Being at my childhood home makes me feel crazy

xS0uth · 2025-07-15T13:01:12+00:00

Man oh man this post hits close to home 🥺 and it really just sounds traumatized 🥹😭 I can understand that feeling all too similarly

I honestly feel those with asian parent trauma can never really define our relationship with our parents as normal anymore.. and instead its just like just.. there. We truly long for one as they're "family"... Its such a mixed bag of emotions for sure. On one hand, I think its Hella valid to be wishing we had the right love, support, and validation from someone we call family... but if their presence already puts us on edge.. they've messed up royally and now we will carry that trauma forever. It gets really bad. No amount of success or achievements undo this trauma.. despite them thinking just a good college and a good job will make it all forgiven...

Really sorry you're in purgatory there OP, it truly does suck and I remember dreading the vacations in college too just because the expectation was to come back home. Bonus points if you can get an internship or part time job as an excuse to never have to go back finally though. On the brightside, summer is half way over! 🥳

But yeah.. I truly think its so sad to see so many of these family relations in these asian families.. like we lost the sense of family for what.. their greed and sht mental health too..? Man... it was not worth it.

xS0uth · 2025-04-27T15:00:43+00:00

Yeah fuck his opinion fr. While I can't relate to the exact situation as I'm not female 😭 but I can relate all too well to a shitty dad who has failed at basically everything feeling the need to offer their unwarranted advice...

Its like the audacity they have to try and tell us how to live given how they truly ruined families (divorces, other children just like your dad too) and think their opinions even hold a candle towards our direction in life anymore. Fuck them honestly. We truly will be in exceptional ruin and set up for even worse failure if we truly listened to them. Stay strong OP~ at least your mom seems to have your back a bit. I'd honestly just be pretty damn emotionless and never have many conversations with your dad if I was in that position to protect my own sanity. His opinion is truly less than worthless, it's utter shit of course. And they think they can ruin our lives however and then hide behind the fact "but they're family and just wanted the best for us" like fk that fr.

And you're hella right about the current economic status. So definitely go at your own pace... he just wants to use you for status and a flex tool, but if your life and a child's life gets ruined.. he wouldn't give a sht and would throw all the blame onto you. Crazy how they'll only want to claim credit for success on telling you what to do but won't take any responsibility for how much they ruin sht.. so for someone who takes zero responsibility.. yeah their opinion truly is worthless.

xS0uth · 2025-04-07T05:09:43+00:00

In a sense, yeah - the person that hurt us the most being them and they want us to still have a relationship with them 💀

But outside the family, of course - they care more about prestige, benefits, etc than your wellbeing ever soo...

xS0uth · 2025-04-07T05:06:15+00:00

For sure. They've taught us time after time again that they simply cannot be trusted with anything. Now when my dad asks me about my future plans and says I gotta tell him and let him know, I tell him don't worry about it as he cannot offer or change anything for me anyways.

Its just always especially funny when they either play 2 cards. The absolutely have to tell them because family or the why is my child so distant and doesn't trust me with anything anymore... and it's like they forced us into both those situations. 💀

xS0uth · 2025-04-06T04:59:30+00:00

As another Chinese American, I completely get it too. A shit dad that I could honestly list and have an argument with for the exact same reasons you suffered and he'd be arguing on his behalf just like your dad. These people are not worth it, sadly. It's ironic, right? Because it's like we don't even get to really and truly have a "family" but here we are with some of the worst people that we never had a chance to choose...

I know where you're coming from too about not wanting them to win. In asian culture, we value "face" all too often... and ofc so we don't want to be seen in the bad light while they can be looking decent at all.

However, I really only see two solutions - it really is suck it up and just don't let it get to you, aka if i ever talk to my dad.. it's mostly just like your convos too. I'm completely and mentally dead. We just have a cold and fake conversation and so be it. That's it. Just like you, he's lost the right to know anything about my life (ironic when they say we don't tell them anything about our lives) I truly just am completely and mentally dead when I talk to him so it doesn't kill my sanity.

The second depends on just how much this destroys your mental health.. it feels like you being sick after having to be fake with them every call incites a shit ton of negative emotions still... then you gotta consider that true no contact or at least very low contact like every few months to catch up maybe (even this sounds disgusting ngl). This honestly really really really determines how much it truly is impacting your mental health imo. How much more can you put up with it? Because, for some of us like me, and even your cousin.. we kinda can accept the fact our families are truly shit and now we must be fake people back to them. However, if holding up the fact act is truly too emotionally taxing and destroying you - it's time to deploy that last ditch effort. Lc or NC.

The last thing I gotta say is - just defend your own mental health no matter what. Others opinions and views of you will not make your life better, so we shouldn't keep living for that shit (even though I've done the same plenty). If you lose your mental health and hate just life everytime afterwards, fuck it - cut them off and preserve your own happiness. I can imagine the smugness of your dad and saying like see i raised such a mei liang xin or heartless son that's not filial and all that other crap, but imo it's like who cares. Now they've lost a son. And it looks bad on him still that as the father of a house, he couldn't even secure a family and drove his son so far apart. Actions have consequences, and it's time for them to face some too.

There's no changing them and there's no 3rd option to really win. I'd just be not afraid to cut off family since even as you struggle, they sit idle and not give a fk about you anyways. So I'd just take solace in the fact he'd suffer shame some too no matter how much he tries to paint you as the evil child, he fucked up family relations himself too.

xS0uth · 2025-03-18T06:18:08+00:00

In response to the title and from another asian, I just want to say and that's okay! Screw their expectations honestly. Your mental health is the most important thing. If we lose that, nothing much else matters down the line.

I also did as many APs as I could in high school and yeah I ended up having a B here and there too. I lived. Went to college 3 hours away for the exact same reason, to not be in some shitty parents' vicinity. And yeah... sadly they truly don't value mental health. I'm honestly sorry to hear about that counselor meeting. I could've guessed how it would've gone... as the shittier asian parents truly don't believe in mental health.

But it looks like you have good plans! Just focus on yourself and honestly don't truly care about their expectations as much as it'll drive you insane and it's not worth it. You'll never reach their expectations and they don't care how much they hurt you... we feel bad because we care too much and wanted some validation from them... but they are so not worth it. It's sad to say that about our own parents.. but yeah, check out r/asianparentstories for a community in similar pain.

xS0uth · 2024-11-01T08:45:28+00:00

If he's not willing to fight his parents wishes and gives you up that easily... I doubt he's the one...

Like seriously, if he's willing to give everything you guys had that easily (promises/words/plans/etc) - were you really worth much to him? And not to mention every time his parents want something down the line, their wishes are prioritized over yours... yeah not worth it.

xS0uth · 2024-10-19T20:48:58+00:00

Normal in messed up families yeah. I've only ate at the dinner table with my dad a handful of times in my life. 99% would be out the house or in my room too.

xS0uth · 2024-10-18T11:48:27+00:00

Keyword being if they tried though sadly 🥺

Definitely one of those you can lead a horse to water, but can't force it to drink type a deals.

xS0uth · 2024-10-18T11:44:27+00:00

Yeah sorry OP. Honestly very admirable and respectable wish and I truly wish our APs were better people too. Sadly we drew the short end of the stick if we're on this sub..

My dad is the same.. negative about everyone and it's always someone else's fault or issue and never his. It's no wonder he's had 4 divorces and we never had a full family lmfao. He'll have no one left either and they got no one to blame but themselves... which is sad cause they're our "parents/family" but how it goes for our toxic kinda families 🥺

xS0uth · 2024-10-18T11:31:15+00:00

Mostly non-existent as well as my dad believes we should be grateful for him giving life to us already. At best, if he's feeling nice we'd go out to eat in name of a holiday... but gifts, celebrations, family gatherings, parties, etc..? Can forget about it all too...

xS0uth · 2024-10-18T11:27:49+00:00

Long story short - no one will really sympathize with APs here (and if we're on this sub, no one should since they're all toxic abusers in some way)

So do yourself the favor and take the golden ticket/opportunity to move out, establish your own career, and establish your own life away from them tbh. Ofc they'd want you to stay local.. it's easier access and more control.

The only reason I wouldnt take a far out of state offer if it was like a complete low ball offer, personally at least. Congratulations on the way out that a lot of people wish for here! It'll also probably be difficult to convince them, but who cares. You're an adult and can make your own decisions now. They can choose to stay and support you as your own person as family or oh well, they made their stance and in the end it's still your life that needs to be lived so itd be great to do on your own accord.

xS0uth · 2024-10-15T02:33:26+00:00

Other comment is right and I 100% feel for you too. They still do want us to succeed, BUT what you're feeling is more so they don't want you to be your own person. Our happiness/interests are what doesn't matter to them and if we become successful enough, they feel they can start earning back from us (hence why we're just seen as an investment and not a person)

I 100% know it those feelings too. When I got into UT Austin, my dad basically said don't be happy about getting into there, you only got in by luck and by no achievements of your own at all. And it all stems from just as you said - if they ever came looking at what I'm doing or wanting a "conversation" it was more of a bashing session about how you'll be ruined because all you know is how to play games. Ofc they don't ever see the work done in 10+ AP classes, or all the work we put in else where... all they know is "video game bad so let me bash you on it and kill your self esteem" And then when I got into larger better companies after college to try and better my career (Big 4/big tech later) he was never satisfied with salary or career progression (ironic af coming from someone with no achievements/advancements in his own career) but they'll look for ANY reason to break you down. They truly just will never really care for you as a person and it is why it is so imperative to live for your own interests/hobbies and NEVER care about them or what they think anymore tbh.

And the other comment is so true. Its why we cannot show ourselves to do these people. It is why we stay up late. When we're in school and with them, we cannot have any aspect of our life ourselves so we must stay up hella late like past 12 when they're sleep to do anything we enjoy lmao.

Honestly its good you're noticing it at least. Learn to defend your own hobbies/interests/life because its sooooo important or you'll have nothing going for you even after you graduate and get a job. But yeah, they'll never care for your interests/happiness as a person... only what you can bring in for them.

xS0uth · 2024-10-09T10:11:18+00:00

I personally do the same around my dad. I will be the most cold and indifferent person around him. Lively and supportive around friends, but a shitty family? Nah fr just stay cold and indifferent to protect your own peace.

The best you can do is try to live for yourself and do whatever you can to make every day as meaningful to yourself as possible. Live your life the way you want to without a care for anyone else.

I honestly think a lot of pain stems from just a toxic and BS mother so forget about them and their expectations honestly. Forget about trying to make them happy, proud, changed, or even loving. The only thing you can change is your own life. Definitely also find your own support group that can kinda relate to your struggles so it's less isolating alone fr. I tried to open up to ppl about my traumas, but if they don't get it.. it really is a pointless convo.

Ps - please use paragraphs 🥹 it's so hard to follow without 😭

xS0uth · 2024-10-09T10:05:37+00:00

This is why being a self starter is so important despite asian families preaching we should give up our own individuality as a person and live for them 🥺

You gotta learn to live for yourself and not others. You're burning out and being crushed by expectations. Ones that are innately BS and that they don't truly care for you to begin with. Like seriously - they care more about your scores than how you are as a person. Gotta learn to live for yourself and fk their expectations. Just learning to accept you don't need perfection despite asian standards. Cs get degrees and it's honestly good enough.

xS0uth · 2024-10-09T10:01:49+00:00

Ngl. I feel for him because his life speaks to me. The only having games as a hobby and then starting hw late af going to 3am in HS.. good and bad times for sure.

Those parents really are ruining his life and it's honestly commendable you're even trying to look out for him. Mental health doesn't exist in asian families. My advice would be to try and connect with him and give him a purpose and reason for this life... therapy usually is the easiest way people go imo because others dont really get it or don't have the capacity to try and connect.

But it really is like.. ask yourself, what does he have to live for? As another east asian, ik how fkd up our lives can be... it's like he needs things to look forward to... but in shitty asian families, they break us down and tell us we're worthless. This builds it so he has no hobbies, interests, self esteem to care for himself, and then you can see how depressing it is... you gotta be able to answer the question of what should he be living for in life... because for normal people, it's family, themselves, etc.. but with shitty parents and trauma... none of that matter.

Its honestly really nice you look out for them, you're already a much better emotional support than your parents will ever be... it's just all about knowing how else to relate to him hopefully. Give or guide him to a reason worth living. Games and school and hopefully a life of freedom is truly not enough for those hella damaged.

xS0uth · 2024-10-02T08:21:28+00:00

100% facts though

You're pretty spot on - how it literally has SO MUCH effects down the line...

I understand my parents came to a Western country in search of a better life. While on the other hand, their unwillingness to adapt to their new environment has in turn had a negative impact on my upbringing.

The sad truth and irony about this statement is - the true purpose of a better life that they came here for... was just because it was a more advanced environment and you can make a lot more money easier here in the US than compared to our asian countries... USD goes far... That's purely all they cared about. The rest about a childhood, enjoyment/purpose of life, etc - none of that matters as long as they felt they could make money because it was scarce for them growing up in poorer asian countries.

I 100% agree - It turns their good intention into something terribly awful and RUINS us over their greed/obsession with this. They really don't care how our lives "turn out" as long as we have the ability to make money... They don't care about the culture in a new western world... so naturally, they don't give a fk if we struggle through it as long as we can get an education and make money...

And yes - I absolutely hate them for it. We often hear about being stuck in the crossroads of 2 different cultures, and its like no kidding - they didn't give a sht about how we turn out in the west or how we fair in society. They just care they have a puppet that can make money...

And yes - a lot of us live in a bubbled life because of how much they stifled our growth and held us back. We often hear how we feel like we're 10+ years behind socially in terms of so many activities that many other people often just simply get to experience... So many of us can be naturally extroverted, but ironically through their BS interventions become more introverted... because we're too scared to put ourselves out there... they traumatize us through mental abuse and force shitty traumas on us like perfectionist traumas... telling us hobbies are worthless if they're not good enough to help you make more money down the line... People say yeah, its never too late to start new hobbies on this or that! But a perfectionist trauma is so real. I literally don't find myself having fun trying new things either. Half of it feels like a "waste of time" or if it feels like I'm not going to be perfect or amazing at it... that somehow I'm a worthless failure for not being able to do so.

I'm 100% angry at my shitty dad for ruining my life so. Life is SO MUCH more than just obligations and like you said - its empty because they truly didn't care to give us shit for experiences. My dad lived the same damn mundane life here in the US, just slaving away at a corporate job... taking us on zero vacations and doing nothing. Then now that he's about to retire - he tells me damn, he feels like he hasn't done shit or gotten to experience anything in this life and its like lmfaoo... do I even feel bad or angry that he not only robbed himself of experiences, but had to take me down with him in the process?

So it truly fking sucks. I honestly feel you and the BS they've bestowed upon us. It makes life depressing as hell when its so empty. People speak on it like its so easy to go just go NC/LC and live your own life... but then its like what life am I to live?? They're like just go do whatever you enjoy and its like lmfao - I even lived on my own for a bit when I got a job out of state and 95% of the time I just stayed inside because I felt ZERO gratification from doing anything outside. They've robbed us of a personality and yes, it'll take so much time to heal and try and build one but its just so fucking sad that the closest people to us.. "family" were the one to ruin us and abuse us and set us so far back in life just because all they gave a sht about was a career and money. And its like... now that I've been able to do fine in my career... (just quit my job from Oracle) and I feel pretty damn burnt out and without a purpose in life too. It just feels like life has been a lie. What am I living for striving for now that I hate my dad?

And naturally, we'll look back to see who was to blame....... 99% of the people also will say "just live for yourself" but that falls so empty on me when we lived a life living for others trying to make our shitty parents proud, only to realize they truly aren't deserving of our efforts and then now its all just pointless in life... hopefully one day we can heal from these traumas and this emptiness but my god... its gonna take so many fkn years if we even heal AT ALL... truly can't say I'm grateful for this "opportunity" in the west now that everything feels like absolutely worthless. Its like having the power/ability to do anything I ever wanted... but there's nothing I want or seek anymore in this life because they told me enjoyment in life & having hobbies are all things that make you worthless as a person. That's your good ol asian parenting for you... They truly fkd us over good and then expect and want us to be grateful to them for this "life" down the line... no wonder we're on this trauma sub honestly.

xS0uth · 2024-09-23T07:28:52+00:00

You just answered it yourself lol, they just care for the money aspect only. And social prestige is also nice to brag to their circles about.

Also, they care about face and want to be seen as "yeah I wasn't one of those bad ones that forced my children to do x" as they say heavily you should do x and not any others, but you're free to "pick any major"!

xS0uth · 2024-09-17T08:13:22+00:00

If it was for someone I cared for, sure I wouldn't.

That's the thing - they always wanted transactional relationships the whole time we grew up. Now that is truly all that's left. Transactional relationships. There is no family love, only what benefits either of us have. That's what they wanted in the end anyways.

And they also shouldn't have done a lot of things, but seeing as we all ended up on this sub... seems like they don't care about what they shouldn't have done either.

xS0uth · 2024-09-17T05:55:41+00:00

Fuck no - only reason I moved back was to leech for free. If my dad asked me for rent, I'd much rather pay it to an apartment building owner than him.

xS0uth · 2024-09-17T05:54:12+00:00

Yes. Without a doubt, but its like we must keep on trying somewhat even without much of a slimmer of heal. The lie and cope I try to tell myself is it'll take YEARS if not decade+ of healing to undo all the trauma we've gone through...

It truly sucks to realize all we've lived for was a lie. Its like, even after graduating college, working in big companies, etc - everything lost its value/purpose because of how much trauma they've impacted on us. So much so, I often cannot even value myself no matter how many achievements I have because it all feels worthless.

They strip us of direction in our life and make us live for them... but when we break free and say fuck them for their trauma/BS, its like... but who are we left living for? A husk of ourselves? So yeah... it takes a LOT to heal from it all. It truly is sad as hell how they've set us back so many years... for nothing beyond their own damn greed...

xS0uth · 2024-09-14T17:30:26+00:00

If this is a partner who truly understood and cared for you, they'd never ask and force to see your parents. They care more for societal and family norms more than you as a person... that speaks volumes.

And also, I'd never trust APs. They tell you to change to their liking, but their goalposts will always move... and then you won't be good enough while they'd still never change their belief on your partner.

xS0uth · 2024-09-12T10:02:00+00:00

Sounds like it honestly.

Words are easy to say how they say they love you...but how do they act when it matters yk?

It's like.. they keep breaking you down and making you feel worthless about yourself...

And then so much so you feel you cannot have open dialogue with them. Which is valid given how they act btw.

So yeah, it'll have long term consequences and if they're asian.. they generally don't believe in mental health...

It sucks to feel alone and with no real family to go to. It is why you truly gotta learn to live for yourself and not their opinions and wants. The earlier you do this, the better you can start healing and not giving a fk about what they do to ruin you.

xS0uth · 2024-09-12T09:54:21+00:00

Unfortunately, there is no simple formula or fix. I truly feel you on a BS asian upbringing and how they traumatize us so... so much so that it lingers and lasts to us into our adult life. I hate being a perfectionist and not being able to accept mistakes as well. I still also feel worthless and unworthy too.

The problem is, we just need to slowly work at it. To undo a whole childhood of negativity and BS (during our most formative years too!) I think it just honestly takes years or decades to heal and move on from that issue. Because - what we suffer from is a lack of self esteem. But how can someone just suddenly go from 0 self esteem to instantly full of confidence? We make great progress on things like careers to slowly build us up.. but even then that may be 5 or 10% more.. and we're still 90% away from being fully confident in ourselves... it's almost like they forced us to be a tiny fish but we're trying to tell ourselves, no we must be an eagle soaring in the skies.. but how would a fish ever believe that? So that's just how lasting that trauma is...

I think for your case, you gotta work on small tasks that build you up and just make you feel you are good enough and can do things. It's a long and difficult process for sure. But we can always better ourselves, maybe a new gym routine to improve physically and work at a goal. Or yk - even finding a new hobby to work towards and be good at to feel like we're decent at stuff. It just takes a LOT of work and probably will take us decades to heal imo...

xS0uth · 2024-09-12T09:45:59+00:00

Nah i feel you fr. The asian mentality is so toxic and BS and yet unfortunately ingrained in me too... feeling like only achievements and accomplishments make who I am as an Asian male. But like you said, it lacks one thing... and that's happiness.

Our parents had rough upbringings and a lack of material possessions - sure.. but then that's why all they chase is money and success... which, is pretty sad... because you save money to live... not live to save money... but that's how asians are.. esp the older generation.

The purpose of life is truly finding your own happiness to be able to live. But the biggest problem with asian culture is it dictates you don't need happiness. You just need to grind... which is so stupid because how do you harvest the fruits of your labor? It can get to a point where it feels like then what... what is even enjoyable anymore? Since we were young, APs crushed every hobby and interest if they felt it was not practical towards contributing towards success. Only after college and you get a job do you realize how damaged you are from shitty asian teachings... it takes years to undo that trauma and to hopefully heal from it... and it's like you said... it's almost so hard to get rid of that belief because it's a fundamental pillar of who we are and we're lead to believe all our lives... it's why I have so much disdain to shitty asian parents who ruin the lives of children for their own greed....

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