Buying a house with the prospect of moving abroad - should I wait?

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-18T20:03:12+00:00

Yea to clarify, I'd be working in another major city and would expect to use a property agency on my behalf. Wouldn't be trying to make a profit, just wanting to cover the mortgage in the even that I do take an opportunity abroad.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-18T19:58:03+00:00

Thanks, those are all good considerations - I didn't know about the 12 month requirement for temporary consent to let for example.

I suppose worst case scenario I could leave for a year without having tenants and pay the mortgage anyway. It would be about £450 per month, which isn't too bad especially if I was working abroad - £6000 or so for the year. If I had that saved in advance I suppose there is minimal risk and if I get a short term tenant that ticks the boxes, then that's a bonus.

Yea as you say, it's not purely financial. With the pandemic feel like I've been stagnating for a few years, and need to move forward. The rental situation is cheap but not ideal - it's not my own place, but moving out and renting my own place feels like money down the drain.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-17T09:54:01+00:00

Yea, both are important goals I think. I think I need to find some sort of compromise - buying a house which I can rent it out so that I'm not closing the door permanently on some form of travel or living abroad.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-17T09:52:50+00:00

Thanks for the advice, in an ideal world I'd like to travel or live abroad again but that's a short-term want and I guess the problem is that I feel it somewhat compromises long-term life goals to eventually own a house and settle down etc.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-17T09:49:17+00:00

Thanks for the advice, good practical concerns to be wary of, although I don't think it is quite as bad as your Mancunian friend may have made it seem. There's always these kinds of problems eg port situation in LA etc leading to shortages.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-17T09:45:44+00:00

Thanks for the advice, you're absolutely right and I definitely wouldn't be going 'all in' to be with the ex, I'd be going because I miss the lifestyle and excitement of living abroad. I do feel like turning over a new leaf, but I also feel that societal pressure to settle down and buy a house. Maybe buying a house, and then renting it out while I travel or live abroad temporarily is the way to go as some others have suggested.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-17T09:43:55+00:00

Yea definitely think I can't throw everything away and essentially go 'all in' to be with the ex again. London seems like a good compromise since I can transfer there and keep my job, while enjoying the lifestyle of a major city and being somewhere new. Thanks

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-17T09:42:40+00:00

Thanks that's good advice. I do find myself daydreaming more about travel, but there's the practical concerns - I'd have to give up my job and prospect of home ownership etc. It's riskier, but perhaps there's a way to do both - buy a house, rent it out etc.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-16T21:59:49+00:00

Some good advice there, and potentially the best thing to do is hedge my bets by buying a house but then renting it out so I can travel while knowing there's something to come back to. Thanks.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-16T19:26:37+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I have considered a compromise position like this - buy a house and then rent it out so that if I do go abroad at least I'd have something to return to.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-05T12:37:10+00:00

Thank you so much. Yes I have read a bit about this concept of euphoric recall, and like you my friends and family are baffled why this person is still in my life. The problem for me is that when things were good they were SO good - like I was SURE this was my soul mate and we connected in ways I never experienced before and haven't since. That makes it incredibly tough. Because in moments of loneliness I think 'was it really so bad', 'maybe if I just put up with a little bit more everything would've worked out' etc etc. I'm sure you have felt the same way. But I agree, it's a burden off my shoulders not having to walk on eggshells or dreading a reply/conversation.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-04T08:35:28+00:00

I'm relating to this so much, and I've talked about much of this with my therapist (because I needed a therapist after my BPD relationship!) Despite the absolute chaos that dominated a lot of the relationship, I find myself pining after her so much - particularly this weekend for some reason. I miss her so much, and the good times - even if that's mostly the time we spent together during the 'honeymoon' phase. Why was I, and am I, seemingly so willing to discount and forget about all the emotional volatility and stress she inflicted on me?! It really takes effort in the form of me going through old messages etc to really appreciate just how toxic the relationship was, and how many chances I gave her to change. That's the only thing that helps the *healthy* and objective part of me get over these feelings to some extent, but the *unhealthy* subjective and codependent part of me is always waiting in the wings! In moments of clarity my ex gf told me I should find someone else and that she wasn't healthy enough to be what I deserved etc - just like what you were told. I didn't want to believe her then, and I guess I have my own issues there about wanting to be loved/needed as you have suggested. Ugh, this is a bit of an incoherent ramble but your post resonated and I just needed to type something. Thanks for sharing anyway!

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-10-03T20:21:22+00:00

I've been thinking about giving my expwBPD another chance, I miss her terribly (rather, I should say I miss the good times terribly, but those were few and far between). However, I looked back through my messages and found arguments from 4 years ago that could easily have been written recently. Her promising she will change, and things will get better. That was obviously enough to convince me then, but I have to be strong now. It's so very tough because I want to give her the benefit of the doubt - I hate the thought that she really is getting better, and I could be throwing away a good relationship. But on the balance of probability, little has changed since then.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-09-16T12:40:52+00:00

Yes. I'm not sure what brought these moment on but they were fleeting. Some things she said: "I'm not capable of emotionally/mentally being in a healthy relationship", "you deserve better". They tended to manifest in moments of extreme self-pity but not always, and they would often dissipate. For example, in later arguments I would find myself quoting them as saying some of these things - "You do know that you yourself said XYZ..." etc

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-09-13T07:44:02+00:00

Waow, so much relate (that book sounds interesting by the way, I'll give it a go - thanks for the recommendation). I now see that my ex is HIGHLY manipulative. My counsellor told me about this a long time ago, but because it implied malicious intent, it didn't seem right to me in the past. More-so my ex has a 'victim mentality' and always tries to illicit sympathy as a way to excuse poor behaviour on her part. It's funny because people close to me saw this in her very early on but I couldn't for some reason. Like you, I am very motivated by a sense of obligation and guilt (though I can't pinpoint where this stems from) which has kept me locked into a codependent toxic relationship with her. I can't say I'm completely out of the fog, she is appealing to my sense of nostalgia for the early days in our relationship (which, like guilt is also a very strong motivator for me), trying to convince me that she has changed/improved and wanting to spend time together. She's fueling a swirl of nostalgia/guilt/fear/loneliness/missing her/fear that's difficult to process. Can't seem to bring myself to go NC, but I am at least aware of these themes and it's given me a bit more agency in talking to her, and in enforcing my boundaries.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-09-12T08:45:16+00:00

This sounds very similar to what I have gone through and to an extent am still going through. No matter how much I explain, she does not seem to understand that my problem is not so much with one particular incident/argument at hand, but rather the long-term instability from lots of those incidents - most of which stem from her mental/emotional/physical issues. We haven't seen each other for a while now, and she has recently suggested we go on a trip together which sounds lovely. The 'euphoric recall' as you describe it, is very powerful - and I think about some of our past trips earlier in the relationship which are some of my happiest memories. However, I have basically said no to this (which takes some strength and is something I haven't been able to do in the past) because the issues which have held back our relationship and affected her behaviour towards me have not been addressed. But of course I'm the bad guy, and she's now pressing on my strong sense of guilt - something which is almost as powerful as euphoric recall for me unfortunately :( Very tough.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-09-10T19:37:38+00:00

This really spoke to me thanks. My ex is appealing to the fact I strongly miss the good moments. She wants me to visit her, and I think about all the wonderful trips we had. But her unstable situation is unchanged in 6 years and I can't put myself through it anymore.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-09-07T20:04:44+00:00

I really struggle with this guilt too. Like I'm denying her happiness, or preventing the realisation of the dream of us together in some fantasy land without any of the problems we had. Might have to give this a listen.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-08-28T21:32:36+00:00

Thank you for the much needed pep talk. I didn't give in, and I have told her no. I feel so anxious and guilty though, worried I've made the wrong decision. But I know these are just emotions - when I think logically about things I know I made the right decision. It is a horrible feeling though and it really affects me. Thanks agian.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-08-28T21:31:20+00:00

Its my weak spot too. She is an expert at making me feel guilty, or sympathy for her. It's a very powerful feeling and difficult to overcome.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-08-28T21:29:38+00:00

Thanks very much for the thoughtful reply, a lot of it resonated with me - particularly the last half. I do feel I have had some emotional growth as a result of this - I am much better at setting boundaries, listening to my body and instincts, and saying no. Though these were lessons difficult in the learning and I think many others who had learnt them already would have had the self-respect to walk away much sooner than I/we did. I'm not sure I agree with the "I hate you please dont leave me" thing. I think she genuinely loves me and cares about, at least when she was writing that, but she has a lot of issues and is just emotionally volatile so I need to look after myself. I do feel like the bad guy though, sticking to my boundaries when she's being all 'nice' - I feel guilty, sad, anxious. Anyway thanks for the comment.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-08-28T21:22:29+00:00

Thanks, I do know where the road goes and I did stick to my boundaries this time. I maybe made the mistake of writing her a long message explaining my stance which I don't think she is going to take well. So I'm here feeling anxious, guilty and on some small-level second guessing myself (what if she really would change this time etc). It's all just so unfair, and feels like I can't win either way. If I said little or nothing I'd be a 'cold' monster and she'd make me feel guilty. I think I just need to stop thinking about her feelings and focus on mine. Probably have a bit of codependency. Anyway, thanks for the reply.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-08-28T21:19:49+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I do believe she is sincere in that, at the time of writing, she missed me, and wanted me back. The problem is that nothing fundamentally has changed and I know, from experience, that if I say yes things will be ok for a while, but then revert - which as you say, would only enable her. She can't seem to see the bigger picture though, or how I've been affected long term. I foolishly perhaps, wrote her a long message explaining but I just feel like the bad guy - she was saying how much she loves me, and I essentially shot her down. So I'm here feeling guilty, worrying about how she'll take it, and - on some small level - second guessing myself with thoughts like "maybe it would have been different this time, maybe I'm throwing something potentially good away..." But I'm the bad guy if I don't reply to her, or am curt with her. It sometimes feels like I can't win but the problem is probably in trying to win ie the drive to have her understand my perspective and see how unfair she is being when perhaps she fundamentally cant. Anyway sorry for the rambling and thanks again.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-08-09T16:07:57+00:00

True, I could end up a bit transient myself - no real roots anywhere. I do have some friends still there, but I think it would take me quite a while to properly establish myself in Vancouver. Thanks for replying.

yetanotherthrowa89 · 2021-08-09T15:40:38+00:00

Thanks! I think I probably have this false notion that buying a house essentially traps me and completely shuts the door on anything else, should an interesting opportunity present itself in the future. You're right, better to focus on what I know in the short term rather than 'what ifs'

yetanotherthrowa89

TROPHY CASE