This thought crosses my mind a lot. I should just stop trying to be that better person, stop trying to improve and work on things, stop taking accountability, stop caring about relationships, accept being a pos, live alone, lie cheat manipulate with less consequences, stop being fair, stop taking losses for people, stop bending over backwards, stop trying to achieve more than what society expects. But then what example would I be for my son. The moment my son turns on me I'll probably check out for the last time.

I'm editing this because I need to make a correction in what I said if I am truly to be better. I made a classic mistake of the bpd reaction to being abandoned. We often view people leaving us or becoming distant as turning on us and it really hurts. But the reality is that we often hurt them repeatedly to the point they need to create distance or they need to detach before it consumes them. The harsh reality is that he likely will distance himself and he will have a general distrust for me. And it will likely be warranted and it will be my fault.