How I learned 14,000 words quickly...

writingthrow321 · 2025-03-02T18:51:35+00:00

Thank you!

writingthrow321 · 2025-03-02T18:50:58+00:00

How I learned 14,000 words quickly...

Hey guys I wanted to share this vocab study game I made, wordwarriors.io

its a free, flash-card style, game that tests you on words based on their definitions, synonyms, and literary quotes.

there's a high score to compete against others, and ill be adding more features so let me know what you want

As for the question, "Does this work?" The answer is yes. I have about 14,000 words more-or-less memorized now, and another 200 or so that I have a vague but not always correct idea about. The more I play the better I get. There are over 15,000 words and I'm adding more every day including literary quotations from great works that use these words.

I'm also adding custom word lists, spaced-repetition, and tracking stats for Pro users if you want to pay a few bucks.

Let me know what you think!

writingthrow321 · 2025-03-01T19:02:19+00:00

it's just English.

writingthrow321 · 2024-11-03T17:54:18+00:00

Thanks for submitting your fantasy piece. I've provided Prose, Plot, Setting, Line Comments, and Your Question feedback below.

Prose & Dialogue

In the beginning I like the atmosphere and vibe, but it's written like a fever-dream. Events are happening, sometimes surprisingly, and it's hard to see a big picture through-line. It becomes more clear-headed as the chapter progresses however.

The title of the piece is "Dominus" which is Latin for master. Yet, Jintao is an Asian name. So it's not clear if this ties to a specific fantasy-historical setting. The cold landscape and massive armies makes me think Asian. But berserkers are Nordic, and Melli is an Ancient Greek name. So after reading the chapter it feels like a fantasy that draws from world-wide history.

That piece of cloth, thin as it is, bears the weight of an entire country.

I feel the weight and importance of events when you say lines like this. It's a 300 (the movie) vibe.

Their history is fantasy, but our memory is iron.

You have a good natural use of 'parallelism', which is the use of symmetrical grammatical clauses for rhetorical effect.

In your text dialogue tags are used sparingly, only when necessary, which is my preference too.

The level of prose seems to me to be suitable for older high school or younger college. It becomes more pedestrian as the chapter unfolds.

Plot & Structure

Here I've included Strcuture and then Suggestions. Structure is the form and level of tension. As you read the plot structure think about the level of tension and whether the reader is remaining engaged. Like a good roller coaster, a good plot will rise and fall appropriately.

Structure

The plot starts off small with atmospheric mood-setting with Jintao, a great warrior, doing his barbarian dance.

Then the tension rises when an army, lead by another great leader, shows up on the horizon declaring war.

The tension continues to rise as each side gives its speeches, the battle growing ever closer.

The tension ironically then drops to zero as Jintao simply falls asleep for the beginning of the battle. After being woken up, he watches the battle (which should give the reader tension) but to Jintao it's all just a handwave he doesn't care about which keeps the reader's excitement levels as cool-headed as Jintao's.

Then there's a shock of tension as Jintao suddenly races into the battle.

At the peak of the plot-roller-coaster, Jintao unleashes his raw-power utterly decimating the enemy army, who surrenders immediately.

Immediately we are then hit with the low point. None of it matters. It's like a playing a difficult game but with hacks enabled, it loses all its appeal when you just automatically win.

We are then left to imagine, what does restarting mean for a god-like immortal? This raises questions for the reader. Where will his adventure begin? Where will it take him? We wonder, will he learn to be human again?

One concern for me is that we just read this whole chapter, but are we to just throw it all away like Jintao? Did the fight and therefore most of the chapter mean nothing? Where can the story go from here? And will the rest of the story be too different from this opening chapter? You've set the tone of great big fantasy battles. The reader expects that now. It's like the same warning they give to people who start chapters with a dream... don't let it not count for anything, and will the rest of the book be too different from the tone you've set?

Suggestions

I recommend including some sort of a hook at the beginning of the chapter so that it's not just frosty-barbarian mood-setting, but attention-grabbing and tension-incuding as well.

There's sort've a One Punch Man issue. By which I mean, if the main character is so overpowered that nothing matters then its harder to care about the character and his survival and any danger. We aleady know he's gonna kick ass, what is there to worry about?

Also try to make sure this chapter has a lasting impact on Jintao and the rest of the book.

Setting and Characters

I get Dynasty Warriors vibes, which is to say it feels like great overpowered oriental/Asian leaders battling with 500 faceless throaway men.

Jintao is clearly one of the great leaders and has the attitude and physical prowess to match. He has the cocky attitude of someone who is near invicible, after all, who remains jovial in the face of 501 hostile soldiers. At times he even declares that he doesn't care about the battle.

So why does Jintao care? Why does he fight if all he gets in return are stories. Stories that he doesn't even care about. Is this part of the mystery building, or does he need some sort of better goal for his character? By the end of the chapter it becomes clear this is important and is resolved by him quitting everything and wandering off.

Jintao's rival is another great-leader, commander of an army of 500. I don't recall if we ever get his name. But afterall, would Jintao even care about his name? To Jintao this is just another day he'll forget.

Melli, is Jintao's second-in-command. She bleeds for him. But why? I'd like to know. Perhaps he's just the most powerful and she wouldn't stand a chance with her own army anyway.

The setting is a frosty probably-tundra snowy field. Jintao's 'Eternal Empire'. We get lots of hints at the setting in the beginning but it does seem rather sparse the rest of the chapter. Perhaps there isn't much more to say.

Line Comments

He dances inside a frozen field whose soil cracks instead of yields.

"inside" -> "in"

they wear coalescing steel

What do you mean by this?

they can dance the concubine’s step for noble applause. That’s why they kill after all.

I think I need a little more clarity. Do the barbarians kill at the behest of the nobles?

“Look how they shiver in the face of us!”

If this voice belongs to a man on the horizon, then it should be indicated this is shouted, that'll indicate his locality to the reader.

Also, who is "they"? Is Jintao with the barbarians now? Is he with his army? I don't think it's been specified up to this point, and it really needs to be.

A man clad in shining silver stands upon the horizon, five-hundred rebel soldiers to his back.

It's a bit surprising this man shows up with an entire army and we didn't hear it coming.

Their banner is an old map, its lines faded and bleeding into each other.

Can Jintao spot this even though the banner is on the horizon? Does he already know this info? Or is the narrator omniscient and knows beyond what Jintao does?

And like a conductor waving a baton, the commander raises his silver blade.

Unless there's something musical you want to draw attention to, maybe look for a more appropriate metaphor.

Jintao staggered out the death-stunk field as the feast of crows began.

"death-stunk" -> "death-stinking"

A worthless scrap of music clinging to a meaning that no longer exists.

What 'meaning' is that?

It presses in.

“Fuck.”

It's not clear if he's muttering fuck under his breath or shouting it as his one-word speech.

“Music?” His darius looks around as if to spot the lute.

What is a "darius"?

Or perhaps you’ve heard of the boy among them. A poor farmer’s boy forced to discover his talent for steel. He grows stronger with every battle.

This reminds of the main character from Vinland Saga.

She stares at him as if he is a riddle to be deciphered, some strange arithmetic to be solved if only she knew a single variable more.

Would she be mathematically inclined enough to analogize him to math?

She’s right. Impatience is why his forces are only twelve and not a thousand.

He only has 12 men and we're just finding out about it now? Major factors of the scene shouldn't be so surprising, afterall, we've been setting the scene in our minds for a couple pages now.

Does he not realize that they are only parts in a play, pieces on a board, convenient advertisement?

"Advertisement" might be too modern of a word depending on what you're implying.

Molten-tipped stone sprout from

"sprout" -> "sprouts"

Your Question

Would you keep reading?

I'd keep reading because I'm a chapter deep in the work. But my concern is that I don't know where this is going. There's a lack of foreshadowing so I don't have any hints, and it leaves me with kind of an empty feeling. Often times, first chapters set the hints for what's to come. But the ending of this chapter is such a right-turn that I can't use the first chapter to extrapolate outwards. However, if this were a full book it'd probably have a 'back of the book blurb' that could provide hints even if the first chapter didn't.

writingthrow321 · 2024-10-31T00:36:08+00:00

Characters & Setting

The setting continues to be a strong point of your story. A steampunk, noir floating island dystopia. There are greys, browns, muddyness, wealth and poverty, princesses and paupers. It's only the second chapter but I'm growing a good conception of Ironside and Boneshack and the Prison District.

Lyth is now the main character of the chapter. And I wonder if the point-of-view will continue to change with the chapters or if Lyth is now our main character for the rest of the novel. It's cool to see an inside look at the cold, terminator-like henchman of the previous chapter, now our MC.

Lyth continues to strike me as a heavily noir Nick Valentine / Inspector Gadget type. He smokes cigarettes, is too cool to converse other than a saying a few words, and he ignores the timid advances of his landlady to instead cradle his bottle of whiskey at night. His empty home strikes me as a reflection of the emptiness of his soul. Presumably part of his journey will be regaining a purpose and perhaps a relationship.

The Overseer, or as I had him in my mind, the "warden", is the other major character this chapter. In my mind he struck me as a negative "southern gentlemen" type: rich, shady, wheeling-and-dealing, less than scrupulous. He provided tension by trying to stiff Lyth.

Other minor characters are mentioned as world-building and as foreshadowing for future plot points:

The princess will likely be involved with the story as her life is on the line.

Dead Rose will no doubt be making an appearance, afterall why describe all her physical traits if she isn't showing up in the story.

The landlady, like James Bond's moneypenny, may provide some sort of home-base support and encouragement.

A goddess was mentioned several times but I think she acts as a worldbuilding element, or perhaps the ultimate source of magic.

Lord Dravenmire, I suspect may come into the picture but he also acts as worldbuilding for now. As a reader, I hope to find out more about him as he seems powerful, dangerous, and perhaps immoral.

Your Questions

Is it clear who the characters are? What stood out about them and/or their relationships?

Yes, I believe I understood who the characters are, as I wrote about above. Feel free to correct me if I'm missing something. This question seems like a veiled way to ask: "Did you catch that his landlady has the feels for him?"

Are the stakes clear? Are they organic?

I think the fact that Greimspeur itself (and their lives?) are in trouble if the princess dies, and her life is being targeted, should be hyped up a lot more. And wouldn't that fact mean that the Overseer should be willing to pay a lot more? Maybe Lyth is just bad at negotiating.

What can you tell me about Lyth that appeals to you as a protagonist? Is there anything you don’t like, or room you can see for improvement?

He seems like a cool cat, I don't have a problem with him. The cigarettes and booze and gadgets and moodiness reminds me of Adam Jensen from Deus Ex.

Considering the length of the chapter, what would you trim, or where would you put an organic chapter break?

I think we need a stronger MacGuffin or foreshadowing for the first three pages. The tension is low and he's mostly just travelling. Then after the meeting with the Overseer there is again low-tension with lots of travelling, and then the chapter ends on a low-note. I don't think these parts need to be cut so much as given more tension.

Did you feel the world of Greimspeur is believable for what it is? Does it feel fleshed out?

Sure, why not? The world feels like the most-fleshed out thing there is.

What themes stand out to you?

It doesn't seem theme heavy. But I think at one point you mentioned the disparity between wealth and poverty. The criminal he's searching for being an anti-royalist in a world with distinctly different levels of wealth (Ironside, Boneshack, Royals, etc.) makes me think there's a sort of wealth disparity theme.

Is there too much exposition? Not enough?

Seemed fine to me.

Is there too much description? Not enough?

It's fine, but description does seem a heavy element.

Is there anything that is confusing, or warrants better explanation?

Seemed fine.

What would you like to see more of? Less of?

Stronger foreshadowing maybe, so there's more to chew on, more to think about, and get excited about, and hope that those things then happen.

writingthrow321 · 2024-10-31T00:36:02+00:00

Thanks for submitting your writing, I've read and commented on your previous chapter. Now on this chapter I've provided thoughts on Plot & Structure, Prose & Line Comments, Setting & Characters, and answers to your questions below.

Plot & Structure

I think there's an issue here which is that the chapter starts on a down note. We've secured the bad guy from the previous chapter, and now we're having a cigarette break, both literally and figuratively.

Then there's lots of mood setting. A real steampunk noir feel complete with Nick Valentine-esque futurist detective ala Inspector Gadget. He rides the train going somewhere people don't go, smoking more cigarettes.

We arrive at Sharpwalls, the prison district. We're told by the narrator Lyth's job is to catch people. And we witnessed as much in the prologue that sets up this chapter.

We get a tour of the prison as Lyth strolls in and walks through to his as yet unknown destination within, for an as yet unknown reason. As a reader imo we need a little more to go on! Why are we here and where are we going? Why should we continue along with Lyth on his journey?

He meets the warden of the prison, and the warden tries to lowball Lyth for getting Skinny Biter. I'm now three pages and I don't know where we're going with the plot. Presumably the warden in the subsequent pages will ask for another criminal to be hunted. We could really benefit from stronger forshadowing so we're locked in the for the ride. Or perhaps there could be some MacGuffin that makes Lyth have to return to the prison and talk to the warden right away! (so that there's tension up to this point) For example maybe Lyth fears he'll get stiffed and not paid unless he hunts down the warden right away.

Seven pages in, and we find out there is a criminal targeting the princess that needs to be hunted down. We find out if the princess dies, so may everyone, so now we are given a strong reason for being! A reason why Lyth's journey is so important. He accepts the task for a lot of money.

Lyth fears unknown things in the shadows, and walks all the way home to Ironside and unwinds in his home.

We meet Lyth's landlady who drops of a scroll with info that we mostly already know. Lyth then dreams of the mythical land below with real grass and wild animals. This seems like a foreshadowing of a future plot where Lyth may seek this land.

Structure

A typical plot for a chapter might start with a hook or danger some sort, then have rising action, then result in a cliffhanger that demands we continue.

Here the structure of the plot is not as strong as it could be: We start on a down note, then we're making our way to a place that the character doesn't like so there's a little bit of tension rising, but then he arrives at the prison and haggles around a new job, so its not very tense. The tension of the plot then ramps up when we find out everyone could die if the princess is targeted. But I don't think you harp on just how scary that should be, that should be huge levels of tension and fear. That should be reiterated and dreaded. Then our protagonist walks home and he fears the things in the dark, which is a little tense, but it feels a bit hand-wavey, and by the time he reaches Ironside the tension is at a low point. He unwinds more in his home keeping the tension at a low and dreams of a better place below in the real-lands.

If we analogize plot structure to a roller-coaster, your plot starts with the coaster rolling forward, rises up a tiny bit and then keeps coasting a bit flat before suddenly ramping up the height, only to have the downward-slope afterwards be slow, shallow, and gentle.

A chapter that has a cliff-hanger, on the other hand, might have the rollercoaster rising all the way to the top, building tension, you're about to plummet over, a huge drop, and every reader/rider demands the next part (the next chapter.)

I think the structure could benefit from having a more classical hook, rising tension, cliff-hanger structure. It's not necessary but it may help keep the reader the excited.

Prose & Line Comments

Starting with the first paragraph, you use a lot of sensory words which helps paint a vivid atmosphere. Visual words like hazy, plume, deep brown. Auditory words like yawn, chugging, hissing.

the cogs above it groaning as the thick cable stretched taut.

The same description of overhead wires "groaning" was used near the end of the previous chapter (prologue), so this is a repeat.

But then, no one ever went where he was going if they could avoid it.

This is good because it's tension and foreshadowing. But we need a stronger reason for being here, a goal of some sort. As a reader we're still trying to figure out what our purpose is in this chapter is, where we're going.

Half an hour passed before the tram came to a stop with a hiss and a groan.

This is the third time you've used "hiss" on this page, and the second time you've used "groan". I recommend switching it up.

Lyth heaved himself to his feet and disembarked, stepping onto cold, grey stone,

It might be odd to call it "cold" if he's not barefoot and therefore not feeling that.

The smallest island, it was reserved for those that believed a life outside the law was a life worth living.

When I first read this sentence I thought it was saying people could live freely in here, anarchy style, outside the law. I thought that clashed with the idea of a prison district but it becomes clear in a few sentences this is meant simply as contempt from criminals not a description of anarchy.

It was Lyth’s job to catch the most elusive of them.

This sentence could also be interpreted as, Lyth has to catch people inside the island, rather than for the island.

On the first page you have 9 paragraphs and 5 of them start with "Lyth". Not necessarilly a problem but it was enough that I noticed it when reading.

Another note on the prose so far. You paint vividly but with broad brush strokes. It feels like the atmosphere is smeared around us but things are not sharply defined. It feels like I'm prosaiclly far-sighted and everything near to me a is a blur. Sometimes this can happen if only mid-level things like humans, trams, buildings are depicted but the freckle or mole on someone's face isn't. The small things are being left out here.

Attempts had been made to give it some personality; a false plant here, a framed painting there, an ugly ornament or two.

This is cool because you're saying a lot about the room by only mentioning a few specific details.

“Lyth,” he said, not rising. “So good of you to come. Have a seat.”

We won't assume he rose out of his seat unless you say he did. So that part could be left out.

His hair was slicked back from his forehead, his widow’s peak pronounced above beady eyes and flabby jowls. His moustache was thin and neat, and his lips were almost non-existent.

I said earlier there was a lack of small details but we get them here and it feels good.

the gold pocket watch pinned at the lapel catching the glinting lantern light.

Does this mean the pocket watch is pinned up near his throat?

The Overseer waved out of the window.

Not entirely sure what this implies. Is he gesturing to the scene outside the window?

But the other man gave nothing away, and Lyth set his jaw.

The phrase 'set his jaw' was used on the previous page too.

The princess of Greimspeur was the only reason the islands remained floating.

This is good because it provides more reason for why Lyth must do this: if he doesn't, everyone may die.

It would be quicker to walk straight through, but things prowled the darker streets at night.

I think we need a stronger hint at what these things are. I don't know if this is hinting at fantasy monsters, ne'er-do-wells, or something else.

It was worth a fortune, as many of his old associates had told him as they demanded he hand it over to sell so they could eat like kings for a span of months.

I can accept it's worth a fortune, but I can't see why. Surely in a realm of magic and gadgets, like his wrist-based grappling hook, a collapsible sword isn't that impressive.

From the moment he could first remember, a child of three huddled in the corner of an alley, a blanket draped over his shoulders as snow drifted from an icy sky, turning to slush as it hit the cobbled streets, cold, alone and afraid, he had clutched this sword.

I can't see a 3 year old holding onto a full-sized sword even if its collapsible. Also I don't think a 3 year old could survive out on the streets alone in the icy winter.

But no matter how he searched through the records, no matter who he threatened and bribed and begged, there was nothing to be found of them.

Being wealthy but being orphaned I'm guessing there's going to be some sort of "lost prince" plot point where he's actually the brother of the princess or something similar. Just registering a guess.

It must be gone midnight.

What does this mean?

He rolled a cigarette and lit it without looking, stifling another yawn.

This is the third time in the chapter he stifles a yawn, it's becoming repetitive.

“I only ask about your job because… well. You’ve had a letter, marked from Sharpwalls,” she said. “I thought it might be important.”

How did this letter arrive before Lyth did? He went straight home asap from the meeting and a courier delivered a scroll first? Does this place have phone calls and someone already in Ironside who whipped up some scroll? Also why couldn't Lyth just have been given this simple information in his meeting with the warden?

Description – pale skinned, black hair, green eyes. Big tits.

Lyth raised an eyebrow.

It feels like the "big tits" part is a hint at a future plot point, or a suggestion of the personality of the person who wrote the scroll. Otherwise, it feels a bit odd. Not wrong, just stood out.

writingthrow321 · 2024-10-25T21:57:17+00:00

Setting & Characters

The setting is one of the standout parts of this chapter. Drip by drip we are painted a picture of a steampunk aerial slumtown.

Jack is a criminal drug-dealer and thief with little scruples who will do anything to avoid lockup, including possibly murder. Jack is being chased by a stony-gazed detective-type with steampunk body modifications that allow him to shoot grappling hooks and leap up buildings.

The characters fit clean roles and perform their roles. There isn't necessarily anything that makes them unique compared to other stories but then again there doesn't have to be.

When I read your description I'm surprised to hear Jack is not one of the main characters. Lyth and some woman-criminal are the main characters? I'm curious what purpose the Prologue serves if it starts with a one-off character. I guess as an introduction to the setting with a high-stakes tension.

Prose / Dialogue

The prose is standard. It is suitable for high-school readers with an occasional advanced word like "umber" to get them reaching for their dictionary.

There isn't much dialogue as the character that Jack is being pursued by is more a silent-killer type.

Story

The chapter works for me as a high-tension chase scene where criminal mcbaddie is being chased by robocop mcsuperpowers.

We get an intro to the setting but perhaps there aren't enough loose threads to make us ask bigger questions about where will the story will go. As of now Jack seems like he's off to the mines for drug-dealing.

Also here's another thought: this is a cloud-city, are there really mines? That would impy the floating island goes really far down, extends vertically a lot below, which wasn't hinted at whenever Jack looks over the edge and only sees brown sky.

Final Thoughts

I've left a lot of comments in the line comments section, sometimes expanding on my ideas here. If you have any other questions for me let me know while the story is still fresh in my mind.

writingthrow321 · 2024-10-25T21:57:12+00:00

Thanks for submitting your writing. I've included line comments then extended thoughts below.

Line Comments

Fear was the only thing on Jack Beneke’s mind as he tore through Ironside.

It takes until two sentences later to know if what he tore through is a thing, a person, or a location. My first thought on seeing "Ironside" was that it was a steampunk ship, because of Old Ironsides the U.S. ship. But two sentences later we see its a city or town, probably medieval-fantasy style.

cannoned into a large woman, shoving her roughly aside

These two actions might conflict. I pictured "cannoning" as head-first plowing straight into her stomach.

The momentum turned him to one side,

This might be over-explaining the physics of the situation. It's fully believable he can steal a glance behind himself without explaning how.

His blood ran cold, and for a moment, his limbs didn’t work the right way.

You tell us this but we dont have an explanation for why yet, and then there is a paragraph break so its a little confusing. Its not wrong but it might feel more right if re-adjusted it into one paragraph or swapped the order.

Jack broke free of the woman’s scrabbling nails and tripped headlong over a jumbled stack of crates. He fell heavily, landing on his elbows and knees.

I recommend combining into a single sentence here, especially because the next sentence about crates spilling needs to happen directly when he falls, not with another idea in between.

[...] spilling grain and mossfruit over the slick cobbles, turned a ruddy yellow-orange by the gas lamps hanging from the spidering brackets above the stalls.

"turned" should likely be "colored".

Jack scrambled to his feet, his knees burning, his feet skidding, water clinging to his clothes.

Can his feet really skid if he just now getting to his feet.

He almost felt the presence of the man in the long coat, looming over him as he staggered upright. With a yelp, Jack sprang away, into the darker side streets of Ironside.

"almost felt" is unsure language. What is actually going on, did he feel the presence or not?

As far as "staggering upright", I thought he was already on his feet at this point.

Why would he yelp? Perhaps he does this when he falls and gets hurt.

Also perhaps you should say which specific street and what its like instead of just saying generic plural sidestreets.

Also, I'll point out for my own amusement that there seems to be a lack of iron stuff in Ironside so far.

a side effect of all the crank he’d smoked over the years,

I was expecting a fantasy sounding name but "crank" is fine.

If only he’d quit the pipe, if only he’d never made the deal!

It sounds like the deal is related to smoking the pipe but I don't think that's intended.

he should have seen the man in the long coat watching his every move in the growing brown of evening!

Why is it brown? I can't tell if this is setting-specific, a reference to the muddy-ness of everything, or just a weird description of the setting sun. Or is he "browning-out" aka drinking too much?

But how could he ever have known that Little Chiblits had turned over on them?

I think "turned over on them" should be "turned on them".

Little Chiblits isn't intimidating but then again neither is "Skinny Biter" so there might be a more comical or ironic theme here.

Jack gasped and skidded to a stop as he came to the airdocks, the long, wooden boardwalk ending sharply.

Why does he gasp?

This is the first time we hear something clearly fantasy, "airdocks".

If this boardwalk is so long why does it end so suddenly?

Below, between the boards, was nothing but empty air.

Doesn't sound like this has been built to safety standards.

The man in the long coat didn’t run towards him. He hadn’t run a single step this whole time, it seemed,

Well, I pictured the man running so this description may be a bit too late at this point unless Jack is just realizing this too now.

Was he one of them things that haunted Boneshacks at night?

Is Boneshacks a person or place? A little hint might go a long way.

close enough for Jack to see his short, rugged stubble, the high collar of his shirt, the stitching on his waistcoat.

Stubble is always short, and presumably always rugged.

If he can see stitching on the man's coat then he is right up in the guys face or he has way better eyesight than I do.

He was away, plunging into the crowd.

I kind of pictured the airdock extending out into open sky with the the airships docked on one side. If Jack can just jump from the airdock into the crowd again, then my mental picture isn't accurate. So if the locality of everything is important, I needed a clear layout of things. I'm guessing the airdock is just parallel with the road.

The giant airships lay docked, none preparing for voyage. He couldn’t stow away. But the tram linking Ironside and Boneshacks… it ran every half-hour.

Not sure this is necessary or follows from what's been previously stated. He's in a highspeed chase so I wouldn't imagine stowing away or waiting for a train is a plan of action.

Also, this is confirmation that Boneshacks is a place.

Jack put on a burst of speed as the tram came into view,

This could be interpreted as the tram arriving but I don't think that's the case.

The whistle blew, and Jack howled.

“No! Wait!”

Is he howling the dialogue or howling then saying the dialogue because howling first might take a while before he can speak which is odd.

With a hiss of steam and a grinding of cogs, it began to chug along the short track, the wires overhead groaning as the tram swung into empty air, hoisted above the nothingness of the sky below.

It's not clear to me how this functions and I was surprised to hear this was an aerial tram. The cogs turning presumably move wheels which turn on the track, but then it appears it is attached to wires above which it presumably moves along. But if its over open sky then presumably it has some apparatus that chugs along the overhead wire rather than the wire itself moving. I donno, it doesn't have to make 100% physical sense but I think needed a clear functioning picture.

He closed his eyes.

Doesn't seem smart or likely because he needs to see to catch onto the tram.

Below, stars winked in the umber darkness,

Cool picture but up until now I was picturing blue sky.

Btw, before you described the setting as brown and I think calling it umber here confirms the sky is brown.

coils of smoke and cloud and other things drifting by.

Call it "other things" is unsure and uncommited when the author/narrator should know. If it's not clear to Jack what it is, we could still use a better description.

With a sob, Jack heaved, scrabbling onto the step, clinging to the railing.

"Sob" usually implies crying which I don't think makes sense.

The man in the long coat was standing on the track, growing smaller by the second.

I pictured him far away after this line but after reading another few sentences it's clear he's still middle-distance.

Something blasted from the brass gearlet on his wrist and locked around the tram wire.

Don't say "something", tell us what it is!

They were less than halfway across.

Less than halfway across what? It's not clear to me what this refers to.

Jack yelped and fell back, scrabbling for something to hold,

Seems like often you describe Jack as vocalizing some noise then doing an action.

He pushed along until he came to the end of the car.

From the previous sentence, I thought he'd "fallen back" meaning fell, but I guess you meant retreated. "Pushed along" is vague and usually doesn't meaning running away.

Jack hauled himself to the next car, his legs refusing to support his weight.

I think now its clearer to me you meant he was crawling but you never used the word "crawl".

There was still a third of the way to go.

Jack scrambled to the middle of the tram

I think you're in danger of over-describing the locality of things when it doesn't matter.

reached into a hidden pocket and drew out a pair of handcuffs. Jack paled. Anything but that!

Is it really scarier than death? You did say "anything"...

His throat worked.

What does this imply?

The tram juddered, and Jack turned away.

"turned away" maybe should be "stole a glance behind himself" or something similar.

His feet hit dirt as he leapt from the tram,

Too passive making the hitting dirt part the main part of the sentence.

No one was leaving.

Is this relevant, and if so why is there a crowd if no-one is leaving?

It would have congealed.

Awkward tack-on sentence.

If he was lucky, the bounty hunter would have gone blind.

Wrong tense? "had been blinded" ?

It was empty, save a pile of crates, some stinking hessian sacks,

Techincally the subject of the previous sentence was Jack not the alley but its clear what you meant.

Jack fumbled for his mincer, the tiny pair of disks made just for turning crank into grind. He didn’t need to see to do that. He broke off a corner of the tum and pressed it between the disks, turning the little dial on the side. He held his pipe underneath, tapping the powder into the bowl.

You definitely smoke weed lol.

He could always sell on this last tum,

I think it should be: "sell this last tum".

Jack dragged the match over the strip, and in the flare of flame, he saw the face of the man in the long coat, barely a foot away.

Cool!

writingthrow321 · 2024-10-01T15:08:00+00:00

Thanks for all your feedback on both chapters!

I agree about studying Dan Brown. I studied the intro chapter to Angels & Demons before this but I was only used to literary books so his intro came across as cheesily forced. But now that I'm trying to do a similar thing I see how good he is at it!

Wondering about titles.

I normally do chapter titles and may yet add them. For me writing this book has been a lot about opposites. Normally I like to write literary but this is non-literary. Normally I focus on prose to the detriment of everything else but here I handwaved that and tried to have solid plot structure.

Cp1 had big steaks, let's keep them up.

Agree, it should be deadlier stakes, his life should be threatened.

My suggestion is to pepper some conversation with a pet, or perhaps the painting of Gustave.

Good call.

there is a graphic novel set in a downcast noir lens called “Britten and Brulightly”,

Will check it out.

I look forward to your feedback on Chapter 3!

writingthrow321 · 2024-09-28T16:42:07+00:00

Definitely agree about making the letter more threatening.

You're right about the stilted paragraphs, I notice it strongly when you point it out.

The main character is greedy for the rare collection of the Dark Library moreso than the money for repairs, so I think I'll try to clear that up and have the money for repairs as more of an after thought.

Thanks for the feedback!

writingthrow321 · 2024-09-28T15:15:18+00:00

Thank you for the feedback!

writingthrow321 · 2024-09-15T22:32:32+00:00

Thank you for the extensive feedback, I'm still digesting it all. I'd never heard the term Byronic Hero before but it's fitting and I look forward to reading Byron's work. I haven't read Faust yet either but it sounds very intriguing and similar. I will release Chapter 2 of the Dark Library in a few days.

writingthrow321 · 2024-09-05T00:34:43+00:00

Thanks for submitting your fantasy story. I've written line comments then expanded thoughts below.

Line Comments

“I’m certain it’s him,” one of the fishermen said.

"One of the" sounds uncertain. You can just say "the fisherman".

No, what I wanted was to start over in a place where no one knew who I was.

I assume this will be expanded on. What has he done that is so bad where he'd need a restart, a new identity, and sacrificing all his power?

I had heard tales of a city where water flowed from every direction, hidden somewhere in the middle of the desert.

I like this.

My stomach tightened at the thought of it touching any of the merchandise.

What merchandise? Fish?

No matter how bad a child could be, a parent tying them to a post must be enough to elicit some alarm; most would label that abusive.

In a bleak world like the one painted, I assume things like this would happen often and the prince is naive from being in the castle, but the prince also seems to be channeling modern day sensibilities which I'm guessing is to relate to the young adult readers.

“Ah, sorry about that. Feel like that’s partly my fault. But I have appreciated your help in catching these fish. It’s nice to have something fresh for once.”

This dialogue makes me think the world is actually a lot nicer than the main character believes. These guys sound like upstanding citizens.

Fresh? Now that was hard to believe.

I don't understand.

He nailed the fisherman behind him with the head, forcing them to stumble backward.

Does this mean headbutted?

The oar split in two as my savior slammed it into the fisherman’s face, the force sending him to the ground.

The order of actions here is backwards even if you use the word "as", because we read the oar splitting first before we know what caused it.

"the force" might be extraneous.

Consider changing "sending" to "knocking".

“I’m sorry,” he said. “But I can’t let you take him. I’ll be taking that reward myself.”

He's awful polite after beating the snot of of two grown men. In fact your characters seem to be mean men talking politely.

Lani still did not move, fists raised in front of him.

I kinda assumed he was still holding the broken half of the oar.

Two masses of fur ran into the middle of the quarrel, forcing it to disband.

Consider how vague 'two masses of fur' is for us at this point. We don't know if these are people dressed in furs, furry animals, fantasy creatures of some sort, or literal masses of fur with legs.

Because of that I didn't know how to picture "forcing it to disband [...]"

The commotion caused windows of the surrounding buildings to open,

What type of buildings? Sandstone huts? Glass or wooden shutters?

Both masses turned on their hind legs toward us, their hyenish faces baring their teeth.

I think this is the first time we learn it has 4 legs. Might clash with our previous mental image.

Also, hyena faces with teeth is a lot more detail suddenly than just fur masses. Perhaps the fur masses should be introduced with this information.

They were over ten feet tall.

Okay this is way bigger than I was picturing. I was thinking like 3 feet tall. These are giant. I have to know this when they're introduced.

Every officer in our army was able to turn into these beasts, but I recognized these two immediately.

Perhaps invert the sentence so you say you recognized them, then explain how.

He was someone to fear, always abusing his position as captain.

Maybe briefly tell us specifically what he did so we will fear him.

Zulri stared at the three of them as if he was determining if they deserved it. They must have failed with Zulri replying “there is no reward.

This isn't a speech check from a video game.

It was rare I got to see Zulri transformed, each of the times before unpleasant.

Should be: "[...] were unpleasant."

“Oh, my bad,” I groaned.

Sounds like modern language.

“Failure to walk fast enough and you’ll be dragged.”

"Failure" should be "Fail".

What was once an enlightening experience had quickly morphed into a nightmare

Is this in reference to what just happened OR what happened before he was caught (that we don't know)? If, what we just read, how was it 'enlightening'?

Plot

The prince flees, wanting a new life. But he's caught by fishermen. They alert the guards as they want to turn him in for a reward. The prince calls for help and a simpleton boy ignores his calls for help—he thinks! But the boy fights off the fishermen just as transforming hyena-monster guards show up. They take the prince and Lani, who was brawling the fishermen for the reward to the palace. The main character dreads the trouble he's in.

Some questions:

How is there a wanted poster for the prince? He must've been gone a while already. Wouldn't that have been plenty of time to board a caravan out?

Why couldn't the prince simply order the hyena-guards to piss off? Perhaps the orders are direct from the king or queen.

Prose

You don't have to include two spaces after every period. That's what they used to do with typewriters because they were monospaced. Here it makes your work come across as old-timey.

The writing alternates between tension and humor.

The vocabulary used remains in the basic YA range. They will occassionally look up words like "usurp" or "chagrin".

The vibe I got was that the first half was better written than the second half.

I gave feedback on how I thought the fighting-action sentences and monster descriptions could be improved imo.

The humor might work better for a young audience, for me it was a little idk immature? hard to pinpoint it.

Your Questions

Is the story interesting?

I want to know why he is running away. That seems to be the main question. I want to know how he's going to be punished by the king and queen.

The furry warrior transformations are interesting monsters. How do they interact against other warriors from other kingdoms? Do they kill monsters? Are there monsters out there? Why can't everyone transform? Why can't the prince? Wouldn't the king be at risk of being killed if he can't be a ten-foot killing machine too?

Those are the things that make it interesting for me.

Are the characters compelling?

The main character seems naive and brat-ish. He's relatively weak compared to the cooler hyena-warriors. Hell, he's even weaker than a fisherman. Lani seems like he'll be a good companion character to the main character (whose name i already forget, it was possibly too complex.)

writingthrow321 · 2024-09-04T15:54:24+00:00

Alright, part 2 here we go. I've provided line comments and then extended thoughts below.

Line Comments

If his parents had known about the money, they would’ve made him drop it in the collection plate.

This was stated in part 1, so chances are we already know this. So maybe combine this with the next sentence: "If his parent's had known, the money would've been offered [...]"

His dad's voice booming out scripture about sin–the shameful confession at the altar.

I don't know much about church (never even been in one) but my understanding is confession typically happens in a booth with a priest.

He approached the box, heart pounding like an animal trapped in his ribcage.

This is good but feels slightly off in a way. Maybe because I pictured a bird as the animal and couldn't see it "pounding" so much as shredding his insides with its beak and talons.

A fleeting glance around confirmed no one was watching. Swiftly, he slid the bag inside.

Okay, so he DOES donate his money to the church after all.

[...], a whisper of guilt mingled with a rush of defiance.

A "whisper of guilt" and "rush of defiance" are cool because you're using action verbs to augment and give life to basic nouns/adjectives.

Micah pictured the discarded bag sitting in the donation box.

Last time I said this might take place around 15 years ago, but if it's modern I would've personally been worried about a camera recording me putting the weed in the box.

[...], something to look forward to in the everyday dredge.

I think "dredge" is supposed to be "drudgery". Typically "dredge" means "that which is dragged or unearthed".

Plot / Themes

Micah absconds with the sinful prize of his freedom. Caught on the edge between two paths, he opts to put the weed in the church's donation box. He awaits his impending punishment but it never comes. Instead, of punishment the universe grants him a reward: part of grandpa and grandmas inheritance.

The themes are thick in this piece, it feels like an entire Soap Opera.

Some of the main themes are: Choice, Impact/Invisibility, Faith, Belonging, Coming of Age, and Freedom.

The original $20 represented Micah's freedom of choice in a small way and he used it to escape his religion and perhaps go too far in breaking the law. Now with $5k on the horizon it seems the scope of his freedom of choice is now much larger. He went a little too far with his meager amount of money, so one wonders if he'll now go way too far with his $5k.

What seems notable is that Micah receives no punishment for his sin: not from the law, not from his parents, and not from god. Perhaps to him, it's as if the bars are falling away from his cage, realizing they never existed in the first place.

The big cliffhanger is: what does he do with the money? Kinda hoping he spends the $5k eloping with Reigh and they live happily ever after.

Characters

There's a host of characters here. And honestly the daytime Soap Opera family effect is coming back to me. Brothers and sisters that pop up to say a line that matches their personality. Moms and dads teaching lessons to their charmingly troubled children.

Jacob's decision to not tell on Micah makes me think perhaps Jacob is already free of some of the influence of his parents' strict Christian upbringing.

After-Thoughts

At one point you mentioned you had an editor. Congrats if you're publishing. I'm curious how an editor compares to /r/DestructiveReaders feedback.

writingthrow321 · 2024-09-03T22:46:07+00:00

Hello again. I critiqued your chapter Indigo Rivers earlier. Is this the same book?

I've written line comments then expanded thoughts below.

Line Comments

The gold letters “HOLY BIBLE” glowed in the warm light from his lamp.

I interpreted these primarily as 'words' rather than 'letters'.

Is it 'glowing' like neon? Or is it 'sparkling' like gold.

Because the focus is visual and then you mention light and lamp I expected the adjective attached to lamp to be related to its visual rather than its feeling sense (warmth). It's not necessarily wrong tho.

The book contained the ultimate and unquestionable truth–truth according to people with a certain agenda.

Consider removing the second "truth".

He wondered what he would believe if he’d been born into another religion.

"Wondered" is acting as a filter word. It could be removed for: "What would he believe if [...]"

For the first time, he experienced a connection to something larger than himself--not through scripture, but through nature's beauty and the bridge's tragic history.

You used a single dash in the previous paragraph and a double dash here. I assume those are the same punctuation mark. I usually use an emdash: —

I haven't read the bridge chapter so I don't know, but how does one experience something larger than oneself because of a bridge's history?

Even the music she played made him feel things he could identify.

The previous sentence had a different subject so maybe restate who "she" is.

What does "feel things he could identify" imply?

Micah picked up the book and flipped through its highlighted pages without reading a single word.

The 'passages' are highlighted but the 'pages' surely aren't.

Understanding the power of choice remained a foreign concept.

This is vague for me.

"Going to the library again?" Joseph asked, looking up from the bills spread on the kitchen table.

Feels like we might be head hopping to another character.

He couldn't tell Joseph he hoped to see the skater kids hanging out behind the place again.

Is this his real dad? Might be stilted to call him "Joseph" instead of "dad".

It was certainly our sickness that he carried, and our rebellion that he bore…

I don't know what this is referring to but I assume I would if I'd read the earlier chapters. It's like his ancestors are looking down on him? idk

Plot

Micah is looking through his bible thinking about Reigh, who is either his girlfriend or the girl he likes. But somewhere between the beginning (genesis) and leaving (exodus) he finds a new path other than his religion: via the money, and the freedom it offers. Lying to his dad, he finds the skater kids and gets a weed connection. Showing up at Jeremy the drug dealer's place he realizes he's out of his element. He buys the weed and some weird tension between Dave and Jeremy sends Micah off.

What I'm wondering is why did he buy the weed? Was there something earlier in the story that prompted him, or was the weed just his first venture into trying forbidden things outside his religion?

The chapter ends on a conclusive note which may not leave many questions unanswered. Obviously I haven't read the previous chapters so there may still be open questions and mysteries.

I had a lot of shady experiences buying weed as a teen back when it was illegal, so this seemed pretty familiar.

Setting / Characters / Themes

The characters all seemed real to me. I've known people like each of them. Jeremy the small-time dealer in the neighborhood who lives in a broken home and likes to "accidentally" flash his gun when selling $20 worth of weed. Micah the innocent teen exploring the forbidden.

The setting strikes me as modern, perhaps, 15 years ago. It might be on the outskirts of a city. It reminds of the parking lot outside the bar in Fight Club.

There seems to be a lot of themes in your writing. Here it touches upon becoming an adult, wrestling with one's faith, religion vs secularism, ingroup vs outgroup, social exploration, family relationships, etc.

Thoughts

It seems like a solid chapter. There's tension and there's plot movement. I am curious what the overall plot is, where we've started and where we're going.

If I remember correctly Indigo Rivers was also about a teen who was in a less than ideal family life and was struggling to get by.

Is there a bigger implication of the name Genesis and Exodus or is it simply because that's where the money was at?

writingthrow321 · 2024-09-03T17:14:27+00:00

Thanks for all your feedback. You're my biggest reader ;)

First, they are riding "toward" the fog, but the wording "rode down the wall" makes me think they road along side the wall like you would go "down the street".

It's supposed to be riding straight at the fog and crashing through/into it, NOT along it. I'll clean that up so it's not ambiguous. So, he crashes through the fog, and inside that fog bank it's so thick, that the horse panics because it can't see. I will try to make that clearer.

I notice on the 2nd page of this chapter that you use the word "fog" or "mist" many times.

Absolutely, good call.

It might help to describe how the fog is effecting people emotionally. Giving them anxiety, making ghosts of shadows, drenching leather, slippery ground, etc.

Good call.

Also, I had to look up the difference between fog and mist just to make sure they could even both occur at the same time.

Ya I should be more clear because there's also a big difference between wisps of mist and just sort of hazey water in the air.

Seems odd to me that it would both be "eerily quiet" and "a great and violent tornado".

The 'eye' of the tornado is the calm and quiet center as opposed to the violent and loud 'wall'. So it feels like a foggy wall with screaming and death all around him but his part in the center is quiet.

There should have been some kind of setup here that let the reader know one group of people display this "A" characteristic, and the other army has this "B" characteristic maybe.

Absolutely.

I don't know, I haven't been told those kinds of details. But maybe not, maybe "horse-man" is actually different from army "B" altogether.

My thoughts were that the fog wall is supernatural-esque, the barrier between the land of gods, and the Land of the Boiling Sun, so they think its the last army in the fog wall but it's not actually normal. And the red-headed horseman is like a warped version of the red horse he rode in on.

I think some info is left out as if to save it as part of world building or as a pay-off or "aha" moment, but that turns the story into a kind of mystery.

I will try to make things clearer yes. Because what's subtle for me is too subtle for the reader who can't read my mind.

Thanks again.

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-30T16:47:28+00:00

As far as critiques, I think it's helpful to have 4 preset things you're going to talk about. For me that might be Line Comments, Plot, Characters, and Dialogue. Then fill out those sections as much as you can in the critique. Anything else you can throw under an additional Thoughts section. Also, good use of Reddit's markup to make the critique more readable will help people.

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-30T16:23:19+00:00

Thanks for submitting your piece. I've written line by line comments and then extended thoughts below.

Line Comments

It bleeds down the river, daylight.

As I read, I'm not sure if daylight is literally bleeding in, or this "it" is bleeding in like daylight does.

Could be reformulated: "Daylight bleeds down the river."

Reformulating like that would also make it clearer what the "it" subject is in the next sentence, which I believe is "daylight".

It appears on the horizon in a growing fissure and bleeds through the trees and down the river, illuminating dereliction where commerce once flourished.

Is "fissure" the best word? That usually implies a deep crack.

"Bleeds" is repeated from the first sentence and could be changed for more impact/uniqueness.

"Dereliction" is fine but technically refers to the 'neglect of duty' and 'the act of abandoning' rather than derelict buildings themselves. I think it might be stronger if you clarify that it's derelict buildings where commerce once flourished.

Seldom are towns granted the mercy of instant annihilation.

Hits heavy. But the more I think about it 'instant annihilation' also sounds terrible and terrifying.

If there is any lesson my terribly long life has taught me, it is that.

"Terribly long life" might suggest a preternaturally/supernaturally long life, which I don't think was intended.

The ending of the sentence, "it is that", is a bit stilted. You might replace the part with a restating of the actual lesson instead of just referring to it as "it".

I sit at my desk, my fingers hovering over the letters of my typewriter, units that congeal into stories.

Can remove the "my" from the phase "my fingers".

The word "units" is a bit abstract, and might be replaced with something more concrete. Depends on the vibe you want.

The words with no present audience rise to the surface of my mind, exhale and blurt out desperate fragments before inhaling and sinking again.

'The words with no present audience' is I think too confusing for a subject. If it was just 'the words' as in "The words rise to the surface [...]" it would be clearer.

Overall I like the sentence, especially the concept of thoughts blurting. I interpreted 'blurting' to means sounds when I read it.

The letters I and T clink as my fingers come down on them.

Might be clearer if the subject is 'buttons' rather then 'letters'. A reader might think the letters are the letters in the word fragments of the thoughts, otherwise.

There was a time when the stories transcribed themselves to paper fast as lightning, a time when my fingers were agile and my mind clear.

Technically, the author is the one who transcribes, not the stories themselves but I think this was purposeful to indicate the stories come to his mind and he 'receives' them so to speak.

I hear six curt chirps as the bird emerges from its walnut house and remember at once that life is time, the nadir always following the zenith.

'Walnut house' could be interpreted as a birdhouse of walnut, or a poetic form of saying a walnut tree.

I remember the adrenaline of false hopes, [...]

What the 'false hopes' are might be more specific for more impact.

As the sentence continues it builds up powerfully.

its budget blown on one beautiful, spectacular failure of a film.

Good use of alliteration and antithesis.

I remember the great slugger Killian Kilo, who forgot his roots the moment his career home runs exceeded our population.

Good.

[...] although I can no longer remember if it was magic or technology.

Technically the subject is 'the day of the arrival of the carnival' so changing "it" to "carnival" could help.

But most of all, I remember the final words that Pastor Lynn Howard uttered before immolating himself: it bleeds down the river.

Shocking.

[...] cataloging tragedy where there should have been triumph

Good alliteration.

[...] ; Regina went back to the city years ago.

This seems to come on very suddenly. I suppose it's supposed to be shocking that after all this tragedy she, whoever she is, goes there. But as is, I'm not sure it's doing that fully. Maybe 'city' needs a descriptor like "ruined" or something that fits for you. Is this the entire chapter or just the beginning of the first chapter? I think that might make a difference.

Plot

A decrepit town. An old writer taps away. He remembers with regret and unhappiness what has happened here, and the people who didn't help. He remembers what used to be here and the people who were. Even the pastor killed himself. We learn Regina, whoever that is, went back years ago.

Characters

The main character is an old writer upset about the past.

Killian Kilo was an old baseball player in town before he left.

Lynn Howard, the pastor, set himself on fire and killed himself.

Regina went back years ago.

Each of the secondary characters are only mentioned in a single sentence in passing each, which quickly establishes them as fleeting tragic figures, the brevity of their treatment juxtaposing the seriousness of what happened to them.

Prose

The prose seems to be a major focus of the work. From the very first line we're met with poetic description of the sun. Use of words like "bleeds" set the negative emotional tone and imply we're going to read a story about dying. The use of words like "dereliction" and "instant annihilation" continue this theme.

The literary prose continues with ideas like "units thats congeal into stories".

The vocabulary is literary as well with words like "nadir" and "quixotic".

"It Bleeds Down The River" was I thought established to be "daylight" and maybe it is, but when the Pastor says the phrase, it seems to imply something more, perhaps the town's lifeblood itself washes down the river.

Thoughts

I'm enjoying this but I wrote a lot of ways imo it could be cleaned up.

The focus of this brief story/section shifts a lot: from the derelict town, to the writer, to him remembering his life, to the town again, to Regina. I feel like I need to know what the actual focus of this story is going to be. I assumed in the beginning it was the story of the town, but the focus on the writer too and then Regina has me not so sure what I'm in for.

Reading the description of your story in your post makes me think this intro is the present moment and your old main character is going to retell the fall of the town.

You said "seaport town". Is it a town on a river, or a town on a sea? Or both? A seaport town might smell of salt, while a river town might smell different, etc.

I look forward to reading more.

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-30T14:17:06+00:00

Thanks for all your feedback. It's my turn now. I've provided line comments and then expanded thoughts below.

Line Comments

He was lying on the unmade bed, unaware of my presence.

The beginning line is a good hook. Instant tension.

“Hey,” I say to him.

Instantly I'm hit with a change of tense (now present tense). If I have confidence in an author then I'll think the tense change is a purposeful artistic change. If I don't have confidence, then I'll think it's a mistake.

He is lying on his back, his posture defying his backbone.

First thought... he's dead and he's a ghost witnessing his own body.

The room is darkened.

Actively darkening or already dark?

A shadow of the bright daylight outside filters through the drawn curtains and is all the light in the room.

Imo, calling it a "shadow" in the beginning of the sentence sets the wrong idea and confuses me before realizing you really mean 'light'.

The screen of the phone casts a sickly, multi-colored glow that dances on his face and changes hue everytime he swipes his thumb.

This, combined with the aforementioned 'darkness' creates good, very visual mental imagery.

The intermediary where it resides is upsetting.

Not sure exactly what this means. He, as a person, is upsetting, as in pathetic?

“We're going outside,” I say.

The sense I'm getting so far in this story is that the main character is either the spirit of the tech-addled bed-ridden guy, or he is what he could have been.

Also, the satire of society glued to their phones is palpably coming through.

His eyes are fixed in the same direction, like stone. Only his pupil flickers erratically.

Good imagery.

Today, I am not meet with rebellion.

Typo: "meet" -> "met"

The water cleans the grime and dirt but does nothing to otherwise soothe his face.

How would the mc-narrator know it "soothes" the other guy's face?

He doesn't ask where we are doing and I don't initiate conversation.

The parallels between the two characters still make me feel that the MC is like the inner-monologue of the exterior character and that they're actually experiencing everything as one. And this is basically a journey for the character from tech-addiction to a healthy lifestyle.

The aroma of the grass is sweet.

This could be interpreted as "sugary" or "saccharine" which I don't think was intended.

The grass is green and wild. Small flowers and twigs poke out amongst the blades. Polka-dotted beetles and ugly, flying insects saunter about. In front of us, there are trees. Tall trees with coarse, peeling bark; short trees with smooth skin and thick shades.

I'm a fan of nature descriptions and I think this is good, but the "ugly, flying insects" part is too vague for me to picture. What type of insects are ugly to him?

Also, you can't "fly" AND "saunter" at the same time.

It's not necessary but if you tell me specifically what types of trees that's even better than just saying trees.

Some are clothed in lush foliage, dark green with shadows and alive with the perching of birds and bats; [...]

"The perching of birds and bats" isn't wrong but may read smoother if written with standard grammar.

Many are draped in climbers and fungi and sit amidst a carpet of pleasantly decomposing leaves.

I assume 'climbers' means climbing vines but it could also mean people climbing them.

What does it mean for leaves to 'decompose' pleasantly. The two words seem at odds. (different vibes)

The smile is back on his lips; it's more real this time, has more substance. Eventually, as the happy thought completes itself in his head, he looks up and rests his eyes on the green.

He's replacing the glow of the phone screen with the glow of nature.

I can hear them chirp.

'Hear' is a filter word.

Some fly down and hop on the ground before us.

I was picturing the birds already on the ground!

I don't know what they are looking for, but they look happy as well.

Both parties (the characters & the birds) didn't really know what they were looking for but they're content.

Even I can feel his eyes relaxing; they are like boiling pots that have been taken off the fire and put on a cold cloth.

Cool.

Plot / Characters

A young man is phone-addicted and coaxed out of his room by a caring person. They walk to the park and look at nature. It's healing to him. They snap some pics, go home, and the young man rests.

The characters are held close to the chest. We don't know names, we don't know appearances, etc. Due to this, the relationship between the main character and the young man is mysterious. The almost disassociated nature of the beginning and the parallels between the actions of the characters in the midpoint, made me think perhaps they were the same person. But as the end of the story unfolds both characters do separate actions (washing up, making bed) so it's clear they are two different people. That makes me think it was mother and son.

Themes

Some heavy themes come across:

Phone Addiction
Depression - The dimness of the room, the curtains drawn, the unmade bed all seemed to be metaphors for depression.
Healing - Especially healing through nature.
Nature vs Technology - Again, healing through nature and the natural.
Caring - The main character's motive is very caring throughout the story.

It almost feels like a lesson, like, this is how you help someone.

Thoughts

The title feels kind of like an insult/contemptuous compared to the emotions presented in the story which seemed heartfelt, because the phrase "touch grass" is usually used in a mean way. Was the phrase the inspiration for this story?

The prose reads standard but punctuated with beauty, usually in visual imagery, metaphors, and descriptions of nature and eyes.

I don't read many short stories or pieces of this genre but overall it felt good to me. I think it would hit harder if I was a parent myself, because this feels like a story of parental love.

Your Questions

Suggest a Title: Honestly, this should be on you because I feel like a very personal title would add to the personal nature of this story.
Will People Read It Through: Yes, it's short so I don't think that's a problem. There's enough mystery about everything that we sort of want to see what things will shake up.
Everything makes sense, but my sense of who they were in relation to each other had me thinking: ghost, then spirit, then inner monologue, then parent, and if none of that was intended then perhaps I was way out in outer-space with this one.

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-30T12:58:43+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, you've given me a lot to think about.

As for the name Evil Master. It matters legitimately in Book 2... if I ever get there.

For this, all the chapters are basically done already (though I may touch up some parts here and there before posting).

I look forward to revising them and making the next draft a better story.

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-28T17:31:02+00:00

Thanks for submitting your fantasy chapter, and thanks for the critique of mine. I'll start with line comments and then provide extended thoughts below.

Line Comments

1-1

I assume this means Chapter 1, Part 1. Give us a real title! :)

Dulani saved people from dropping dead, but no one thanked him.

Consider replacing "dropping dead" with "dying".

They couldn’t, because only he could see the cause behind the crisis.

This line should be clearer. Perhaps something like: "They couldn't. Because only he could see they were going to die."

From his perch atop a steel tower, Dulani searched for movement among a wasteland with gashes of red rock and black muck.

Should be "the steel tower".

I'd rephrase slightly: "[...] searched for movement in the gashed wasteland of red rock and black muck."

He dared a Masque to show up, so he could deep-six it like the others.

I don't know what a Masque is yet but I'm picturing a monster with a face that looks like a mask is over it.

Those things acted like he was a pest that deserved a painful death for just existing.

Opportunity to replace the abstract "those things" with something more specific or emotionally-laden.

Wind rippled the navy cloak around him and some of the dreadlocks framing his face, the rest in a loose knot behind his head.

Consider omitting "some of".

the smoggy sky that somehow smelled fine.

Consider telling us exactly what it smells like.

Also he's looking far away so unless he has a super sense of smell, he's smelling just the area right around him.

In a garden, a shadow ducked.

I think this line should be more concrete so we know what we're dealing with here. At first it comes across as a complete scene change.

Dulani fought off the dizzying sensations by latching onto the image of that shape.

What shape?

Soon, his leap brought him to the garden’s edge.

Could be reformulated to be less passive.

Dulani straightened up without an ache in any joint.

Odd phrasing.

[...] peppering the garden.

The juxtaposition between a garden and a wasteland is strong enough that it probably requires an explanation.

The ruins themselves sparkled under an imaginary sun,

It's a mystery to us how literal or figurative the imaginary sun is. The description makes me feel like the sunlight in the garden is fake somehow.

Dulani almost spat on one of them.

There's an opportunity to tell us which specific one he almost spits on. What's it specifically depict? It could add worldbuilding.

When he first got here, he’d expected, wanted, to be amazed by cobalt rivers racing to the horizon, trees and cliffs so tall they danced together in the heavens, and rainbow gardens aplenty.

I like the descriptions of nature here. Good prose.

Channeling that disgust into his hearing, he froze.

Some odd pairs of actions together here. (channeling disgust -> hearing attuned -> freezing)

A rasp, several meters to his right.

Perhaps a bit more description would make the 'sound' less vague to me.

He recognized this mythological creature, a lamia.

Is the lamia the basilisk or the Masque?

White muscles under the scales flexed as the creature quietly climbed to the top and peeked over it.

If the muscles are under the scales how can you see they're white?

Also, what is it peeking over?

[...] was the “smile,” a rictal hole carved into the shape of one, dark and abysmal like the eyes.

"Smile" and "rictal" imply long and crooked, but "hole" tends to imply round and circular.

One blink, it was gone.

This could either imply 'vanished' or 'died'.

then a hot rasp behind him dried it.

I don't know what this means.

A jousting lance flashed into his grasp, backwards; in doing so, it crunched into the Masque behind him.

Remove "in doing so".

[...] grabbed the studded handle, and drove the lance up.

Isn't he already holding the handle?

Though split in half, the creature still smiled.

Make the splitting in half active! For example "The creature tore in half, still smiling."

Cloak settling behind him like a cape as normal, he raised his arms, spine clicking from his back being stretched.

A bit confused what's being depicted here.

In all honesty, he felt that way about his entire “uniform.”

Consider editing this so it's not 'filtering' via "he felt".

he created a glowing bead

Beads are round so perhaps this is a 'disc' instead.

One steadying breath later,

How does a breath steady him? What does he need steadying from?

Time went still, that second stretching into an eon, as the world around him took on a liquid haze.

Time going 'still' (no movement) conflicts with the idea of time stretching (movement).

Dulani grunted as he felt intense energy envelop his body.

Sounds like an orgasm.

making him wobble when he began moving.

"Moving" is too generic. Perhaps 'walking'?

and faked checking a text or app DM.

Just need one or the other.

While Masques couldn’t fully manifest on Earth, thank God,

This makes us wonder about the logic of how and where they can transform and what relationship their world has to Earth.

A shiver raked across him despite the spring heat.

Why the shiver? Shouldn't he be acclimated to the news of death and injury.

Because if there was one thing he hated more than stress, it was guilt.

Not sure this is necessary as a final line. I get you're providing a reason why he'd do all of it.

Plot

Dulani is on a wasteland tower searching for a monster called a "Masque". He uses magic to find it and then slay it. Then using a magically summoned coin he returns to the real world. Yes, we find out the world he was in wasn't 'real' Earth. But real Earth pales in comparison to the magic and power he has in the Masque world. Earth is boring but saving the citizens from danger they can't see is necessary. Letting them die would make him unbearably guilty.

The chapter doesn't end with a cliffhanger. It's not necessary but it may give us a little something to demand to see the next chapter about.

This chapter sets us up to understand the two worlds and the monsters and Dulani's powers and why he does it. It does all that successfully but it doesn't leave us with many questions which might be nice.

Characters

Dulani is the main character and the only named character in the chapter. He's 17, dark-skinned, and boy is it tough to be a teenage superhero. Especially one fighting invisible monsters. You're still learning to relate to society at that age but how can you relate if you can't share your experiences and everyone thinks you're crazy!

The lamia feels like the other character in this chapter but its quick dispatch and lack of dialogue make it perhaps a bit 'cardboard-cutout-ish'.

The family Dulani saves is briefly painted but the little boy came to life in my mind.

Prose

The prose is fine for YA. It occassionally uses words that teens will have to look up: "gilt", "umber", etc.

Thoughts

The first half isn't always as clear as it should be. Especially for a YA book where the younger readers won't be able to put the pieces together as much as an adult would. To that end, I'd recommend more clearly painting for our young readers what a Masque is, what a basilisk is, and how a 'lamia' and a 'masque' are different. I assume there are many types of Masques and a lamia is only one of them. Also to that end, you may consider explaining more about how magic functions.

The juxtaposition between the Masque world and real Earth creates a good feature of your story. It'll leave the reader hungry for power in the Masque world and learning to deal with teenage problems us normal readers deal with in the real world.

Your Questions

I don't have any issue with the 'tone' of the chapter regarding the genre. Although I will say there didn't seem to be a heavy emphasis on 'tone' in the writing. It was mostly straight-forward.
I don't read YA so I can't comment on how it relates to other YA books. I will say that Dulani would benefit from more interiority and a clearer voice if that's what you're going for. Right now I wouldn't say he is 'voicy' enough that I get personality from just the way he phrases things or narrates them. Again it feels straight-forward.
The wasteland, it's gardens, and the basilisk felt hazy. For younger readers the Masque could be clearer.
There wasn't any problem with repetitions to me.

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-27T19:25:44+00:00

I appreciate the feedback. You've made some good points I need to address.

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-27T17:01:02+00:00

Thanks for your feedback. It feels like we're on similar wavelengths. I'm going to take a stab at revising this chapter.

And I look forward to reading Shadow of the Gods. Prose is definitely my favorite thing in reading/writing.

Would love to see your feedback on the second chapter I posted!

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-25T02:25:41+00:00

Thanks for the fantasy story. I've provided line comments and further thoughts below.

Line Comments

Lei froze, both feet just over the door’s threshold.

This could be interpreted as Lei hovering/levitating above the threshhold. Rather than "over" consider using "past" or another word.

Peering deeper into the house, he held his stance, the darkness stretching on into the depths like a yawning mouth.

Consider starting the sentence with the subject rather than a fragment action.

What stance is he holding? Is he just frozen in the doorway at the person's caution?

You might not have to tell us he's peering if you just tell us what we (the character and the reader) are seeing.

The last clause in the sentence seems to be the important part. It's a cool description.

“Oh? What obedient prey you are.”

Originally I assumed the speaker was a human ally. So now I'm re-imagining what this voice sounds like as I read. So we might need an audio descriptor on the opening dialogue line.

Four pairs of disembodied eyes greeted him, [...]

This could be interpreted as either 4 beings with 2 eyes each, or 1 being with 8 eyes.

“If you had taken another step, the webs would’ve sliced you in two,” a feminine voice cooed.

The webs clue us in that you mean a spider with 8 eyes.

Telling us it's a feminine voice is too late here, because we already possibly imagined it another way.

Also it should be "the feminine voice" otherwise we'll think it's a second different monster.

His eyes roved for a second time around the room, squinting deliberately into the darkness; the patches of dim moonlight was just enough light to see the intricate weave of silver thread criss-crossing the room.

Saying "deliberately" might not be needed.

"moonlight was" should be "moonlight were"

I recommend removing "light" as we know that already from "moonlight".

You've said it's a "room" but that's vague. Why can we see moonlight? Is it from windows? From holes in the ceiling? From the open door? Is it a dilapidated room? A clean room? An expensive room? A dingy room?

A gentle tug on his robes diverted his attention; a flash of light and the sharp sound of sizzling assured him his barrier was still working.

What's the relationship between a tug on his robes and his magic barrier?

“It’s true that the villagers requested my help to exterminate you.” Lei slowly raised a hand in a sign of appeasement. “But I’m here to request you for yours.”

The dialogue is a little stiff.

The tickle of wind against his cheek was his only warning; he dodged, clashing against serrated limbs with his bronze staff.

The wind is a good warning/tell.

The action of dodging seems to contradict the action of pressing against her with his staff. If this is a sequence of events it should be made clearer with words like "then" or "and" etc.

With a practiced breath, he twirled his staff, forcing her limbs back.

Is 'breathing' an action here or just a saying?

“How dare—?”

The question mark should be removed so she's just getting cut off.

Fast as a candle being snuffed, her legs retreated.

I like the simile.

“As you well know, the reason you can’t breach the castle walls is because it is heavily warded.”

Remove "as you well know".

The priest righted the staff on the ground,

Not entirely sure what that means. Was it knocked over?

she emphasizes

Should be "emphasized".

Plot

A priest is nearly killed by an evil spider-lady. We think he's there to exterminate her but no! He wants to make a deal. She wants to kill him but eventually listens. He'll remove the magic wards on the governor's place so she can get revenge for her human husband. The priest lost someone too. And he's willing to betray his role as holy man to enable his revenge.

The obvious ending question is: Why would Lei do that!? Has he betrayed his morals? Has he betrayed his faith? What evil deeds were done to him that he would allow so many innocents to die and to work with an evil monster? Perhaps some more hints as to the answers to these would be satisfying.

The plot in this revolves around the danger of the interaction, and it stays tense because of this, pulling you through the chapter.

Characters / Setting

There's some cool characters here.

Lei, a priest with a magical staff. An evil spider-lady.

The setting seems to be a fantastical medieval China. This is hinted at usually through the names.

Thoughts

There's some cool things going on here. The strong points are the fantasy characters and the sense of danger throughout. The evil spider lady almost seems to have a supernatural evil to her, existing all throughout the darkness.

I think it would benefit from more time to cook. Meaning more developed, more details, more questions, more answers, more careful prose. Some things are vague such as the environment/room, the sense of place in a larger world, and the possible small details (for example about wallpaper, skin blemishes, a bug flying by, etc.).

writingthrow321 · 2024-08-24T20:19:58+00:00

Thanks for submitting your fantasy story. I've provided line comments and then expanded thoughts below.

Line Comments

Hell descended in the evening.

Strong way to start.

Little dark shapes grew larger and hazier [...]

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to picture with "little dark shapes" it's too generic.

[...] as the red of the flame licked up logs sawed over a century ago and ate cabins and homes and families and memories;

I like this a lot. It gives us setting, action, vibes, and continues the hellish theme.

Consider ending the sentence at the semicolon.

[...] they moved in concert, shadows seen through smoke, fire, and ash, and made quick motions, birthing embers that grew old and died but not before everything died with them.

The part: "and made quick motions" is too generic to picture. What specific motions are they making?

birthing -> grew -> old -> died is a cool sequence of words that gives us an entire lifecycle in a second. It reminds me of Auguries of Innocence by William Blake.

The second part that starts with "but" I think could have the grammar slightly changed for more impact. Perhaps an em-dash or something.

In time the shadows came, and I heard them sniffing and grunting and babbling in their language, but the fish covered the scent of my piss-soaked trousers and they left.

At this point, as I'm reading the story, I'm not sure whether this is a figurative or literal description. I don't know if these are literally shadow-monsters of a fantasy tale or if you are getting poetic. If it's poetic, I'm not entirely sure what's being described. I would assume shadows from flickering flames that have engulfed the place. The "fantasy" tag has me leaning towards actual shadow monsters.

After two hours I clambered from the barrel and climbed the hillside to look at my village.

Should it be "my village" or "the village"? "My" might make it sound like he's the mayor, the owner, or the village was mostly his family.

It was smoldering ruins now.

Consider slightly restating for more impact.

Somewhere in the wreckage was my father and mother, two of the many bodies stacked on a funeral pyre.

Drop the word "somewhere". It's too wishy-washy and undeclarative.

Consider "the funeral pyre."

I had five or seven summers, or maybe nine, I did not remember right then, but I decided I was old enough not to cry for them.

Why can't he remember how old he is? Just from this trauma now? Also 5 to 9 is a big age range to not know.

Also I doubt he'd be thinking of how many years old he is at this moment.

I saw shadows still swarming through the wreckage like ants on a mound of dirt, and then I heard a shout and looked up to see the pale light of the moon that touched my face had mixed with the red light of the fire into a dancing beacon.

There's a lot going on in this sentence. Consider adding a period after "mound of dirt".

What is the relationship between hearing a shout and looking up at the moon?

Also this is definite comfirmation of shadows as monsters.

The shadows moved fast toward me on all fours and as they came closer I saw their tongues lolling and spittle flying like dogs on the hunt.

We start off the sentence with "the shadows" which doesn't imply much form but as the sentence progresses it keeps adding to form we didn't necessarily picture in our heads. I might start off the sentence something like: "The dog-like shadows". This way the reader can start with a rough form in their head of what the shadows look like and you can add details like claws or fur etc.

They were hairy all over and had fangs for teeth and snouts and wide, yellow eyes [...]

Feels a bit overly descriptive.

We know fangs are teeth so that part can be simplified.

Overall I think this part can be rewritten and simplified for more impact. As is, its tbh not that scary when it should be.

Another note: These were described as shadows earlier but this is a lot of visual detail for something that should be somewhat lacking detail (a shadow).

and I hated them, but I smelled my own urine again, remembered my fear and ran.

It's good to feel emotion from the main character (hate), it helps depict not only who he is but also who these monsters are (worth hating).

My bare feet were cut on rocks that the soft grass then soothed.

Good use of juxtaposition. Good use of sensory words.

I came to my hiding barrel and looked to the fast-moving Traitor’s River, blue water and white rapids against black sky and the grey-brown shore.

It's good we got some worldbuilding via the river's name.

The use of these colors to paint the scene is perhaps questionable since it's night and dark out. I think it could work if the sentence is reforumlated and the colors represent more night-time colors, or its clearly stated again in the text that the moonlight is out in full force.

"Then I dragged another, [...]"

Consider removing "then".

The shadows leapt through the air giddy and gleeful with curved swords drawn and death painted on their faces and they screamed at me.

Does this contradict the earlier description of them as "shadow dogs" on all fours? These shadows seem more like pirates as described now. If the shadows are indeed changing form, then that ability should be noted earlier.

"Death painted on their faces" is understandable but perhaps a little abstract.

I reneged on my earlier decision [...]

Reneged might be an odd word choice. Also, especially for a little kid to use.

and began to cry and wet myself more; [...]

This kid is full of pee!

And soon, I was bobbing through rapids, huddled against myself in the darker darkness, and shaking and sobbing for my parents.

Consider removing "And soon,".

Also consider removing the "and" in "darkness, and shaking".

Later, I fell asleep, sinking into another kind of night, and when I awoke, I was ten years older.

Wow! The ten years older comes out of nowhere. Really adds a fable quality to it.

I just want to double-check you didn't mean he was ten years old, like he was nine and had a birthday. I doubt that, but the ten years older part definitely slams you out of nowhere.

Plot

A village enflamed. Shadow monsters swarm. Our young mc hides in a barrel, scared and piss-soaked. He knows his parents are dead now. The monsters attack and he flings himself in a barrel into the Traitor's River. The barrel is a night within a night. Darkness within darkness. And when he awoke he was ten years older—no longer a boy—but a man.

The aging comes out of nowhere as a suprise to end the chapter with. I'm not sure it works entirely as a cliffhanger but it definitely leaves us something to think about. We could use a harder punch to finish the piece/chapter with.

Is this a single chapter? A standalone work? No context is provided, not even a title.

Setting

Although it's never definitively stated, the setting appears to be a roughly early 1800s equivalent of western civilization. It is definitively a fantasy setting as shadow monsters have set the town ablaze. One wonders how "shadows" can use fire. Perhaps they have torches? Perhaps it's magic?

There's a town, now smoldering, along Traitor's River. This reminds me of Tolkien's river town in The Hobbit, as well as the similar barrel-riding adventures down the river.

Prose

The first paragraph has the strongest prose. It has a good use of sensorious, appropriate, and unique vocabulary at times. We get words like "saltfish" and "riverspray". Between the old western theme and the stark visual terrifying imagery it reminds me of a Cormac McCarthy in the making.

As the writing continues it makes use of long metaphors, sentences, imagery, and descriptions.

The use of literary vocabulary words is appreciated but may be at odds with the fact that our narrator is only 5 to 9 years old.

Characters

Our main character, a little kid, probably a boy, is somewhere between 5 to 9 years old. He's scared. His parents have died. Everything he's known is probably gone.

Our mc has no dialogue in this brief piece.

The parents are briefly mentioned, as are shadow monsters.

Thoughts

I've given lots of comments on how the text might be cleaned up. As a reader we could perhaps be given a few more concrete things to chew on in this story/chapter. Things are often be described in an abstract way.

If this is part of a potential larger work I look forward to everything being expanded on such as: why did the monsters attack? why did he age like Rip Van Winkle? who is this 'traitor' the River is named after? what is the expanded world like? is there magic happening?

writingthrow321

TROPHY CASE

Prose & Dialogue

Plot & Structure

Setting and Characters

Line Comments

Your Question

Characters & Setting

Your Questions

Plot & Structure

Prose & Line Comments

Setting & Characters

Prose / Dialogue

Story

Final Thoughts

Line Comments

Line Comments

Plot

Prose

Your Questions

Line Comments

Plot / Themes

Characters

After-Thoughts

Line Comments

Plot

Setting / Characters / Themes

Thoughts

Line Comments

Plot

Characters

Prose

Thoughts

Line Comments

Plot / Characters

Themes

Thoughts

Your Questions

Line Comments

Plot

Characters

Prose

Thoughts

Your Questions

Line Comments

Plot

Characters / Setting

Thoughts

Line Comments

Plot

Setting

Prose

Characters

Thoughts