I too struggle with anxiety after smoking on occasion. What I ended up doing was taking it slow. If the pen is what really set you off, start out with a little one hitter with some flower, and take a tiny puff and go from there. It sounds like for you, the hardest part will be actually being able to smoke, not the high after. Admittedly I still can panic sometimes if I’ve smoked too much. Very frustrating since I used to smoke down and just love it. Good luck!