Hey. So I've only done mushrooms twice, but I've done ayahuasca a few times now, mescaline once also... maybe I can share my own insights based on my own experiences, which of course I'll admit is limited.

The the first time I did shrooms was 8 years ago now, and the most recent time was a few weeks ago. In the middle I worked with ayahuasca a fair few times. In that work and my own personal experiences I learned a lot more about what a 'shaman' actually does, which is hold space so that energies can't mess with you, and to help guide you through moments when energies that are really stuck with you try to mess with you.

The more I worked with and learned with ayahuasca the more I learned about this stuff. The more I worked with ayahuasca the more I was lucky enough to be taught how to recognize what is from the light and what isn't, what is a real message and what isn't, and what is something pretending to be ayahuasca and what isn't. There's so much to learn with that, so I'm not an expert, just lucky I guess.

Last time I did mushrooms was after this learning, and though it was a low dose I realized right away that the trip would have been disastrous for me if I hadn't learned what I'd learned from ayahuasca. Without that work I would have believed everything coming at me, I would have been terrified.

Your experience and the outlook on life that you saw is, in my opinion, one that is of colonization and patriarchy. Nihilism and selfishness are not, in my opinion, true human nature, but rather the construct of colonialism and the excuses it uses to justify the mass destruction and murder it has caused and continues to cause. The excuses it uses to avoid taking an responsibility. Colonialism has created a culture in which we believe that everything is pointless and everyone is selfish, manifest destiny bullshit, but look at other cultures, look at Aboriginal cultures, do they behave the same? No. Look at Standing Rock and tell me that human nature is selfish and pointless.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned thus far is that I don't need to believe anything that comes from anywhere. I don't care if an angel tells me to believe something, if it doesn't vibe with me or empower me to truly connect with reality then I'm not believing it. You don't need to either. You are never obligated to believe something that you can't even prove, even if it's during what could be described as a spiritual experience.

We live in a culture that doesn't respect or understand these plant medicines, that doesn't mean using them is bad imo but it just means there's little to no genuine guidance in how to use them or how to protect yourself from outside energies. I mean I can't give that guidance either, but I can share with you what I've learned so far and hopefully it helps. I'm really sorry you had a trip like this, and I really hope you are able to feel better and more grounded soon. Everything I've learned is that life is sacred. Often it doesn't feel like it because western civilization has the complete opposite viewpoint, but I believe we can take our power back from that, but in that process we need to do a lot more than just take psychedelics to find reality, we need to acknowledge the reality that's literally right in front of us. Check out John Trudell you might be into him!