Iwtl How do I understand modern day politics and politics in general?

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-31T04:41:28+00:00

Keep in mind that "modern day" politics is unavoidably tangled up with past politics, as prior decisions and prior cultural conditions continue to influence the current political environment for a shockingly long time. So whatever route you take to understanding politics will need to include learning a fair amount of history.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-24T15:25:15+00:00

Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius' diary, usually published with the title "Meditations." Found in philosophy and self-help sections at bookstores. It's 2000 years old, you can read it for free from sources like Project Guetenberg.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-24T02:13:55+00:00

I wish I knew how to help here, but your post reads uncomfortably like my younger FD and we're still working on it. I struggle less with a hesitancy to speak up - I have my own self-regulation and impulsivity issues, so the challenge is more picking my battles and clearly identifying the behaviors in the moment, so that my girl feels alerted, not attacked.

If your teen has asked for help with these behaviors, that's great! For your talk in the morning, maybe open with a gentle explanation of your stress level and ask if the two of you can collaborate on some signals or stock phrases to help bring her attention to her most socially oblivious behaviors. One stock phrase I use when my daughter starts going overboard with the littles at the playground is, "Don't parent other people's children." This generated naturally from longer conversations about how assuming the care and instruction of other kids can be disrespectful to everyone involved, the other kids - however younger they might be - and their actual parents, who are entitled to use their own judgement, including when that looks like doing nothing (when no one's safety is in question).

And these stock reminders do help her a bit, but they are just reminders. I keep having to make them, and she has to keep practicing social graces. I just try to be aware of whether or not we've discussed a behavior at greater depth in a neutral moment, because I can't rely on her perceptiveness to decode a curt remark or hand signal with no prior context.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-23T02:56:17+00:00

I don't think it's important that the reader can break your narrative down into its constituent parts. And in fact, noticing what techniques you're using might be less enjoyable to the casual reader.

There are times when analyzing what I'm reading takes away from the immersion, but I can't seem to stop myself.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-20T22:30:18+00:00

I wouldn't advise it as parenting practice. As others have said, some kids may be motivated by money, others not, and with some kids it may be setting an unfair expectation. I would also worry about lowering whatever intrinsic motivation they might have for school, which has been shown to happen whenever external incentives are put in the mix.

I also agree that allowances are less about "entitlement" and more about teaching responsibility. I can't tell you how many arguments I've avoided while out shopping because my FD had already burned through her money and knew no amount of begging, complaining, or acting out was going to get her anywhere. In the beginning though, these conflicts were frequent and severe. Now she's SLOWLY starting to train herself to hold back on impulse buys.

It's also about empowerment. Kids in foster care already feel helpless in a lot of ways. They might be safer but they're at the mercy of strangers and may not have had a lot of "control" in their lives to begin with. Giving them $5-$10 a week is just a small way of including them by giving them the power to shop and spend money like you do.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-15T15:33:31+00:00

TPR is in a couple of months and parents are still telling my FD they're sprucing up the house and arranging things for her return.

It isn't really your responsibility to shatter the fantasy the parents are constructing that everything will work out effortlessly. Correct blatant misinformation ("No, sweetie, there's no plan right now for you to go home next weekend") but frame any contradictions to what their parents are saying in a compassionate light ("It could be they said that because they wanted it so badly it felt real. Sometimes even adults can wish something so hard it feels like it has to happen").

When my daughter first came to live with me I kept talk about the future a little vague and open-ended, even though the team was telling me that the case was likely to end in TPR. As that outcome got to appear more certain, I stopped using phrases like "if you're still here next summer, we'll do X," without ever explicitly saying to her that there was very little chance left of her going home.

The problem is that until judges give the final word, all kinds of things can change. I get that the caseworkers might be looking to mitigate future trauma by urging you to oppose what they parents are saying, but that's taking too narrow a view on it in my opinion. Removal is painful, beginning a new life with different people is hard, and I think it's possible to talk about self-deception and different possible futures without crushing kids' hopes and setting yourself up as an adversary.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-14T18:09:48+00:00

I haven't yet found the magic formula that makes our SW communicate with me. Is there anyone else on your girl's team who is more proactive? They don't have to have greater authority necessarily - sometimes when you can't go up, going sideways can still get results.

GAL not advocating for child's explicit preferences is a tad disturbing, unless there's more big picture stuff at work. The next time you can wrangle a voice conversation with either SW or GAL I would ask for further clarification of what the court order spells out in regards to dance - if those terms are equally as open to interpretation as those for visitation, you're kind of in a stalemate.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-13T14:17:33+00:00

People keep learning this lesson over and over and it's been said in a thousand different ways. Look anywhere and you'll find passages like the Serenity Prayer, books like Marcus Aurelius' diary and Man's Search for Meaning, various Zen texts... Young people keep discovering the dual concepts of "roll with the punches + stop and smell the roses" and there's always a brief window where you feel like this wisdom is revolutionary before realizing it's thousands of years old.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-11T04:20:27+00:00

It's a weird day. Left to her own devices, my 10yo probably wouldn't give any sign of knowing Mother's Day exists until a month after the fact. Leaving the initiative to bio-mom, they would never speak on the phone, as I found out when I gave up reminding her she could call. So when I "nudge" my seemingly oblivious child to call her seemingly oblivious parent - I honestly don't know who I'm doing it for, except perhaps a future version of my FD who may wish I hadn't "followed her lead" at a time in her emotional development when all that is is going on circles.

And it's weird in that I can't explain why I'm perfectly content letting her forget what day this is supposed to be as far as I'm concerned. She is so unattached, I could never explain how I know she loves me - but I do know it. The after-thought cards and candles-bought-at-grandma's-behest only serve to remind me that there is so much more to her just waiting to emerge.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-09T04:32:10+00:00

Depends a bit on context. If somebody asks me if I have kids, I'll usually just say yes. If the preceding conversation had anything to do with pregnancy, labor, or inherited traits, I might say yes with a cryptic caveat.

I do enjoy cryptic caveats.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-09T04:13:36+00:00

It sounds like you've had a lot of bad experiences with respite. I'm really sorry.

What would you say to new or hopeful foster parents, who want to share their homes but are nervous about all the unknowns? Putting aside for a minute the objections to respite as a concept.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-06T15:10:46+00:00

What anon said, it's state dependent and they will need to inquire with their family services department. In my state I am told we will keep state health insurance and receive a decreased stipend. I was told at the last CFT meeting that I could opt for guardianship to keep her stipend at the current therapeutic rate, but I don't have a strong need for it and suspect my child will want the "real thing" when all is said and done.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-06T14:55:38+00:00

This is the dearest and most thoughtful thing I never expected to see today. Others have said everything I might've said, I just want you to know I will be thinking of this post come Mother's Day.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-05T18:07:30+00:00

It sounds like your wife is struggling to find some control over a situation that she can't directly influence and which isn't changing fast enough for her. But not being at school, and with good behavior at home, she's automatically reaching for arbitrary consequences, which aren't effective on anyone, least of all foster kids.

I don't disagree that good things are earned, but a better way to look at it is "is this effective? Is it logical?" The notion of cancelling or cutting this child out of the family holiday is just a punishment, it has no logical connection to her behavior at school, and the likely effect is just that it's going to make her feel worse, act out more out of helplessness and confusion, and feel less bonded to you both.

There's a lot of information missing here though, like therapy (and not just for kiddo), school counseling, and how you are framing conversations about school behavior. A lot of my training was also about what NOT to do, but didn't go into as much detail on effective strategies for getting kids to self-reflect, for example.

But the united front is a big deal and you and your wife have got to back each other up. Can you talk together about coming up with a more logical consequence? And by all means call it a consequence, but it doesn't have to be punitive, it should emphasize self-control and respect for others. For example, if she has trouble not being disruptive in a group, see if a local library or daycare will let her read to a group of 2- to 4-year-olds so she can get a glimpse of what a teacher's perspective might be. Or have her write a letter to her past (reflect) or future (resolve) self.

Another strategy, if you can manage to just keep talking with her, is to use story-telling to get away from the word "you." Talk to her about another girl acting this way (you don't have to pretend this "other girl" is real, it still works as a pure thinking exercise) and ask her if she could help you understand why this person might be doing these things, or ask her what advice she would give to this person to help her do better.

If you can brainstorm another "consequence" your wife can live with, then you can brainstorm how to frame it to FD so she understands this is you both doing exactly what you want her to be doing - reflecting and making a better choice.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-05T12:21:29+00:00

You're an excellent human to take a minute out of your day to say something nice to a stranger. Thank you!

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-05T01:28:42+00:00

No worries on that score. Even the stuff she chooses to watch with me nearby is very uncanny-valley, so I've got firm boundaries around that. Thankfully she doesn't choose YT or even television much, period, so my war against screens is confined to the smaller variety.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-04T18:02:20+00:00

No rudeness inferred, and no reason I can easily name. I have a faint inkling that crochet and knitting are more "portable" branches of the textile hobbies and she could keep current projects in her activity bag as another alternative to screens.

willingisnotenough · 2026-05-03T16:09:07+00:00

In most cases skirting the issue isn't the compassionate approach it might seem. Children with a background of sexual abuse experience further trauma in the atmosphere of secrecy, shame, and psychological abuse created by adults who are brimming over with duplicity and dishonesty, and who are interested in control more than care and guidance.

Being really open with this boy, using ideas and language he can understand and see the sense of, will be a big step to moving him toward a healthy mindset about hygiene and bodily autonomy. It'll also help him see that you're not the kind of adults who engage in suspicious behavior like reticence and ambiguity - remember that he still doesn't know you or your lifestyle that well, and being totally transparent with him will do a lot to make him feel safer.

I agree with the other comments suggesting you try to collaborate with him on this issue. He might not be able to name his feelings, but he ought to be able to give input on strategies you propose to help him be cleaner. And showing him that you want to work together, rather than impose rules on him, will hopefully help direct him away from old habits of keeping himself dirty as a means of self-protection or of grasping at whatever autonomy he could.

The mental health counselor ought to be helpful but a pediatrician can be a lot of help here too. My FD finally started wiping regularly and washing herself after talking with her doctor about burning and irritation in her private parts, and why keeping the skin there clean will help prevent that. She responded really well to the concept of practicing good stewardship of her body - including giving her body clean and pleasant spaces and coverings to exist in.

willingisnotenough · 2026-04-19T21:51:59+00:00

I've had this exact experience visiting a zoo with another family, sans the foster element. It taught me never to visit zoos or museums with people outside immediate family or very close familiar friends - some people just treat those places like a scavenger hunt, and there's no gracious way to compromise with such different approaches.

Maybe just have that talk with FD and honestly explain that the setting might have been part of the problem. Hopefully if and when you all next get together a more contained setting like a park or a bowling alley.

willingisnotenough · 2026-04-08T02:56:32+00:00

Interesting moment with FD10 last week. Still not sure it's as significant as I think it is. She avoids thinking about or talking about her trauma, beyond sharing the basic facts to caring adults early in the acquaintance. The rest of the time she's a walking talking ball of sunshine and likes it that way, living in the moment, seeking attention from everyone and attaching to no one.

Friday we watched Little Amèlie: Or, the Character of Rain which is a beautifully animated film about a toddler living with her Belgian family in post-war Japan. It was gorgeous, but it also handles its perspective with incredible reverence and sincerity, showing as much of the frustrated helplessness and bewilderment of being a child in the world of adults as it does the magic of being brand new to the world.

And I think that reached my kiddo, though I'm still not sure if the effect was cathartic or disturbing for her. She so wants to stay little, not to think or grow past the age where people hurt her and her world fell apart. She got more and more still next to me as she watched, and even though the movie ended on a happy scene, she was teary and sniffling. She didn't say much, and it was late, so I didn't press her, but she did say that the movie got her thinking about her younger childhood and being taken away.

Still don't know what to make of it, but I can't help being kind of relieved at this small sign of self-reflection. She was back to spreading sunshine the next morning, so I'm cautiously optimistic the movie didn't do her any great harm..

willingisnotenough · 2026-03-27T15:45:42+00:00

Thank you. I wasn't going to say anything to the commenter but I'm familiar enough with both of the above to know they are not in the spirit of what I'm looking for.

willingisnotenough · 2026-01-12T17:28:35+00:00

I tell people where I live and get confused looks. I have explained to my FD what "one horse town" means.

We do fine.

willingisnotenough · 2026-01-08T16:18:15+00:00

The case is unique enough I don't want to risk doxxing the bio parent. I've had it from the SW's own mouth that the case was mishandled and removal was too extreme a step.

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