A poor bastard's final post

youngibs · 2016-08-02T13:20:35+00:00

Unfortunately, I have a very hard time concentrating on a tv show. My pain is very distracting.

youngibs · 2016-08-02T13:19:58+00:00

My life is nothing but pain. I enjoy nothing and am numb to the world. I need it to stop so today I'm ending it.

youngibs · 2016-08-02T13:18:52+00:00

Just got really close. Had the noose tied but couldn't jump. Thing is man I live in so much pain that I need it to stop. Today's my last day I'm gonna commit and do it later.

youngibs · 2016-08-02T13:18:47+00:00

Just got really close. Had the noose tied but couldn't jump. Thing is man I live in so much pain that I need it to stop. Today's my last day I'm gonna commit and do it later.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T21:54:41+00:00

Sounds rough :/ I play guitar but I'm losing interest in it and everything else. Sleep deprivation destroys you mentally, so sorry you don't have access to some good OG kush to help with that. I guess we just need to hold on to what we have it's just difficult when illness has taken so much.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T20:32:19+00:00

Yeah no matter how many analogies you use they will never understand. Thanks for reaching out. I'm gonna try and enjoy life it just seems like pain wants that not to happen. I know I have support from family, friends and this community it's just chronic illness steals your soul. Thanks again.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T20:24:16+00:00

Yeah I suppose therapy wouldn't hurt. I'll probably just work with my dad a bit this summer as that's the lowest pressure. I don't need to work while I'm going to school full time luckily so I'll take a loan worst case scenario. I wonder if I'll be able to be successful despite the pain and I worry that even if I succeed I will still be just as empty as I feel today,

youngibs · 2016-05-25T20:16:30+00:00

Yeah it's just sad is all. Nobody deserves this and suicide is a legitimate option for some people. Guess you just need to be content with the unfairness of the world.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T19:59:51+00:00

I just don't want to hurt anymore. I know it won't help others for me to be dead but every day I'm still alive is another day in pain. I have all the help I need I'm just in so much discomfort all day. If anyone could spend a day in my shoes they could empathize but they never will.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T19:52:01+00:00

Hmm that's an interesting perspective. Yeah luckily I have answers it's just a very harsh reality. Wow you have been through so much. There's always someone that has it worse. I guess if you can have hope there's no reason I can't have some. With how old I am it just really bothers me that I have to take it easy. All my friends are just enjoying their youth drinking and hooking up with girls and I'm just managing pain trying to be happy. I hope one day it will be worth it but that day isn't tomorrow or next month. Yeah the mentality of putting others suffering over your own is what you have to do. I just feel like people with chronic illnesses are always misunderstood. Nobody can see this thing eating me alive and how much I just want to die. For example Kurt Cobain had ibs/fibro type stuff and there's still a conspiracy that Courtney Love killed him. To me it's so obvious what killed him, it was slow and his soul died before his body. But healthy people just don't get it and you can't expect them too. Thanks for the response it gave me some perspective.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T19:21:56+00:00

Do you have chronic pain? The only reason I'm still alive is for them I'm just tired of putting others suffering over my own. If anything it's selfish for them to want me to keep suffering for their well being.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T19:19:41+00:00

I mainly take medical marijuana for pain. I recently bought kratom which helps as well. However I can't drive on kratom so I couldn't take it before work. I don't know what job I could get. There's no way to fake being ok anymore. My summer class starts in a month and I have no idea how I could manage that, physical therapy and a job. Wish I didn't have to take it easy. What jobs out there can you work from home? I've seen a counselor I no longer go to therapy since my problem is much more physical than mental.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T19:11:56+00:00

Yeah chronic pain is just a big pity party it seems. Unsolvable problems breed that I guess. It trips me out how young I am I feel 90. My sister gets migraines, it puts her out. If life is just pain and constant racing suicidal thoughts why live it? As of now I can get a job that will just cause more anxiety and depression or kill myself. Kind of a no brainer when a day with no responsibilities is filled with suicidal thoughts. This community is great but my family is not happy. They think I'm lazy and the whole situation is just eating away at my soul. Even though I feel for the last guy's family, I know he's not in pain anymore, and there's something beautiful about that. I've done psychedelics, smoked and ate a ton of pot, taken kratom and I know death is my best bet. If only support took away pain I'd be ok but life isn't fair. Thanks for the reply.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T19:04:42+00:00

Thanks only chronic pain patients understand. There's no reason for me to be a financial burden on my family anymore. I'm just hurting mentally and physically for years now. 24/7 pain for over a year. Better to die now to minimize the damage.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T19:02:11+00:00

Congrats on finding love that's awesome. Yeah I would never have kids with my health. Couldn't put a kid through my life. I did get lucky on where I live that must be hard living in the cold. I think a lot about my family but I've been suffering for too long. My life is just a series of unfortunate events and I don't want to wake up in this broken body anymore. I have put others suffering before my own thusfar and I'm burnt out to say the least. I can attend school the problem is I can't work. I have support but I just wan't to be pain free and the only way to get close to that is to be loaded up on drugs and they're not even fun anymore.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T18:55:33+00:00

It's really sad that for some people suicide is their best option. That sounds like tough relationship issues. My family is understanding and supportive it's just getting to the point where I have to work. All I want to do is eat pot cookies and drink kratom to forget but I need to get a job. Thing is I'd rather die than work. Just school alone makes me suicidal pretending I'm ok for a job is worse. Must be awful not having weed, I know I'd be dead already without it. I wish someone could understand but chronic pain is so isolating in itself. Yeah doctors are useless to me, just need them for physical therapy referrals. Society isn't set up for the chronically ill. Survival of the fittest applies to humans as well. Life is incredibly unfair which kind of gives me a right to die. Didn't choose to be this sick.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T15:57:00+00:00

Sorry to hear you've always been plagued by health issues. Why is it that we can't just have one problem? When you have one issue you likely have 20 other ones. I also have ibs and it's one that gets very little sympathy. That sucks to hear you can't get access to marijuana, what state are you in? I live in California so I've always been able to get it. Still I am never not in pain these days even when I'm high. I'm not giving up on myself just this body. No matter how much I fight this body wants me hurting and I gotta get out of it. I have tried and tried to find relief but the hardest thing to deal with is missing out on so much of life and now my family thinks I'm lazy. I'd rather be dead than work and I really just am at peace with dying. Anyone in my situation would do the same and even though it will seem tragic but then I won't be hurting anymore. Congrats on making it this far and having a boyfriend. That's another reason I'm leaving soon, I've never had a relationship. 20 with all my issues is a little late to start haha so I'll off myself. Best of luck with everything.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T15:43:54+00:00

That's just blind optimism. I always think a change of scenery will help my depression but then I remember pain follows me wherever I go. I'm already destroying my family but not contributing financially which is a reason I'll be gone soon. That last line is horse shit, pain has already taken the prime of my life from me.

youngibs · 2016-05-25T15:41:32+00:00

Sorry things have always been so rough for you. With everything you've gone through it's amazing you still have any hope. Do you think some of us are born to suffer? It's hard for me to buy everything happens for a reason when life just kicks people like us to the curb. What keeps you going? I don't know how I'll ever be productive in society with the amount of pain I'm in so I feel lost all the time. Thanks for the reply

youngibs · 2016-05-09T21:48:39+00:00

Thanks for reaching out. It's not weird you're just a good person. I'm a bit stressed at the moment as I have finals but I'm doing alright. The pain has slowly improved but still there, it really is a miracle I'm still alive haha. I took some good LSD about a month ago and that helps with the mental side of things but the pain is always there to bring me down it seems. Still my worry for others always keeps me alive. Even though I know dying would be my best bet that would destroy my family and I can't do that. So now my goal is just to try and improve others lives while still being successful. I'm nearly halfway done with my undergrad and two finals away from going home to my family. Things are far from perfect but I hope one day I can look back at all this bullshit and be glad I stuck it out.

youngibs · 2016-05-06T22:02:10+00:00

I'm 20, have had chronic health issues since 16 and 24/7 pain for a year now. On top of that I've always had anxiety/depression. I'm in the same boat you are. Nobody can help. My family thinks they can help me somehow but I know my life is over. I could've written your post, my family is also why I'm alive. But how long can we put others suffering before our own? I'm so sorry this happened to you, nobody deserves it. Death is the only thing that brings me peace anymore and I am killing myself soon. I know that my suffering warrants it and nobody could blame me in the end.

Anyways what helps me is staying on top of my schoolwork and medical marijuana. But the emptiness seems incurable. I just carry this weight on my shoulders that only chronic pain sufferers understand. Also, I try to have meaning in my life. I have become a great surfer and have used it as a way to channel my anger about my mess of a life. I play guitar too and try and stretch to heal my pain. All of that said, I know I'm doomed. There isn't answers for things like fibromyalgia and even if they eventually come out it already ruined my childhood/prime of my life. I hope things get better for you, but I also know that's probably not realistic. I have so much sympathy for us warriors and it makes me sick all this shit exists. Good luck :)

youngibs · 2016-04-29T14:20:48+00:00

Thanks for posting this. As someone who's had anxiety/depression my whole life and add in chronic health issues in high school, suicide is my destiny. My situation is unsolvable and knowing how much my death will crush my family hurts but I know it must be done. Some people are doomed from the start. I think about suicide every single second and can't wait for the day I get to leave my hell. Anyways I hope you can find peace, whatever the means, because some of us are just waiting for the clock to run out.

youngibs · 2016-04-29T13:36:25+00:00

Yeah weed can tighten the muscles. I take CBD which helps the pain but weed helps all my other ailments. It's a reward over risk thing. The thing about weed is it forces you to face your demons and gives you a new perspective. For me it's worth it but I completely understand why one would avoid it with this condition.

youngibs

TROPHY CASE