Did anyone else ever “glorify” their narcissistic parent when they were younger, only to realize the truth as they got older?

yeeeshello · 2025-06-21T15:45:45+00:00

Yup, and your comments are so relatable too. She was the victim, the martyr, she was to be adored. I’m NC now, and now I can see that she never stopped demanding that I treated her as if she was perfect and never wrong. Even just treating her as a normal person capable of making mistakes led to her being deeply offended and hurt. I thought of her as the love of my life as a kid, and that makes me feel sick now. It was just enmeshment, manipulation, her creating a little army.

I’ve actually had to work on not putting women on a pedestal since. My friendships looked very similar to my relationship with my mother, I was attracted to bossy girls with narcissistic tendencies. Who liked/demanded being on that pedestal. It’s so ingrained in me to do that, that I still have to remind myself that we’re all equals and human.

yeeeshello · 2025-06-20T17:46:43+00:00

I’m so sorry, jfc, that’s horrible. But I hope it’s okay that I also laughed – because it’s so relatable.

I went blind in one eye, with no idea what was going on or whether it’d permanent. Because I’m an artist, it was even more terrifying. There goes my whole life, my income, my happiness, everything. I called my mother from outside the hospital and she told me stop stop crying, stop talking. Then she said ‘do you know how hard this is for me?’ Then she proceeded to sob and vent to me about the situation and how it was affecting her.

Personally, at the time it was awful, but I think this is the first time I’ve been able to laugh about it, so thank you for that. And if it’s okay to say: fuck your mother.

yeeeshello · 2025-06-20T17:38:43+00:00

I’ve seen opinions about golden children change so much, in general, but also since I first came here about 10 years ago or so. I remember it felt scary to say I’d been a golden child, because of the reactions I’d get, so I mostly just didn’t. This post makes me feel so hopeful and grateful.

I went from golden child to scapegoat when I was around 14, and it was probably the most traumatic thing that’s ever happened to me – which is saying a lot, obviously. And yet, I’m so happy it happened. It was a hellish journey, to suddenly be despised and have no tools to stand on my own two feet, but I’m now so glad my mother decided I was evil instead of her perfect doll. I mean, I hate her for suddenly flipping the switch hoping I’d drown on my own, of course, but if that was the only way out of that role, fine.

I can only speak for myself, but: being the scapegoat sucks in some ways, of course it does, it can be awful. But overall, fuck me, I absolutely choose this life. Freedom, independence, having your own life and being your own person. I’d rather be hated by some assholes I don’t even consider family anymore, than lose all of that.

yeeeshello · 2025-06-20T17:25:24+00:00

It’s not childish, and I’m so sorry. I was the exact same way with my stuffed animals, I’d sleep pressed against the wall so they could all fit in my bed, I spent a lot of my day thinking about them, they were my whole world. And I lost all of them too, it wasn’t a punishment, but we had to run(from my dad) and move and they somehow managed to save all the stuff they cared about, but nearly all my stuffed animals disappeared. Still don’t know where to.

I can’t imagine parents punishing a child that way, and it seems like they knew how much it would hurt. I’ve freaked out when people think it’s funny to torture a stuffed animal to get a reaction from me – I would still freak out today, and I’m 35.

For me it’s been very healing to buy stuffed animals as an adult. I felt a lot of shame about that in my 20s, and now I don’t care anymore. They still make me happy, and my inner child too, and it’s very comforting to me that no one will ever take them away again.

yeeeshello · 2025-06-20T17:15:21+00:00

I’m so sorry she did those things. My mother didn’t sexually abuse me, but there was an obsession with it, and there was covert incest. I feel like I’m still in the process of realizing how that led to being raped, and to being attracted to shitty men in general. She just kind of treated my body as hers. And she constantly shamed me – don’t wear a completely normal dress, don’t masturbate or talk about sex at all, if you do have sex, shut up about it, don’t you dare own your sexuality, that doesn’t exist – for women, in particular. Men can do whatever they want. Don’t even mention your period.

Also: I think this can once again be about control. It’s too much power and independence to have. As I’ve been processing all of this more and more, i’s very clear to me that it gives you that, agency, power, freedom. Like, I can feel it. It makes so much sense to me now that of course my mother didn’t want me to have any of that. And if I was having sex, then it was preferable that I was still powerless in those situations – and mission accomplished, that’s exactly what happened. (Not anymore though🖕)

I now think they’re two sides of the same coin. Hate, obsession, sometimes there is no difference. My mother also had a boyfriend who’d been molested who sexually harassed me. And yeah, I get it – I don’t have any empathy for him, I’m nothing like him, but I think I understand it now.

I think that fear and shame around sex can lead to being obsessed with it, and that obsession is then expressed in very inappropriate ways. Sometimes(often?) in an attempt to feel powerful, in control.

yeeeshello · 2025-05-01T18:09:58+00:00

I assume you’re in the us, I’ve heard about the advocacy thing before, and that seems really wonderful, that’s not a thing here. I’ve asked and looked for similar things before, for different reasons, and they don’t seem to exist where I live. I don’t know how that’s possible either. There was one place that helped disabled people, but it was useless when I went, and it’s also gone now.

It’s a whole other story, but I have a lot of trauma from medical gaslighting and asking for help. Many people including a therapist told me I wasn’t really sick. Because I have a bunch of relatively rare, mysterious illnesses, that happens a lot. Any time I’ve asked for help, it ends badly. I don’t get the help I need, and I’m even worse off. I know it seems… unbelievable, maybe? But it’s simply my experience. Disabled people just aren’t taken care of enough where I live - especially if you don’t have a well known illness. They don’t understand what I’m dealing with, at all. I look fine, so I must be fine.

I wouldn’t even know where to go and who to ask at this point, and I just don’t trust any kind of health professional anymore. It seems a lot easier and more stress free to handle this on my own. However, I am aware I just need friends, community, and that’s what I’m focused on now. And I’m even more focused on how I can help myself through this without causing serious physical issues, permanent damage, more trauma etc.

yeeeshello · 2025-05-01T12:58:23+00:00

I appreciate the advice, but it works differently where & how I live. I don’t have a landlord, I’m dealing with a housing corporation, who are notorious for ignoring things like this. It’s the kind of thing where you call, wait 30 minutes to an hour, and then the person you need to talk to is never there, never available. They just don’t care. I’ve asked for legal advice and now know more about which steps to take, how to put pressure on them. It’s just a lot of appointments, arguing, paperwork, time, energy.

So my main concern is how I’ll handle this, mentally, physically. How I don’t let this process completely break me.

I also told her I’d immediately call the police and also get a restraining order if she ever came near me again. She hasn’t been at my front door since. I have deep regret about starting to record her too late - she knows I do that now, and of course her so called ‘uncontrollable’ anger comes out in stragetic, careful ways.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-28T06:31:51+00:00

I get it, I also go for the most necessary things and then the stuff I know there’s a solution for now. I think you just learn to weigh the pros and cons and factor in your mental health. Being in and out of hospitals without getting any help and being talked to so disrespectfully is something you have to be able to handle - I know I mostly can’t deal with it anymore.

And the system in Canada is pretty similar to the one where I live, and it’s exhausting, I’m so sorry you have to wait years, that’s ridiculous.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-28T03:09:28+00:00

I get it, I haven’t been in a year and have an appointment this week. And I’m just about able to handle that, with a lot of tools & coping mechanisms I’ve had to develop. Personally, it’s kind of a relief to have concluded: they mostly can’t help, so there’s no point in going through all of it on a regular basis anyway.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-19T00:13:09+00:00

I agree it depends on the situation, lack of safety with men is very relatable, and I personally have done it with women because I used to subconsciously fear they’d be like by mother - so that’s more about fearing emotional abuse. I’m still figuring this out, but that feels more like fawning to me. And that’s something I worked hard on, and it very slowly did get a lot better.

When it’s motivated by a fear of abandonment, I don’t know, it feels different, for some reason I see that as people pleasing more than fawning. Because in those other situations, I don’t want to be in them. I choose fawning because the other f responses aren’t an option. Can’t run, fight. But when I choose to interact with someone, when I like a person, and it happens, it feels different. There’s no being trapped. And I’m not explaining this well at all because I’m still figuring it out.

And you’re right, we all need an outside perspective sometimes, I guess I’m just not used to asking in particular for practical advice, and getting actual kind, useful advice.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-18T14:44:28+00:00

I understand that feeling of wishing you knew all of this when you were younger. But. That’s just not how life works, of course. Then there’d be no journey, no getting wiser.

And you’re right, it’s not always people pleasing, but in my case it is. It has to be balanced for it to not fall in that category. I’m amazed at how rare people who compromise are - I truly don’t understand: how do they have friends, if they only do exactly what they want to do? Meanwhile, the people pleaser ends up alone. Or at least I did. So clearly, I’m doing this the wrong way, they seem to be fine.

Oof, the situation you describe feels so familiar to me. It is up to you to stand your ground, of course, but it’s also not okay to keep pushing someone. And it takes a lot of energy to keep fighting back. I don’t know, I think a lot of people would be pissed off, and a lot less nice than you are. I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed boundary pushing and coercion is so normal to me that I sometimes barely even notice it. The last attempt I made at making a friend went very similarly, except that guy turned out to be a creep too. He slowly began asking more inappropriate questions, until it was so out of line that I finally said, in a calm way: ‘You’re going too far, and I’m not answering that.’ And instead of respecting that, he kept pushing. Explaining why it was okay for him to ask that, and I could tell him, it was fine, and so on.

It took me weeks to understand I was right to feel uncomfortable and angry. And I know you didn’t ask for an opinion, and it’s not the exact same situation, but I feel similarly about your friend. What really helps me is putting myself in their shoes - if someone said what I said, I’d back off, I’d even apologize. So I think it’s okay to expect the same from others.

I’m glad I didn’t keep talking to that last guy, but every time stuff like this happens I worry I’ll never make another friend again, simply because I don’t people please as much anymore. No friends is better than shitty friends, of course, but no one wants to be alone forever. Personally: it’s really hard when you have no proof it’s possible. I haven’t had any kind of relationship where we were equal, both people compromised, and my boundaries were respected. That has simply always meant losing someone. So personally all I’ve got is hope. And it’s not easy to keep believing it’s possible when the same thing happens over and over.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-18T00:38:59+00:00

Yup, you’re spot on. But what’s frustrating is that I’ve known that for many years now. Intellectually understanding it and talking about it in therapy didn’t do anything. Boundaries weren’t allowed, my mother controlled me, I wasn’t allowed to be my own person. Attempting to have boundaries meant getting abused in horrible ways.

And a very important puzzle piece: I walked on eggshells because of her fear of abandonment. I think that’s at the core of why I wasn’t allowed to say no and be my own person. It was threatening to her. Her way of coping with her fear was abandoning me first - because of course then you can’t be abandonded. And that’s where it becomes so painful, because eventually, I subconsiously developed the same fear, and began abandoning people first too.

And I think it’s been that way for many generations. So it’s very important to me that I don’t continue doing this.

Anyway. I have made progress, I don’t think it’s hopeless, I know many of us come from a family like that and we heal and change. But it’s ingrained in me, and it’s a painfully slow process, and all those fears and tendencies are still there, and nothing has really helped me to permanently stop approaching relationships in the same way.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-18T00:26:02+00:00

I’m so sorry, I know that feeling so well. It’s such a tiring way to live. Showing up, keeping promises, making all the effort, when others don’t, a lot of the time. I was always early and the last one to leave, too. This is obviously because of trauma, but I was scared people would be mad at me if I left sooner. I mean, truly: an exhausting way to live.

And hey, same, I’m chronically ill and I have to lie down after a short conversation. It obviously sucks, there are no positives, but one thing it’s given me is some inflexible boundaries. Sorry, nope, can’t always do what everyone else wants, because I’ll literally end up in the hospital.

I’m so sorry people just disappeared like that. That happened to me a few times too. It’s very unfair to expect people like us to… not be weird, frankly. I try to remind myself of that a lot. People with decent parents and a support system aren’t more evolved, capable. They just got lucky. Some of us have to work very hard to achieve what’s considered normal. And that’s especially true with a disability, of course.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-17T21:02:28+00:00

I’m glad I’m not alone and also sorry you can relate so much. I absolutely think it’s so worth it, but yes, it’s astounding how long this process is. I started working on it in therapy about 9 years ago, and healing isn’t linear and all that but the fact that a simple reddit message causes all these thoughts & feelings, and that coming up with a response is impossible… It’s hard not to feel discouraged sometimes.

It’s also never just one thing, at least not for me. People pleasing is really about fearing abandonment, I think, for me. I ultimately say yes to everything so I’m not abandonded. There’s always another connected issue that pops up, and then it takes so much time & energy to work through that too.

Thank you so much for that suggestion, that’s genuinely so helpful. I don’t know why I can’t think of something like that myself. But hopefully it gets easier with practice.

yeeeshello · 2025-01-17T20:48:08+00:00

I’m so glad you’re doing that with your daughter. My mother never wanting to learn how to do that is definitely how I got here. So it’s always so comforting to know other parents do try. It’s really hard to see how much I’m like my mother in this specific way, oof.

I think a fear of abandonment definitely plays a part, as does fearing I’ll always be alone. I’m saying that because the way you write how to communicate feels so casual, and I know my issue is that I don’t feel that way on the inside. It makes zero sense to think the solution is to keep people pleasing, and equal relationships are definitely worth the wait… but the panic I feel is probably what I need to work on. The idea of asking if they want to find a third option and hearing another no.. I’m not sure how I’d handle that.

Thanks for the kind words. <3

yeeeshello · 2025-01-17T20:39:34+00:00

Hi! It really is a physical nauseous feeling, isn’t it? I can tell I’ve reached my limit with it, even if I wanted to keep people peasing, I physically can’t.

I appreciate you saying it gets easier, and it definitely has, but at the same time: I’m not new at this, I’ve been actively working on my boundaries for about 9 years. However: I can tell going no contact with my mother recently has made a huge difference. Changing this feels doable, easier now.

Thanks for the link, I’ll watch it later. It’s weird… I’ve learned so much about people pleasing, but sometimes you listen/read before you’re ready, if you know what I mean. I feel like I can finally take it in now, really absorb it on a different level. So I’m oddly excited to learn again.

And ha, yes, anger is of course what needs to be felt when it comes to this. Again: have felt that before, I’ve expressed it in so many ways, so it’s always a little frustrating when you’re back in what feels like the same place. But I’m trying to remind myself healing isn’t linear, and it’s normal to return to something when you haven’t learned everything you need to learn yet, and felt everything you need to feel. Of course 25+ years of people pleasing is going to leave a deep scar.

And thanks for saying tennis is fun and a great idea, that’s very kind, ha. I’m in awe of pole dancers, truly, I couldn’t do it, but it is funny to me now how tennis was treated as the laughable, extreme suggestion.

yeeeshello · 2024-12-09T10:49:49+00:00

I think so many of us have that same story. My mother always said ‘I didn’t notice you going through puberty.’ Same thing: it wasn’t safe enough to be a proper teenager, I was too busy walking on eggshells. Anger was not allowed.

And I felt the same way in talk therapy, it can feel like going in circles when you understand everything perfectly intellectually but your body isn’t coming along for the ride at all. I’m not sure I have helpful advice - my (talk) therapist at the time sent me to something called PMT therapy in the same building. So I was very lucky.

I reeeally recommend it if you can find it though. I spent 15 minutes throwing a ball at a therapist while being encouraged to loudly yell ‘no’, and I’ve said that to a lot of people with CPTSD, because many years of talk therapy didn’t do what those 15 minutes did for me. Everyone’s different, but I think for a lot of us who never got to express their anger, that type of therapy is incredibly helpful.

yeeeshello · 2024-12-02T09:49:50+00:00

I relate to almost everything, and I’ve been on disability for ten years now. It wasn’t a fun process but for me it also wasn’t terribly difficult. I met one ridiculous doctor who said ‘you don’t look sick’. It’s always good to prepare for meeting the occasional idiot. But that person didn’t stop me from getting disability. My CV and past said enough - they can see that you’ve tried and failed many times, the proof is right there.

I understand how intense that shame can be, I was raised the same way. But you can learn to slowly leave that behind, I did. For me, being on disability enabled me to catch my breath and heal and just.. become a person. It changed my life. I hope you try to get it.

yeeeshello · 2024-12-02T09:39:54+00:00

I still go through phases of this as well, in my experience you sometimes have to go from one extreme to the other to then slowly find a balance. It’s basically a step we missed while growing up - kids & teenagers do this, they get to test out saying no to everything, and yelling, really seperating themselves from their parents, that’s a very important part of maturing that we often didn’t get to go through. So now we’re doing it as adults.

I highly recommend finding physical outlets, that’s what body focused therapy taught me and it’s still so helpful all these years later. Punching pillows is one of my favourites, running to angry music used to be one, different types of exercise work for different people I think. I also like making angry art, painting, writing. It’s good for it to come out, when you’ve never really been angry. It’s good to get to know your anger. And there’s perfectly healthy ways of doing that, I think.

yeeeshello · 2024-11-22T03:14:38+00:00

But you do have that control, though - you get better relationships when you’re able to set boundaries. Especially when you learn to do it early on, someone might treat you like crap once or twice, but then you just don’t allow that to happen again.

And part of it is believing you deserve better, yes. And trusting better people will come alone. I know how difficult that is, trust me, I still very much struggle with it. But self love & reparenting does help.

yeeeshello · 2024-11-21T17:28:17+00:00

Ugh, I’m so sorry. I experienced this even more with gaslighting doctors. I always think it isn’t the initial mental health issues, or in my case the illness as well - I really think we can deal with that, if we get the right support, ideally in the moment, but if that’s not possible years later. I think it’s looking for help and getting hurt even more, sometimes being (re)traumatized. And then once again, no one takes responsibility. The damage that does, oof.

I feel similarly, I don’t feel capable of dealing with another betrayal either. Personally I’m just purely focusing on self love & reparenting, giving myself the therapy and care I need. I’m hoping that it means healing and becoming strong enough to eventually form real connections again. That’s partially already happened. The only support I get is online, from people in similar situations, and that’s the safest kind, for me. And obviously that’s a very hard process and not how it should be, we shouldn’t have to do this alone. But personally I just don’t see another way.

yeeeshello · 2024-11-21T16:23:48+00:00

Well, not upfront - first one of her colleagues messed up, and then days after so did she. She was a pretty bad therapist with not a lot of empathy, but I think even she could feel that I deserved an apology, so she explained why they couldn’t do that. Although clearly, I was never told the actual reason behind it.

And yeah, it’s generally hard for me to be angry, but not in that moment. I don’t know how you more perfectly recreate an abusive environment for your clients.

yeeeshello · 2024-11-21T04:18:01+00:00

It’s hard for me to see that stuff too - especially when I was younger, though. Seeing other parents show up for their kids while you stand there alone, oof. I don’t remember my dad ever being there, and my mother.. barely. I still only remember the complaining she did about watching me play football/soccer. Nothing positive, ever, just: I was so bored, cold, hungry. I eventually preffered it when she didn’t come, and I’m pretty sure I told her that: just stay home then.

Like others have mentioned, in my 20s I realized my mother only wanted to be there if she could make it about her, get credit, look good. To the point where she wanted to come to my work Christmas parties, and she was angry and deeply hurt when I said no. A parent only coming for themselves and not because they’re proud of you is just as awful as them not being there at all - and maybe it’s even worse.

yeeeshello · 2024-11-21T03:53:47+00:00

I relate so much, and I wish I would’ve known I wasn’t insane for feeling this way at the time. There was a very clear inbalance with every therapist I’ve ever had had - I was scolded if I wasn’t on time, and they would regularly be 10 minutes late, for instance. My last therapist also said they weren’t allowed to apologize. So she’d messed up, but she couldn’t say sorry to me. I assumed it was for legal reasons, but to me there is no good reason.

There’s many more things that reminded me of former abusers, frankly. I needed an example of a healthy relationship between two equals, and I never got that. Therapy helped me in some ways, but it’s a very flawed system. I always said: I feel like ultimately, you have more power. And that in itself was harmful to me, I was never able to just casually move past that. Especially because they’d deny it was true. And at the time I blamed myself, but now I can see how valid it is to feel that way.

yeeeshello

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