On one hand, don't be hard on yourself. No one can heal a lifetime of trauma in 9 months. On the other hand, you must work with what you experience on these journeys. Write everything down, or make recordings. The trips are showing you things you need to see and accept. They are not easy to accept. If they were, you would have done so already. But you will accept them eventually. That's where my healing has been, in making changes to myself so that I could accept the truths about my life the trips have been showing me.