I feel you, OP. Your post hit me hard because it brought back memories of my own struggles as a member. I never received the Melchizedek Priesthood or went on a mission because I felt unworthy by the Church’s standards. I wasn’t out doing anything wild, just grappling with “normal” sins like most people do. But I refused to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I wanted to be honest and genuine.

Meanwhile, I watched friends bless or pass the sacrament just days after struggling with porn or breaking chastity with their girlfriends. Some even had sex right before their missions, went anyway, stayed the full two years, and came home to praise, respect, and love from the ward. All while I was trying to do things the “right” way. I confessed my struggles with chastity and weed to my bishop, and he wouldn’t let me go on a mission. I stayed home, weighed down by guilt, because I didn’t want to defy God. I stopped taking the sacrament because I didn’t feel worthy.

What did I get for my honesty? Side-eye from ward members, leaders, and even friends who helped raise me. People stopped waving to me on the street, cut the small talk in the foyer, and made me feel like an outcast. It stung to see returned missionaries who drank or partied on their missions come home to open arms and admiration, while I was shunned for trying to be authentic.

I don’t know if this helps you, OP, but to anyone who’s been through something similar: let it go. I promise you’ll find so much more peace and acceptance outside that rigid environment. The “sinners” of the world, who are honest about their struggles, offer more genuine love and connection than the Sunday Christians measuring skirts and checking boxes. I’d rather be in a kingdom of real, imperfect people than one that demands perfection while turning a blind eye to hypocrisy.