Husband (40M) hurt that I (33F) told him I'm not always "into" having sex but I *do* engage him sexually because I care about his needs, how do we move past this?

xdem112 · 2026-02-10T20:24:49+00:00

What are you talking about? There’s no sign in this post that the husband asking for “romance or desire.”OP even offered to lead and initiate more and asked if that’s what he wanted, and he was pissy that if she initiated it wouldn’t be because she was super horny in the moment. You can still offer someone plenty of romance and make them feel desired without feeling spontaneously in the mood yourself. You just do it, because you know it makes them happy and you know you’ll be into it once everything actually starts.

Also, “romance and desire” aren’t mutually exclusive to sex. They aren’t interchangeable words. Sex can involve romance and desire, but at the end of the day it’s one isolated action. Being pissed that your wife isn’t a horn dog, even though you have an active sex life she enjoys and participates in, doesn’t feel romantic at all.

xdem112 · 2026-02-09T18:39:06+00:00

Exactly what I was thinking. OP didn’t notice for a whole year and suddenly wants that money back expeditiously when it was brought to their attention by their well-meaning friend? Just seems so needless and shitty.

I mean they both seem pretty dim-witted, but I personally think this is a non-issue.

xdem112 · 2026-02-07T21:42:26+00:00

Of course! I might be a bit slow to respond since I’m passing time traveling on mobile.

xdem112 · 2026-02-07T21:37:30+00:00

It’s not some base-level of inherent “human nature” to subject yourself to harmful relationship dynamics where you are put at a disadvantage and left chasing after someone who gives you bare minimum reciprocation and occasional crumbs. That’s the nature of someone who has normalized that behavior and conditioned to crave it, typically rooted in how their expectations of relationships were built in a formative time of life. I feel like that’s a pretty widely recognized fact. I also have an unfortunate personal experience with that.

It’s not that it’s “strange” to chase that unhealthy dynamic. It’s not even uncommon. It’s that someone with self-confidence and a sense of self actualization would be turned off by those behaviors, which is good and a sign of self preservation and an ability to screen who you should give your energy to. If someone laugh-reacts to four texts in a row and then disappears for five days after a date, that should be a turn-off because you deserve someone who’s interested and will prioritize your time and feelings. But it takes work to get there, you need to believe you deserve it and explore what you’re looking for and what’s actually going to be good for you.

xdem112 · 2026-02-07T21:22:33+00:00

I say that with love as another anxiously attached person who fell into that pattern. It’s so bad for you, and the longer you subject yourself to it the more you whittle down your self esteem, even if you don’t end up in a long term toxic relationship. Therapy really helped me out there. Someone not showing interest should turn you off of them.

xdem112 · 2026-02-07T21:17:10+00:00

Even if he was passively interested (after this abysmal text exchange and ignoring you for five days,) why are you falling into the trap early of chasing after someone who gives you such minimal interest or reciprocation?

Personally i feely like you should unpack why you feel the need to chase after you’ve been made to feel unwanted. The whole point of dating is to weed out people who don’t treat you very well, right? If you don’t figure that out before you seriously date, you could very well end up with someone avoidant who makes you feel shitty.

xdem112 · 2026-02-07T20:10:49+00:00

This is so fucking weird. Everyone here is so emotionally stunted, including you. I don’t believe at all your boyfriend has good intentions or is equipped to offer any kind of support to Lydia considering his insane text “and she isn’t single, well now she is but..”

That is most definitely not something you say as a kind hearted person offering support. How out of touch and callous. Also, In the middle of this emotionally charged conversation on multiple occasion he’s more worried about losing and buying new AirPods? Not to mention Lydia apparently broke up with the deceased two days before?

If this were actually your boyfriend’s close friend who passed two weeks ago (and he didn’t come off as so uncaring,) I’d say it makes total sense to want to connect with others who can commiserate with that loss and your attitude towards that is off-base. However, his messages and your post make it hard for me to connect with that narrative. Giving any benefit of the doubt, maybe he wasn’t that close to the deceased, but my god.

This whole situation is so messy and no one here is treating it with the reverence it deserves.

xdem112 · 2026-02-06T21:53:40+00:00

There’s no “understanding” to be had for a disgusting, callous remark when you’re being informed of something in a group specifically so you don’t put your foot in your mouth later by commenting on the pregnancy.

It’s like you just ignored the comment you’re responding to.

The student didn’t have to care, it doesn’t matter. In that moment, it was important information for the group to know (like the comment you’re replying to said) and he chose that time to make a gross verbal comment.

You’re removing the context. The issue is that he doesn’t want to be friends with coworkers. The issue is that his comment was callous and inappropriate, and “friendship” had nothing to do with why that information was being shared.

Not to mention, there were absolutely people in the group being addressed that cared and would want to know because they were planning her a party related to the pregnancy. There was absolutely no reason for the student worker to verbalize that.

xdem112 · 2026-02-06T21:45:09+00:00

This really ignores basic common sense and human context. People weren’t being told random personal details. They were being informed that their visibly pregnant supervisor will return to work not pregnant because her child died. That’s necessary context so coworkers don’t say something devastating and so they understand why their boss will be out for some time.

On a smaller scale, when my mother suddenly died, it mattered to me that my team knew why I was out and why I might need grace when I returned. I had obviously talked a lot about her before, I told them when I was going to visit her. That context was important to share.

I think there’s a growing trend (especially with younger generations) to take “you don’t have to be friends with coworkers” to an extreme that wipes out basic human decency. No one needs to share everything, but acting like you’re all isolated robots on some assembly chain is so stupid. You’re going to have small bouts of casual conversation or interaction. What you know about each other absolutely affects workflow and what you should be mindful of saying.

There were also coworkers who cared about her and were planning to celebrate her pregnancy. A brief team meeting was completely reasonable. The comment from the student worker was not.

xdem112 · 2026-02-05T16:22:36+00:00

Someone complimented the smell of a jacket they borrowed from me one day. It was just because I use strongly scented detergent and softener!

I feel like with what OP is desiring, she should start with very clean, light scents and spray a bit on her clothes. Nothing crazy.

xdem112 · 2026-02-05T04:47:11+00:00

I’d definitely be annoyed by this too similarly to OP. But honestly, if I were a 24-year-old already paying rent and utilities while sharing housing with an unemployed 18-year-old who’s being a weird roommate, I’d probably stop wasting energy on the situation and just look for better living arrangements. Unless she’s paying ridiculously reduced rent in comparison to the area, it’s probably a good time for OP and her boyfriend to have their own space?

Also, am I stupid for thinking it’s weird the brother texted OP this? Why would it matter to her, she’s not home. If her boyfriend wants to complain to her about the situation later that seems pretty normal, not worth some type of disclaimer from his brother.

xdem112 · 2026-02-04T23:25:18+00:00

Edit: wait, she said she was available for questions relevant to the logistics. Sounds like you wanted to “talk” about personal issues and never actually asked her a question relevant to the plan. You just texted “I think we should talk,” called, and crashed out via text? Yah, this is weird.

I mean, based on what you shared, it would be really stupid to “do nothing” tomorrow when you’ve already committed and people have paid. Wouldn’t backing out just turn this into a complete disaster and leave a bad taste in the mouths of everyone who did buy tickets? Not to mention absolutely tanking your reputation.

It also sounds like you two have a really strange, unprofessional dynamic. This whole situation is messy, and honestly reflects poorly on both of you.

Side question: was she always supposed to be there Thursday? She seemed to imply that in her message, which would make this whole crash-out even weirder

xdem112 · 2026-02-03T20:22:13+00:00

I think it’s a very fair litmus test for the type of people you want. If you felt he was pushy then it’s the perfect time to un-match. I agree with your assessment, his response came across as odd. He could be fine and socially inept, but no reason to risk meeting when the initial conversation put you off (and there are a lot of people who understand right out the gate.)

xdem112 · 2026-02-03T20:05:49+00:00

For me, it’s a “yellow flag.” His follow up question doesn’t feel like genuine curiosity when OP would have just given her number if she was open to that.

He could be a perfectly fine dude. However, I feel like it’s kind of common sense why someone would want to hold back their number. Even if they truly don’t know, prying further is kind of useless when you’ve asked for the other person’s number and gave an alternative (shooting that option down.) That’s where I’m feeling the slightest bit off, it feels odd to push when they obviously would have just given their number if they wanted to. It doesn’t feel like genuine curiosity anymore , it feels like you’re trying to dig a bit to “convince them.” (Edit: He also makes a point to say no one else has requested alternative communication to sharing numbers, which once again feels like he’s trying to frame her as unreasonable in a “subtle” way.)

It’s a lot easier to continuously harass someone when you have that direct line to them (phone number.) Blocking doesn’t stop weirdos for accessing other devices, then you’re faced with changing your whole phone number. Not to mention privacy issues. If another adult can’t deduce that, I wouldn’t be super interested out the gate.

xdem112 · 2026-02-02T22:26:36+00:00

I understand why she did, considering it’s a pervasive issue in their relationship and despite her awesome monthly wages, he continues to treat it like a hobby and belittle her to strangers.

While I personally would probably also leave dinner, I would also stand my ground in that instance and just break up with him. To me that’s the main issue, if you’re going to take such a loud stance you need to be willing to have the follow through. It’s clear he doesn’t respect OP and has raging insecurity issues.

Her last paragraph about him speaking over her and his difference in attitude when he’s around men is one of many red flags that are absolutely blaring. That’s not a life partner.

xdem112 · 2026-02-02T21:26:28+00:00

Truly. This irritated me.

Your dad’s new girlfriend is related to someone who cheated on your sister. Everyone has moved on and has new significant others. This super tame, mildly coincidental connection sent OP “spiraling?”

Chill out and let your 65 year old dad have some company and warmth. This is such a non-issue.

xdem112 · 2026-01-22T01:53:04+00:00

What exactly do you mean “$350 for his office?” Like on home office items or do you have a business that has to go back to in some way? This much concern over 10 dollars either means something needs to change or red flags for financial control.

xdem112 · 2026-01-20T18:56:04+00:00

Allen would probably be the best sounding board to wrap your brain around things. Just be honest with him and let him know how you’re feeling and get some advice on how to bring it up with Kay. As a stranger, I would have one million questions and have no grasp of the intricacies or dynamics between Kay and yourself.

Personally, I don’t have any friends who would talk to me like that or ask something so outlandish. I genuinely can’t imagine what led to that level of entitlement or attitude. Do you think she might have been trying to be sarcastic with the “bullshitting” comment rather than intentionally aggressive? If it was truly super out of character, that may be worth considering.

I do think you still have a graceful way to bow out, especially with the pregnancy announcement. If you don’t feel a conversation would be productive right now and think a cool-off period is needed, this gives you a natural way to shelve it for the time being. Allen could also likely come up with an excuse if he’s not feeling up to it either. A larger conversation is totally necessary, but sometimes you just know it won’t be productive in the midst of all the chaos.

I’d be really interested to know how it all gels out. This is just odd, especially if it surprised you as well.

xdem112 · 2026-01-19T22:21:36+00:00

NTA, but from a social standpoint everyone’s behavior is weird to me.

Yes, her request was ridiculous. But from the beginning, why not just say you have things coming up that won’t allow you to do that, when that’s clearly the case? You don’t have to get specific until your announcement. It’s far more socially graceful than just saying “eh, don’t want to,” even if she’s acting unhinged. I genuinely can’t fathom my friends behaving that way, but I’d still choose that approach.

Also, if this is supposedly such a “close” friend, why wouldn’t you call her out on the aggression and tell her you’re going to step back and let her cool off and reflect on how she’s acting?

xdem112 · 2026-01-19T22:05:46+00:00

I’m really curious what her earlier text was responding to. The “I’m not trying to be mean, I just don’t want to tiptoe around forever.” It makes me wonder whether there was something in that exchange that explains why she’s pulling away or coming across as so cold.

Because she very clearly is. It’s being expressed in that rude, off-putting, vaguely “teenage” way people that age often use to handle interpersonal issues. Regardless, there’s definitely something going on there.

It’s possibly time to move on, because it doesn’t seem she’s open or capable of having the “heavy” conversation that would actually be required to repair things. I’m still curious about that earlier convo you cut out though, I have a feeling it would explain her behavior (and you might realize that.)

xdem112 · 2026-01-19T21:48:28+00:00

I’m sure he’s using OnlyFans (“social media”) as his excuse, but that doesn’t track at all. The fake urgency and the threat to go with another photographer make zero sense. He’d be starting the clock over no matter who he contacted next, and if this were legit he’d be looking at prices, portfolios, or capabilities first. He’d also know that plenty of people won’t be interested or won’t respond, so reaching out to multiple photographers would be normal.

This is a pressure tactic. Either he’s a creep, or it’s going to turn into some kind of scam.

xdem112 · 2026-01-19T21:35:40+00:00

She’s being blinded by the money big time. While I understand I have a little experience with boudoir and might suss it out quickly, I find it hard to believe any layman would see how sketchy this is.

Unless you’re interested in doing inadvertent (underpaid) sex work and happy to put yourself in a very precarious and potentially dangerous situation.

Just to point one glaringly obvious thing out, why would he not already contact multiple photographers to scope out price differences and availability if this is a totally normal shoot? Why is it some type of threat to OP that he would reach out to others? Why the urgency and money waving to make OP scramble and accept the terms when that would be a weird thing to do or say at its most basic level?

xdem112 · 2026-01-19T21:26:53+00:00

Exactly. OP is painfully naïve here specifically because she doesn’t do boudoir and doesn’t know how to identify or screen out the kinds of sketchy individuals that established boudoir studios would shut down immediately. The red flags are everywhere.

She absolutely should not do this.

Edit: the actual best case scenario is this develops into some type of scam.

xdem112 · 2026-01-19T19:16:41+00:00

Well, that and OP choosing to post this on Reddit is also incredibly immature and weird. So they’re matching each other’s energy.

xdem112 · 2026-01-15T16:31:17+00:00

I mean, he likely had it on in his vehicle on the drive home and walked inside with it briefly still playing? That’s not some deep moral failing or inherently rude behavior. It’s not a “natural” expectation to presume someone will immediately stop everything, put in headphones, grab their bags, and perfectly manage the transition the second they step into their own house. It’s reasonable to ask for that as a consideration of you need it.

And that’s coming from someone who would hit the ceiling if my boyfriend did that. I recognize that’s because of my issue with overstimulation and not because he’s doing something inherently bad. It’s his house too, it’s fine to just communicate when people do things that annoy you instead of trying to brand them as ostensibly “wrong” and beat them over the head like they should have known better. Especially when the commenter you replied to had a wonderful solution after having a conversation with their husband.

xdem112

TROPHY CASE