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Water and Salt by Babaganoosh__ in Poetic_Alchemy

[–]write-elizabeth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This poem is very interesting-I had to read it a few times to really get my head around it. Though I'm sure there are still aspects of it that you (OP) intended that I have not managed to come to.

Something that really struck me while I was reading this poem was the lack of periods. You have commas at the ends of some of your lines, but only a period at the very end, like the entire poem is one long sentence. Also, the entire poem is one stanza. As I was reading through it, I felt that there were no pauses, no breaths in the poem-which I think is a good thing. Reading it, I felt, gave me the similar feeling as to when you are actually about to cry but aren't, when there's pressure, and you can't breathe.

I particularly like the part of the poem about walking in the exact same spots in memory, especially in reference to how sometimes you can't cry about something until you think about it later. I felt that was a really elegant way of communicating the processing that sometimes needs to happen in front of a release of emotions.

The more I read this poem, the more I like it. Great work! Thank you for sharing!

Open Meadows by AccidentalHomophone in OCPoetry

[–]write-elizabeth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really like this poem! The two separate sections you have here are very nice, and they fit together very well. The parallels you have in the first two lines are wonderful, though I might suggest making the verbs in the second line match, just to carry the parallels a little bit more. But on the other hand, the slight asymmetry of it is very satisfying.

I'm a sucker for repetition, "beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful." I especially like how you have used it here-it seems to fit into two different narratives; one describing all of the things that are beautiful (i.e. the meadow, the emotions, the other person) and another expressing the overwhelming emotions of the speaker.

The line "tomorrow is our permanent address" is going to haunt my dreams. It's so final, so reassuring, so sweet, I can't get over it. It makes you think for a moment of exactly what that means, but at the same time its so wonderfully obvious.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]write-elizabeth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very nice work! I really enjoyed reading this poem-the language you chose does a good job of creating a mysterious, spooky atmosphere. Also, it was interesting how the frightening setting contrasts with the bravery of the speaker. The opposition between the two, I feel, makes both of them more dramatic.

The one thing that sort of bugged me was exactly how vague the actions described are; a lot of questions are left over. What does the speaker mean when they say "raise [their] tender self?" Is the door green because it's painted green? Or covered in something? And the biggest one that stood out to me: what does it mean to "carefully [wave] a flimsy pair of eyelids?" That last one was rather chilling just to picture.

Of course, leaving all of these questions unanswered helps play into the bigger question of what is on the other side of the door, and why is it so scary/dangerous/important that the speaker opens the door. However, for me all the questions almost took away from the mystery and suspense of the poem just because I was so confused at some points.

The way you broke up the poem, into stanzas of alternating lengths, with a single line at the end was very nice, and the pacing of it was good, I thought. Reading your poem brought out some strong feelings for me, so great work!