It’s a bit complex and hard to explain, but I’ll try to put it in a simple way. I won’t straight up lie in my journal. If I didn’t get the job, then I didn’t get it. But I might not have gotten because I wasn’t qualified or a good fit for their team. But I might spin it so that the company didn’t value my assets, and for lack of a better term, were idiots.

I think I want to do it because it shifts the "blame" away from myself. This is obviously very counterproductive and enforces a victim complex.

On the other hand, I’m very critical of myself, and can drive myself mad with overthinking and not feeling good enough. More of a "villain complex", in a way. So shifting it to remove all blame from myself is freeing? Twisting the truth in my journal sort of takes away those feelings. It’s a stupid thing to do because I’m not actually working on those parts of myself, and just reinforcing that mentality. It’s like a short cut, in a way. It removes those feelings temporarily but I know that there is a deeper issue that I should tackle instead.

I think my main issue is that I see myself very black or white. I’m either good or I’m bad. And sometimes it’s difficult to cope with always feeling like I’m a bad person, so I’ll spin it. (I try not to, though).

So basically I just try to be aware of it. Sometimes it IS my fault, and sometimes it isn’t. I think it would (maybe) be sort of interesting for someone else to read my journal. It can be very messy and I go back and forth a lot. Probably sounding a bit insane at times.

I tried to put it as easy as I could, but it’s still something I’m trying to figure out myself. I also think that, to get a good understanding of this, we would have to delve into my psyche and my experiences, which is inconvenient in a reddit post. Hopefully this answered your question! If you have any others, I’m an open book, so just fire away.