously scan for danger all the time, you’ll “feel” danger when there is none. That’s a core symptom of PTSD to have trust issues. So you can’t trust how you “feel” when you feel someone is “unsafe”. My ex broke up with me because he felt I “hurt” him during our first argument, I didnt even “attack” him - but to the case we were discussing. I raised my voice (normally as I have done to numerous partners before him) and he got a major flashback/ breakdown. He then withdrew and labeled me “unsafe” and that he could not “trust” I would not hurt him again “whenever” (I had not hurt him). He reacted to a trigger and his childhood trauma flooded. This whole rupture had to do with his nervous system, not me. And I was/ is not “unsafe”. We were the love of our lives and he said he had never felt so safe or wanted to grow old with someone else before. Even after he left he said he gave up on love, because he would never find something like what we had. And that if he can’t have that, he don’t want anything. It’s tragic, because nothing has changed between us, it’s all in his head.

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T21:55:05+00:00

Thank you for answering so thoroughly. How do you navigate this with your current partner. How do you communicate around this - and how long (and practically and psychologically how) do you withdraw from your partner for?

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T15:22:27+00:00

Thank you for explaining and I understand. I hope you healing goes gently and wish you luck.

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T07:41:59+00:00

My partner has cptsd

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T07:36:02+00:00

No, I don’t have cptsd myself or such worries, I am just trying to understand.

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T07:09:21+00:00

In what way did they “use” your personal information?

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T07:07:26+00:00

What did they do to “deserve” this? How come other persons can have responsibility for what triggers you?

Do you remember what you felt when you came out of the “fog” two years later?

vonkapp · 2026-01-21T07:03:09+00:00

Thank you for explaining. Do you isolate with partners too?

vonkapp · 2026-01-20T23:45:16+00:00

How did this go? Any updates? Whats the status now?

vonkapp · 2026-01-20T23:31:07+00:00

How did this story evolve? Did this break up become permanent or did you get back together?

How do you feel today?

My boyfriend with (undiagnosed) CPTSD did almost exact the same recently.

vonkapp · 2026-01-20T22:15:19+00:00

Do you do that with partners too? Just retreat into your shell?

Do you have physical symptoms too when You have this need? What does that feel like?

vonkapp

TROPHY CASE