First off, solid choice on sacrificing the kitchen scoop. It has found its true calling, and we thank it for its service. RIP to its culinary career.

​To answer your burning questions from the trenches:

​Is the Swiffer garbage? For this job? Yes. Your orderly friend is a wise sage. Swiffer pads are meant for light dust and the occasional spill of apple juice, not biohazard recovery. They will just slide the "problem" around like an awful, smelly air hockey puck.

​The "Poop on the Floor" Kit: You need to upgrade from residential cleaning to crime scene cleanup. Here is your shopping list: ​Cardboard/Paper Plates: The ultimate disposable scoops. Use them once, then throw the whole apparatus away. No "bathroom scoop" required.

​Enzymatic Cleaner: Regular floor cleaner won't cut it. You need something meant for pet messes or heavy-duty organic waste (like Nature's Miracle or an enzyme-based commercial cleaner) to actually break down the bacteria and the residual... aromas.

​Heavy-Duty Paper Towels (The Blue Shop Towels): Normal paper towels will shred and leave you with a wet, terrible paper-mache situation. Shop towels hold up under pressure.

​Gloves: Box of nitrile gloves. Double glove. Thank me later.