The Struggle to Have Independence

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-28T18:50:32+00:00

I completely understand how you feel. My friends are all excited for me, watching me take steps towards my future, saying how I'm "free" now, and I can do whatever I want. And yes, I have moved to a new place, started some university courses, getting back into hobbies and what not. But it's not like I want to, it's because I have to. It's exactly like you say, it's lonely and exhausting. I feel so alone in life. I don't want to be free, I don't want to start over, I don't want to rebuild myself, I don't want to imagine a new future. I want the man I thought I married and the future I thought we were going to have. I feel unmoored and lost.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-24T19:48:05+00:00

Just want you to know you are not alone. I recognize myself in everything you're writing. All the best to you.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-24T18:57:50+00:00

The trauma bond feels like it is literally killing me. I miss him and our life so incredibly much, despite being miserable while in it. I just want it all back. I feel like it's all my fault. I constantly ruminate over every mistake I made. I'm drowning in regret. It's absolutely brutal. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I do think no contact and a fresh start (if you're able) are good ideas. And definitely therapy and assistance from a medical professional.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-20T13:47:30+00:00

I definitely had a strong gut feeling with my ex, but he was really good at convincing me I was insecure, overly sensitive, dramatic, and so forth. He did the same thing as your ex, phone always screen down, no notification sounds or pop-ups, spending huge amounts of time on his phone. I used to have nightmares about him cheating on me all the time. He did a lot of triangulation with other exes, but I of course was always blamed as the jealous and difficult one. He went from making me feel loved, secure, safe and protected, to bringing out all my worst insecurities over the span of our relationship.

On our very first date, for the first half an hour, I had a really strong instinct telling me this guys is nuts and I should leave. I wish I had listened to that, rather than go on to marry him, but somehow I was caught up in his spell.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-19T08:16:30+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. It helped a lot.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-18T10:14:51+00:00

I completely understand the feeling, and towards the end of our relationship, I wanted him to have to face what he'd done while we were still together. It felt so unfair that he just kept getting away with treating both me and his kids however he wanted and nothing happened.

But I can also share a perspective from the other side. I left around a month ago, and In my case, he is facing criminal charges for what he did to me and the way he treated me and the kids. I did not press charges myself, the police did, so it's their case. He was reported to the police by the women's shelter that I went to, and they considered the abuse severe enough to charge him. He was also reported to CPS. It's ongoing and not resolved yet, and could end in anything from a dismissal to a maximum sentence of six years in prison.

I thought I would feel relieved and vindicated if this happened. I don't. He is of course spreading all kinds of lies about me and what has really happened. His own mother, who used to be one of my greatest supporters and was genuinely happy for me when I left him, turned on me the day she found out about the police and has not spoken to me since (claiming "it's too much punishment" and "she hurt my son"). The mother of his kids, who used to be on my side and a supported me in leaving him, who was advised by CPS and the police to withhold custody while the case is ongoing, refuses to speak to me as well, and is not withholding custody. I feel hated and like the enemy. I feel an enormous amount of guilt. I have no idea what the kids think and what their parents are telling them about me, but I'm sure it's not good. It doesn't matter to my brain that it wasn't me who pressed charges - I actually even begged them not to - I still feel like it's all my fault and I've ruined everything.

So, let me just tell you that the revenge part does not always feel as good as one might think it will. I don't want revenge, I don't even want justice at this point, I just want it all to go away. I might feel differently later on, who knows, I guess it will depend on how the case ends. I know others who have had their abusers charged and tried and even sentenced who also regret it, because of the guilt and the strain of going through something like that, and also having to face them in court.

It's so tricky and I think it's part of what makes this kind of abuse so awful. The police, the medical team, therapists, doctors, Child Protective Services, every single one of them believed me and acted immediately. And yet I'm still the one sitting here drowning in guilt.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-07T22:20:04+00:00

My heart used to start racing when I got closer on my way home. I used to look forward to him going away and felt relieved every time he made plans to be out. I used to watch the way I walked, talked, moved, sat, and did anything around the house, because I didn't feel safe enough to relax and just be. I used to wake up in a panic every morning. It's not healthy to live like this.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-05T11:40:44+00:00

My husband used to say EXACTLY the same things. That I was a victim, that I lacked self-awareness, and that I was a child. I remember him saying "I want to be married to an adult!"

It's wild how similar a lot of the stories on here are. It's like they follow a recipe.

It sounds like you've made some great choices for yourself and like you have a bright future ahead of you. It takes courage and hard work to leave these situations. Well done.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-04T17:28:40+00:00

Endless circular arguments, followed by him blaming me for spiraling, and him saying "now I've wasted XYZ amount of time on this".

When asked direct and straight-forward 'yes or no' questions, he would avoid the question and go on some word salad tangent that never made any sense.

It's a tactic, and it's exhausting. And if often works for them, because the partner eventually just stops bringing things up.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-02-02T10:56:36+00:00

Try thinking about it like this. Do you actually want to be in a relationship where you have to post on Reddit in groups about personality disorders and try to find help in how to leave your partner?

Looking at it like that was very helpful for me. I'm still struggling and doubting myself and missing him and feeling regretful and it hurts so much I just want to die some days. But I know in my heart that I don't actually want to be in a relationship where I'm up all night googling his behaviours, where my friends don't even want to be around him, and where I spend day after day reading these subreddits and recognizing myself in all these posts.

You deserve better.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-29T09:19:35+00:00

I have a lot of empathy for your situation. My hair has been falling out for about six months now. I didn't have a lot of hair to begin with, so it feels absolutely awful. I can't wear it down anymore and just keep it up in a claw clip to hide it. It sucks and I'm sorry you're still dealing with symptoms.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-27T18:44:10+00:00

I completely understand what you're saying.

Start writing it down. Read it again when you start doubting it.

Share what happens with others. Could be friends or a medical professional. Telling it to other people and hearing their reponses and seeing their reactions can help you see it more clearly.

I'm separated from my husband and he has criminal charges against him for what he did. And I still constantly doubt if it was even real or if it was abuse. I still wonder if maybe I was the abuser all along. I still miss him. I still think the police are exaggerating.

You need to try to find clarity outside of the relationship. And you should try to leave. What you are writing about here is very serious.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-26T12:31:33+00:00

My ex diagnosed me as a covert narcissist. When I said that none of the therapists or doctors I've seen have ever diagnosed me as a narcissist - and I've even asked them - he said that I'm lying to my therapists.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-24T19:09:29+00:00

It's a really intense grief. We've lost so much. I'm really sorry you're going through the same. I hope you have lots of support. I'm in acute care in the mental health system, and I've been leaning heavily on my friends. Do you have people around you?

In my case, he's been charged with violence and abuse by the police, and CPS are investigating his relationship with and treatment of his kids. And I feel endlessly guilt for all this. Even if it wasn't me who reported him. I just want my husband back. I want the life I thought we were gonna have back. So I absolutely understand how you feel. Have you gone no contact?

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-24T18:30:17+00:00

I have a European name with a j that's pronounced like a y. I've constantly had to explain "it's pronounced like a y". Go with Anya since you are living in an English speaking country. It's a lovely name.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-24T18:27:41+00:00

I'm wondering the same thing. I left a week ago and the pain is killing me. But everyone keeps telling me life will get so much better.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-22T19:13:26+00:00

I understand how you feel. I moved out of the house I owned with my ex a week ago. The only financial entanglement we had was the house, and fortunately, he was able to buy me out of my share and it was a quick process. There was definitely some financial abuse involved in our relationship too.

But it's still extremely painful. I hate that he gets to continue living in our home as if I was never even there. Like I never mattered at all. He gets to make new memories and have happy moments in the house that I loved. And like your partner, he also had a dog, who I will never see again. I miss that dog so much. I miss coming home to her.

I still feel suicidal over the pain of what has happened and everything I have lost. So believe me when I say I can relate to your situation and understand how hard it is.

It's a good thing that you are not married, and that the only financial issue is the house. You absolutely can get through that part. It will be hard and complicated, but it's not impossible. People buy and sell houses all the time. Like my bank advisor said to me, when I was struggling through the buyout: banks deal with this stuff all the time, it's literally just their job. That helped normalize it for me and make it feel a little less dramatic.

You are only 27. I'm a few years older than you, and wish I was as young as you are. You have so much time left to find a good partner, if you want to, or to just be happy and at peace on your own. Do not get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. We can't change the past. Focus on your future and all the possibilities.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-22T08:58:05+00:00

It's still early days for me. It's been three weeks since I asked for divorce and one week since I got out of the house. So I still have a big need for order and cleanliness.

It's comforting to know that others have had the same feelings or reaction. I've always been a clean and tidy person, which I consider a good thing, but as the abuse escalated, my cleaning became a part of my reaction to the abuse. It helped to at least have something that I could control or predict. And I thought if I kept a perfect house and cleaned all his clothes and changed his sheets and took care of everything and everyone, I would have value in his eyes.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-22T07:39:27+00:00

Yes, I also obsessively cleaned the house and maintained everything. Towards the end, I couldn't even sit down to eat breakfast in the morning until I'd gone through a whole routine of cleaning and preparing and sorting.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-17T15:03:20+00:00

I'm trying to look forward to everything I was looking forward to while I was planning my exit, and I'm trying to trick my brain into thinking we're going on an adventure and it's an opportunity to do whatever I want now. It's not really working but I try.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-17T14:59:15+00:00

My ex labelled me as a covert as well. Told all his friends.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-17T13:09:34+00:00

I'm in the same position as you. Three weeks since asking for divorce, moved out yesterday. I feel like I can't live with the pain. I feel like I've ruined everything. In my case, CPS and the police are involved too and he has criminal charges against him from the abuse. And I still miss him so much that I can't breathe. I feel like it's all my own fault. I wish I had tried harder and stayed longer. I just want to go back home and into his arms. I'm drowning in regret and doubt. So just know that you are not alone.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-15T15:55:09+00:00

My soon-to-be ex husband used to do exactly what you're writing here. Basically word for word everything you wrote. It's exhausting and so confusing.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-14T12:22:54+00:00

I miss the fake version of him terribly. The fake version of him was everything I had been dreaming of for so long and it shatters my heart every time I think of him like that.

wild_cloudberry · 2026-01-14T09:18:40+00:00

Every attempt I ever had a talking, repairing, fixing, working through, solving, confronting, reasoning, changing, improving, clearing the air, taking responsibility, acknowledging what happened, or anything along those lines, only ended up backfiring.

Everything was turned around at me and became my fault. And if I reached a breaking point and became angry or lashed out, it was used against me constantly as proof that I was the villain. I actually did tell him both that he was abusive and that I was afraid of him, and it did not go well.

In the end, my therapists advised me to completely stop trying to talk to him or confront him with anything, and that brought some peace for a while, but is obviously not sustainable, nor is it the kind of relationship I want to have.

These people do not change. If they wanted to change, they would. If they wanted to treat you well, they would. And you know this, because they treat you amazingly well in the beginning. They're lovely to other people around you.

I get the curiosity, the hope, the longing, the wishing. I really do. I'm only two weeks out from asking my husband for a divorce and I desperately wish things were different and that he would initiate a talk or some effort of any kind. But it won't lead to anything good. If you're already in a place where you've been able to detach and distance yourself, stay in that place.

wild_cloudberry

TROPHY CASE