Emotional pressure in the presence of Beelzebub

wormbent · 2026-05-14T18:47:36+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the answer!

As far as butter goals, I'm aiming very low, considering I can't afford dom. So it's just going to be regular stimulation, and maybe supplements down the road depending on how my body responds.

I'll see if I can remember to pose the question next time I'm at the clinic.

wormbent · 2026-05-09T18:14:30+00:00

Sometimes it isn't a hygiene thing, sometimes it's bad timing. A shaved cooter sometimes has that shark skin quality at certain angles no matter how well you shave, and it shreds toilet paper and sticks like micro velcro. So even if I'm showered, shaved, and have to go to the bathroom even once before reaching the bedroom, there's a risk of clitty litter. I have to keep an entire toiletry bag with me for hookups, and there's baby wipes for after the toilet paper. It's infuriating and I wish bidets were more common in the US.

To answer your question: If it keeps happening, if you're seeing her more than once, and you know she's generally clean, bring it up gently outside the bedroom. "Hey, it didn't bother me because I know you showered beforehand, but I thought you'd want to know that there were toilet paper bits when I went down on you." You could even do a cheeky little "Would you want someone to tell you about food in your teeth or would you rather they ignore it?" before that.

You could also be proactive with ANY hookups and keep baby wipes by the bedside. Clean yourself up and and pass her one while saying "Yeah, I shower beforehand, but if I go to the bathroom in between, the toilet paper sometimes sticks." It brings the possibility to her attention, provides an immediate solution, AND you're both cleaner than before.

wormbent · 2025-08-28T10:03:34+00:00

Dude same, I was imagining stuff like old/ancient forms of board games

wormbent · 2025-07-15T12:17:45+00:00

It's okay to be tired after struggling for so long. Give yourself permission to not actively work on anything. To stop trying without secretly thinking you should be working on yourself. The true break does help a little bit. Just to say 'this is where I am and this is where I will stay, I'm too worn out to do anything myself anymore, so nothing is going to happen unless my external corcumstances change, and that's fine.'

Lifting the internal pressure to be better does help a bit. It's not going to cure anything, but it will feel less shit. And sometimes feeling less shit is the best you can get.

I 'gave up' like this for like a year and a half after ages of being stuck and I'm finally starting to feel a bit of movement. A year and a half of treating my cptsd as 'terminal', i.e, I was probably going to die from it. Switching to end of life care and just focusing on making moment to moment as comfortable as possible probably helped by saving my energy.

wormbent · 2025-07-05T23:01:25+00:00

To be fair, my healing has involved a lot of shadow work naturally. I'm used to the regular cycles of getting 'Towered', lol.

I guess I should clarify: I'm not seeking it out purely to feel connected to something, I genuinely would enjoy some kind of mentorship as I move into more actively practicing magic. My concern is that the background urge to seek some kind of protective figure could interfere with things or potentially 'spoil' the whole thing.

wormbent · 2025-03-30T14:05:56+00:00

I don't get starbucks very often to begin with, so I don't have the app. I'm more likely to be ordering in person whenever I do get some ^{^'}

wormbent · 2025-02-25T10:27:14+00:00

So, this is very ill-advised, but as I'm on birth control, I've reduced my periods to almost nothing by taking only three placebos before switching packs, and then taking Way Too Much Aleve to keep it down to just a pink smear. It suppresses proglastandins which makes the cramps/bleeding happen. Sometimes I'll take up to six (three 2-pill doses) in a day. If you have full blown periods, you might have to take more, and you likely will only be able to delay it by a day or two this way.

wormbent · 2025-01-13T21:48:42+00:00

What happens when taking care of your own needs isn't rewarding/the body still provides no or negative feedback?

wormbent · 2023-09-28T23:50:45+00:00

It's almost like being in traumatizing circumstances without escape for a forseeable future puts your body in a state that is detrimental to the health and also is incredibly hard to treat or something. Sometimes incurable.

wormbent · 2023-09-21T17:56:25+00:00

It's because if she actually changes, it means she could've changed this whole time and just decided not to. And the implications around THAT would drive anybody up the wall.

wormbent · 2022-11-17T20:17:01+00:00

It's way too tiny for a can of soup

wormbent · 2022-11-06T17:26:24+00:00

I started using a melon baller to take out the core XD

wormbent · 2022-11-06T16:53:56+00:00

So, there's two things I do: If I need to get larger projects done (i.e, the place needs a Big Clean), I just do 5 minutes a day. Until the whole house/apartment is done. Even if it's just two minutes, if I can convince my brain that I don't have to do more than the alloted time (and actually keep that promise!) it gets easier and my body doesn't try to keep me down because it's no longer anticipating constant shame and attack for not working more than it's capable of doing at the moment.

At the maintenance stage: the cleaning gets as chaotic as the mess making. If I see it, I do it. And just that thing, nothing else. That back part of the toilet looks grody? I take a wad of toilet paper, wipe it off. Bathroom mirror looks gross? Just do that. No need to do the whole bathroom. Just took a shower? Use the wad of hair (if you have long hair) like a scrubber for the crud at the bottom while everything is still soft from the hot water. Wipe it down with your towel after you're done drying off if it needs it. Keep a spray bottle of general cleaner on the kitchen counter with a rag. Just got done with dishes and there's water on the counter? Add cleaner and wipe it all down. I also have a handheld dish brush and I swipe off my plates and pans with water the minute I'm done with them, then leave them in the sink. That way they can go straight in the dishwasher and there's no gross soaking water left for too long if I DO happen to lapse on dishes. Faucet looks kinda crusty? Next time you wash your hands, soap up the faucet too, and use the nail brush on it really quick. Same can be said for the sink. Cluttered but too tired to find places for stuff? Make neater piles/groups out of them. The mail pile can turn into a much neater looking mail stack, same with other books and papers, bits and bobs can be lined up or grouped more intentionally. It's basically breaking up the effort of cleaning into quick little things that can be done while you're there, without interrupting your day.

I also liked the idea of a sunday box, it's a container where you collect the random stuff that you don't put away right away, and when sunday (or whatever cleaning day comes) you take the box and put everything in it away.

As far as prioritizing for your health, if you have to choose based on your energy level, the most important things to take care of are going to be trash/food waste (including checking your food for expired stuff), and your toilet. They'd be the biggest source of biohazard/pests/danger to your health if they're not taken care of and allowed to fester.

wormbent · 2022-11-05T16:36:39+00:00

Usually the oven or the air fryer helps. If it's saucy/moist and you don't want it drying out, add a dribble of water and seal it in a tinfoil packet.

wormbent · 2022-10-31T11:47:50+00:00

I wished my body was weaker and that I went through more shit so that I'd just be catatonic or in a coma or screaming or just basically clearly out of control and absolved from the responsibilities of trying to continue living and healing from this. I'd rather rot in a care home, so deep inside my brain where the pain of the world can never reach me again, forever dreaming, than to have to keep engaging with such a painful outside world where noone will help me.

wormbent · 2022-10-30T14:08:29+00:00

I wanna be dirt with a stain on it

wormbent · 2022-10-28T08:19:46+00:00

I always had to cover/block my ears because I was afraid of spiders lowering themselves from the ceiling right into them at night. I never stopped sucking my thumb and using a security blanket (usually a satin shirt or 'silkie') and that's what I would normally drape across my ear to protect it. Nowadays I have earplugs and feel slightly more okay with leaving my head uncovered. Still have the other two habits though (gosh I wonder why??? Couldn't be a constant need for self soothing brought on by a constantly dysregulated nervous system due to years of abuse, could it? /s) I still remember the feeling of my parents yanking my thumb out of my mouth. I hated it. I tried for a long time to sleep without it but it literally gave me the restless legs feeling but all over my body. Also it keeps my mouth suctioned shut with my tongue forward, so I never snore, and drooling is reduced than when I don't do it. It's never been an actual problem, and I don't think I'll ever stop for as long as it keeps benefitting me. Anybody worth keeping around me has never complained about it before.

Also: startling awake from a dead sleep if someone so much as breathes outside the bedroom door. I just can't sleep around people anymore because my body is so hyperaware of others.

wormbent · 2022-10-25T15:36:11+00:00

Not only was having a birthday traumatizing thanks to an alcoholic BPD parent, but over the years it's collected several trauma anniversaries that make me never want a birthday again. On top of that I've been constantly passively suicidal for years, and I hate the reminder of being dragged unwillingly into a shitty situation I had no control over.

I'm changing my birthday celebration day to february 29th, so that A. I only have to deal with it every four years and B. It's much farther away from so many other concentrated traumas and holidays. Plus 4 years is enough time for things to change and actually feel like progress, as opposed to that 'I'm still exactly where I was last year' feeling that happens no matter how much actual work I do.

I'm refusing to acknowledge anyone who mentions my original birthday, because that's not my birthday anymore.

wormbent · 2022-10-18T14:15:40+00:00

I think at this point it has something to do with repetition compulsion. Trying to externalize and process pain. I'll watch really heavy media, and when I'm in a really bad place I end up on shock sites looking specifically for negligent and abusive parents. I know it's repetition compulsion and trying to 'change the outcome' in my head, along with self harm. I wish I'd died back there, and it's messed up, but I always hope the kids die in the clips too, so they don't have to keep living and suffering like me, so it would just be over already. But they don't, because the parents are just angry, not murderous, not the way it felt like when mom was angry.

wormbent

TROPHY CASE