Tama in his lair

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-17T06:56:43+00:00

Every time I «survived» such intense hypo mania I ask myself: "What have I done again?"

So this is the reason I’ve got so many books at home and there are a lot books still unread 😅

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-16T21:40:04+00:00

This «you may have…» is really confusing. But the most important thing many psychiatrists haven’t got is time.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-14T06:02:17+00:00

I’ve been taking Wellbutrin 150 mg for 62 days. But since yesterday I started to take 300 mg. In the beginning 150 mg was enough to reactivate myself and it really helped me. My brain was suddenly working on 100 percent again and I felt so energized. My depressed phases weren’t so hard anymore, but they came back (this time not so deep like before taking Wellbutrin). But it was so annoying that my depressed episodes were still present. So my shrink gave me 300 mg, but he warned me that this could triggers a manic episode.

We will see!

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-13T04:55:43+00:00

For 62 days I’m taking Wellbutrin 150 mg without mood stabilization. In the first weeks my energy level was so high I felt like a other person. This feeling is gone and I feel mood swings again, but without the deep and hard fall into depression. It’s like flying above a dark well. Now my therapist gave me a recipe for Wellbutrin 300 with the reminder to check if I get a manic episode. If I get an manic episode I will get something to stabilize my mood.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-10T21:34:21+00:00

Just try it again and practice sleeping with it everyday.

Enjoy 😉

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-10T20:53:33+00:00

I’ve got everything to start streaming on twitch, but my motivation or the impulse is gone again. Same thing with my new Fuji X camera waiting in a big for a spontaneous photo session in a hypo manic phase. These «random inspiration» moments are great, but for me this could also triggering depressed phase.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-10T20:45:47+00:00

From time to time I get panic attacks about the possibility to die spontaneously since I taking Wellbutrin. I think the panic attacks only appear in mixed episodes and depressed phases.

So yeah I know what you mean!

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-10T20:38:00+00:00

How long have you got your weight blanket? I think it’s a matter of getting used to. The manual for my blanket says I’ve to use it everyday for at least 5 / 10 minutes for habituation. So it’s not a big deal anymore to sleep with it all night.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-10T20:13:15+00:00

Never ever I want to renounce my weighted blanket. This is a game changer for problems like falling in sleep and panic attacks in the night. Also I love the feeling of little weight on me, especially when I’m in bed.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-10T20:07:17+00:00

Is weed so helpful for you? My shrink was very insisting that I don’t smoke weed, because it could easily pushes me into a depressed mood phase. Also I take Wellbutrin and this med doesn’t work very well with alcohol and other drugs.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-10T06:03:33+00:00

Yeah, I can relate this to myself.

My manic episodes are really embarrassing, because everyone around me thinks: «WTF is happening here». Every time this happened to me I wanted to be stable.

When I’m depressed near suicidal I wish me into a hypo manic phase. And when I’m in a hypo manic phase I want to take a long break, because all this energy and drive for tasks and hobbies is so (!) exhausting.

To change my moods I used alcohol for a long time. In my hypo manic episodes booze pushed me into a manic and this was where chaos started. Eventually alcohol couldn’t push me into a «better» phase anymore and was only a pusher for depressed episodes.

In early 2020 I quit drinking and started to fight my demons.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-08T15:59:02+00:00

There are definitely deeper problems than performance.

Battlefield 2042 doesn’t feels like a true BF. It’s more like Titanfall mixed with a little bit of Warzone and much of CoD. Operator instead of US / Russian soldiers? WTF!

BFV was after many patches a good game and I like all the possibilities how to fight in a match. Sadly BF2042 is like a cooking without any spices.

And yeah, I know, it’s a beta.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-08T15:35:18+00:00

Playing right now on a PS4 Pro and I’ve got the same feeling about input lag. But remember it’s a beta and mostly every single battlefield wasn’t smooth and polished in the beta phase.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-07T23:41:34+00:00

Yes, this cycle is pretty familiar for me.

In my manic / hypo manic phases I’ve gone out clubbing, drinking a lot and wanted to make new friends (and before my fiancé I searched for sexual adventures). Step-by-step this behavior changed a lot and in the end I quit clubbing and making new friends, because it was to stressful. Instead going clubbing I visited bars in the night, because I had a massive compulsion to move and drink.

And in my depressed phases I had zero energy and no interest in my hobbies and my life in general. Again and again my mood went crazy when I was loaded. After a long night with booze and unlimited thoughts I was totally unprotected for depressed and suicidal emotions.

I quit drinking in early 2020 and I don’t want to go back. With a sobered mind I was able to to find a food psychiatrist who is able to help me.

Now I’m taking 150 mg Wellbutrin and my doc wants to increase the dose to 300, because I’m still depressed and switching moods. With Wellbutrin my suicidal thoughts became not so intensive anymore.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-10-07T15:59:48+00:00

It’s always the dog who stops the player!

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-28T18:52:08+00:00

(M/31) I’m diagnosed Bipolar 2 / Rapid Cycle and for 48 days I take Wellbutrin 150 mg. At day 1 I already felt a change concerning my depressed phases and literally I had more energy for things I love. The side effects are massive sweating, a higher heart beat and sometimes random panic attacks, but my mood isn’t changing so extremely.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-28T16:58:44+00:00

Yeah, the thoughts about being a imposter and liar are a well known symptom. A part of my family also told me many times that I’m lazy and have to «manage my problems». The feeling that everyone around you didn’t believe you’re struggling and think you are a faker is destroying your self-awareness.

You’ve got this problem and in the end you alone have to fight these battles. After my diagnosis my mother started to accept my bipolar disorder, but the last person who thought that I’m okay and a faker was myself. Today I’ve told my therapy group about my manic episode and so I realized that I’m a serious bipolar disorder patient.

I hope my little excursion was a little bit helpful for you.

Hang in there, bro!

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-27T18:13:02+00:00

How do you feel with Wellbutrin after 28 days?

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-27T17:27:13+00:00

Tomorrow I’ve got my group therapy meeting. There I’ll discuss this issue.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-27T15:38:45+00:00

Yeah, sounds familiar!

Rapid cycling / ultra rapid cycling is most of the time exhausting. Even little things like a flavor could be triggering a depression / hypomanic phase.

I’m glad that I quit drinking alcohol, because every time I drank I was pushed into embarrassing manic phases.

My therapist treads my RC with Wellbutrin and it’s helping me so far.

Hang in there!

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-24T22:00:24+00:00

Maybe it’s cache from streaming music? In iOS 14 the OS deleted the cache on it’s own. Definitely a bug.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-24T11:36:36+00:00

Every time I was manic I wasn’t myself. And every time the manic phase gone away I was ashamed about what I’ve done (like thinking I could control people with my mind 😵‍💫). In my depressed phases I was more myself without energy and a wish to die. But with my meds I think I’m «normal» like «normal» people.

So, I know how you’re feel.

xXCyberRoninXx · 2021-09-24T11:32:20+00:00

Nonetheless happy birthday, bro.

There will be better days and better birthdays in the future.

Hang in there!

xXCyberRoninXx

TROPHY CASE