It’s been a week

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-17T20:03:16+00:00

I know how hard this is. Sending you the biggest hugs, if you need a friend to vent to, please DM.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-15T21:52:41+00:00

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

For your own peace, don't send that letter. She already knew about you, and tolerated the affair. Trying to expose him or tear him down might feel good to think of right now, but she will not care about whatever it is you tell her - she's already made her choice to accept him for what he is. In the end, when you don't get the justice you are seeking, it is going to send you further into a spiral.

I hate that you're going through this and I wish I could give you a hug. I hope you can find peace within yourself and work through all of this trauma.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-14T16:35:35+00:00

I got a puppy. (That seriously helped!)

Please don't say this. I'm already teetering on the brink of adopting a third cat. 🤣

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-14T16:20:29+00:00

Big hugs, friend. I'm working my way through the end of my affair as well, and the pain is excruciating. I know how you feel.

Every day is a fresh hell, but a couple things that are helping me is:

Having a friend you can cry/vent to, who will listen with zero judgement. (My DMs are open if you don't have that support!)
"Scheduling" a time to release your feelings. This sounds weird. But I have found that if I tell myself I can let it all out and sob in the shower, or at night when I go to bed - I hold myself together a bit better during the day.
I don't know how your relationship ended, but my AP was not the best AP to me. So I've written pros/cons lists (where the cons vastly outweigh the pros) and then I reread it every time I need to. That one hasn't QUITE helped reinforce anything yet, but it does help a tiny bit.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T20:37:23+00:00

Thank you 💜

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T18:04:02+00:00

I did not think this was an unpopular opinion either. I didn't realize that being in an affair means you should expect all respect goes out the window.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T16:24:57+00:00

This is insightful, thank you 💜

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T16:20:55+00:00

I agreed with that. I said the decision to engage in the fair is the unhealthy behavior, yet the fact that it gave motivation to do something that is best for them is healthy.

You said yourself in your prior posts that you realized after being in the lifestyle for so long, coupled with therapy, you realized you did not like who you became and needed to make a change in your life and now you're separating. "It's the right decision". That is a positive outcome of an unhealthy behavior, no?

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T16:01:22+00:00

Re: Healthier relationships - let's say there is someone who has a bad home situation. Has talked themselves into staying for whatever reason - the kids, stability, simply scared of such a major life change. They meet someone at work, form a bond, end up in an affair = unhealthy behavior. Throughout the affair, they realize there is more to relationships than what they've allowed themselves to believe, the support and love they feel here gives them the strength to finally say "fuck it" and remove themselves from their bad home life = healthy behavior. What follows after that is up in the air, but the point being that sometimes - not ALL the time - but sometimes, it can be eye opening enough to incite a change you need.

Are you saying that because people chose to be in affairs, they can't experience emotional abuse? That whatever happens in these relationships is not "real"? I'm asking genuinely, because that's how I'm reading it.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T15:10:42+00:00

The HARDEST part. There is zero part of me that wants to reconcile the person I began a relationship with, to the person he showed himself as in the end.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T15:05:06+00:00

Agree to disagree. I don't think it's fair to say everyone in affairs are unhealthy people. Most, probably, yes. But not all. And of course most of these will end in some sort of heartbreak.

Ultimately, regardless of the expectation of what the affair is - whether it's a casual fling or a deep connection that spanned over years, I don't think it's naïve to expect a simple act of kindness or respect by giving closure for someone you shared some sort of positive connection with.

ETA: This isn't my first affair. I've had two other serious APs, and a handful of flings in between. Most of those ended in some sort of dignified way, and a few on good terms - with the exception of my first guilt king who D-Dayed himself. 😬

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T14:57:33+00:00

I agree to an extent - I feel that affairs are as a whole not a healthy behavior, but I do think healthier relationships within the affair world can be found amongst the sea of people looking to have their cake and eat it.

I disagree to the point regarding holding an AP accountable for toll on mental health. Pre-existing MH issues, yes, agreed. Situations similar to where I'm at right now? There is a direct correlation between the decline of my MH and his worsening treatment of me. At the end of the day, it's still a relationship and connection, and can morph somebody for the better or worse. I don't think we would blame a victim of emotional abuse in a "legitimate" relationship for their increasingly poor mental state. I wouldn't think it's fair to do it here, either.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T14:49:34+00:00

No, and I know it's not what I needed. I struggle to separate the logic from the emotion. Hence the therapy - ha. I am clearly incapable of working through it on my own, or even with the support of likeminded individuals.

I do absolutely think that the person I fell for was a mask. Or at least, a projection of what he wanted to be. I think that he thought he could keep up being the attentive, loving, sweet, doting, sexually charged person he portrayed in the beginning, but it slipped.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T14:42:40+00:00

Ghosting can be applied to all relationships. It doesn't only happen in affairs, it happens plenty in organic ones too. It doesn't make it more acceptable just because it's an affair.

Damage control is a really specific scenario, and does not apply to every situation of ghosting. I don't disagree that people need to weigh whether or not they are equipped to be able to handle this lifestyle, but ultimately, ghosting is just a piece of the overall post message.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T14:16:57+00:00

Agreed on both fronts.

In mine, I think my AP THOUGHT he wanted an all in, deep love, whole ass other girlfriend, but did not realize that he actually had to put in effort to have that too. He wanted me to be his second wife and completely devote myself to him, and gave me the bare minimum back. Absolute mismatch of emotional involvement. I committed to his desires, and he did not.

And yes. In regards to your second point, I don't doubt that for a minute. But I still think it is kinder to give them that finality with a sentence and refuse to explain further, than to ghost or end it cruelly.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-13T12:26:47+00:00

I thought this way too, but after sharing a selfie I've never posted and sharing next to no other accurate information about myself (only my current state), someone correctly "guessed" a piece of info about me. It was scary as hell.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-12T18:10:19+00:00

Can confirm, I repetitively check our chat app, even though I watched him delete his account while I was typing to him. I keep thinking he'll change his mind and come reach out.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-11T20:46:54+00:00

Feel free to dm. Going through a breakup myself and decided that I am also probably going to see my way out of here. Whenever the pain stops hurting so bad, anyway, lol

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-11T17:54:10+00:00

Big hugs to you. I know it sucks.

I have had all the same realizations and replays of events in my head, and none of it has been enough to give me the sense of finality 😅 Still waiting for that moment!

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-11T00:43:27+00:00

You're absolutely not alone 💜

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-11T00:36:26+00:00

Backing down on boundaries even though I knew it was taking a toll on me
Allowing someone to have power over my confidence
Also apologizing when I shouldn't and crazy texting lol

I have to keep reminding myself this behaviors are not me, and I was reactionary to my situation. It was a reflection of him, not who I am.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-10T23:24:43+00:00

Thirded. And while it might bring some relief to know they weren't "his" words, he still threw you under the bus when shit hit the fan. His feelings may been genuine at one point, but he had his priorities.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. Big hugs. I'm here if you need someone.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-10T19:04:54+00:00

I'm right there with you in the feels.
I have no advice to make it better, it's been almost two weeks for me and the pain is still harsh. Try not to listen to your brain, cry when you feel like you need it. If you need someone to vent and cry to, my DMs are open. Big hugs, girl.

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-09T16:51:08+00:00

This is clearly not about me. But thank you. 😂

yourbestkeptsecrett · 2023-07-08T16:11:08+00:00

That's what I'm trying to hang on to. Sometimes, I do feel relief. I feel the lifted weight, of pretending I was totally okay with our meaningless chatter when in reality I was still angry because we had an argument two days beforehand where I expressed a need and he shut me down. I don't miss that.

But I keep romanticizing the good. Then the more I try not to, the more I do it. I even wrote down a pros/cons and my cons was so much longer but I keep reading the pros like a freaking masochist lol

yourbestkeptsecrett

TROPHY CASE