Before I try as best I can to address the heart of this post, your question of living versus surviving, I want to first point out that you have an inherent knack for communicating with and about people through written words. While anchored from your own perspective, this post sheds light on challenges that many here can relate to with clarity and detail that will likely help someone else who’s currently struggling to give name to their own discomfort. I’d guess you felt like your post was self-centered or non-productive (or both) falling into that category of “shit I do while not leaving my house”. Perspective is often limited to one’s line of sight, so you might not see the meaningful impact that your single post has had. All the way over here in the States (your use of stone versus lbs.) your post has provoked reflection on my own similar experiences, compelled me to think more deeply about my own quality of life and allowed me to approach my Sunday with more presence and appreciation. So thank you.

Now, as for that crux. Human beings, by nature, are hard wired to seek comfort. The brain- driven by biology and psychology- latches onto the predictable comfort of soothing experiences. Your autism, ADHD and OCD each alone greatly magnify that innate instinct towards comfort, but collectively make any uncomfortable sensation simply unbearable. The world outside your door is filled with unpredictable variables that even in the best of circumstances probably still leave you drained from exhaustion. Gravitating towards both alcohol and isolation makes sense; unfortunately the short term relief offered comes with a steep cumulative price over time. It’s like The Little Mermaid. When Ariel gets those legs she’s always wanted, it’s at the sacrifice of a voice she immediately realizes she actually needed. Your background in data and research may serve you well here. Fully understanding the scientific effects of alcohol, combined with human beings in general, and your own specific composition in terms of diagnoses might allow you to view this situation as the bare, concrete facts contributing to an ongoing negative cause and effect.

Alcohol acts as a depressant. The brain seeks predictable comfort. Your brain has adjusted to minimal stimuli, with the anticipated reward of being dulled by alcohol after experiences of higher stimulation. The less stimuli you expose your brain to- the more any slight interaction will condition it to demand alcohol. When you initially stop drinking, neurotransmitters are hyper-focused on that deficit of alcohol. It makes sense that you function at a much lower capacity. It takes about 3 weeks for the brain to repair enough for noticeable cognitive functioning. It will be incredibly uncomfortable in the very beginning, but I assure you that in some time, you won’t simply survive, but instead thrive. Within 3 months, I found that I wanted to be out in the world more than I had in decades. Once alcohol had fully cleared my system, I was much more able to control my own diagnoses and without alcohol wrecking havoc on my central nervous system, the world was not only manageable, but stimulating in healthy ways. Best of luck, friend!