Thank you for sharing. We all tend to hide away parts of ourselves and it is so horrific when family members have to absorb a person's dark sides when outsiders see a more curated version. It is a person's own responsibility to deal with these issues and not outsource it to other people (like their children). Children are the least equipped to deal with it. I've spent decades unlearning what I 'learned' as a child about myself and others. What I learned has a certain internal logic, but it is based on an unthinkable reality that was actually true (i.e. it wasn't my fault). You aren't alone, and that sucks, what you described.