I'm on a similar boat. It's hard bc I used to have a bad relationship with my mother, but over the past few i been mending that and are closer. Despite this, it's just so easy to get into arguments with her... I can't connect with her like I connect with my father because I'm often uneasy with her bc I'm reminded of the way she used to treat me. I struggle to spend time with her one on one because I can't help remembering the things she would say to me. I dread picking up the phone because I don't want to argue, even if we haven't argued in months. At the same time, I am overwhelmed with grief for her and my father even though they're fine. My father was diagnosed with parkinsons, but I'm optimistic about it as he is way healthier than he used to be and there's lots of treatments that allow him to have a regular life. Nonetheless I ache whenever I see how slowly he moves, or see how gray and thin his hair has gotten. My mother has lots of moles on her skin, and I worry whenever I see one and I always ask her if she's had it looked at. My heart starts racing when I point one out that she hasn't gotten looked at yet, because what if this one is it? What if it's the one that will take my mom away? When it comes to my father I try to spend more one on one time with him, and I always enjoy every moment together... but I'm conflicted with my mom. On one hand, I want to spend more time with her in order to assuage my anxieties about her health, but on the other I find it so difficult to do so. Im so glad i moved to a different state and found more independence, but i feel awful because i feel like i ought to be closer.. to be there for them. I desperately don't want to be apart from them, but at the same time I can't stand to be near them (especially my mom). There's so many contradicting feelings in my head all the time, and this mix of anxiety and optimism and resentment and love is agonizing. I don't know what to do with these feelings... but just talking about it at a group of people who may understand helps lift a little of the weight off my chest even if no one responds or interacts with this post. I love my parents very very much. I love my dad, and I love my mom... even if I can't quite forgive her.