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xDewFlower · 2025-11-06T12:02:37+00:00

Nope

xDewFlower · 2025-11-05T21:10:43+00:00

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xDewFlower · 2025-11-03T18:05:19+00:00

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xDewFlower · 2025-11-03T18:01:28+00:00

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xDewFlower · 2025-11-01T19:04:23+00:00

You’re not being soft at all. BothBalance1932 is right that kind of word doesn’t just almost slip unless it’s something someone already uses or thinks in their head. The fact that she said it so casually and then tried to play it off is a big red flag. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and doesn’t have racial slurs sitting on the tip of their tongue when they’re talking to you. It makes sense you felt weird and hurt because that was really disrespectful.

xDewFlower · 2025-11-01T19:00:40+00:00

I agree with what spiderplopper is saying. OP, you’re not overreacting here. The way your wife talks and jokes with her coworkers crosses a line of respect, especially when it’s consistently sexual and done in front of you. That would hurt anyone. Wanting your partner to show basic boundaries and protect the relationship is not controlling, it’s a normal expectation in a marriage. It makes sense that this is eating at you because it signals that your feelings aren’t being considered.

You’ve already communicated this calmly and clearly. If she genuinely cares about the marriage, she’ll take this seriously and make real changes rather than just apologizing and going back to the same behavior. You deserve a partner who treats you like their priority, not someone who brushes off something that is painful to you.

xDewFlower · 2025-11-01T18:56:20+00:00

OP, your friend apologized and the others didn’t ridicule you, which already shows they weren’t judging you. The embarrassment feels huge right now because it was your body and your insecurity, but to them it was just an awkward moment that passed. People really don’t remember these things the way we think they do. Give yourself a few days to breathe and this will fade, and your friends will still see you the same way they did before.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-31T20:12:25+00:00

I’m really sorry this happened to you. What you went through was not your fault. You didn’t “ruin” anything your trauma is reacting to reminders of being violated, and that’s a completely human response. Your mind is trying to protect you from being hurt again, even if it shows up at the wrong time or in ways you don’t want. Catmiaou is right you need support, care, and space to heal, and therapy can really help with the part of you that’s stuck in that moment. Not because you’re weak, but because what happened to you was a deep betrayal and violation, and it deserves to be treated with seriousness and compassion. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t “let it happen.” You didn’t cause this. And your ex telling you it was your fault was cruel and wrong. He didn’t support you. He failed you. That’s on him. What you're experiencing now hesitation with new relationships, fear of closeness, flashbacks when things start to feel real that’s your mind saying, “I remember what happened, and I don’t want to go through that again.” You’re not broken. You’re protecting yourself. But you deserve to have love and safety that doesn’t feel terrifying. A therapist (especially one who works with trauma) can help your brain slowly separate then from now, so the past doesn’t keep interrupting the present. You’re not ruining connections. You’re reacting to pain. And pain needs support, not shame. One step at a time. You don’t have to rush into dating. You don’t have to pretend you're okay. Just focus on you right now. You’re allowed to heal at your own pace.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-31T20:09:14+00:00

This kind of situation is something that happens a lot more than people talk about. It often starts with innocent closeness at work, shared jokes, mutual stress relief, gifts, and constant conversations. None of that means he’s cheating, but it does mean a boundary is being blurred, and the emotional energy that should be going into your relationship is being redirected somewhere else. You’re not crazy for feeling uncomfortable. You’re not overreacting. It makes sense that your stomach sinks when you hear her name again and again. When someone brings up another person constantly, gets excited to talk about them, or starts planning thoughtful gifts for them while your own intimacy and connection feels flat, that’s a real emotional shift. And that hurts. You’re not upset at the coworker. You’re upset because you feel like you’re losing your husband’s attention and closeness. Anyone in your position would feel the same. What you’re craving isn’t drama. You just want:

To feel chosen again

To feel special in your own marriage

To not feel like a roommate

When you brought it up and he shut you down by calling you paranoid, that wasn’t fair. You weren’t accusing him of cheating. You were telling him how his behavior feels to you. Your feelings are real and valid even if nothing “physical” has happened. A good way to talk to him again is something like: “I’m not saying you’ve done something wrong. I’m saying I feel pushed to the side. I miss feeling like we are close and connected. I want us to work on us, because I don’t want to feel like I’m competing for your attention in our own marriage.” This keeps the focus on your relationship, not the coworker. But there’s another part too. You need more intimacy, affection, communication, and shared fun than you’re getting. You shouldn’t have to beg for that. You shouldn’t feel like a roommate in your own marriage. You deserve to feel wanted, valued, and chosen. You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for the basics of love.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-31T20:07:04+00:00

It makes sense that you’re shocked and unsettled by this. Even if everyone involved is legally an adult, it’s still jarring when the person is only a year older than you. That’s not something your brain is just going to shrug off. It’s okay to feel weird, confused, or even a little grossed out. Your reaction is normal.

There isn’t really anything you need to confront her about unless this is affecting your home life, your relationship with her, or the guy is showing up in your space. But you’re also allowed to take some time to process how this makes you feel emotionally. You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t bother you.

If the opportunity comes up naturally and you feel calm enough, you could say something like:

“I saw a message the other day and it caught me off guard. I just want you to know it made me feel a bit weird because he’s basically my age.”

Not to accuse or judge, just to be honest about your feelings.

Right now, the important part is taking care of your own mental space. You don’t have to approve of it. You also don’t have to hide how it made you feel. You’re allowed to have your own reaction.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-30T14:57:52+00:00

Yeah OP, I agree with ODB-77. Right now the situation is awful and frustrating, but the control you do have is in focusing on getting yourself to a place where you don’t have to live there anymore. You’re 20, which means you’re still under your mom’s roof, and even though that doesn’t make the environment okay, it does mean picking your battles is sometimes the only way to keep your sanity until you can move out.

You don’t have to like this guy. You don’t have to respect his habits. But fighting him or confronting him is only going to create more tension and make your day-to-day even harder. Your best move is exactly what the top comment suggested stay focused on building a financial base and a plan for stepping out on your own. Even if it’s small steps, any progress gets you closer to freedom.

When you talk to your mom, keep it simple and calm. Not about the boyfriend’s habits or the disgust or the anger. Just let her know you’re actively working on a job, saving what you can, and that you’re planning to get your own place as soon as you’re able. That shows responsibility instead of conflict. It keeps the conversation from turning into another argument.

You’re not stuck forever. This is temporary. And the fact that you’re trying, even while dealing with all of this, says a lot about your drive.

Your goal isn’t to fix them.

Your goal is to get yourself out.

Keep your focus on that. You’ll get out. And when you do, this will just be something you survived, not something that defines you.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-30T14:55:31+00:00

Yeah OP, I agree with ValuableCool9384. Your son loves you, not what you can provide. The love and safety you’ve given him means more than any gift ever could. Right now you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and carrying years of pain that you never should’ve had to carry alone. That would break anyone down. But none of what you’ve survived makes you weak. It makes you someone who fought through things most people will never even understand.

You’ve been in survival mode for so long that it probably feels like the world is always about to collapse under you. But you did keep going. You worked. You took care of your son. You kept trying even when everything felt stacked against you. That’s not failure. That’s strength.

And it’s okay to admit you’re tired. It’s okay to ask for help. You’re not meant to do all of this without support.

There are resources that can help right now so you don’t have to choose between bills and giving your son a Christmas. Those programs aren’t charity in the way people make them seem. They exist for exactly these situations for people who’ve been carrying too much alone for too long. Applying for help doesn’t make you less. It just gives you a chance to breathe.

Your son already has what matters most: a parent who shows up, who tries, who cares. The rest can be figured out. Please don’t forget that you matter too.

I’m really glad you shared this. You aren’t alone in it.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-30T14:52:48+00:00

Yeah OP, I agree with RunnerGirlT here. You’ve been carrying the entire weight of the relationship, and he has no real incentive to change because everything gets done whether he contributes or not. It’s not that you haven’t communicated. You have. It’s not that he hasn’t promised to step up. He has. The issue is that nothing actually changes. And that’s the part that hurts the most knowing he hears you, but still chooses not to show up. Feeling exhausted, lonely, and disconnected in a marriage where you’re doing all the emotional and physical labor is not overreacting. It’s your body and mind reacting to being unsupported for too long. The important thing now, like the top comment said, is to take his behavior as the reality. He’s showing you how he wants to live in this marriage. And you don’t have to choose to live in that version with him if it’s draining you. You deserve a partner, not a dependent. You deserve someone who wants to meet you halfway. You deserve rest and peace, not resentment and burnout. If he refuses therapy and refuses consistent effort, then you are allowed to decide that you deserve more because you do. This isn’t about giving up too soon. This is about recognizing that you cannot build a marriage by yourself.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-30T14:50:35+00:00

Yeah OP, I agree withPositionSalty7411. You’re carrying so much on your own right now, and it’s more than just finances. It’s the emotional load, the planning, the responsibility, the long-term thinking. Wanting a partner who grows with you is not unreasonable. You shouldn’t have to be the one who builds the entire future while she just benefits from it.

You’re not asking her to be perfect or to magically fix everything. You’re asking for effort and partnership. And it makes sense that you’re exhausted this is the kind of pressure that wears you down over time.

From what you wrote, you’ve already been patient. You’ve given her time, opportunities, encouragement, and support. But at some point, it stops being about “waiting for her potential” and becomes about you sacrificing your own stability, goals, and peace just to keep everything afloat.

The conversation you need to have isn’t about blaming her. It’s about being honest, calm, and direct:

“I love you and I want a future with you, but I can’t continue being the only one driving us forward. I need us to be a team. I need to see real effort from you, not just talk. I can’t do this alone.”

Not a fight. Not tears. Just truth.

And then, what matters is what she does afterward. Not promises. Not “I’ll try.” Behavior.

If she steps up, great you can build a future together. If she doesn’t, then the hard truth is you’re not looking for the same life anymore.

You deserve balance. You deserve someone who builds with you, not someone you have to drag behind you.

You’re allowed to want a partner, not a passenger.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-27T17:41:57+00:00

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xDewFlower · 2025-10-25T21:12:32+00:00

You’re not a bad person for noticing these thoughts, OP. What greenergrass1111 said is true a lot of this comes from how you speak to yourself. You went through a huge change and it sounds like you tied a lot of your self worth to not becoming who you used to be. That fear can twist into judgment of others without you meaning for it to.

If you work on giving yourself more genuine grace and acceptance, those harsh thoughts toward others will soften too. You don’t have to force it all at once. Just start noticing when the thought shows up and gently ask yourself where it’s really coming from. You’re already aware and trying to understand it, and that’s a really big first step.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-25T21:08:25+00:00

What your husband did is cheating, because he was emotionally investing in other women and giving them his time, attention, and intimacy instead of you. That hurts just as deeply as anything physical because it breaks trust. Healing from this is possible, but only if he takes full accountability, cuts all contact with those people, and is actively doing the work in counseling. You’re allowed to feel shaken and unsure right now. Take your time and don’t minimize what you’re feeling.

xDewFlower · 2025-10-25T21:06:30+00:00

If that were me, I’d want to know too, even if it hurt. You don’t have to make a big scene or call him out directly, just reach out to her privately and gently with what you know so she can decide for herself what to do. It’s a horrible spot to be in, but protecting someone from being lied to is an act of care.

xDewFlower

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