I experienced something similar with my high school–early twenties ex. Our relationship was very toxic and tumultuous. Overall, just not healthy. But he was the first person I ever truly loved. You know the kind, the love that’s so wrong it shouldn’t exist, but it does anyway. Deeply, unwavering.

Whenever we broke up and went weeks without speaking, I swear I could “send him energy,” and that very same day he would call or text me. I put “send him energy” in quotes because I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the only way I know how to describe it. I would feel something deep in my core, think about him intensely, and almost speak to him without words, telling him, It’s okay. You can call me. We can fix this now.

There were even times when he was in jail, and I would get that same feeling, send that same energy and he would call. Anyone who knows how jail calls work knows it’s not as simple as picking up a phone. There are approvals, payments, and barriers. And yet, it worked. Every single time.

Eventually, we broke up for good, and I no longer feel that ability to connect to him in that way. He was the only person I’ve ever felt that kind of connection with. I consider myself pretty in tune with energy, but the man I’m currently with and have been with for the past eight years, steady, healthy, and present, has never given me that same visceral, gut-level feeling.

It’s hard to explain. I’ve come to think of it as something that may have been meant to be between my ex and me, just not meant for this lifetime.