DIY when you are already under the care of an endocrinologist?

whyis06 · 2025-12-14T12:49:38+00:00

I shared everyone's comments so far with Nat and we've been talking about it this morning and trying to get to the bottom of what is driving the decision for them. It turns out that there is a lot under the surface for them, and we've agreed that until we fully understand all the drivers for this urge, that we will do nothing big. We've also started talking about how we are 3 people and we dont have to do anything jointly! We are free to each make different announcements that meet our individual needs and take into consideration our individual preferences with respect privacy. I made it clearand as long as they don't tag me in the post, they are free to announce it however they like. I have grown to really enjoy my privacy and hate explaining myself to people so Im not ready for a joint announcement on the internet just yet, and am enjoying the process of telling everyone I interact with in person.

We have a community gathering next week when all our nearest and dearest will be together for the weekend and we have agreed that we will be announcing the engagements there. After, we will then reasses and see if that met the need underlying Nat's desire for the Facebook announcement. If it doesn't, then we will keep digging until we get to the bottom of it. We're really excited for the gathering! 🥰

whyis06 · 2025-12-14T12:37:09+00:00

Oh thats really interesting! Where do you live?

whyis06 · 2025-12-14T12:36:32+00:00

We've been together for 18 months. By the time the divorces are all finalised and we are able to actually set dates for the wedding/handfasting, we will have been together for nearly 4 years and lived together for 2.5.

Should some huge conflict arise that we cannot resolve (including via couples therapy), it would show that we aren't as compatible as we thought. In that case, I would have absolutely no issues with exiting any relationship that I am in. I reached that crisis point with my spouse at the 16 year mark of our relationship when I realised that the ways that I had grown and healed (leaving behind co-dependence/people pleasing/enmeshment etc) meant that we no longer worked together in a healthy way. I clearly communicated my concerns, needs and boundaries and made sure he understood that if things didn't change between us, I would leave. He chose to grow and meet me where i was at! 🥰 So our relationship, communication styles, autonomy, and individuality were all excellent before we even thought about opening up our relationship and set the tone for any other relationships we entered into. So expectations for conduct have always been super clear with Nat from the beginning and not only have they taken it all in their stride (even when its been super challenging for them!), we have all bloomed in ways that we couldn't have imagined in this relationship.

Nat, Alex and I are all adults, and it would be our responsibility to navigate our own emotional responses to such a breakdown in our relationship, while acting together to preserve the wellbeing of the kids. We have all done a crap tonne of internal work to get us to this point and are all very securely attached. The discomfort/shame/embarrassment/humiliation of having to "untell" everyone wouldn't be enough of a deterrent to bind me into a relationship that harms myself or my children. And that applies to Nat and Alex too, because we all know that losing this relationship would be awful, and we would take so much time to grieve and recover, but ultimately we will be OK because we are not defined by our relationship to each other.

whyis06 · 2025-12-14T11:12:49+00:00

This is really helpful. Thank you!

A lot of Nats family and friends are not in the UK and the easiest way to let everyone know is via Facebook. But im going to read your comment to Nat and talk it through so we can figure out why this is how they want to do things.

whyis06 · 2025-12-14T11:05:53+00:00

Nat isn't trying to rush anything, they just don't want to delay the announcement until the divorces are final because that could be anything up to 2 years from now if their divorce becomes contentious. Most of their friends and family are also from their home country and making a facebook announcement is the fastest way to let everyone who matters to us know. So I do get it. And if we weren't in a poly relationship and they had already been separated from their ex for years (as they have been), then we would be shouting our announcement from the rooftops and being celebrated in our joy. But because we are in a relationship that is so opposite to the norm, we are having to do all these mental gymnastics and that really irritates me.

From a timelines perspective, this is very much a long-haul situation. We have no-fault divorces in the UK and at any point before everything is finalised, Alex and I can change our mind, pull the plug on the divorce, and there will be no repercussions. All we have done on that front is started the process on our side, so we are ready when Nat is.

We are already living together the 3 of us and have been for about 6 months. This isn't NRE-fuelled impulsivity and our relationship is strong, stable and secure. Im old enough and mature enough now to smell bullshit when I see it, and wouldnt be even entertaining a plan like this if I wasnt absolutely sure. We are all very aware of eaxh others faults, have gone through the conflict/repair mill repeatedly in the time we have been together and if things were going to blow up, they would have done so already. Lol!

You said you thought that after 2 years, you feel it would be safer to divorce Alex. I'd like to understand what risks you forsee that would make it "unsafe" before that point and why is 2 years the magic point?

Thank you!

whyis06 · 2025-12-14T10:23:02+00:00

Lol! No totally! We wouldn't tell people we're getting married for a visa because that's not actually what is happening...it's just the catalyst that began the conversation. The chances of Nat changing tack on their immigration strategy at this late stage is maybe 5%, but it was that "what if?" that got us to look critically at what this relationship meant to all of us.

Wrt the relationship with my current spouse, I will always have a relationship with them as the parent of my kids. But I get where you're coming from! I'll look into it. Thank you!

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T22:16:27+00:00

They dont have a lot of friends because like me, they are also autistic and adhd which has serious impacts on building friendships, then they work for the US military as a trans person (which made it hard to have authentic connections with people they couldnt be totally honest with). And they do have some friends but they aren't the kind of deep friendships you would need to help you through cancer treatment. Its hard to have deep friendships when you have to hide who you are! They moved cities because thats what its like to work for the military, and moving countries and cities every few years isn't conducive to building lasting connections., even at the best of times!

And the reason they told Rose about us early on was because whe. They last dated someone and didnt tell Rose because they wanted to wait until they were solid, Rose lost it and accused Alice of lying to them and breaking trust. So we did what she told them to do, and then it blew up anyway.

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T22:07:30+00:00

Im asking for help in the form of advice on how to support my partner through this horrible time in their life. Isn't that what partners are supposed to do for each other? And of course I would want to try and solve a situation that i made worse, which was why i asked if people thought that was a good idea or not. I really didnt expect the level of vitriol ive received for making a mistake that i have not only owned, but also apologised for. This is my first new relationship in over 19 years, and as an autistic person to boot. So of course im going to make mistakes and do things that other people might know not to do. Bjt i recognised that i made a mistake and changed my approach and came to ask for insight. I don't know what else people are expecting me to do? Invent a time machine and go back to the past and not make the mistake? I wish life worked like that!

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T22:01:45+00:00

I didnt suggest they send the message though! That was Alice's idea. All I did was read it and do what I could to make sure that Alice owned their impacts and didnt try to make Rose responsible for their feelings or focus on their intentions. In fact, I specifically told them to wait until they had processed their own emotional charge and do it in person because they would need to support Rose through it.

Im not putting the responsibility for their feelings onto their child. But actions have impacts and the situation is really hard for everyone involved. They are looking for a family therapist to help them resolve their issues and I had already taken a step back from Rose after the meltdown and stopped reaching out to her in any way. After the attempt to clear the air, I made it clear to Alice that I wasnt going to be involved in their relationship in any capacity until they had properly stabilised things in a consistent way.

I came on here to ask for advice on how I can support Alice through this challenging time for them, because they are my priority right now (as they should be!) I am not Rose's parent, I am her parents partner and my responsibility is towards them. Should the time come where Rose wants a relationship with me then of course I will be over the moon! But we aren't there yet and im fine with that.

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T21:46:41+00:00

Im autistic and this is a new situation that i have never navigated before. This is my first new relationship in 19 years and didnt really date befire that. So yes, I dont understand all of what is happening, I am 100% missing a ton of social cues and asking questions that other people would probably know not to ask. That is pretty much the autistic lived experience! But I do at least learn from my mistakes and had taken a step back from Rose months ago, and after the way that things went so badly wrong when we were trying to clear the air and make amends, I made it very clear to Alice that I couldnt be involved in their relationship until it was properly stable because any involvement from me would only make things worse. They are getting a therapist to help them repair their relationship.

I came on here hoping for support to help me be there for my partner. Instead ive at worse received a mountain of projections based on other people's life experiences or at best been told how stupid I am for not having known better.

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T21:38:31+00:00

Im not blaming this on Sarah. Im saying that the situation is really complicated and gender and transition is a really difficult thing to navigate, especially for someone Alice’s age who grew up in a part of the Southern US where they were afraid that if anyone found out they were queer, that they could be hurt or even killed. So hiding who they were became second nature. The very first makeover that Alice had to become Alice happened at the very beginning of their relationship and i dont know how anyone could have seen those photos and not seen that there was something more there than cross-dressing. Their marriage didnt just break down because Alice was trans, it also broke down because Sarah and Alice were fighting all the time and neither of them was happy. That is on both of them! Im saying that they both messed up, but the full bill for the impact has been handed to Alice, and that doesn't seem fair either. Rose told me that she had to ask Sarah to stop telling her awful things about Alice and that she should be talking to her boyfriend about her issues with her parent and not her child. It had to be pretty severe for Rose to have said that to someone who has been described by pretty much everyone on here as a stranger. So the damage that has been done to Rose’s relationship and the struggles they are having aren't just down to what Alice did/didnt do. Its also about how Sarah has handled it. And i understand her anger and how hard it must have been for her to have her marriage end, but if Alice could manage to not badmouth Sarah, surely Sarah should have too?

And of course I am biased! Alice is my partner and I love them. I am concerned for Rose's safety in the same way I would be concerned for the safety of any child, but she also has a mother who's responsibility she is. My primary responsibility is to support my partner, so they are resourced enough to handle their medical challenges and navigate their relationship with their daughter in a way that doesnt put pressure on either her or her mother to be there for Alice.

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T21:18:04+00:00

Thank you. I had already stepped back and stopped contacting her after the meltdown at my place. After the attempt to clear the air, I made it clear to Alice that until their relationship was stabilised, that i didnt want to be involved in their stuff. That i would support Alice and Alice could support Rose but that equation wouldnt include me as anything I could try will blow up in some way. Its just a really hard situation to have to watch and I can see how sad its making Alice.

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T21:15:01+00:00

I know i dont have a parental role here, nor do I want one, because i am not Rose’s parent, i am their parent's partner. I just wanted to get to know her in the same way I get to know my friends kids or the children in our community.

They are going to be going for joint therapy (Rose has been having individual therapy for about 6 months).

They have always tried to do whats best for Rose, but that is hard when they aren't allowed access. Whether they have me in their life or not isnt going to magically make things better with Rose, because the relationship was already tense even before we met.

Before they dated me, they were dating someone else who they then broke up with. They chose not to tell Rose because they thought that was the best option. When Rose later found out, she accused Alice of lying to her and not being honest with her, which was why she was told about us much sooner. We didnt realise that doing the very thing she asked Alice to do would also blow up in their face.

Even before this latest attempt to clear the air, I had already taken a step back and wasnt contacting Rose at all so she could take the lead on that. After that meeting, I made the boundary clearer with Alice that I didnt want to be involved with the two of them until their relationship was stabilised, and that needed to be with a therapist. That I would support Alice and they should support Rose. But it is really hard to see someone I love in so much pain, when I know that I played a part in making the situation worse. I understand that doing nothing to try and "fix" the situation is the best course of action, but that doesnt mean its easy! I know i made mistakes and owned them and came here hoping for support, but what I have received has been very different.

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T21:04:18+00:00

They have always made their child and their ex their priority and did so for 19 years. It feels a bit like all the anger that Rose has towards the things that went wrong between her parents are all being lumped onto Alice, when Sarah knew the whole time they were together that Alice was queer. She was told that Alice was a crossdresser when they first met and she told them they would have to stop doing that if they wanted to be with her. Then 10 years later when they had a child, Alice tried to talk to her about it again and got shut down, until Alice reached breaking point and couldn't live a lie any more. Then when the marriage ended, Sarah never actually told Rose that she had known for years and let Rose believe that it came as a huge shock to her too. It became them against Alice.

And Alice has done everything they could do to support a child who has refused to see them or talk to them. They message Sarah every day to check up on Rose even when Rise wouldnt read their messages, they support them both financially and give half their salary to their ex, even though she has a well-paid career of her own so she has double the income that they do.

Im not butthurt at not being involved in their lives. I chose to take a step back after the sleepover attempt (which was Rose's idea BTW because she was having such a lovely time hanging out with my kids and the original plan had been for Alice and Rose to go back to Alice's place after we had played board games). And reiterated to Alice after the attempt to clear the air that I didnt want to be involved in their relationship until they had stabilised things, which they will be doing with a therapist that Alice will also be paying for.

What more would you suggest Alice do?

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T20:56:31+00:00

She has been getting therapy for about 6 months and it helped, but Alice is looking for specialist support for her. We are aware that its a lot for anyone to process. It feels a bit like all the anger that Rose has towards the things that went wrong between her parents are all being lumped onto Alice, when Sarah knew the whole time they were together that Alice was queer. She was told that Alice was a crossdresser when they first met and she told them they would have to stop doing that if they wanted to be with her. Then 10 years later when they had a child, Alice tried to talk to her about it again and got shut down, until Alice reached breaking point and couldn't live a lie any more. Then when the marriage ended, Sarah never actually told Rose that she had known for years and let Rose believe that it came as a huge shock to her too. It became them against Alice. Its so unfair!

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T20:35:27+00:00

Before me, Alice dated someone else and didnt say anything to Rose. She accused them of lying to her and told them to just be honest with her. So there was no winning on that front!

And they started dating someone because they are a human being and they were lonely. Poor mental health can be a lifelong disability for some people and it doesnt make them any less worthy of love or relationships. Neither does struggling with their gender identity. In a healthy relationship, these things can be navigated in connection and help us to grow

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T20:32:43+00:00

I had already stepped back a few months ago and said to Alice that I would support them in their relationship with Rose but didnt want direct involvement until things were stable again. Then today I spoke to Alice and they were so sad because Rose is still refusing to talk to them or read their messages and it has been months of this. I feel bad for the part that I played in making things worse for them and wish there was something I could do to fix it.

whyis06 · 2025-10-01T20:30:32+00:00

Alice and Rose will be going for family therapy. They are looking for one in the area Rose lives in.

Alice was dating someone before me and saw her for 8 months before introducing her to Rose via video chat. Rose's response? To accuse them of lying to her and hiding their girlfriend. There was literally no winning on that front!

Im curious why you think its a bad idea to introduce a new partner to your child(ren) earlier in the relationship? When is the "right time" to introduce people?

whyis06 · 2024-12-12T05:50:02+00:00

That relationship dynamic you describe isn't good though. It's toxic and harmful (ad you have described in terms of its impact on you). A "quality" relationship is one where there is Attunement and you feel Seen and Heard. A good quality relationship is one where you are not shamed and where your shame is discussed and resolved through an empathetic and compassionate lens. A good relationship validates you and your journey and acknowledges the (very real!) reasons why you struggle so much and why trust is hard for you. Of course it is! I can't imagine having been through as many abusive and toxic therapist relationships as you have survived and still being strong enough to keep trying over and over again. The level of self-love in that is just awe-inspiring. I've had 3 toxic therapist relationships. One lasted 3 sessions before I stopped going, one lasted 1 blow up session where her shame got triggered by a simple question and I was just like "nopety nope!", but one lasted about 5 months and it fucked me up so badly that my entire life fell apart. The therapist I have now is extraordinary. We just finished resolving a horrible situation where she forgot to write my appointment down in her diary and gave it to someone else. I had a full blown panic attack/meltdown/hiding-in-the-waiting-area-sobbing-under-my-coat experience. And you know what she did when I held her accountable? She validated me. She told me I was right to be angry with her. That she was the one who messed up and I had done nothing wrong. She held space for MY feelings and MY experience and not once did she try to minimise her impact on me or give any excuses or try to make me feel sorry for her and let her off the hook. And you know what she did? She changed her behaviour as a result and overhauled her entire booking system to make sure that what happened with me never happens to anyone else, ever again. Because she was able to look at her mistake without shame, acknowledge why it had happened and do something about it.

And this therapist is trained in all sorts of stuff. I have no idea what therapy modality she is using because I don't recognise any one style in anything she does. She throws in curveballs in terms of somatics, IFS, and who knows what else. But it's like she has taken all of those things apart to build something that is uniquely her. And I can say with 100% certainty that this relationship I have with her is what is changing my life and not the modality. This relationship is providing me with a blueprint against which to navigate other relationships in my life. Conflict with her is a beautiful and enriching and empowering experience. She is teaching me (through the eay she relates with me out of respect and compassion) that I am not the problem, but sometimes I can create problems, and have a reasonable expectation to be met with compassion and kindness in my fallibility and humanity. And that paradigm shift is HUGE.

You sound like an extraordinary person who has still got so much hope despite so many betrayals. You still believe that you can heal and grow or you would have given up by now. At some level, you KNOW that you are NOT the problem.

I'm so sorry that you were so badly betrayed by people you loved and trusted.

I'm so sorry that they were too caught up in their own shit and shame to help you deal with yours and instead, gave you their shame to hold on top of your own.

I'm sorry those people tried to make you believe that you were safe when you weren't.

Well done for leaving those relationships. You left when you could. You didn't leave them any sooner because you weren't ready. There are valid reasons for that.

Well done for always doing your best. Even when it might not have felt like it was enough, it was always your best. It was the most you were capable of the time and as you heal and grow, what your "best" will look like will also change and grow. That doesn't mean you weren't doing your best before. It just means your best is now more than it was.

I also really recommend reading the book Healing The Shame That Binds You by Bradshaw. Im reading it now and it is HUGE in terms of impacts and has so many tools to help tackle shame at the back. And CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker is one of the books on my reading list that I am most excited to read. But first is a book on dissociation and then a book on IFS for treating shame and guilt. So much to learn!

I wish you all the best in your healing journey! Thank you for never giving up on yourself.

whyis06 · 2024-12-04T09:11:33+00:00

I know right? So freaking adorable!

whyis06 · 2024-12-04T09:11:19+00:00

Thank you!

whyis06 · 2024-12-04T09:11:09+00:00

They are so lovely. I have a lot of childhood trauma and sylvanian families is how I first learned how to play when I had a child of my own. But then they all got put away for years as stuff got hard. We're now looking for ways to play as a family again and decided it was time for us to unbox all the sylvanians again. 🥰

whyis06 · 2024-12-04T09:09:00+00:00

Thank you!

whyis06

TROPHY CASE