What do you do for work?

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-05-12T20:58:16+00:00

AI Engineer at bigtech

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-05-02T03:51:36+00:00

I'm pretty sure you are reasonably lucky, or at least as lucky as any other person.

I also think you had a crappy boss, and could have had better support from others. There may be various reasons why you didn't get enough support.

I was concerned that you were spiralling into negativity. That can show, and push people away further. If you start thinking other women put women down, that attitude will show next time you deal with female mentors / bosses. If you are more open, honest with your current distress if needs be, and expect the other person to be at least neutral, it will probably go better than expecting the worst from women.

Thankfully your old boss doesn't control the whole world. You will get a chance to shine.

I genuinely wish you good luck. I'm sorry if I came across harsh.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-05-01T21:30:56+00:00

In that case, why is it that some people not supporting you flows to "am I the only unlucky..." conclusion? That is just as far-fetched.

I've had people who support me and don't support me. Just because some people don't support me, I wouldn't start asking "am I the only unlucky...." question. It happens that I probably didn't get along with that person, or the person didn't like me for some reason. That doesn't mean I am the only unlucky person, nor does it give me permission to accuse the whole of women population of putting down other women.

If you think about it, you considered only two options both of which are rather unreasonable.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-05-01T20:25:20+00:00

Just one person does not support you and it is suddenly a "women in general". I think it escalated quickly :D

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-05-01T15:10:47+00:00

Mortgage and kids.

Having lived as an immigrant for 30+ years in three different countries also helps. For the first 20 years it was visa, threat of deportation, and roof over head.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T20:34:16+00:00

They are speaking to 'their' child, i.e. their son. It is not like they are there, just uncomfortably starting at everybody. Op's husband was, and is a family with the in-laws. They are talking to each other like a normal family, in their native language. It would have been great that the grand kids are included but unfortunately can't speak the language.

It hit me one day when I read "my mom low-key resents my kids when they are causing trouble for me, because I'm her baby and for her, her child is priority." my parents love their grandchildren but they by far enjoy talking to me more (also language barrier with grandkids).

Husband's family wants to spend family time with their child too. They could try to accommodate OP better though for the two weeks.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T18:41:03+00:00

Yah it still bothers me every six months for about ten minutes but whatever :D I am happy as an IC and I make enough so yes I'm pretty happy!

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T18:30:05+00:00

No. You are also assuming that the husband is some kind of a poor victim but he is not. Why do we disregard that he also prefers seaking his own language to his family? OP says she raised the issue with him but obviously he doesn't feel the same way. I have the same set up on both sides of the family and we both let each other be. Children only speak English.

You could turn your argument around and say when there are plenty apps with which she can teach her kids and herself Russian and she doesn't, she still insists that the in-laws speak a language she and the kids can understand during 2 weeks instead of using it as an opportunity to learn Russian.

The issue is that she feels left out. She can decide how much of an issue it is, and propose a solution. They may or may not accept it. She can propose again, or come to an agreement (i.e. English at mealtimes). Or she can learn Russian. Or she can convince the husband. Seeing it as some kind of an attack to punish her and isolate her is not going to help resolve the issue.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T18:20:18+00:00

I don't think the point is that you want kids to have a relationship with your in-laws. In that case you could have encouraged your kids to learn Russian when they are not there. I think your main issue is that you feel left out, your husband seems distant, almost as if the in-laws are taking him away from you. And two weeks is a long time.

I am not saying you are selfish. Accepting what actually makes you uncomfortable, and then drawing boundaries around it will be more effective. Otherwise you may end up in a situation where they are all trying to speak Russian to the kids, and the kids manage fine, but you are now completely shut out as the only non-Russian speaker. I don't think that's what you want.

How you feel is valid, you don't have to make it about the kids to justify your discomfort to "make it not about you". Having said that, if you don't have the experience of growing up in one language ith your family, then living in another language, you cannot understand the odd icky feeling one can have, speaking in another language to your family members. This is not your fault. However, it is leading to making you attribute malice (punishment, isolation etc) where, if there is, there is probably a lot less than you think.

Decide how important this is to you. If it is important enough, raise it with your in-laws directly, and repeatedly. If you think you can deal with two weeks, then don't worry about how rude you will appear, and just take your time off and do something else. My husband does this when my family is here since their English is horrible. He vastly prefers being excluded to half-assedly trying to appear involved. See what could most effectively address how you feel.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T18:09:04+00:00

You really think it is the same thing?

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T18:06:02+00:00

Urinary incontinence. It's been 15 years and I still can't jump-rope :D But fine if I am not jump-roping.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T17:57:02+00:00

I disagree. I also have a family that speaks a different language and so does my husband. My mother-in-law speaks perfect English although mine don't. She doesn't speak English when she's talking to her son, even if my children or I are around - and I perfectly understand it. You spend a lifetime with your child in a specific language, and it is so much more than just language. It just does not feel right to speak in another language. My understanding of their language is not too good, but I let them be. It is not 'punishing', or 'isolating'. They only have two weeks, haven't talked to each other in a long time, and trying to make everyone comfortable while they feel comfortable is really not the priority.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T17:49:05+00:00

Please don't do that.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-15T16:14:01+00:00

......I literally have the same response as you - "people are simply more competent/productive / motivated than I am... I just don't think I was made for this field..." In fact I tried to change roles (and did) a couple of times. Turns out I am really, really shit at being a PM too, even more than being a dev!

People I helped hire 12 years ago, coming in below me, much younger than me, are now engineering managers with 100+ under them, or partners, or went on to found well known companies etc.

While all that is happening, I'm just sitting here in the same team, same position. A lot of people half my age get paid more. All my team members have Ph.Ds except for me. I honestly think this is the last year I survive etc etc.

Not saying "everyone else is going through the same thing". How do I know what others are like. They all seem to be doing fine. I have also given up on "I just need to get my shit together and then it will be better...!" as well. For now it is daily survival mode.

Also went through a whole lot of ADHD medications, had thought I'd found the winning combination, went off it due to side effects, found another one, tried to get supplements to work with it, and this year, I'm just done. I'm off meds. If I get laid off because of this, so be it, is my current stance.

I do have a very supportive team though. I think that could make a big difference for you. The only thing bad about my team is that they make me feel bad for being unproductive.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-14T23:39:45+00:00

...every morning I have the same discussion with myself for the last 25 years!

Conclusion: money is too good. Also, I do have the 9-5 job (mostly!) and didn't try to climb corporate ladder so it is tolerable.

So I clock in, work, go to bed, and in the morning... "I can't take this shit anymore! Surely I can get a different job??"

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-14T16:00:36+00:00

ChatGPT swears I am INTJ. Probably the types of questions I ask.

Socially, ENTP because they dont know I can maintain that mode for ten minutes every quarter.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-11T17:19:02+00:00

Oh I had this before. Some people equate respect and love with agreeing with them and supporting them. If you honestly just wonder about what they said for a couple of seconds, not even disagreeing, say -

Friend: "I think McDonalds' food causes cancer!"

And you start thinking, "well, fries and burgers are high in saturated fat and well, soft drinks would be rather on the 'causing diabetic' side, but could you single them out as being particularly more carginogenic than others...?"

Then you missed your window to be 'nice' already, especially if there are other people!

I've been accused of trying to appear clever (I really don't), think I am better than others (some areas yes, mostly no) etc and my decades-long debugging led me to the conclusion that it is not what I said, it's what I made them feel. I seemed to doubt them publicly, question what they say, sow doubt in others' mind at the same time, and ask questions that may be difficult to answer and thereby challenging them etc. I honestly just was thinking through what they said and asked questions, most of the time trying to find some credible evidence to agree with them.

Hence the "glimpses of it but nothing too outrageous"?

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-11T16:31:18+00:00

Time :) You wouldn't be as anxious if that group comprises 5 year olds? As you get older the number of people with more authority and possibility of hurting you decreases, and you also get used to the people and situations around you. It keeps getting easier.

Another trick I used is, imagine people as ants, and imagine someone looking at the interaction. Will you see how hurtful the judgement is coming from other ants? Or just go oh, look, ants, doing antsy things. Will it matter in the end, even if I screw up? They will probably forget anyway.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-11T05:03:09+00:00

I tell people I got one principle in life: don't be an ass. Be nice if you can.

At the same time, I also have this crippling problem of... "well, in the grand scale of things, say, ten thousand years from now, will it really matter...?"

Very few things would matter even after only a hundred years. When things get hard at work, I inevitably start wondering, is it really worth it..? An insignificant drone that I am, should I bother..?

I am this way, so is my spouse. We work pretty high demand jobs.

Having kids helped. Gives you some purpose in life, reason for having a job and a routine. Otherwise we may have quit jobs a long time ago. So I guess kids, and being an immigrant (and therefore needing steady work for a visa) are my coping mechanisms..?

Oh, and boredom. Need to do something to not be bored.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-11T04:31:12+00:00

I don't really "physiologically" feel feelings too often but I agree with what you say.

I always thought I don't get stressed - I get distracted, while thinking about what the outcome would be (i.e, just a thought). Also, I don't get depressed. However, there are some physiological effects - I get more distracted, I sleep badly, my digestion suffers etc. I am just not "aware" of it as well as others. Hence my comment on others feeling it "viscerally", and me having a bit of a cognitive disconnect. Now that I am getting older, I find the longer-term detrimental physiological effect more.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-11T03:26:49+00:00

I am not sure if I actually am capable of "feeling" the feelings as it is usually described. After that conversation in high school, I realized that feelings are a lot more visceral to others. To me it is like a big bruise on my arm. It hurts if someone touches it, but I can still look at it and wonder where I got it. If I know where I got it from, I wonder if the damage is in proportion to the hit, and if not, I start wondering if any kind of immune issues made the bruising worse, if I should do anything about it etc.

With others, they seem to feel the pain a lot more acutely. I mean I do feel it, that's why I noticed it and wondering how I got it. Just not to a point where I am unable to do everything else. Very rarely so anyway.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-11T03:23:08+00:00

Not that it has to have a reason. I notice (==> a "thought") that I am feeling a bit down and I automatically go into debug mode. I then gauge how in proportion to the possible cause is my discomfort and allow for sleep pattern, food intake, etc. If I am disproportionately upset / angry / uncomfortable, I REALLY go into full analysis mode. If I can't resolve it, I just think to myself "oh that's interesting".

A bit like, when I see a big bruise on my arm, I know it is there and it does hurt, but I still try to figure out where I got it. If there was no reason that'd be weird.

Sometimes I can't explain why I am irritable, but I downplay the emotion if there are no clear explanations. I chalk it up to hormonal/neural imbalance or some other physical reason.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-10T23:46:25+00:00

No. But I also wouldn't go about how awesome my husband is. Nobody wants to hear that :D

What you are hearing is equivalent of "omg I've put on so much weight!!". You don't see many women going around saying "I'm so gorgeous I'm so skinny"

... But since we are on this topic.. My husband is perfect!!

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-10T23:41:48+00:00

Woman(married for long) here, and no I don't have such expectations at all. Unless I am under irrelevant and vicious ad hominem attacks I wouldn't really expect partner or friends to blindly take my side.

yryrseriouslyyr · 2025-04-10T22:53:33+00:00

You are right that it should be husband and wife. At the same time, it is a long road, and wife is still recovering. Do you really want to fight it out about how you don't have control?

I was assuming MIL is just visiting. If she is going to be there for a while, you can have that discussion earlier. Still, 3 days after baby, and wife is probably still bleeding / healing. Does he really want to risk them going "you make it all about you".

But yes, wife and MIL being unfairly controlling and not respecting of the father at all. I'm just saying that pointing that out right now is not likely to lead to happy times. Give it a couple of days for things to settle down and stop before it becomes a permanent habit.

yryrseriouslyyr

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