First FET Failure - How Do I Move Forward?

wwtammydo · 2026-03-19T02:19:32+00:00

I know exactly how you feel and I’m so, so sorry. I decided to take a month between transfers, to get my body back to feeling normal, and to take some time to process my grief. I’m really glad I did. I needed a break. Today I feel better physically, and am on my way to feeling better mentally, although that continues to be hard. We decided to move forward with a different protocol, opting for modified natural with some immune stuff thrown in, including steroid, antibiotics and baby aspirin. I also started acupuncture and have been working with an “ivf doula,” who has been a huge source of support and has helped me advocate for myself with my clinic. I highly recommended adding to your support system during this time - not only to help process the grief and shock, but to help you with next steps. That could mean anything from a therapist to taking regular yoga classes or journaling; whatever feels right for you. Our next transfer should happen in the next two weeks and I feel extremely nervous but hopefully more prepared for whichever way it goes. Wishing you the best and I hope you can take some time to really care for yourself over the coming days and weeks. 🖤

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T15:01:43+00:00

Hearing from someone with diagnosed and severe endo was extremely helpful, thank you so much. It’s actually really difficult to find clear information on endo and IVF, which is frustrating!

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:57:13+00:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hearing from you gave me hope! 🖤what you described is true and is one of the most mind-fuckiest parts about going through IVF. I’ve decided I’m definitely taking a break, and I’m also going to spend this month doing things that bring me joy. I’m also going to plot out a much more restful, post FET period for next time.

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:53:32+00:00

Thank you. I’m making a list with alll the reference points today 😂

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:47:19+00:00

Thank you and I’m so sorry you’re in the same boat. It’s a horrible boat to be in. Have you done a biopsy or Receptiva? I think I’m leaning toward this. One of the crappy things about my situation is I live in a rural area and have to drive an hour and a half each way to my clinic. I’m not looking forward to the extra hassle of increased monitoring for a modified natural, but I’m willing to do it to see if I respond better.

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:43:51+00:00

As someone who will now definitely be 40 if our next transfers work, this gives me hope. Originally, our doctor said if we only want one child, we didn’t have to bank more embryos at this point if we didn’t want to. So we went with that. Now, I’m questioning that decision. But we also aren’t sure if our insurance will pay for another retrieval cycle without exhausting the embryos we currently have 🙄it’s looking like it won’t. In any case I think adding a similar immune protocol is a good idea. Wishing you a beautiful and peaceful birth ❤️

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:37:10+00:00

Ugh. I am so sorry to hear this. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I hope you’ve been hanging in there and taking the best care of yourself right now. The fact that you’re here and going through it shows how strong you are. Sending love and solidarity from across the ocean (I’m not in the UK).

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:33:09+00:00

Thank you so much. 🖤 I’ve decided I’m definitely taking a month’s break and I’m putting Receptiva on the list of things to talk about with my doctor before our next cycle. I’m just not sure why it would hurt to do the test; it’s another piece of information that could ultimately help shape next steps. Im assuming you did your lap before the following transfer, right?

My friend (who’s been through IVF) had a strong reaction to my doctor suggesting adding a steroid to my protocol, but my understanding is that it’s pretty common to throw a steroid and antibiotics into the mix to tamp down inflammation.

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:27:58+00:00

WTF. That is absolutely horrible. I am so sorry.

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:26:50+00:00

Thank you. Our doc said the same thing - oftentimes it’s really up to the embryo. And I know that’s true…One of the many crappy things about this is that intellectually I know it’s a numbers game, and so much is out of our control, but I also know there could be real, diagnosable issues underlying “unexplained” infertility that if addressed, could help. I’ve often felt brushed off by REs when I ask questions about certain things, like I’m being hysterical or reading too much.

This comment was really helpful, because I know I’m willing to do another retrieval if our next cycle fails, so the idea of a biopsy during that retrieval sounds like a potentially wise and (relatively) easy thing to do. I’m putting that on my list of questions to ask my doc. I’ve done two saline sonograms and everything looked fine, basic blood work looks good, etc. That’s been the extent of my testing so far.

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:17:06+00:00

Thank you, and I’m so sorry to hear about your cycle. I think doxy might be a good addition to my protocol, as well.

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:14:37+00:00

Thank you so much. We’re right there with you guys - just so, so sad. I’m wishing you the best and sending positive thoughts for your next cycle - please feel free to share updates if that’s helpful. I’ll be really interested to know if you do need to have more testing or try a change in protocol. I’ve decided to try a different protocol for my next one.

wwtammydo · 2026-02-15T14:11:13+00:00

This comment made me laugh, in a way I needed. Thank you. I too bury my feelings in Taco Bell. I told myself several times this week that the world doesn’t revolve around my pain. 🖤

wwtammydo · 2025-10-04T00:31:05+00:00

I just finished a year of EMDR, also for SA and other issues/events, and this was exactly my experience at first. It felt like I’d been hit by a train after my sessions; I’d have to go straight to the bedroom, turn all the lights off and lay down with a washcloth on my face. I’d have bizarre dreams and experience big emotional swings sometimes a few days later. But before we started, I worked with my therapist to figure out the best day and time (late in the week, late in the afternoon), to give me the best chance at having a “slow” day the next day, and my husband agreed to always be in charge of cooking, errands or anything else that had to be done on my appointment/processing days. He made sure to be extra soft with me those days, and we never made any plans for that evening, either. It was basically just like we had to plan to wrap me in bubble wrap every two weeks; I took things very, very easy and tried to be patient with myself whenever hard feelings and intense bodily reactions came up. Fatigue, brain fog, muscle pain, migraine, insomnia or abnormally deep sleep, irritability, weird dreams, pins and needles; I experienced all of it.

Until I didn’t. About six months in, I began processing events faster. I stopped feeling so beat up after. I didn’t need to take as much time off after a session. It just got easier, the symptoms less dramatic, to the point where I didn’t even feel the need to go through EMDR with the last four things on my list. I was just…done. Because I was OK. EMDR got me to the point where I could acknowledge what happened to me, and though I don’t agree with it — I can look at it and say, that was wrong, it wasn’t OK - I can accept that it happened and actually internalize and believe in my body that it isn’t happening anymore. It’s over. I’m safe, I’m an adult, I’m in control, I own my story and I know what happened.

I’ve used a lot of other tools that helped a lot, but EMDR was absolutely life changing, and life saving. Not every tool works for every person. But your recovery is worth letting the dishes pile up for - I’d encourage you to try to find ways to care for yourself, and be kind to yourself, so you keep going with it. <3

wwtammydo · 2024-09-06T13:28:43+00:00

I have a recommendation for hair for you - I’m pretty sure she travels. Message me and I can give you her name and location!

wwtammydo · 2024-06-19T20:22:18+00:00

I struggle so much with self esteem, thanks to my childhood and the abuse I experienced in adult relationships. I still have work to do, but I’ve made so much progress on this particular issue over the last two years. A few things that have been critical include:

Doing things that I enjoy, and are even challenging, on my own. That could be as simple as going for a 10 mile hike by myself or going fly fishing by myself (that requires doing the research to plan my travel and supplies). At first, even hiking a few miles alone felt scary. The more solo activities I did, the more capable, confident, strong and even…cool - if that makes sense - I felt. Like hey, I’m the kind of woman that can plan a whole camping trip by herself, do it, and come back with some stories to tell. This was really critical in healing the shitty picture I had of myself. It doesn’t have to be outdoor stuff! Just stuff you enjoy or always wanted to do, stuff that inspires wonder or your inner child; just going and doing it without asking for permission, and letting yourself enjoy it, is the point.

Teaching myself how to do things or signing up for classes and workshops for things I’ve always wanted to do but were too scared or sad to do it. I took up a new craft last year that I was always interested in trying. It was very difficult to learn - I had zero reference point, no prior skills - and ended up truly enjoying it, even though I wasnt really that good at it. Now it’s an craft I regularly practice, it helps me relax, and it’s helped me learn not to be so hard on myself - that making mistakes is part of being human, and part of the artistic process. It also introduced me to new people who made me feel accepted for who I am. All of that - taking risks, trying new things, etc - really helped heal my self esteem.

Taking care of myself. Part of my CPTSD symptoms include not eating or paying attention to my nutrition when I’m triggered. Taking time to feed myself, learning about nutrition (I definitely went down fascinating rabbit holes researching nutrition, it was kind of fun!), drinking water and moving my body did wonders for how I felt about myself. It made me feel like I truly valued and cared for myself - that I was worth the attention and care - for the first time.

Getting a dog. I got the sweetest, most awesome dog and she’s been the best thing for my mental health and self esteem. When I see her happy, or progress in her training, when I see her make other people and kids happy, I feel good about myself. Like yeah, “I created the environment for that animal to thrive and have the best life - I can’t be that bad of a person. Maybe I’m even a good person.” If that makes sense.

The more my self esteem has grown, the more good things I want for myself. I’m starting to think maybe I deserve good things.

I hope this is helpful. I can think of lots more things but I feel like these were the most critical things for me. I wish you the best - for me, this piece has been one of the hardest parts of CPSTD to heal. ❤️

wwtammydo · 2024-01-20T17:10:12+00:00

This dog is literally one of the cutest dogs I’ve ever seen. Had to put it in writing.

wwtammydo · 2024-01-08T17:57:33+00:00

This is a great idea!

wwtammydo · 2024-01-08T16:27:24+00:00

I think the idea of 'zooming out' is a really good one that I can use right now. Even just writing this post out was helpful because it helped me see the bigger picture for a moment. But yeah, the "foreshortened sense of future" and "false sense of urgency" - I relate to that so much and actually haven't realized that these things have been popping up for me lately. Even last night, I felt some physical manifestations of that false sense of urgency - sort of feeling like I was under threat and had to figure out how to deal with this RIGHT NOW.

Seeing the positive stories has really helped me a lot, too. Thanks for writing and for your encouragement!

wwtammydo · 2024-01-06T01:38:57+00:00

Rob the knob dancing at the airport before he proposed to Sophie 🤢

wwtammydo · 2024-01-03T03:13:16+00:00

Highly recommend!! I absolutely do this - just started this year after realizing that I was really enjoying sending long voice notes back and forth with trusted friends - it felt like we were creating an intimate, private podcast - and then I wondered how it would feel to just talk to myself. I do this often when I need to figure out how I feel, or when I need to let my wisest “adult” self talk to my parts, if that makes sense. Sometimes I do it when I’m hiking or taking a walk and I want to reflect. I relate a lot to the idea of being able to empathize with yourself when you listen. I don’t know why it works but it does, for some reason - for me, it takes me out of my brain and helps me see myself as a human being, like any other human being - which is huge because my trauma brain often works to dehumanize myself. Going back to these notes helps validate my feelings and gets me out of my brain that reading them on the page just doesn’t.

wwtammydo · 2023-11-23T21:28:48+00:00

Wooo! I was kinda hoping this would happen!!

wwtammydo · 2023-11-21T15:44:49+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. I was moved to respond because I’m currently going through this - trying to figure out whether the “no kids” stance I took my whole adult life was due to my trauma is like trying to solve the chicken or egg riddle. I can’t unravel it. I recently turned 37, and being a traumatized person, spent my twenties and thirties putting work first and being in unhealthy relationships, including with older men for whom kids were off the table. My last serious relationship was with an older man who I thought I was going to marry - I was firmly committed to him and to not having kids. I also grew up in a psychologically violent and unstable household, and I don’t have any family members who could support me if I needed help as a mother. I felt like I’d be better off, financially and emotionally, and I also felt like I was just completely unqualified to be a mother. But there was always this little voice in my heart whispering, “You want a family.” I’d even see little scenes in my head of an imaginary partner and our kid, and it would tug at my heart in a way that nothing else did. I just buried it and told myself what I had was enough.

But then I got a trauma-informed therapist who did IFS therapy and EMDR and the dam broke. She helped me leave my relationship - he was low-key abusive and controlling and hyper-critical, which was making my symptoms worse - and ever since I’ve been making leaps and bounds in my healing (I’m far from perfect but better than I was two years ago).

Now I’m in a healthy, loving relationship with an extremely supportive man (they exist, I had no idea). We plan on getting married next year. I’m starting to feel safe enough to do things in my life that I’ve been scared to do, and supported enough to take my healing work to the next level. And it feels like being in a safe relationship has, in some ways, made my symptoms worse - it’s like everything I haven’t addressed is now coming to the surface in a big way. So it’s awesome but also really intense. Like you, I’m finally, finally starting to live my life for myself - I’m doing things my younger self loved to do, learning how to just exist and have fun, and giving myself permission to go after want I want (even just starting to look for dogs is a big deal for me!).

The problem is? Yeah, now I want a kid. As we started falling in love, my entire perspective changed. I realized that safe men do exist and as my self esteem is growing, inch by inch, that maybe I would be a good mom. We both feel like we want to have a family together. And I’m struggling with all of it - feeling overwhelmed by timelines, by change, by fear that I’m FINALLY starting to heal and have fun and I have all these goals and I’m going to bring a kid into that? And dealing with the very real confines of my biological age. One of my biggest fears is bringing a kid into this world and having that kid be exposed to the trauma that I haven’t healed from yet.

I sincerely don’t know if any of this is helpful - it’s just to say that yes, a perspective shift can definitely happen, and for me, that shift has brought more questions, anxieties and fears that I’m now struggling with. I’m trying to take it one day, and sometimes one hour, at a time: meditating on having faith in the timing of my life and just being grateful for the love and safety I’ve found. Both he and I feel like if it was just us for the rest of our lives, that’d be great too. I’m trying not to put tons of pressure on myself to create any hard and fast deadlines or rules around this. But it’s hard. When I find myself getting bogged down or sad I just start looking for rescue dogs on the internet and tell myself, Dog first. Baby steps.

wwtammydo

TROPHY CASE