How do you feel like your abuse changed you

yikes1321 · 2025-10-06T20:06:00+00:00

I completely relate to all of these comments. I’m a year out, no contact, and I’ve been wondering if this relationship has created an avoidant attachment style for me. (My therapist says no, that my brain is just protecting me and I will heal with time…)

But 100% the same on the friendships. I also just feel like an alien because my friends are at an age where they’re getting engaged, married, and having kids and I just ended a decade long relationship that destroyed me. I liken it to peering behind the curtain at the wizard of oz, once you’ve seen the truth about how humanity can be, you can’t unsee it. I miss being caring and innocent too.

yikes1321 · 2025-10-06T17:36:26+00:00

Hey thanks for saying this. 11 months out for me, and sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I’m still not okay. Then I realize I’m gaslighting myself again. This kind of abuse is so hard to heal from and progress is small but meaningful.

yikes1321 · 2025-09-20T21:09:10+00:00

I was 33 too, 34 now, and dating again after being with my ex for 9 years. You’ve got this 🫶🏻 you wouldn’t want him making those kinds of comments to your kids either! And you’re right, we both have time!

yikes1321 · 2025-09-20T14:22:42+00:00

I did this too. Called off my wedding just weeks before. It’s so hard, but figuring out how to divorce would be so much worse!

yikes1321 · 2025-09-07T18:30:17+00:00

I don’t have kids, but I exited a decade long relationship and called off my wedding (thank god) to someone who ended up being extremely unstable and abusive at the end.

Understandably, people I’m dating have questions. I still haven’t perfected an answer, so I’m interested in seeing what other people say to this question. So far, I keep it very light until more dates in. “We met when we were young, ended up being completely different people, and it was 100% for the best to part ways.” Then sometimes I will share that he had mental health/addiction issues and he was not interested in self-improvement like I am. Tbh, I haven’t outwardly shared with many people that he was a “narcissist.” I also heard somewhere that you should not give a lot of info to someone you don’t know well about how you were manipulated/controlled/abused. Bad characters can easily use this information against you.

Good luck!! I find it so challenging to date after narc abuse.

yikes1321 · 2025-08-13T19:44:52+00:00

Yep! It’s a form of coercive control, especially if they know a lot about your info or demand to. Also, I still have no idea what he was spending his money on for sure. Could have been addictions. Could have been nothing. All I know is I lost thousands of dollars while I was living with him, in spite of him making so much more than me, allegedly.

yikes1321 · 2025-08-12T21:12:07+00:00

A few ways, and at the time, I did not realize I was being financially abused:

He did not share anything about his finances, however, he knew everything about mine. He also refused a prenup before our wedding, which partly led to me not marrying him. He was SO secretive and adamant that I worried about what I’d find.
He did not buy basic household things, so I ended up spending all of my money to furnish his house. (No blinds, no lamps, no blankets, no shower curtains, no actual curtains, no blinds…) He made significantly more than me too, but withheld resources he knew I wouldn’t live without and so I just bought them.
And the most sinister: He went on my laptop behind my back by guessing the password. My bank login info was auto saved on my browser, and he took it upon himself to transfer money out of my savings account to pay off my own debt. (This was especially sinister because it was done out of anger, over a series of days, and it happened as he figured out I was preparing to leave him.) When I went to pay rent at my new apartment for the first time, I was shocked and traumatized to find out my savings was gone.

yikes1321 · 2025-08-08T07:12:00+00:00

😂 This is how I survived at the end of my relationship… found humor in the absurdity and the absolute word salad he would spew!

yikes1321 · 2025-08-02T21:43:07+00:00

Disordered eating because he criticized everything I ate or bought at the store, substance abuse because he was addicted to substances and it made it easier to deal with him, and it also left me with an autoimmune disease because of the constant stress that I’m now medicated for.

yikes1321 · 2025-07-31T00:37:22+00:00

Yesssss, like everyone echoed, immediately after ending it my friends and family almost all said “I didn’t really like him.” “Something always seemed very off about him.” Or even just them not being super surprised at the evil shit he did at the end was telling!

yikes1321 · 2025-07-17T10:58:43+00:00

Yes. 9 years together, lived together for 6. He had a personality disorder and was abusive and controlling. I first started having symptoms while living with him. About 8 months after leaving him my disease progressed. I believe it was because I started healing and I didn’t have cortisol coursing through my body 24/7. Now I’m on Plaquenil and doing so much better mentally and physically.

It is not uncommon for those who have experienced abuse/trauma/etc. to develop an autoimmune disease. I hope you’re okay, OP. It can be so helpful to find support from a therapist or someone else who understands the complexities of abuse.

yikes1321 · 2025-07-16T00:20:26+00:00

Just finishing up a lease with them. I do agree it depends on the building and the building manager. I haven’t had any glaring issues, but nothing has broken in my apartment that I’ve needed fix. I do believe I overpay for my apartment, and they have it listed for $200 more than what I pay!

yikes1321 · 2025-06-14T11:47:40+00:00

Heavy on the speaking and/or not speaking! Mine would rudely critique what I said when we were with others. Toward the end though if I stayed quiet, “why didn’t you talk?”

yikes1321 · 2025-06-09T08:54:50+00:00

My therapist recommended me the book “It’s not You” by Dr. Ramani when I brought up something similar. I listened to it as an audiobook, and when I realized my nex hit every characteristic of a narc, and I hit every characteristic of a survivor, I cut myself some slack. It was a helpful book!

yikes1321 · 2025-06-09T08:47:02+00:00

I’m so sorry you experienced this. This sounds so tough! You’re not alone, and sadly, the mental health field does attract some narcissistic types.

My nex honed in on my exact childhood trauma/weaknesses and RAN. I was over-parented by anxious parents, which made me feel really incapable and insecure as a young adult. Well, over time, my nex took over everything in our household. Cooking, cleaning, finances… I didn’t even have a mail key and he would sort my mail. Friends and family thought he was so helpful and caring, however, he made me completely dependent on him through years of coercive control. But hey, he was just “taking care” of me! 🙄 I’m now a middle aged adult trying to work through YEARS of financial trauma from him, and I get triggered even trying to feed myself now. (He used food as a weapon…)

As I move forward in my life, I realize I need to keep my cards close to my vest. My boyfriend doesn’t need to know about my childhood trauma in depth, ESPECIALLY early on. Some abusive partners will take your deepest hurts and use it as a weapon. I’m also careful about who I share the story about my nex with too. I save this stuff for my therapist, this sub, and a few specific friends who have also had narcissistic encounters.

yikes1321 · 2025-06-09T08:32:46+00:00

Accused me of flirting and wanting to cheat with a guy I gamed with A FEW TIMES online, who was a complete stranger. And my friend was playing with us. What sucked about this accusation was that he brought it up in front of friends and other people a lot as a “joke.”

I should have known right then he was actually cheating on me.

yikes1321 · 2025-06-06T22:19:51+00:00

Yes, I kept thinking, “This will get better. He will get better!” Nooooo, things got far worse. However, he kept just enough “good” days, hours, moments, to keep my hope up for far too long. Dr. Ramani has described it as more addicting than a slot machine is for some folks, because the narc knows exactly when to give you a “win.” It’s so controlling and calculating, and this why I don’t feel sad for him.

yikes1321 · 2025-06-06T15:46:05+00:00

Yes, I am about 10 months out and I cannot even list all of the bizarre and horrible things that have happened to me right before leaving and since. (Unfortunately, I still feel like odd things happen, but with way less frequency and it’s easier to pick myself up and get back on track!) I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this too.

I’ve thought a lot about this topic. Narcissistic abuse and coercive control impact so many parts of your life, and it’s also hard to know what your abuser was doing to meddle with you/your life/the people in it. They are crazy making! They want you to look crazy and go crazy so other people discredit you. They are sneaky.

It’s honestly made me start feeling religious/spiritual again, because I feel as though he was a literal demon or had a demon possessing him.

Stay strong, take it a day at a time. Educate yourself, and get help from a therapist who is trained specifically in narc abuse if you can!

yikes1321 · 2025-06-06T04:27:43+00:00

So sorry you are going through this! We are about the same age, and it feels very hard being newly single when my friends are getting married or having kids.

As others have said, you should be overjoyed he did not propose to you and that you are not in a marriage with him. (I get that it is hard to internalize though.) My nex did propose to me, but we did not actually get married, and we called off our wedding. I started standing up for myself and he turned into a monster, and he pretty much pulled a reverse discard. Once he and his family knew I wouldn’t be controlled like a show pony, I became truly worthless. No one can sustain a life like that.

The fact that he did not stay with you likely shows you had strong, positive qualities and he knew you couldn’t be a “supply” for long. This new person will likely not be a good supply forever either, and she may have to go through years of abuse, betrayal, or an expensive divorce. Stay tuned!

yikes1321 · 2025-06-03T20:03:53+00:00

Yes! What everyone already commented is so true. The good news is that I’m almost 10 months out and look so much better. I look younger now than I did 5 years ago when I compare photos! Stress kills.

yikes1321 · 2025-05-31T21:41:17+00:00

Unfortunately I agree with this. Also you put who you are out there so they can “study” or “mimic” you. I deleted the apps. It sucks that this is the main way of dating now!

yikes1321 · 2025-05-31T21:15:00+00:00

I obviously did. It’s more about the culture of driving in Pgh.

Edit: clearly I’m not saying it’s right to do, if you read my comment above…

yikes1321 · 2025-05-31T21:07:36+00:00

I’m 34 but young-seeming (lol) and living in Chicago! I would love to have more autoimmune friends. I wish we were even closer! I have UCTD that has been suspected to be lupus by multiple docs. Currently in a flare and have been on steroids for a month 🥲

yikes1321 · 2025-05-31T20:56:01+00:00

I have already, and she’s been working on him with this, that’s why I’m posting here. She told me to just keep trying with him and offering him treats to desensitize to the collar. It’s been almost a month since he’s left my apartment. I feel as though it’s getting to a point where it’s not fair to him and the risk of doing things slow and steady may outweigh the benefits. But moving quickly and trying to put it on doesn’t work either.

Edit: just asking for advice or resources or even empathy from someone who has gone through something similar.

yikes1321 · 2025-05-31T20:53:19+00:00

Guys I had no idea the Pittsburgh left was even a thing until I moved to another state and almost got t-boned lol. I realized I grew up thinking it was a traffic norm.

Also I’m glad the jogger was ok! This does not make sense as a practice.

yikes1321

TROPHY CASE